by Kit Eyre
‘That’s sick,’ Max cut in. ‘She’s eighteen, for Christ’s sake! I’m old enough to be her –’
‘But you’re not, are you? And, that lot, they don’t know you were screwing her mum. If you showed willing about being with someone else –’
She slammed her beer down on to the table. ‘Thanks for the meal, Elena. It was gorgeous.’
‘Max, wait,’ Elena said, but she shook her head.
‘It’s fine,’ she answered. ‘I’ve got an early shift, that’s all. Give Hannah a kiss for me.’
Next morning, she was biting everyone’s head off on switchboard. It was happening without her having any control over it, so the lads did disappearing acts when they could and the customers tended to wait outside.
It wasn’t long before lunchtime when Elena arrived with Hannah. The potential for a cuddle with that little girl was the only thing that’d got Max smiling all day, so she went through and unbuckled the straps of the pram. She earned a laugh from Hannah before she even looked at Elena.
‘Everything all right?’ Max questioned.
‘Yeah. Is Drew on a job?’
‘Train station in heavy traffic,’ Max said with a smirk. ‘Come through, I’ll put the kettle on.’
They made small talk about how well Hannah was doing until the kettle boiled then all three of them settled down on the sofa. It was enough to have the distraction so Max winced when she caught sight of the pained expression on Elena’s face.
‘What’s up?’ she asked.
Elena swept her hair behind her ears. ‘I wanted to talk to you, I wanted to ask you something. I know you’re not going to like it, but I think it’s important.’
‘If it’s about that crap – sorry, rubbish – Drew was spewing last night, it’s twisted –’
‘I know it is,’ Elena interrupted, ‘I do. You’re more like mother and daughter. But then that’s the problem.’
‘How do you mean?’
‘You’re still in love with Valerie,’ she replied.
Max flinched and jumped up, splashing scalding tea on to her hand. She wiped it off on her trousers then rounded on Elena.
‘You’re out of line.’
‘I understand why you think that,’ Elena said.
‘No, don’t do that,’ she snapped, provoking a wail from Hannah. ‘That’s what she does. Screws me around, makes me think black’s white. Well, it’s not. She cheated on me with that –’
‘Did she?’ Elena cut in.
Max opened her mouth then closed it again.
‘Did she?’ Elena repeated.
‘No,’ Max conceded. ‘I don’t think she did.’
‘And I don’t think she did either. So, sit down and talk to me.’
With Hannah crying and her brain swirling, she couldn’t think of an argument. She nudged the switchboard off and sat down on the sofa again. Hannah reached for her, not relenting until she took her back onto her knee. They sat like that for a few minutes with Max knowing she couldn’t break the silence. It was only a case of how long it took Elena to do it.
‘Amy’s falling apart,’ she said eventually.
Max looked over Hannah’s spurts of hair. ‘I know she’s got a lot going on in her head, but she’s got support.’
‘She’s still only eighteen. Think of what she’s been through in the last few years. First, she loses her dad to cancer. She falls out with her mum, moves in with her grandmother. Then you come along and you give her back this family thing that she’d been missing. I don’t even think she realised how much she was missing it until then.’
‘I wasn’t the one who took it away again,’ Max reminded her.
Elena exhaled. ‘Of course you weren’t. With everything that happened, no one could blame you for walking away. But you haven’t, have you? You’ve kept Amy close –’
‘She needs me,’ Max interrupted.
‘And you need her. She’s a link to Valerie.’
‘That’s not why I offered her the job.’
‘It didn’t hurt, though, did it?’ Elena questioned. ‘What is it? Do you think she’ll bring the two of you back together, is that it?’
Max let out a snort. ‘Come on, you know what Amy’s view on her is. I was hard pressed getting them talking when I was there and Valerie’s blown it completely with her now. You don’t let your daughter find out she’s getting a stepdad from the sodding paper.’
‘I think Valerie was burying her head in the sand,’ Elena said.
‘You hardly know her.’
Elena rubbed her cheek. ‘It sounds to me like she’s frightened, scared of losing control.’
‘Where are you getting all this from?’ Max queried.
‘I’ve pieced it together. You get a lot of thinking done when you’re rocking a baby back and forth at three o’clock in the morning. Were you her first relationship with a woman?’
Max swallowed. ‘That’s private.’
‘Have you asked her?’
‘This isn’t any of your business.’
‘Humour me, go on,’ Elena said and she growled.
‘I was the first, just not the first she’s wanted. Why? What does it matter?’
Elena nodded, as if she’d finished a jigsaw puzzle. ‘She fell in love with you, that’s what was different about the whole thing. Tell me, why don’t you think she cheated on you?’
The image of Valerie kissing Foster flitted back into Max’s head. She’d done her best to forget it over the months, but it was always there, fluttering around the edges. Instead of fighting it away, this time she let it burn through her brain.
‘That kiss at the hospital,’ she said finally. ‘It was more like she was going along with it than anything else. But she could’ve gone along with more than that. How am I to know?’
‘You could always ask her,’ Elena suggested.
‘Yeah, right.’
‘Well, you’d know if she was lying,’ she persisted.
Max dropped a kiss on Hannah’s head. ‘Doesn’t matter either way, does it? She’s sleeping with him now and she’s lied about who she is and what she wants. I’d be a prize idiot to go chasing after that.’
‘You’re only a prize idiot if you let something else get in the way of how you feel,’ Elena replied. ‘If there’s a chance, why not take it? For both yours and Amy’s sakes.’
Chapter 38
It was one thing to be prepared for John Foster arriving, but Amy hadn’t anticipated the sheer level of noise he brought with him into the house. She could hear his voice ricocheting against the walls from her bedroom and she crept across to push the door closed. Her hand halted as she heard him pounding around like a baby elephant and slurring his words.
‘It’s namby-pamby shit. You’re not telling me you agreed with any of it.’
‘I see both sides,’ Valerie answered in a completely sober voice.
‘You barely said anything. I want to know what you think.’
‘I think we voted on it, actually. You saw my vote.’
‘That was you following the pack. You saw which way the wind was blowing, I know your game. Didn’t I teach you it?’
‘John, I listened to the debates, that’s all. Now, don’t you think you should lie down?’
‘There’s an idea . . .’
Amy cringed and made to close the door. She hesitated again when she caught Valerie’s vehement reaction.
‘Not while Amy’s here, I told you that.’
‘She’s asleep! Anyway, she’s a big girl. She can damn well deal with it.’
‘I don’t care, I said no.’
‘Oh, it’s an excuse. There’s always a bloody excuse.’
‘That’s not true. Why don’t you sit down and I’ll make you a coffee?’
‘And you’ll join me.’
‘Of course.’
Amy listened as he lumbered through into the living room then everything went quiet. She chewed on the inside of her cheek as she switched the light off, although she left the d
oor ajar in case things turned nasty. What she’d do if that happened was beyond her. Foster was twice her size – and Valerie’s – and sounded belligerent at best.
It was quiet downstairs for a while. Too quiet. Amy found herself perched on the edge of her bed, straining to hear any minor sound from the lower floor. It reminded her of the vigil on that long night, watching Tim’s chest bubble until the air faded from his lungs. She remembered looking over at Valerie and wondering why she was the only one with dry eyes.
Everything had been silent for so long that Amy was startled when the stairs creaked. Someone was trying to be discreet, so it obviously wasn’t Foster. She held her breath, expecting Valerie to go into her bedroom, but she didn’t. The study door squeaked then the chair groaned as she sat down.
Amy rose and drifted along the landing as quietly as she could. She found Valerie still dressed in one of her grey suits, arms rigid and fists clenched against her temples. Her eyes were screwed shut, giving Amy a moment to watch the pain rolling across her face.
‘Mum?’ she murmured.
Valerie jolted as she opened her eyes. ‘Oh, hello, darling. I didn’t know you were still up.’
After glancing over her shoulder, Amy closed the door. She leaned back against it and crossed her arms.
‘Do you remember when you told me the treatment hadn’t worked?’ she asked.
‘Of course,’ Valerie said slowly.
‘You told me. Not Dad, not Biddy – you. Why?’
‘I – I don’t understand.’
‘Neither did I,’ Amy replied, ‘not at the time. You were so calm about it, so mechanical. You brought me in here, do you remember?’
‘I could hardly forget,’ Valerie answered.
‘No, of course not. Because you were protecting him, weren’t you? Protecting how I’d remember him. He never really talked about the cancer with me. It was always you.’
‘That wasn’t deliberate.’
‘Everything’s deliberate when it comes to you,’ Amy argued. ‘Admit it, you were trying to protect me.’
Valerie leaned back until the chair shrieked. ‘You’re my daughter, I love you.’
‘You see, it never felt much like that. Maybe it was just because you weren’t being honest with me about my dad. Then you started to let me in last year. You were open with me.’
A shiver overtook Valerie then her shoulders crumpled. She pressed a palm against her eyes, but the tears seeped out between her fingers. Amy rounded the desk and knelt beside her.
‘Mum . . .’
‘I’ll be fine. If you just –’
‘No, you won’t. Stop pretending you’re okay. I know you’re hurting, I know why. The only thing I don’t understand is why you’re putting yourself through this. Mum, he’s . . . Well, he’d have to be something pretty special and he’s not. He’s the worst man you could possibly pick. It wouldn’t be as bad if you loved him, but you don’t.’
Valerie’s hand drooped from her face and Amy clasped it between her own. More tears began streaming along Valerie’s cheeks, bringing mascara streaks with them.
‘You love Max,’ Amy said as she held her gaze. ‘Any idiot can see that.’
‘Yes . . .’ Valerie sniffed then shook her head. ‘She doesn’t love me – not anymore. How could she? I behaved abominably.’
Amy sighed. ‘Yeah, you did. You kept her in the dark and you hid her away. You used her friends in a cheap publicity stunt that never even made it to air. God, Mum, you actually let Foster paw at you when you weren’t interested, just so you could get elected. Maybe you’d convinced yourself she’d be there waiting for you when it was all done with. And, you know, I think she might have been if it hadn’t hit her all in one go like that. I don’t blame her for walking away.’
‘Neither do I,’ Valerie whispered. ‘I knew what I was doing, I won’t deny it. I was counting on her being too invested in our little f-family to really react to anything.’
Her voice cracked and she averted her gaze. That slight rebuff was enough to propel Amy across the room. She skirted around the desk and ended up staring at the puckered spines of Tim’s case law collection. It was the only way she could say what she needed to.
‘What you did was cruel and cowardly. You hurt Max, you hurt me. Not that you seemed to care. And I hated you, I hated you for it. I couldn’t understand why you were going along with it all. But are you really going to marry that idiot? I’ve seen you with him, remember. You don’t want him anywhere near you. Do you honestly think that’s going to change? He’s arrogant, he drinks – can you imagine what Dad would say? Not to mention the fact that he treats you like – I mean, have you seen his voting record?’
‘You looked up his voting record?’
Amy twisted back towards her. ‘Of course I did. If he had his way, you wouldn’t even be allowed in the House of Commons. And you know his views on gay rights, don’t you?’
‘Yes,’ Valerie said through gritted teeth.
‘Doesn’t it bother you?’
She briefly closed her eyes. ‘Yes.’
‘Then why, Mum? You can’t stand him, let alone anything else. Talk to me – explain.’
‘I – I can’t –’
‘You can,’ she insisted.
‘Amy –’
‘Remember when I’d just found out about Max and you tracked me down at the café? You were honest with me, really honest, and I felt like we were close. And, at Christmas, you were the same. Just be like that. Tell me the truth.’
Valerie rested her palms flat on the desk. ‘What’s the point of trying, hmm? It’s better to be married to John than to deal with the aftermath of breaking off the engagement.’
‘Is it, though? I don’t claim to like your career, Mum, but you love it. I mean, you really do. You’re good at it – he’s not. He might be a minister now, but I can’t see it lasting. He’s too abrasive, he doesn’t fit in with the new regime. Are you really going to shackle yourself to someone who’ll be lower down the food chain than you in a few years?’
‘Oh, Amy, you make this sound like a master plan. I don’t have one, not anymore.’
Amy studied her for a moment. In front of a packed chamber, she was self-assured and articulate. Whenever she took part in television or radio interviews, she ran rings around political commentators and opposing members alike, barely letting them find solid ground on one point before skewering them on another. This was like another woman, brittle to the touch.
‘Answer me two questions,’ Amy said finally. ‘And be honest with me. I swear, Mum, if you’re not . . .’
Valerie raised her chin. ‘I will, I’ll be honest.’
‘Did you cheat on Max at all?’
‘Not in the – I flirted with him, yes. And, yes, I made him believe that I might want something more, but I never intended to follow through on any of it. That kiss at the hospital was one of about half a dozen, that’s all. I know that doesn’t excuse it, but it wasn’t cheating. At least, I don’t think it was.’
‘I think that’s between you and Max.’ Amy paused and met Valerie’s eye. ‘Were you really going to do it, though? After the election, were you really going to stand up and be publicly in a relationship with Max?’
‘Yes,’ Valerie answered with a limp smile. ‘I knew I’d have to in the end. I told myself I’d just get the election out of the way. I didn’t think we could break.’
‘You never do,’ Amy said.
‘But I can’t fix it, not now. There’s nothing I can do.’
Amy squinted at her. ‘Seriously, Mum? I mean, you fought with the local party to become the candidate, you overturned a majority, you’ve made speeches in front of the rowdiest bunch of arseholes in the country, and you’re telling me there’s nothing you can do to get out of this mess? You’re being a coward. If you’re saying you’re happy here, I’ll shut up and we’re done. But if you’re not . . .’
She allowed the thought to dangle. Valerie pressed the sleeve of her suit t
o her face and watched as it came back smeared with mascara. She stared at it for a moment then cleared her throat – once, twice.
‘I’m not happy,’ she said as she straightened her shoulders. ‘And I’m sick of being a coward.’
The shouting rattled through the house the next morning. Amy stumbled to the top of the stairs and leaned on the banister, keeping one hand steady against the wall.
‘No,’ Foster was saying, ‘you still haven’t told me why.’
‘It’s the twenty-first century, John, I don’t have to explain myself. If you’re still curious in thirty years, you can read my memoirs, although I think you’ll have it figured out by then.’
Amy stifled her laugh as she teased the sleep from her eyes.
‘What does that bloody well mean?’ Foster demanded. ‘When we went to bed –’
‘We didn’t, though, did we? You passed out drunk on the sofa.’
‘Well, you wouldn’t –’
‘No, I wouldn’t, and do you wonder why? I’m sorry, I truly am, but this is over. There’s nothing to be gained by prolonging it, and I’m certainly not leaving it open for debate. Please, just get your things together and go.’
‘I’m staying the weekend!’
‘Not here, you’re not. If you refuse to leave, I’ll call the police and that’ll look good on the front pages of the Sunday tabloids, won’t it? I can keep quiet, John, about all of it. The drink problem, the arrogance, the things you’ve said behind peoples’ backs – that can all be kept strictly between us, as long as you go peacefully. I’ll dribble the news into a press release or something. It’ll just fizzle out and neither of us is to blame. You don’t love me any more than I love you. It’s not an engagement, it’s a transaction. I’m sure you’ve had your fair share of those in the past, but I’ve seen the light and I’m not prepared to be one of them.’
Amy smile grew as she imagined the look on Valerie’s face right now. She only wished she could see the expression on Foster’s.
‘Are you screwing someone else, is that it?’ he queried.
‘No, but I’d like to.’
He sniggered. ‘Whoring your way to the top? You’re all the same. Get out of my way.’