I ride in the ambulance with Cam, but I have to sit in the front as there is no room in the back while the two paramedics work on him. I don’t look at him. He flat lines twice and I don’t turn to look at him, not once. I can’t, not again. I’m terrified of seeing that vacant look in Cam’s eyes that I had seen in Sean’s.
When Sean died, I convinced myself he had told me that he loved me as we lay on that cold, snow-covered pavement, but later, when I spoke to the doctors and from what we were told at the inquest, that was impossible. The blow Sean received to his head as it hit the pavement would have meant his perception, comprehension, alertness and consciousness would have come to an instant grinding halt, making speech impossible.
His eyes were open, of that I’m absolutely sure, but they were vacant. He didn’t see me because he was already gone, and that was the look I was so afraid of seeing in Cam’s eyes.
When we get to the hospital, Cam is wheeled into the trauma unit while his heart is once again restarted and blood is fed into him.
I’m moved out of the way and knocked into as the doctors fight to save his life. I stand and watch as a young doctor sits astride his chest and holds her hand over the wound, trying to halt the flow of blood exiting his body. Another nurse rides on the side of the bed, squeezing at the bag of blood, hooked on the side, so it will pump into him faster than it is bleeding out. All of this is happening while they wheel him by me and up to theatre.
The trauma room falls silent. I stand and stare at all of the dark red blood on the tiled floor that leads a trail out of the room, following the path of the trolley Cam is on and all I can think is, carnage. Once again, I’m faced with a scene of complete an utter carnage. How ironic that that word has come to mean something so much more to me than the name of my husband’s band during my life.
I stare at the blood as a doctor or a nurse tells me what’s happening, I don’t know what they are saying. I don’t hear their words. I can hear sounds, doors opening, wheels squeaking, machines bleeping, but I can’t or won’t hear words. And then my dad and Jimmie appear and I hit the floor.
I don’t pass out. My legs just refuse to hold me up any longer. I spend the next two hours in silence, in an almost catatonic state. I wrap my arms around myself, too afraid to let go in case I disappear inside that huge gaping hole that has once again been punched inside my chest, my life, my world. Then Marley appears in the waiting room and puts Harry in my arms and I know that no matter what, I can’t fall apart. I have the support of a large and loving family, but in that moment, Harry has just me. He is all alone and totally dependent on me and me alone. So I sit and I hold him close. I feed and I change him. I take comfort in the warmth and the smell of his chubby little body, and thank God, I at least have this small piece of Cam with me.
Epilogue
The sensation of a stubbly chin rubbing up the inside of first my left, then my right thigh is dragging me from sleep. I’m bone tired and don't want to be awake yet. I try to close my legs and am met with a bite to my clit. I shudder and try to force my eyes open, but they aren't having any of it. I start to drift off to sleep again while enjoying the sensation of feather-light kisses travelling up my body. I feel calm and relaxed and give myself over to the sleep that I crave.
“Kitten, you need to wake up now.”
I lick my lips, but don't open my eyes. Why am I so tired?
“If you don't wake up, I'm gonna fuck you again.”
“Mmmmm,” is the best I can manage as I nod my head, my eyes still closed.
“In the arse, Kitten. If you don't wake up, I'm gonna tie you up and claim that arse of yours.”
My eyes fly open and are met with a familiar brown pair.
He smiles. “Good morning.”
I rake my fingers through his hair. “Whyyyyy?” I whine. God, I hate early mornings.
“We have a plane to catch.” He laces his fingers and rests his hands across my boobs, then rests his chin on his hands as he looks up at me. “Have you had a good holiday?”
I smile at him. “I’ve had a great holiday, but I think you and me need a nice quiet weekend away somewhere to recover.” He gives me a lazy smile.
“You know that won’t happen. You’ll arrange it all, but then at the last minute, you won’t be able to leave the kids; same as every other time we’ve tried to get away by ourselves.” I swallow down the lump that’s unexpectedly appeared in my throat.
After Cam was shot, I saw a counsellor for months as I was a mess of Georgia proportions and was eventually diagnosed with adult separation anxiety. I’ve gotten a little better, but I still have an unreasonable need to know where my husband and children are pretty much all of the time.
When the doctors finally came and told us that Cam had survived the surgery, they said the damage wasn’t as severe as they had first thought. Because of the awkward angle and Cam’s muscle density, the bullet had gone into his chest and through into the top of his right arm, only nicking his brachial artery. He had still bled out his entire blood supply and had been transfused with twelve units while they tried to stabilise him and during the surgery. As well as his heart stopping three times, he also went into anaphylactic shock on the operating table, probably caused by the rate at which blood and fluids were being pumped into him. When the doctor came and explained all of this and concluded that Cam would most likely pull through, I held Harry against my chest and finally let go of my tears.
* * *
That all happened over five years ago now and our life since then has been so much more than I could ever have hoped or dreamed it could be in those first dark days.
Cam remained in an induced coma for two days while his body recovered and repaired itself. During that time, plans had to be made for Tamara’s funeral. Her dad was a drunken mess and kept referring everything back to Cam. There was no one else to take charge, so I did what I thought Cam would want me to do and arranged a funeral for her. I didn’t do it because I wanted praise or recognition. I did it because it’s what Cam would’ve done and because she was Harry’s mum, and one day, he might want to know about his mum’s funeral.
With the help of Mum, Jim and Ash, we picked a coffin and headstone and arranged a church service. The only people to attend were Tamara’s Dad and my family, who were there to support me, and on Harry’s behalf.
Cam started to be brought out of his coma around the third day after his surgery. By day five, I was threatening to put him back in a coma, permanently. He was the worst patient I had ever known, and I’m sure the staff of the Royal Free Hospital felt exactly the same way. He was miserable, short tempered and did nothing but complain. He refused to take his meds as he didn’t like the fact they made him sleepy and refused point blank to allow the nurses to give him a bed bath.
How nurse Jen and her team didn’t strangle or inject him with something that would stop his mouth from working, I will never know.
We were told in the beginning that Cam would require a two to three week hospital stay. He discharged himself on day eight and I brought him home in the hope that being at home would improve his temperament. It didn’t. Nothing was right. He wanted to drink bourbon, but I knew that would be dangerous with all the meds he was taking. He wanted sex, but the doctor had recommended abstaining for a couple of weeks. He didn’t like any of the dinners I cooked him, and he complained constantly of being bored. In the end, I shagged his brains out and he slept for a solid nine hours afterwards.
We employed a nurse to come in and change his dressing and check all of his vitals twice a day. So, two weeks after the shooting when I came home from a trip to the supermarket with Harry, after leaving Cam in the care of the nurse, and found the house empty with only a note telling me he had popped to the club to sort out some business, I finally lost it. Really lost it. I threw a chair across the room, swiped the kettle and all of my storage jars containing tea, sugar and biscuits off the bench top, and went for the fruit bowl next. I only stopped then because H, who was still
strapped into his car seat, which I had sat on the kitchen table, began to cry after the big ceramic fruit bowl my mum had bought us in Portugal crashed to the tiled floor and made him jump.
I calmed myself down and marched back out to my car, strapped Harry in and headed to the club, dodging the photographers who’d been camped at my gates for the past two weeks.
* * *
The place was in total darkness apart from the emergency lighting when I arrived and my heart rate increased as I put Harry’s car seat down and pulled my phone out of my back pocket to call Cam. Without warning, all of the stage lights came on and I stood and stared as music started to play. My dad and all of my brothers stood in a line on the stage behind Cam. As I looked around the room, I spotted my mum and the rest of my family and a few members of the clean-up crew and daytime staff from the club.
If my mouth wasn’t hanging open previous to that moment, it certainly was when Cam started singing “Ain’t too proud to beg” by The Temptations, with my dad and brothers all joining in perfectly with their backup harmonies.
Cam has a terrible voice. I was married to one of the best singer/songwriters England had ever produced, neither of which had deterred him from getting up on that stage and letting everyone know his feelings. All of which made me love him to the point where I felt like my heart was about to burst. Instead of my heart bursting though, it was me, who burst, into tears. I stood in the middle of the club and felt totally overwhelmed and exhausted by the events of the last few weeks, and not knowing what else to do, I just stood and cried.
I felt Cam’s big strong arm wrap around me as he kissed my hair and my head, then my neck and my cheek. I tried not to squeeze him to me too tightly, in case I hurt his arm.
“I love the fuck out of you, Kitten. I’m so sorry for being such hard work these last few weeks.” He cupped the side of my face in his big hand and wiped away my tears with his thumb. “I’ll never be able to thank you enough for what you’ve done for me and Harry.” His lips trembled as he talked. “I don’t know how you feel about this, but I’ve spoken to Eli, and if you’re up for it, I’d like you to adopt Harry as your own.” I break out into an ugly snot-bubble cry and all I can do is nod my head. A tear runs down Cam’s cheek. “As soon as I get this thing off my arm, I want us to get married, then when the babies come, I’m locking the gates and the front door and shutting the rest of the world out. I’m gonna stay home each and every day and do nothing but love the fuck out of you and our kids.”
He then had me, my mum and my sisters-in-law all whisked away for a pamper day, later having me delivered to the Mandarin Hotel, where he was waiting to spoil me some more for the night while my mum went home and looked after H.
We didn’t actually end up getting married until June of 2003. Ash and Jimmie had insisted they be able to drink at my hens do and our wedding, which of course meant waiting until after the babies were born.
* * *
Determined not to be the youngest member of our family, George Francis King arrived two weeks early, on Valentine’s Day, weighing in at a healthy and eye watering eight pounds and nine ounces.
I was stunned when he was put into my arms as the doctors attended to my beautiful and selfless best friend, Jimmie. When Beau was born with his dark hair, I was absolutely positive he was the image of Sean, but looking down at George for that first time, was like looking at the image of Beau, so there must’ve been at least a little bit of me in both of my sons. I can’t begin to put into words the range of emotions that rushed through me in that moment. How conflicted I felt. How much love I felt for this new life I was holding in my arms, who was a part of me and Cam, and at the same time aching so badly for my husband and the children we had lost.
“He looks just like his big brother,” Cam said as he stroked George’s cheek with the back of his finger. I smiled through my tears.
“I think Harry’s more like you than George.”
He shook his head and took George from my arms. He kissed his forehead and looked at me. “I’m talking about Beau. The photos you have of Beau, George looks like the same baby.” All I could do was nod. He left me speechless. Cameron King, the man described in the papers as an East End bad boy, and his capacity for love left me completely speechless.
Just four days later, on the eighteenth of February, our daughters were born by caesarean section. As soon as Ash was done being thoroughly pissed off at the news she was carrying twin girls, because in her words, ‘There was now no chance of her ever having any King dick inside her vagina.’, she had promptly booked herself into the Portland hospital for a C-section.
At four thirty seven in the afternoon, Kiki Camryn King was born weighing in at a small but healthy four pounds two ounces, her younger sister by four minutes exactly, Tallulah Rae arrived weighing four pounds exactly. The girls looked so tiny when we laid them next to their big brothers.
* * *
Our lives since that day had been filled with love, light and complete and utter chaos, and I wouldn’t swap it for the world. Our boys and Kiks were the absolute image of their Daddy, right down to their mannerisms; although, George would sometimes look at me a certain way and it was like looking at myself, despite the difference in our eye colour. Lulah was the only one of my children who resembled me, and when I say resembled, she was a clone, not only in looks, but in her mannerisms and nature, too. Our eldest three were pretty easy going, but our Lu was strong willed, defiant, bad tempered and was scared of no one. She was the smallest and yet the bravest, and I’m sure her father had already shaken his head at her more times in her short life than he had at me in all the years we’d known each other.
* * *
We are here in Florida now, holidaying with our entire family, including all of my brothers and their wives and kids, my parents, plus Benny and Marian.
Marian had moved in with us as our housekeeper, and she also helped out with the kids on the rare occasion I ever left them on their own.
It turned out that Marian was originally from Scotland and had been Cam’s mum’s best friend. They had moved to the bright lights of London together as innocent sixteen-year-olds and both ended up marrying Londoners.
I look down at Cam as he bites on my nipple, his eyes still looking up at me.
“Ouch, that hurts, I thought we had to get up?” I complain.
He kisses where he just bit me. “We do, but I think we need a quick fuck first. What d’ya reckon?”
“I reckon you should’ve left me to sleep for another half an hour or at least brought me coffee.” He grinds his hips and his hard on into me.
“I’ve got something much better than coffee for you, Kitten, and this comes with a double shot and extra cream.” He winks as he smiles his sexiest smile. I don’t know at what age men are supposed to lose their libido, but at forty-eight, Cam most definitely hadn’t got that memo and I don’t mind in the least that he is still my Martini man; any time, any place, anywhere.
Our bedroom door flies open and Tallulah storms in. Cam rolls off me and pulls the quilt to cover us both up.
“Shit,” he hisses quietly.
“It was an accident. I didn’t mean to do it and now they’re all shouting at me.”
She’s wearing her Tinkerbell costume, complete with wings and a pair of pink and silver Converse, and for a not yet five-year-old, she’s totally rocking the look.
She looks up at Cam with her big blue eyes as he sits himself up in bed and holds his arms out for her. Sucker. I know that look. It’s one I’ve used on the men in my life since I was a bit younger than my daughter is now and I know as sure as shit that whatever it is she’s saying she didn’t do; she did it. I’d bet my last pound on it.
“What happened, princess. Who’s shouting at you?” Cam asks her as she climbs on the bed and into his lap.
“Daddy, don’t be daft. I’m Tink not a princess. Kiks is a princess. She’s got her Aurororora dress on.” Cam winks at me as we both try not to smile at her mispronun
ciation of Aurora.
Harry and George come through the door next, both wearing swim shorts that are dripping wet.
“Boys, stop right there. What are you doing in the house while you’re all wet like that?” They both come to a halt. For anyone who didn’t know our family history, you would assume Harry, George and Kiki were triplets. They are all the absolute image of Cam. “Why were you in the pool? You know the rule. No pool unless there’s an adult with you.”
Before the boys can defend themselves, Marley walks in carrying a soaking wet and sobbing Kiki, still kitted out in her pink Sleeping Beauty dress and tiara and I’m now absolutely certain that Lulah is behind the chaos.
“What happened?” I ask Marley, who, I notice is also fully clothed and dripping wet.
The boys start to speak, but Cam points his finger and they both fall silent, their big brown eyes looking from me to their dad.
“Your daughters had a difference of opinion and one of them ended up in the pool.” All eyes turn to Lu.
“Well,” she says, turning her baby blues and all her charm to Cam, “it was like this, Daddy. Kiks had orange flip flops on with her pink Aurororora dress and I said they looked ugly together and she pushed me and I pushed her back and she fell in the pool and the boys jumped in to save her and then Uncle Marls jumped in to save them all, but I didn’t mean it, Daddy, and she pushed me first.” Her eyes fill with tears as the boys and Kiki start to all talk at once.
“Shush, the lot of ya!” Cam shouts over them. “One at a time. H, you’re the eldest, you start.” Harry frowns as he looks at Tallulah and shakes his head. I can’t help but smile at how much like Cam he is.
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