by Sally Henson
Part of me wished I had my phone to see if Roan sent me any messages. But I lost it somewhere between my house and James’. Probably for the best. I was sure I would have scrolled through pictures of him.
I wasn’t even able to call Cayla. She didn’t know about anything that happened since she didn’t go to the party. She would want to cheer me up, though. And I didn’t want to be cheered up yet.
I closed my eyes and tried to drift back to sleep.
My door burst open and banged against the doorstop. It startled me from my heartbreak coma or sleep, not sure which state I was in. I turned to see who was there.
“Girl,” Cayla said. She folded her arms against her chest, popping a hip out. “Am I not your best friend? Why didn’t you call me last night? You shouldn’t have walked that far by yourself.”
She plowed across the room and opened my blinds to let the sunlight in. It shown directly in the windows and made me squint. My room faced west, so it I knew it was afternoon. Had I lain in bed that long?
Bikini strings tied around the back of her neck caught my eye as she stormed toward me and plopped on the side of my bed. Cayla twisted, bringing a folded leg up so she was facing me.
I sat up and scooted toward the headboard. I drew my knees up and sucked my bottom lip between my teeth and bit down. Was she mad that I hadn’t called her yet?
“How did you find out?” I asked, moving my gaze to the pattern of the quilt on my legs.
“Madi,” she said.
I pushed out a sigh, showing I wasn’t happy about my sister blabbing. It should have been me telling Cayla. Hard to do without a phone.
“Spill. Tell me everything,” she demanded.
She was the only best friend I had left, and she deserved to know. I didn’t want to hold out on her, but I was secretly hoping Roan would come over and tell me the whole thing was a misunderstanding.
If it had been, he would’ve come over already. But he didn’t. Tears stung my eyes the millionth time since yesterday. I glanced at her soft brown eyes beckoning me to begin. So I did. About my missed kiss with Roan, our walk on the beach, his deflection at Gabe’s question, my dad not coming home for graduation, London’s hurtful prank, and Roan and James’ conversation I overheard.
“Girl,” she said and then wrapped me in a hug. “I’m sorry about your dad.”
“It’s okay. I know he can’t help it.” I swallowed. It was already easier to say. “I’ll get over it.”
“Ugh,” she growled, releasing me. “London is such a rip. I think everyone is tired of her stupid face.”
I pinched the fabric of my quilt along the seam. I had always tried to be nice to everyone, but she was so spiteful. “I don’t know what I ever did to her.”
“Nothing.” She sighed. “She’s a spoiled brat.” She paused for a few seconds. “Stupid Roan,” she growled. “I can’t believe him.” She looked up at me with an expression looking as painful as I felt. “I know he was your best friend too. I feel like I pushed you on him. But the way he looked at you, touched you, sometimes…I…” She dropped her head. “I’m sorry.”
My eyes stung again. I shook my head. It wasn’t her fault. “I thought so too.” I wanted it—him. I had begun to feel something more with him since last summer, but I was too scared to do or say anything about it.
“I knew he was about as friendly as a grizzly bear and only cared about what he wanted.” She raised her head and looked at me. I met her gaze. Her lips stretched into a tight line before she said, “I just can’t believe he would do that to you.”
My eyes brimmed. Even though my throat tightened, I managed to speak. “Me either. He hasn’t even tried to talk to me since last night.” My words came out so soft, they were barely audible.
Her eyes glazed over when she asked, “Madi said you cried all night.”
I nodded.
“You like him that much?” she asked.
Her question unleashed the floodgates. Tears flowed over my lashes like the rushing waves onto the beach. I bit my lips together and nodded again. “I don’t want to be his secret. Kiss when no one’s around and pretend nothing’s going on when we’re around others.”
He should have never been the kissing tutor. I wiped my face. “I don’t even care about boosting my reputation from prom anymore. He was more than a kissing tutor. More than my best friend. Now he’s just a boy down the street. And he won’t even be that for long.”
29
Cayla, Roan and I had P.E. last period, but the school had an assembly celebrating the baseball win. Most all the softball players had Athletics P.E. at the time as the baseball players last hour. The entire school would soon be in the gymnasium for an assembly to celebrate the baseball team’s win. My team sat together on the bleachers per Coach Hayes’ instructions. We were smack in the middle of the bottom row.
After the rest of the school had shuffled in, the principal announced, “North Carolina’s state baseball champions, Sweet Water’s very own Lions!” The crowd cheered. Coach Crawford and Coach Rojas led the players across the hardwood to the lion’s head in the middle of the floor.
Cayla leaned close and said, “Coach Rojas is hot.”
I scrunched my nose, checking him out. “Ew. He’s like… old.”
“He’s in his twenties. That’s not old. Those tattoos. And he’s… fit.” She wriggled her eyebrows.
I snickered and shook my head. She was probably trying to put a smile on my face. It worked. For a second.
Roan and I had ignored each other all day. Even though I told him I didn’t want to see him again, I was disappointed he hadn’t tried to talk to me at all since Saturday night. He had to know how much he hurt me. I couldn’t be the one to make a move. And obviously ten years of friendship meant nothing to him.
Coach Rojas made sure all the players were lined up between Coach Crawford and himself. Roan was the last one. His face was a blank slate. Shawn, James, and Gabe were whooping it up. Roan stood there like a statue with his hands in his pockets, his eyes focused on the floor in front of him.
“These young men,” Coach Crawford began, giving a speech about their dedication and work ethic. He acknowledged Gabe’s batting average for the playoffs, Shawn’s low ERA, and Roan’s ability to keep the ball in front of him and the pitchers focused.
A quiver of excitement vibrated in my chest at his accomplishment. Even though what he did hurt, I couldn’t have been prouder for him. He was a great catcher. He worked hard to get to the level he was at.
Coach Rojas put a hand on Roan’s shoulder. Roan’s head swiveled to look at him. The corners of Roan’s mouth lifted.
The tiny spark in his golden eyes had me drifting back to our first kiss. The quiver I felt seconds ago turned into boxing gloves that used my heart as a punching bag.
Roan faced forward and our eyes connected. His smile fell along with his gaze. He was back to his stone-like expression.
We were close to being so good. We almost made it as a couple. Close, almost…they never count.
30
“I should have studied tonight,” I said. “It’s my last two exams.”
Mom slashed her hand above the steering wheel as she pulled into the parking spot. “Wednesdays are the only time I have free. Besides, I’m working doubles the next two days so I can be off this weekend.” She reached over and squeezed my cheeks. “You’re graduating from high school.”
My sister chimed in too. “Come on. It’ll be fun.”
I didn’t want to have fun. I wanted to study and mope about my miserable luck with boys. Not to mention the fact that I lost my best friend. Interaction with Roan today had been a repeat of Monday and Tuesday. Minus the assembly and brief eye contact during. Which meant we ignored each other.
“The new Tommie Jenkins will kiss high school and all its drama goodbye,” Madi said, opening her door.
“I don’t even know who I am anymore,” I mumbled.
Mom placed her hand on my forearm, giving it a gen
tle squeeze. “Who do you want to be?”
I heard Madi shuffle back into her seat. The last few days, she’d tried to be extra nice. She even picked out my clothes for school and laid them on my bed when I was in the shower every day.
I shrugged.
“Girls.” Mom glanced at me and then the rearview mirror. “You choose who you want to be. And then you be it. You want to be a straight-A student…you learn how to study effectively. You want to be a good athlete…you practice, practice, practice. You can be what you want, but it will cost you hard work. Dedication.” She opened her door, stepped out with her purse in tow, and closed the door behind her.
Madi and I did the same, meeting her in front of the car. She wrapped an arm around both of us as we crossed the parking lot toward the clothing stores. “It’s okay if you don’t know what or who you want to be yet. Just remember God first and then family. Always. Everything else works around that.”
Sometimes Mom dished out advice I didn’t understand, but this was simple. It wasn’t the first time she had said it, and I did my best to follow that creed.
We entered the first store. Graduating seniors had to buy a gown to go over our clothes, so I didn’t think what I wore underneath was important. I went to the rack of dresses and flipped through them. It would probably be hot, so I looked for something lightweight and sleeveless.
Madi and Mom spread out where the tops and shorts were. After a few minutes of searching the rack, I went to find them. I thought we were looking for a graduation outfit for me. I think they had something else in mind.
“I have a room started for you,” Madi said, ushering me toward the dressing room. She pointed to an open stall with a pile of clothes hanging on the hook. How did she do that so fast? “Try those on. I want to see each one on you.”
I sighed. “I’m just getting a graduation outfit. I don’t need to try on all that stuff.”
Mom came up behind us. “Tommie, you need some clothes. Now go try those on.”
I rolled my eyes but stepped into the room and closed the door. I stripped off my shirt and shorts and put on the first set I came to. A fitted T-shirt with a shimmery silver-gray bead design with swirls of black and pink, and a pair of black button fly shorts.
When I looked into the mirror, the odd familiarity of the moment hit me. I met Roan on the pier on a day just like this. The memory of walking on the beach hand in hand and the first kiss we shared played back.
I closed my eyes, and then I could feel the warmth of my hand in his. Our first tutoring lesson on the beach. The way my stomach quivered when he pulled me close…those feelings never stopped. I wanted more every time we were close like that.
My eyes stung. It was over. Wet streaks flowed down my cheeks. I wasn’t sure I could trust another guy like that. Roan’s rejection humiliated me more than my public prom kiss debacle. He broke my heart. Judging by the brief moment our eyes met at Monday’s school assembly, he had an idea. At the rate he was responding, he would be gone to Tennessee and we’d never speak again.
I tried to shake his tender kisses from my mind.
“Let us see,” Madi said, knocking on the door.
I opened my eyes and looked in the mirror. Tears stained my cheeks. My red eyes gave my misery away. Would I ever stop aching for him?
I sniffed and swallowed down the lump in my throat before twisting the knob and pushing the door open.
As it swung open, Mom and Madi stood, waiting to assess me. Mom’s mouth pressed into a tight line. Her brow crinkled above her soft blue eyes. “Tommie,” she said. Her tone was full of compassion. She stepped forward and pulled me into a hug.
“I can’t do this.” My words came out broken. Exactly how I felt. “Why do I want someone who doesn’t want me?”
Madi played music from her phone through the car speakers on the way home. My favorite song came on, and my throat instantly tightened. I closed my eyes and fought the tears.
Roan said he wanted me to think of him every time I heard it. And then kissed me during the whole thing. In his hot tub. I even ended up on his lap by the time it was over. Ugh, it was so amazing. I had felt so special in that moment.
I wiped the tears from my cheeks. I couldn’t tell Madi to shut it off. Maybe I tortured myself by remembering every tremble in my stomach, every excited heartbeat, every electric touch. Why did we have to end this way?
After we got home, Mom pulled into the garage. I grabbed the bag of clothes off the floor and got out. I needed to study, but mostly I just wanted to lie down.
I followed Madi in the house and darted straight up the stairs. Brendan walked out of the bathroom when I made it to the hallway. He had on a pair of dark jeans, a nice shirt, and his wet hair styled in his messy way.
“Hey. Didn’t expect you home this early,” he said. He looked down at his shirt sleeve as if he didn’t want to look me in the face.
I shifted the bag in my hand. “Yeah. I didn’t feel like shopping.” I went on in my bedroom and dropped the bag by the closet. I plopped down on the end of my bed to take my shoes off.
Brendan leaned against my door frame and asked, “Do I need to have a talk with him?”
I stopped what I was doing. Did he know about Roan? About what happened? “Who?” I asked.
His face tightened. “Roan. I can’t believe you two haven’t made up yet.”
I shook my head. This wasn’t some silly, petty fight like we’d had before. This was him breaking my heart. I sniffed. Stupid tears wouldn’t stop showing up. They flooded my eyes, distorting everything into a blur. “No.”
“Let me know if you change your mind. I’m going out. Night, sis.”
I slipped off my shoes and crossed my room to shut the door.
A knock sounded as soon as I closed it. I swung it back open. Madi stood there.
“Yeah?” I asked.
She guided me over to my bed for us to sit down together.
“What?” I didn’t want to talk.
“I know you think Roan lied about liking you, but I saw it. That night when he came over for supper. He flirted with you the whole time. It wasn’t the first time either. I’ve seen him do it before. Before all this kissing tutor stuff. What about when he brought you home from prom and stayed with you? And then that night you guys went to the party at Logan’s?” She pointed out to the hall. “He kissed you right out there. In front of me. And it wasn’t some little peck on the cheek either.”
Her reminder only cracked my chest again. “Please stop reminding me of him. It’s over. I need to get over it. I need to move on, or I’ll never want to leave the house again.”
She gave me a sad smile. “I’m sorry. I just didn’t want you to think—” She stopped before finishing her sentence. “Okay.” She stood, walked to the closet to snatch up the bag of clothes, and said, “I’ll take these downstairs and wash them.”
She walked out of my room without another word and closed the door behind her.
I reached for my book bag by the nightstand and pulled out my pre-calculus notes. Not that studying would be possible. I couldn’t stop thinking about him. How much longer could I take this?
31
For the fourth morning in a row my sister, had an outfit laid out on my bed after I’d showered. A small smile lifted my cheeks. She had been so different the past few months. It was her idea for me to find a kissing tutor. If I had kept my feelings in check, would it have worked out with Roan? Maybe I was pushing him before he was ready. It didn’t matter anymore.
Even though I wanted to wear my old basketball shorts and a T-shirt this week, Madison made sure I didn’t. And that was a good thing.
I slipped on my clothes and knocked on her door.
“Yeah?” she called.
I turned the knob and poked my head inside her room. “What do you think?” I asked, pushing the door all the way open and holding my arms out to my sides so that she could see my outfit.
Madi stood at her closet and gave me a smile. Her thi
ck, golden-blonde hair was brushed and tussled with a few curls at the ends. She wore a pair of shorts that showed off her lean legs and a tank top with a short-sleeved shirt over it that had crisscrossed straps at the top. She motioned with her finger for me to turn around. I did so.
She gave me a thumbs up. “Fits well. Looks good. You’ll knock ‘em dead today.”
I rolled my eyes. “It’s just school.”
Her eyebrows lifted. “You want me to do your hair? I’ll just blow-dry and smooth it out.” She met me at the door, turning me around, and combed her fingers through my damp hair.
“If it won’t take too long.” I considered going to Roan’s house this morning, but he needed to apologize to me, not me to him. But I missed him. I missed kissing him. I missed having fun with him.
Madi nudged me in the shoulders. “Let’s get with it. Don’t want to be late for school.”
After she blew-dried my hair every which way, she had me sit on the toilet so she could run a smoothing iron through it.
I sat quiet and still. Pretty much like I’d been since Sunday.
“Have you talked to him?” she asked.
I shook my head.
She combed a piece of hair out and smoothed the iron over it. “Have you seen him? He looks miserable.”
I pursed my lips. “He’s avoiding me. Which is fine. I didn’t want to see him either. Besides, I’m the one who’s miserable, not him. He got what he wanted.” Even as I said the words, I couldn’t believe they were true. Roan may have come off as distant or a growly bear to others, but they didn’t know him like I did. If he was the same guy I’d grown up with, he wouldn’t purposefully hurt me.
Would he?
My chest tightened. I didn’t know anymore. Maybe I needed to hear why he didn’t want anyone to know.
“Would you be mad if I talked to him?” She used the iron on the shorter pieces of hair near my jaw, curving the bottoms inward.