“What do you mean?” Jax asked, the king’s voice reflecting the defeated look on his face.
“You said you wanted feedback,” Jan responded, speaking to Celine rather than Jax. “The idea is horrible.”
“Thank you.” Silence. It was killing them all, but Stel had a feeling that’s why no one had said anything.
“I have something, from, there,” Stel spoke up. The silence was tearing her apart, ripping her piece by piece, and stomping on the remains.
“Had a pleasant trip?” Z’s voice, broken and shattered, but hearing his voice didn’t even get you close to his eyes. Tears pooled, threatening to spill over. He was trying to set the mood, trying to make things better. But even he knew that the band-aid that we called laughter couldn’t heal the deep and lethal gash that Fey left in all of them.
“We already read your report, but please go ahead and tell us anyway.” Jax so far was the only one who looked unaffected. But Stel knew. That day, he might’ve been turned away from Fey, but she saw the pain in the King of NNR’s tears.
“They are way advanced in their technology. There’s no possible way, even with the best engineer in NNR here, will we ever catch up.” Stel specifically looked at Z at this part, who had a steely glint in his eyes, a look that said, ‘we’ll see about that’. “Not in a million years. And they’re getting ready. For war, this time. Building something, but I don’t know what, exactly. All I know is that Kessia doesn’t even trust her human executioner. She hasn’t told anyone.”
“No one?” Z echoed, skeptical.
“Nada.”
“There has to be someone. No way, would she be able to do this all by herself. She’s an amazing politician, but she doesn’t know how to do whatever she’s doing.” Jan stated, so detached, that Stel wanted to stand up and punch him. There wasn’t even a trace of emotion in him; not in his voice, body language, words.
Nothing.
Stel understood if hiding his face was his way of dealing with things. But not cracking, even once, really began to raise lingering doubts. Just because Arleyene was the spy, doesn’t mean she was the only- no. The thoughts were creeping in again, trying to fog out another coherent thought.
“But what is she doing?” Celine asked.
“On it,” Z called out, pulling up his laptop. They were functioning. In a, at least, semi-normal way.
“Any good news?” Stel had forgotten that Jan had no idea what the small smiles between Celine and Jax were for.
“We got files. They might notice. A bit. They won’t notice at all,” Stel hurriedly rushed, desperately trying to reassure Celine’s questioning looks. She realized how crazy she probably looked, so she took in a deep breath, and started all over again, this time in a more composed manner. “I stole files, in a methodical order, in which they probably won’t notice. But even if we do, they won’t have anything against us since Arleyene’s body is out and it’s open knowledge that she’s dead. They can’t accuse us without any solid base to start from. If we can start working with those files, that’ll be great.”
“Already have,” Z hummed, eyes fixated on his screen.
“And…” Jax started.
Stel shot him a glare. Telling someone sounded a lot easier than how it now felt. “And… imayormaynothavegottentheelixir.”
Z dropped his laptop. “Did I hear you right, because I heard that-”
“Yep.”
“You-”
“Yep.”
“No.”
“Yep.”
“Z,” Celine said gently, picking up the laptop gingerly. “She got it.’’
“How ignorant are you?” Jan was standing up, his eyes raging.
“Jan,” Jax quietly said, but with enough force that Jan slowly sat down. Though that didn’t stop him.
“You realize that they will come for it. They aren’t stupid. They know that you took it. It’s too suspicious. You almost got caught there and then they let you go. With the Elixir. What happened? And don’t you dare even have the audacity to say that they were foolish enough to let you go.”
“January! What’s gotten into you?” Celine this time, was on her feet.
“Look at it, Celine, from a realistic point,” January said. “What are the chances that this could’ve happened? What if this was their plan the entire time. What if-”
“Shut up! Would you?” Stel couldn’t take it anymore, them arguing whether she was a spy or not, caught up in a plan.
Z meekly spoke up, “Um, I would hate to interrupt this argument, Stel. But I need to know-”
“Shut up!” Z looked taken aback by Stel’s yell.
“Thanks Z, but now is not the time,” Celine forcibly told him.
“I guessed,” he muttered.
“How am I the spy? I didn’t even want to be in The Strategists!” Stel roared, ignoring Z and Celine and Jax, all of whom were trying to break the fight apart.
“Then why don’t you quit, huh? At least the worry that you might make one wrong move, and kill the rest of us is-”
“January Kurata-Tormont. If you don’t shut up right now, I swear to god, I will have you locked up,” Celine spoke up, yet again. This time, however, all voices stopped from both ends. Celine turned on January, eyes ablaze. “Jan. Apologize.”
“How old do you think I am? I’m going to die, before I apologize to her. I can keep relations civil though. For Fey.”
“Don’t use her name like that! You don’t feel anything. I get if you don’t want to cry or show yourself as weak. But to not do anything? To not break in the last months of suffering? You don’t remorse, you don’t mourn. You just live on in your emotionless-”
“Stel,” Jax’s voice, was a warning, but Stel didn’t pay any heed to the king’s tone.
“-way of work. Work, work, work, work. I might have been the newest addition to this team, but everyone accepts me more than you. No one trusts you Jan. And all for the right reasons. Who would trust an emotionless jerk, who can’t shed a single tear for someone that they care so much about, huh? Does it help to know that Fey never spoke about you? That she didn’t care for you, because no one does. You accuse me of killing the person I consider my older sister. You accuse me of conspiring against you all. Really, you all have been conspiring against me! You couldn’t tell me that Fey-” she looked pointedly at Celine, who was looking down. “-was getting worse. I was on a mission only for her sake. You couldn’t tell me, hey, there’s a chance that Fey might die, be careful. I couldn’t see her. I couldn’t, dammit.
“I gave up my sister for you guys. I’m only here so she can get better. You entire lot are all just as bad as them. You can keep your face straight, while weaving lies and ruining people’s lives. You say that you guys are doing this for the benefit of the nation. The nation doesn’t believe in you anyway! They hate you. Despise you. Because you have no idea how it is to live on the streets, year, after year. And you just put on your sympathetic face and give a false hope to people, only to let them down when they can’t even feed themselves. But they have hope, don’t they? —so why don’t they just choke that down?”
There was silence.
“Wow,” Z’s voice was quiet, and for once, wasn’t full of humour. “Glad to know that’s how you feel, Stel.”
She was out of breath, trying to convince herself that she wasn’t the one who said those words. And when she couldn’t deny that he said those things, and she finally registered what flew out her mouth, she felt her cheeks flame up. “No. No, no, no. I didn’t mean that. I just-”
“Said what you’ve bottled up for a month now? It’s okay.” Celine’s voice was wavering, in and out, though it held strength. The one she’d been carrying since she started to care for Fey in the sick bay, Stel guessed.
“I’m sorry. I really am.”
“And I thought Hollingsworth could explode,” Jax said, actually grinning. “You see Stel, the fire in your eyes. It just got lit up, even if it was to light our asses on fire, it worked. Yo
u are officially a Strategist. Whether you accept the title or not, it’s there.”
January looked shocked and entertained, all in one. “Quite a show, though it might be better let Celine do the talking now. Just in case.”
“Sorry,” She was speaking to Jan now, a special sorry to apologize for raising the doubt that everyone had and just for being an overall horrible being to him since they met.
“Cool. I wasn’t joking when I said I’d rather die than apologise though.” There was an astonished ‘January’ from Celine in the corner, but Jan continued on. “I haven’t said sorry in my lifetime, and I have no intention on starting now.”
There was tenseness in his shoulders and they all got the memo to drop it.
“Thank you, Z, for getting the information onto our system and for starting to look into it,” Jax said, “Remember it for tomorrow, please. Now, this meeting, is adjourned.”
“Who are you now, Judge Mason of the Not-So-Intact-Westhouse Courthouse?” Z asked, dark eyebrow raised teasingly.
“Who named that place anyway?” Celine piped in, joining in their small group walking towards the door.
“Hey, it sounded cool when I was 7!” Jax complained. “And it semi-rhymes.”
“Nope,” Z said gleefully, looking content with this new blackmail information. “Rhyming a word with the same word, does not count.”
“Guys?” Everyone’s head turned to look at Stel.
Jax didn’t even need to explain, because he just waved his hand with a weary smile. “The Elixir is in a safe place. Hopefully.”
Celine gave the king a pointed look. “Jax!”
“Safe place,” he confirmed.
“Celine!” This time it was Jan, shouting at her to come back from behind the group.
“What is it with people and calling me?” Celine asked rhetorically, heading back to see Jan.
Apparently, Z didn’t get rhetorical questions, because he responded, “You’re too fabulous, darling!” He struck a pose mockingly, and Stel faked gagged, causing Z to shoot her a stink-eye. “You’re just jealous, Hathaway.”
“Shoo guys,” Celine said, looking both unimpressed and entertained. “Jan is going to tell me some serious news.”
“If you propose, Kurata-Tormont…” Stel called out, missing the teasing that always happened. With Fey.
“Jax will have your throat. He’s been waiting, so you better get in line.” Jax gave Z an extremely dark look, but the mechanic just laughed, ducking out of Jax’s vicinity to stand next to Stel.
“Shut up,” Celine warned Z, who immediately went into salute.
“Yes sir.” Stel elbowed Z, who quickly corrected himself. “Ma’am.”
Celine rolled her eyes. “Go.”
“Fine, fine,” Z conceded, quirking his lip at Jax. “Let me guess; you have some blueprints you want to revise?”
“You know me so well,” Jax said to Z before turning to Stel. “Do you wish to join, Hathaway?”
“Nah, I’m good.”
Z gave her a wink and proceeded to march down the hallways, looking completely ridiculous next to the refined Jax. If Z could still joke after everything he went through, Stel supposed she could try her best as well.
Stel was halfway down the hallway when she had to turn back as she realized she left her sweater behind. Besides, Celine and Jan were probably in the control room anyway. Stel opened the door quietly, and it closed with a gentle thud behind her. She winced, the sound sounded louder than it was in the quiet room, but luckily not enough to break the deep conversation Jan and Celine were in. What could be so important?
“Please. Celine, it would mean so much,”
“I’m thinking about it. It’s just—it would be so hard. Who’s organizing it again?”
“Me.”
“You?”
“Her family won’t be able to.”
“You asked them?”
“They sold her off, before she was even part of this.”
“Oh god. Do her parents know about her passing?”
“I don’t know. I never reached out to them after it all happened. I don’t think Fey would want them to know; they sold her, Hollingsworth. I’m surprised that she didn’t say a word about it to anyone.”
“Not even you?”
“Funnily enough, yes, she did tell me.”
“You want me to speak at her funeral?”
“Yes. It would mean a lot to her. Ask Stel too. I would’ve, but…”
“Oh.”
“Please,”
“Jan; are you cry-are you crying?”
“We break. We fall, we break, we bleed, and we have to live through that.”
“Is this about Stel’s-”
“No! God, no. What Stel said is what I’ve been wanting to hear from someone. I know, I should cry, but I- I can’t. When I was 5, I cried myself to bed every night. Why did Aunty Ann leave me here? I stopped calling her Aunty when I couldn’t cry anymore. Dammit.”
“Why are you telling me this?”
“For the longest time I hated you. Envy coloured my sight green because despite the limitations put on you, you still were able to push through. You became Head Strategist, survived Scorchen. I’m trying to make amends, I guess.”
“Jan—”
“She’s gone. She’s dead. She was alive and now she’s not. She’s dead. We were getting along so well, and then… I didn’t even say goodbye properly. I needed to forgive her, and for her to forgive me, but I couldn’t, because she died.”
There was a silence, filled with sobs, and Stel swore she could hear her heart beating double-time. The next words spoken by Jan, in his now watery voice, she had to strain to hear. The blood rushing in her ears was drowning out everything but her guilt, coming in tides. Washing over her, and gone, only to come back stronger and harder, and knocking her off balance each time.
“You will, won’t you?” he asked, his voice almost meek.
“The only thing that could stop me, is death. I promise.”
“Okay. I have to go. I’ll see you.” Hidden behind the door, she could only hear Jan’s boots walk past her, and she almost gasped when she heard Celine speak, in fear that she had been discovered. But the question was addressed to empty air, apparently.
“Why does it always take a death for people to open up?”
I don’t know Celine. I don’t know.
Fifty-Five
JANUARY was a mess. God, he had just broken down in front of Celine Hollingsworth.
In his defense, it had been a long few weeks. He knew it then that Fey was dying. He knew from that first day that she smirked in that arrogant way of hers, that he would most probably witness her death.
Like that ever prepared someone.
The feeling of loss was almost foreign to Jan now. He had already lost so much, that was true, but he numbed himself to the emotion. He distanced himself from things and places and people, because the lesson that life cursed him to learn was that nothing stayed. It was the way how things progressed, and of course it wasn’t fair, but it’s not like January Kurata-Tormont’s life ever was.
Fey Downcley was fated to die. That simple. He watched as her attempts to hold herself upright grew more and more frantic, he watched as the resigned shadows in her eyes took over, yet she didn’t tolerate a single word being voiced against her ability to function.
And to be completely honest, he wasn’t that surprised when he walked into the infirmary to see the still chest that indicated the termination of Fey Downcley’s life.
He was grieved and guilt-ridden, but not surprised.
But he didn’t have to get her a glass of water. He doubted that they could have saved her, and hell, he’s actually glad they didn’t—he could only imagine the pain of living through death. But she died all alone, with no one to at least give her a reassuring smile before she shut her eyes for the last time.
Earlier that day, he sobbed not for the death of Fey, but rather how soon it came. There was a compo
sition of lost moments that he might’ve had with her in some parallel reality, but unfortunately, he wasn’t experiencing that life. Fey Downcley died and left him with a broken kaleidoscope of possibilities that life could never grant them. He didn’t cry because he was sad, he cried because he was furious.
He cried because, honestly, he didn’t know.
Life could go quick, and he knew that in theory. But as soon as that ideology was applied? —Jan couldn’t even recognize it anymore. He numbed himself to emotion, and—of course—that ice layer just had to begin to thaw for him to feel the blade of loss press under his ribs. Fey might’ve died, but at least she didn’t have to feel pain anymore.
He just didn’t know what to believe anymore.
And he had to break because of all of this in front of Celine Hollingsworth.
(honestly, he didn’t think that he minded)
…
“May I speak with you, January?”
Jan looked questioningly at Jax, knowing that this wasn’t a request, causing the king to ruffle his hair sheepishly.
“What’s up, Jax?”
“The Elixir,” the king started, and Jan felt his body go rigid. “I want to entrust its location to you.”
“No, you don’t,” January immediately retorted, resuming his long strides towards his room. “Go tell Celine this.”
“I’m telling you, January. Not as a goodwill or because I pity you. But because out of everyone here, you most understand the gravity of the situation. The Elixir is not some pawn in this game; it’s a lethal weapon that causes more trouble than its worth. You know that.”
January considered it for a minute. “And I carry this weight alone?”
Jax shrugged, though January could see the curiosity in the king’s blue eyes. Jax wanted to know what choice Jan would make. “If you want to. Look, what you do with this information is up to you. I’m giving the secret and its full responsibility to you.”
January thought of the possibility. He could instinctively tell when someone was lying, and maybe that rubbed off on him, because he hated the idea of telling falsehoods. He hated the weight of secrets on his chest or how on edge he felt when keeping up the appearance of a lie. It was all too much when you could simply just stick with truths and cold facts.
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