by Bree Despain
And there it was—scrawled in faded brown ink across a yellowed page—the reason that everything had changed when I told Daniel I loved him. It was the thing Daniel said he could never ask. The reason he said all those awful things the way he had—the reason he’d tried to scare me away.
He’d known the truth that night under the walnut tree. My father must have told him that afternoon. It’s why Daniel was so distraught. He feared that there was no cure for him because he thought no one could love him. But I think what he really feared was that I did.
I was the one.
And he could never ask me to kill him.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
Truth
THIRTY MINUTES LATER
I sat with the book open in my lap until a small brown spider crawled across the brittle yellow pages. The spider paused for a moment and then climbed up onto the back of my hand. I didn’t flinch. I didn’t brush it away. Its tiny legs pricked my skin as I let it wind up my arm.
The spider perched on my shoulder—only inches from my face. I scooped it up and cupped it in my hand. It would only take a slight flexing of my fist to smash it.
I imagined it squished in my palm: all brown and gooey and warm.
I shuddered and opened my hand a bit. The spider tried to scurry out of my grasp. I cupped it again, blocking its escape.
Killing was wrong. Isn’t that one of those basic truths? Thou shall not kill, and all that commandment stuff. But that only pertained to people, right?
I thought of Mr. MacArthur and his spaniel’s spring litter. I thought of Daisy, all runty with only three legs. She’d been so tiny, so helpless. Mr. MacArthur had wanted to put her down—for her own good. That had seemed so wrong to me. But maybe he was right. Maybe she would have been better off going out that way. Better than being ripped to pieces by my next-door neighbor. By the Markham Street Monster.
But then she wouldn’t have been my Daisy.
The spider twitched inside my hand. Wasn’t it okay to kill a pest? To kill something dangerous? A beast? A monster? That was the real difference here, wasn’t it? Daniel had a demon inside of him. And the only way to kill the monster was to kill him. It was the only way to save his soul.
But would I be the one who went to hell instead?
Would I lose myself?
I shook my head. Katharine’s brother wouldn’t have asked his sister to do such a thing if that were the case. He wouldn’t trade her soul for his.
At least, I wouldn’t think.
I walked to the window and pushed it open with one hand. I pulled out the loose screen, climbed through the window, and crouched on the eave of the roof in the bitter night wind.
The spider was restless in my hand, twitching and fluttering its legs against my skin. I felt a sudden sting in the middle of my palm. My fingers flinched inward. I wanted to smash it. But then I hesitated and opened my hand and dropped the spider. I watched it scuttle across the shingles and out of my reach.
A small red lump rose in the middle of my hand. The stinging was only slight compared to what I felt inside. I loved Daniel. I was probably the only person who had ever loved him so much. And that made me the only person who could save him. But what he needed me to do was impossible. I’d lived without him before, and I thought I was prepared to do it again when I told him to leave town.
But how could I let him die? How could I be the one who killed him?
I looked up at the almost-full moon that hung over the walnut tree. Through my blurry eyes, it seemed too bright and strangely colored—a blood-red moon. I wished on it then like I had when I was kid. I wished this responsibility could pass to someone else. I wished for another way. I wished for a world free of darkness.
But I knew those wishes couldn’t come true. So I wished for something different.
I wished for time.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
Always
THURSDAY
As terrible as the truth was, there was something restful about it. Like knowing the answers finally calmed my brain enough for me to sleep peacefully for the first time in weeks. I woke up to a rustling sound. I assumed it was the wind and rolled over on my blanketless bed and saw the book lying open next to me. I wondered why, if the clock said it was only 2:00 a.m., it was so light out. I got out of bed and pulled my blinds open. The sun glinted off the walnut tree, and I realized it was afternoon.
Something rested inside my windowsill—a white cardboard box, like something you’d put a present in. My name was written across the top. I picked it up and was surprised by its weight. I backed away from the window and pulled off the lid. There was a note on top of a large paper-wrapped bundle. I recognized the handwriting from my childhood.
Gracie,
You are right. If I love you, then I should leave. I have already caused so much damage to your family.
Staying only puts you all in greater danger. I do love you, so I will go.
But I wanted you to see that I’ve been trying to make things right. I didn’t just come here to ruin your life.
Will you please give this to your father? If I tried to give it to him in person, he wouldn’t take it. I wanted it to be the full amount. I wanted to fulfill my obligation.
But it would be wrong to stay until I had it all. I’ve kept only a small amount to buy supplies. I’ll send more when I earn it.
Please tell Jude that I am gone. Tell him I will never return—for his sake, and yours.
I’ll love you always,
Daniel
I dropped the note and unwrapped the bundle. It was stacks of bills—thousands of dollars to replace the money he’d stolen from the parish. This was Daniel’s mysterious “obligation.”
How long must it have taken him to earn it back?
But more important, how long had this been in my room? Was Daniel gone already?
I ran down the stairs to Dad’s study, hoping he would know where Daniel might go. The room was empty. I realized that even though I didn’t have school, it was still a weekday. I bounded to the kitchen, where Mom was paying bills at the table.
“Where’s Dad?” I practically shouted. “Is he at the parish?”
Mom raised her eyebrows. “He and Don went out to the shelter.”
“What? I thought that was tonight.”
“Don got called for an extra shift at the market tonight. He didn’t want to miss delivering his hams, so Dad took him early.”
“When did they leave?”
“Ten minutes ago.”
Urrgghh! I wouldn’t be able to reach him for at least another twenty minutes. “Would it kill us to buy a couple of cell phones?!” I shouted, and threw up my hands.
“Grace!” Mom dropped her checkbook.
“Seriously. Life would be so much easier.” I grabbed the minivan keys off the hook and went to the garage door.
“I need to pick up Charity from school,” she called. But I didn’t stop.
I drove in the direction of Oak Park. Too bad I didn’t have a superhuman sense of smell—I could just follow Daniel’s scent. I was halfway to Maryanne Duke’s when something told me he wouldn’t still be at his apartment. I flipped an illegal U-turn and headed toward Main Street. He said he needed supplies. Maybe he’d be at the market.
I parked the van behind a motorcycle in the lot. Was that the same bike we rode into the city that night? If so, it meant Daniel was planning on taking off to somewhere far away—far enough that he wouldn’t just run on his own two feet. Far enough that I wouldn’t be able to find him.
I ran into the store, passed several kids from my school picking up their dance flowers at the floral counter, and went straight up to Mr. Day at the cash register.
“Have you seen Daniel?” I asked, interrupting Lynn Bishop, who was purchasing a red rose boutonniere and bottle of hairspray.
Mr. Day looked up from the register. “He just quit, dear. I think he’s headed out of town.”
I swore—not quite under my breath.
But I was already headed for the door marked EMPLOYEES ONLY. No one was in the back room, but I noticed a door that led out to the parking lot. I bolted outside just in time to see a helmeted driver cruise by on the motorcycle.
“Daniel!” I shrieked, but my voice was nothing against the roar of the engine as the bike sped away. “Don’t leave.”
The world closed in on me, spinning. I had no more breath in my chest. My knees felt soft. I wished for something to grab on to—to keep me from falling.
But then I was being pulled up instead of sinking to the pavement. Strong arms wrapped around me. Warm breath tangled with my hair.
“Don’t leave,” I said.
“I’m here, Grace,” he said. “I’m here.”
A FEW MINUTES LATER
Daniel held me until I could breathe again. The only thing obscuring us from the full view of everyone on Main was a stinking Dumpster, but I didn’t care. I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him.
He kissed me back. His lips firm but yielding, hard yet soft. He was holding back—keeping me safe.
I cupped my hand over the warm stone pendant of his necklace, holding it tight against the nape of his neck as I looked him straight in his dark brown eyes and said, “I love you.”
Daniel’s hands pressed against the small of my back, pulling me hard against his body. He kissed me deep and strong. My knees melted softer than before.
He pulled back slightly, his eyebrows furrowed. “Do you know what that means?”
“Yes. It means I’m the one who can cure you.”
He pulled away. “No, Grace. I’ll never ask you to do that. I can’t possibly ask you to kill …” He shook his head. “And it’s too dangerous.”
“I don’t care. I’ll do it.”
“Grace, we’re not talking about a little prick with a knife and a little blood on your end. You’d have to kill me.”
“Don’t act like I haven’t thought this through.”
“Have you, Grace? Do you realize it’s not just me you’d have to kill? The letter said to plunge the knife into the wolf’s heart. I’d have to be in full wolf form, and that would be too dangerous for you. I’d rather go to hell than ask you to do that.”
I stepped back for a second, creating a gap between us. I hadn’t thought that through. I hadn’t even considered any physical dangers on my end—staring down a werewolf that knew I wanted to kill it.
I stepped closer to him again. “You won’t have to ask.” I took his hand in mine. “I’d do anything to save you.”
“Anything?”
“Yes.”
“I won’t let you. I can’t….”
“Then why did you stay? Why didn’t you leave as soon as you knew what the cure was?”
“Because …”
“Because this is what you really want. You hoped I’d come to realize that this is what you need.”
All this time, I’d been trying to fix Daniel—save him—but you can’t save someone unless he wants to be saved. I understood that now. Like I understood a lot of things.
I squeezed his hand. “If this is what you want, then let me do it for you.”
Daniel looked up at the sky and scratched behind his ear. “You really are one of a kind. I mean, it’s not every day my girlfriend offers to kill me.”
“Girlfriend?”
That wry grin slid across his face. “That’s the part you question? Man, I should leave town before I really screw you up.”
“You can’t go anywhere.”
“Right, ‘cause we’ve got to go find a nice quiet place where I can turn into a werewolf, and you can run a knife through my heart.”
“Don’t say it that way.”
Daniel looked down at our entwined hands. “And it doesn’t bother you? You’d be perfectly fine with ending my life?” His voice became bitter. “You’d go on with your life as normal? Keep dating guys like Pete, go to Trenton without me, become some famous artist and never give me a second thought. You’d be fine with all that?”
“Yes,” I said.
He pulled out of my grasp.
“I mean, no … I mean, of course it bothers me. It will bother me when the time comes. But the rest of it doesn’t have to be like that. You can do all those things with me—not the date Pete part, of course. But it’s not like I need to kill you right now. We can—”
“You don’t understand.” He wouldn’t look at me. “I either need to die, or I need to leave—today. Before tonight. Before I cause any more damage …”
I brushed my hand down his cheek.
He flinched away.
“You didn’t hurt those people,” I said. “Maryanne, James, Jessica Day. It wasn’t you, right?”
Daniel fingered his necklace. “No. It wasn’t me.”
“You’ve got that moonstone necklace. You can live a … seminormal life. You can even use your abilities to help people if you want. We don’t have to do it today. Eventually, yes … but not right now.” Putting it off, not really having to face the reality of it all, was the only thing keeping me sane. “That’s why you can’t leave me. We need to stick together so I’ll be there when it needs to be done. Just give me more time, and then I’ll free your soul before you die.”
“Grace, I wish it were that simple. Time is exactly what we don’t have. We can’t put this off indefinitely. There’s more than one person out there who wants me dead. And if anyone other than you kills me …”
“Who? Who wants you dead?” I felt like I could wring that person’s neck with my own bare hands—moral consequences be damned.
“My father, for one.” Daniel’s eyes were wide like a frightened child.
“Is he here? Is he back? Is he the one who—?”
“No,” Daniel said. “Last I heard, he was in South America somewhere. I’d know if he were anywhere close.”
“Then why are you so worried? We can deal with all of this when the time comes. All I’m asking for is more time. Can’t we just live for today?”
Daniel sighed, sounding resigned. He pulled me into his arms and leaned my head against his chest. I listened to his two heartbeats thrumming under his skin. The slower pulse seemed closer to my ear, the faster one fluttering behind it.
“Is your human heart in front of the wolf’s heart?” I asked.
Daniel made a noise like he was surprised that I’d noticed the fact that he had more than one heart. “Yes, but only when I’m in human form. When I’m the wolf, then its heart takes the dominant position. But it’s always with me—part of me.”
That must be why I needed to stab him while he was in wolf form—to guarantee that the wolf’s heart took the brunt of the blow.
“What did the letter mean when it said ‘In an act of true love’?” I asked. If I was going to do this—kill him—someday, I wanted to make sure I understood exactly how to do it right. “The letter said the cure would only work if you were killed ‘in an act of true love’ by the person who loved you most.”
“I think it means the intent has to be pure,” Daniel said into my hair. “Not something done out of fear or hate or coercion. It has to be an act of pure, unwavering love.”
“No fear.” I pictured myself alone with a monstrous wolf. Was that something I was capable of? I’d have to be. “Just love,” I said, and buried those other thoughts.
“Yes,” Daniel snorted. “True love’s first kill.”
He held me tight against him. The parking lot had emptied and filled with a new set of cars by the time he let me go. He brushed his hands through my hair and kissed my forehead.
“You can so do better than that.” I stretched up on my toes for a real kiss.
Daniel turned his head away. “What about your brother?”
“I don’t want to kiss him,” I said, and pecked my lips along Daniel’s jaw.
“He’s here, you know.” Daniel swallowed air. “I can taste
him.”
“Okay, let’s put that on our ‘Top Ten Things Not to Say While Making Out’ list. Supersenses are cool and all, but kinda not romantic. Besides, Jude’s probably just picking up April’s corsage for the dance…. Oh, crap.”
Daniel stiffened. “What is it?”
“I’m supposed to go to the dance with Pete tonight. We’re sharing a car with April and Jude.”
“No.” Daniel let go of me. “You can’t go out tonight. You have to cancel.”
“You know I can’t do that. Pete’s probably already spent a ton of money. He’s a nice guy. I can’t just bail—”
“Pete’s not as nice as you think,” Daniel grumbled.
I laughed. “Are you jealous? Pete’s just a friend—”
Daniel grabbed me by the hips. “Of course I’m jealous, Gracie. You just told me that you love me but you are going out with another guy. But this is more important than my jealousy. If I’m staying here, then you have to stay in. I’ve got enough to keep my eye on. I can’t have you out there. Not tonight.”
“What’s with tonight?”
He looked down. “The full moon.”
“The full moon?” I looked at the little crescent carved in his necklace. “You’re afraid of the—”
“Even with this moonstone necklace, the wolf is hard to control under the light of the full moon. It’s when the wolf has the most draw on the emotions.” He bit his lip. “I try my hardest to never go into wolf form. Even though I can control my actions now, it scares me to give the wolf that much leeway. I’ve only gone wolf twice since I’ve been back. The last was when I was looking for James. The moon was waning, so I felt safer letting the wolf have a little freedom. But the first time … it was the last full moon. That time scared me. I’d turned and was miles from my place on Markham before I realized it.” Daniel looked at me. “Do you remember the last full moon?”