I shake my head at him. “What if she’d gone to her boss? You could’ve lost custody of Harry? You have to think about that kind of thing now, Cam. You have to be a little bit more responsible.”
His face falls and his mouth hangs open as he struggles for a reply. “I didn’t even think of that.”
“Yeah, well, not thinking is what you seem to do best lately.” He tilts his head slightly while he considers my reply, and then as he usually does when he’s wrong and I’m right, he ignores my comment.
“Anyway, Tamara told her that she had been trying to get pregnant for years. Every time I threw a condom in the bin, she would go into the bathroom and either take it with her or cut the end off, turn it inside out and push it up inside herself. She succeeded once before, but miscarried just a few weeks later.” I’m stunned. I just keep shaking my head, unable to think of anything to say until a thought pops into my head.
“So your spunks not so super then? If it took her all that time to get pregnant.” He rolls his eyes like a teenage girl.
“Kitten, there’s fuck all wrong with my spunk. She didn’t get pregnant because she’s an anorexic junky. She’d been off the gear for a while when she finally got pregnant with Harry; that’s why it worked.” I was still shaking my head.
“So what happened then, this morning. Did you confront her?”
He shakes his head. “Not yet. I took Harry for a walk to calm myself down and to call you, but then I realised I’d left my phone behind, except I hadn’t, that scheming bitch had taken it and hid it; that’s why I was so late calling you.” He’s quiet for a few seconds. “I need to tell you, I want to go for full custody of Harry.”
“Cam, you can’t take her baby away from her. She loves him. She’d be devastated.” I don’t like the woman and she is a complete psycho, but I would never be so cruel as to take her baby away from her. I know what it’s like to have that and then to have it all taken away.
“When she finds out I know what she did, she’s gonna flip, and I don’t trust her around the baby. They’re talking about letting her out the weekend that we have him here, or maybe even sooner.”
I shrug. “Well, if she’s clean and all her results are coming back clear… I don’t like her, Cam, but you can’t take her baby away from her for no reason, and you can’t keep her locked up.” I can see a nerve twitch in his jaw and I know he’s pissed off with my reply, but unless Harry’s in danger, I can’t justify what he plans to do.
“You just don’t want him living with us.” Wow, did he really just say that?
“D’ya know what? Fuck you. I’ve sat here, listening to all your shit, about your day and you haven’t once asked about mine. You haven’t once asked what happened this morning. Len told you I passed out and yet you haven’t once asked how I am. You don’t give a shit about anything or anyone other than you, her and the baby right now. So I tell ya what, you go to court and get custody of your kid and you go and live wherever the fuck you like and leave me out of it.”
I slide off the stool and start heading for the door, then I remember that I’ve got no car here.
“Where the fuck you going?” he shouts after me. I keep walking, but I have nowhere to go and no way of getting there so I turn back around and march up to where he still stands in the kitchen.
“Away from you. Have a little think about what you just said to me. I’ve lost two babies, Cam, two. One before it was the size of a pea and one that was perfect. I bathed him. I dressed him and I held him in my arms, wrapped in a blanket and then I watched as he was put into a coffin lying on his daddy’s chest. Exactly how I’d imagined they would fall asleep together, so don’t you dare, ever, tell me, that I wouldn’t welcome your child into our home. I’ve supported every choice you’ve made where Harry is concerned. Tamara might be the worst kind of human being, but until she proves she’s an unfit mother, I cannot support you in taking her baby away from her.”
His arms are spread wide as he leans on the bench, his head bowed down. The only sound is the hum of the air con and my heavy breathing. He slowly looks up at me.
“I’ve lost a child, too. He was perfect and I buried him with his mum, and I’m so scared, Kitten. I’m so scared that she’ll do something to get back at me, for being with you. I just want my child to be safe.” We stand and stare at each other in silence for a few long minutes before he says, “Come here. I need to breathe you in. Today’s been totally fucked, all I’ve wanted is to be with you, and now that I am, all we’ve done is fight. I hate fighting with you. Come here, please.” He holds out his hand and I step towards him, but just out of his reach. He gestures with his fingers for me to come closer. I don’t move. “Don’t defy me, Kitten. Just come here and let me love you.”
I swallow, but that big, ugly ball of emotion wedges somewhere between my throat and my chest. He opens his arms and I lose the will not to be close to him. I’m still angry but I just need him to hold me. I keep my arms at my sides and he wraps his arms across my back and kisses my hair, my temple and my ear.
“Tell me what happened. Why’d you pass out and how many babies are we having?”
His big hands cup my face and he tilts it so I’m looking up at him.
“Who says we’re pregnant?”
“Kitten, your sexy eggs have been mixed with my super sperm. Of course we’re pregnant.” I manage a smile. “So, who’s pregnant?” he asks.
“Both of them,” I reply.
He tilts his head as he pulls it back to get a better look at me. “Seriously?”
I nod. “I wouldn’t lie to you about something like that, Cam.”
His eyes are shining with unshed tears. “No, you wouldn’t, would you, Kitten.” He brings his mouth gently down to mine and kisses me very softly. “I love you and I’m so sorry for all the shit I’ve brought your way the last few days. I swear, I will find a way to make it better. I swear, I will make you happy. Three babies, Kitten, we had none and just like that, we’re gonna end up with three.”
I want to be confident that everything will be just fine, that we will end up with another two babies, but this is my life. Nothing about my life has gone the way I planned. Until I had two healthy babies in my arms, I would face each day with caution and trepidation. Jim and Ash were right when they decided to keep the information they gave me about the IVF process to a minimum. I do have a tendency to stress and have a meltdown over the slightest thing. And as much as I want to enjoy these next nine months as I watch my babies grow and develop inside my two best friends’ bellies, I know full well that I’m going to be terrified too.
* * *
Cam and I drive back to Essex and our new home, and this time, there’s not a journalist in sight. We shower and curl up in bed together. I feel exhausted, mentally and physically drained. I’m looking forward to the memorial events for Sean this weekend, but at the same time, I can’t wait for them to be over.
As if reading my mind, Cam says into the back of my head as we spoon, “Do you want to go to the cemetery at the weekend?” It’s Sean’s birthday Saturday. That’s why I picked this weekend for the concerts.
I shake my head. “No, I don’t go to the cemetery.” He’s quiet for a few seconds.
“Why’s that, Kitten?”
I shrug and turn around to face him. “It doesn’t bring me any comfort. Sean’s not there. It’s the last place he would be. If I need to feel close to him, I play one of his songs or I just talk to him.”
“And do you need to?” I shrug.
“Sometimes. With the acts and the events for the weekend, I’ve needed his advice.” He lets out a sigh and I know he’s disappointed that I’ve said that. “Don’t sigh like that. You’re being stupid. You have nothing to be jealous about. I’m not having this conversation with you again. You spend time with Tamara. I’m the only one who gets to be jealous.” His hips are pressed into mine and I feel him start to get hard. It doesn’t take much to get Cam going.
“Are you jealous then,
of Tamara?” I nod.
“You know full well that I am. I can’t do it, Cam. I’ll end up as bitter and twisted as she is if you keep spending time with her. Spend all the time you like with Harry, but not with her.”
He kisses my forehead. “Just another couple of weeks, Kitten. The baby will be with us every other weekend and she won’t be around to spoil it.”
“So you’re not going to apply for full custody?”
“I’m still not decided. I understand where you’re coming from, but Harry’s safety is my number one priority, over and above any rights she may have as his mother.”
I let out a long breath. “I understand and respect that. It’s a hard call.” Now I’ve calmed down, I can see why he’s concerned. Even off the drugs, Tamara is vindictive and unpredictable, and he’s probably right not to trust her with his son, especially when she finds out about our babies.
“How you feeling? What was the passing out all about? You didn’t answer me when I asked you earlier.”
I give a small shrug. “I just got myself in a state. I was worrying about the results and my legs just went from under me.”
“You feel okay now?”
“I feel fine now. Just really tired.”
“Too tired to fuck?”
“Yep.”
“Seriously?”
“Yep.”
“No, you’re not.”
“Yeah, I am.”
“Can I fuck ya anyway?”
“Of course you can.”
Chapter Thirty
I walk out of the television studio on London’s South Bank and see Scott waiting for me. He’s leaning against the black Land Rover with a coffee in each hand.
It’s only ten in the morning. I’ve been here since six being interviewed on breakfast television about this weekend’s events for Sean’s memorial.
I’ve done interviews every day this week, and Marley has been with me for all the others, deflecting anything too personal. I’d made it clear to the TV and radio stations that the interviews were to be focused on the event and the charity, not on me, how I was doing or my relationship with Cam. I hadn’t given a single interview since Sean’s death, so I knew there would be a few arsehole journalists who would try and push the parameters that had been set, but most had been respectful.
The interview I had just done was a little different though. One of the charities the event would be supporting was involved in helping couples conceive if they couldn’t get IVF on the health service. During my research about IVF and surrogacy, I had found there were couples out there who, for various reasons, didn’t meet the health service requirements or had used up the three attempts you were offered and still hadn’t fallen pregnant. Some of these couples had gone on to sell their cars, homes and any other assets they had to try and have a baby. These were the people I wanted to help.
I had discussed beforehand what I was and wasn’t prepared to talk about, but as the interview went on and we talked about the charity and my reasons for supporting it, I had ended up talking first about my ectopic and then loosing Beau and my hysterectomy, which ultimately led me to talking about Sean. The woman carrying out the interview was a favourite of mine. She was married, with children of her own. Her questions weren’t pushy or leading and I opened up to her freely. I discussed the accident, my depression afterwards and how I was now trying to move forward with Cam, whom, I explained, was supporting me every step of the way with events for this coming weekend, many of which were being held in venues owned by him and which he had given the use of free of charge.
I didn’t mean to mention the fact I had undergone IVF. It just sort of slipped out as we were talking about the process. So when she asked me if Cam and I were actively attempting to start a family, I was caught a little off guard. I answered as honestly as I could, without giving too much away.
“Cam and I are hopeful of starting a family of our own, using IVF and a surrogate in the very near future.”
The phone lines to the studio apparently caused the system to go into meltdown, I was told once we were done. Women calling offering their eggs and to be surrogates and people calling in just to wish us luck.
As I walk towards Scott, in the beautiful June sunshine, I’m now wondering if I had done the right thing. Oh, well, if they’re talking about me, they’ll have the event on their minds too. Hopefully, more good would come from my slip up than bad. More people might think about surrogacy or egg donation.
Scott passes me a coffee. “Can you ring the boss please, Georgia. He’s not stopped ringing me.”
“Thanks, Scott, yeah, I’ll do it now. Can you take me to Len’s office, please?”
“Of course.”
I usually rode in the front of the car, but I wanted a little privacy when I made my call to Cam. Our week together had been a little strange. He was busy catching up with all the work he’d neglected while he was in Australia and making sure everything was organised for the weekend at his various venues around the world. I was busy with last minute arrangements and interviews.
We had ended up using the Docklands apartment the rest of the week as we were both out so early and home so late. The last two nights I had only had three-hours sleep, and this morning I was leaving just as Cam got home.
We hadn’t had sex since Monday night, which was unheard of for us, and most of our conversations had been conducted over the telephone, and as much as I was missing him, I was also a little pissed off with him. He’d left some court papers on the desk in his office Thursday, and when I went in there to use the computer last night, I saw them. It would seem that Tamara was being released into a care in the community program today and Cam had been to court to apply for full custody of Harry, without even discussing it with me. I hadn’t let on that I knew any of this. I was just going to sit tight and wait for him to tell me in his own time.
I turn on my phone. I had to have it switched off in the studio as the signal can affect the mics. My screen lights up and I can see I have a number of missed calls and messages, most of them being from Tamara. I will deal with them after I speak with Cam. I press call against his name and wait to hear his voice. Pissed off or not, the man still sets my pulse racing.
“Kitten, fuck, I’ve missed you.” I’m not sure if it’s tiredness or the interview I just did but tears automatically spring to my eyes.
“I miss you, too. Did you go into work?”
“No, I… Kitten, look, I’m just about to go into court. I’m trying to get some kind of temporary custody order put in place for the baby. Wendy, the nurse, found a pipe in Tamara’s room. She left it there while she called me, but it was gone when she came back. She gets released this afternoon and I really don’t trust her with my son.”
I’m silent for a few seconds.
“Why didn’t you tell me about this?” I meant that he should’ve shared the fact that he had all of this going on and was obviously worried about his son. If Tamara was already using again, I had no issue with Cam applying for full custody. Cam obviously thought that I meant something different by my question.
“I didn’t realise I needed to ask your permission to keep my son safe.”
“That’s not what I meant at all.”
“I need to go. I’m next.” He ends the call before I can say anymore. I close my eyes for a few seconds. I don’t know what to do. Should I leave him to do what needs to be done at court or should I go there and show my support?
I’m angry with the way he’s just spoken to me, the way I was just dismissed, but at the same time, I understand how stressed he must be. If she’s being discharged later today, he needs to act fast. My phone rings and it’s her. What the fuck does she want?
“I saw you, you bitch. On the television, telling them how you and Cameron plan on starting a family. Why don’t you just go and bury yourself in that big hole with your husband. Cam has a child. He has a child with me. His and my flesh and blood. You will never have that with him, you can never have what we’ve
got.”
“Good morning, Tamara. Glad you enjoyed the interview. What can I do for you?” My hands shake and my legs have turned to jelly as I try to control the anger welling inside of me. Fuck, I’m seriously getting good at this self-control shit.
“Why don’t you just leave us alone, go away and let us be a family, a real family. I’m coming home today and I don’t know if Cam has told you yet, but he and I are moving into the penthouse together, with the baby of course. Our son, our little boy. Didn’t you have one of those once? Oh, of course you did, then that big bad car came along and ended it all. Oh, well.” And there ends my new found self-control.
“Listen to me, you stupid, insane bitch, Cam is with me. We’ve bought a home together, a home in which we will be raising not only your son in a safe and sane environment, but also the other two children we are currently expecting. I don’t know if you’re aware of this, Tamara, but I happen to have a fully functioning ovary and the eggs from that ovary have been mixed with Cam’s sperm, and now we have two, yes two, surrogates pregnant with our babies. So do yourself a massive favour, sweetheart, and get your fucking facts straight. Cam and I are together and we are staying together. Not only are we together, but we will soon become a family and raise our children together, and if you keep behaving like the fucking nut case that you are, we will go to court, have you declared an unfit mother and raise your child alongside ours and cut you out of the equation.” She starts to talk, but I haven’t finished yet. I know that I’ve probably said too much, but I’m sick of pussyfooting around her. I take a deep breath and continue, “I suggest you stop concentrating on me and my life, and attempt to sort your own shit out. If you love your son and you want to keep him with you, then you need to stop harassing me and pissing Cam off, because I’m telling you straight now, darling, I will come for you. I will take that baby and raise him as my own. I will make sure you’re sectioned and don’t see the light of day again, and I will make sure that every trace of you is wiped from your son’s life and he will never know you even existed. But before I do any of that, I will punch every tooth and pull every hair from your fucking head.”
Carnage Boxset Page 82