The relief was instant. Tension slid away from his frame, carrying the aches and pains of batter and strain with it. Jacob felt as though he were floating, lifting away from the world and the troubles inhabiting the ledge on which he stood. The weightless euphoria lasted only a second, but in that moment he reveled in the forgetfulness it brought with it. Gravity returned and he found his hands empty at his sides. His eyes fluttered open and he breathed deep the cold morning air, feeling it fill his lungs with a familiar but rare intensity. At his foot lay the little vial, having cut a bottle-shaped hole into the shallow snow as it fell. He bent to pick it up, and felt a blissful lack of soreness in his back at the motion.
“How long have you been on the whiff?”
The start wasn’t as intense as it would have been in another moment, but it caused Jacob to jerk nonetheless. He turned to the source of the voice, and there Pare stood, bundled in his cloak and leaned against the rocks to the side of the cave entrance. Had he been there all along? Jacob couldn’t remember.
“So that’s how you’ve kept so warm,” Pare said.
Jacob just nodded, not sure where the conversation was headed.
“Where do you get it?” Pare asked.
“What do you mean?” Jacob said.
“You know exactly what I mean,” Pare said, his voice low.
Jacob hesitated, looking at the bottle still in his hand. He wiped the wetness of melted snow away from the glass and replaced it in the pouch beneath his cloak. “Around,” he replied.
“Not good enough,” Pare replied. “Where? From me? From Eriane?”
Jacob was offended by the implication. “Never. Never from another,” he said in his defense. “Plants, animals, usually.”
Pare’s lip curled into a sneer. “Manipulating latent khet is one thing. Stealing it from the living and distilling it into a drug…that’s…”
“It’s not full potency.” Jacob replied. “I’m a lot of things, Pare, but I’m not a killer.”
“How do I know you’re telling the truth?” Pare asked.
“I have no reason to lie,” Jacob replied.
Pare was off the rocks and in front of Jacob faster than he could react. The boy leaned in closer than he liked, and he became keenly aware of the edge of the road and the drop at his back. “I thought you were someone who knew better,” Pare said.
“You don’t get to judge me, kid.”
“No, but I do get to distrust you,” Pare spat.
“Look,” Jacob said. “You want to lump me in with Drift-addict waste or some undercity Breather to make yourself feel superior, you go right ahead. But I’m not hurting anyone.”
“If Eriane finds out, she’ll never forgive you.”
A flash of anger heated Jacob’s collar. “Don’t use her to project, Pare. Hiding behind her doesn’t become you.”
“You don’t even know what you’re talking about,” Pare replied. “And you have no idea how much it would hurt her—or the wrath you’d bring upon yourself—if she found out.”
He looked down for a breath and then back at Pare, leaning in even closer. “Then she needn’t know.”
The wind picked up and whistled through the canyon, and carried with it the sound of metal footsteps. Pare blinked, inhaled, then turned away, stalking into the cave just as Samuel rounded the corner, coming down the road from the direction they had come the night before. Jacob shook his head and exhaled, allowing himself to breathe again.
“What was that all about?” Samuel asked as he approached.
“Nothing. It’s…nothing,” Jacob said.
Samuel paused and stayed quiet. Jacob shifted as Samuel looked on, so much like a person waiting for the inevitable continuation after an obvious put-off. It really was a marvel how alive the construct seemed sometimes, the feelings he could invoke with mannerisms that just never felt affected. Maybe that’s why they all stuck with him, taking risks in his name and trying to protect him from those that would cause him harm. It was that connection that made Jacob uncomfortable now.
“Where have you been?” Jacob asked.
Big Sister broke over the peaks at the end of the canyon as Samuel turned to look across the gap. “Just…I couldn’t sit in there all night without knowing we weren’t being followed. I backtracked and made sure our…friends hadn’t crossed the gap.”
Jacob shook his head. “Well, thank you,” he said, “but that was really stupid. What if they’d still been there?”
Samuel didn’t turn, but just kept staring into the drop as sunlight painted the rockfaces orange. “They weren’t.” A pause. “Is there another way around?”
Jacob had been absentmindedly probing the newly stitched cut at his hairline. He stopped and ran his fingers through his hair, pausing to scratch the back of his head. “I honestly don’t know. I’ve never been to Kelef,” he said, wiping his hand on his trouser leg. “But I can’t imagine this is the only road.”
“That’s not very reassuring,” Samuel said.
“I don’t know what you want me to say,” Jacob said. “We’re trudging through a narrow mountain pass in the winter snow, running from a pair of psychopaths who have now tried to kill us twice for unknown reasons, to see some mysterious prophet in a secluded city on the thin hope they’ll be able to help us understand why you, my friend, are so important.” He took a deep breath of cool morning air. “And right now, my only hope is that I can have a bath when we get there.”
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
* * *
Samuel followed Jacob back into the cave where they had camped. Pare and Eriane huddled close, talking in low tones near where she had slept. There was a hitch in Jacob’s step when Pare looked up from the conversation. Pare had been distrustful of Jacob from the start, but this tension was new, and something about it unsettled Samuel.
Jacob moved off to the other side of the small cave to look after his things. “How much farther do we have?” Samuel asked.
“If the mild weather holds,” Pare replied. “Only a few days. From what I know, there are even some rest points along the way that the people of Kelef built into the trail for travelers.”
“Barring any more entanglements,” Jacob said, “it should be easier going, then?”
Pare didn’t reply, instead turning back to cinch up the straps on his pack. “Yeah, hopefully,” Eriane interjected, directing a furrowed brow toward Pare.
“What’s this Kelef place like?” Samuel said, hoping to distract everyone from this newfound animosity. The last thing they needed was for any acrimony to crop up when they were so close to their goal.
Eriane shook her head. “We don’t really know,” she said. “Mane showed us…Pare and I have seen pictures in some old texts, and we’ve heard stories from people in Morrelton.” Her face brightened. “A whole city carved into the mountain, surrounding the end of a steep valley, with a waterfall in the middle. It’s supposed to be very beautiful.” Her description had become wistful. “I’ve wanted to see it ever since I was little.”
“Well, then,” Pare said, wincing as he pulled on his pack. “Let’s get a move on so you can.”
Eriane jumped to her feet but grimaced through her smile. She took a deep breath and held her grin as she pulled together her own things and approached Samuel. “Only a few more days,” she said. “A few more days and we’ll know everything. You’ll finally know who you are.”
Her optimism was infectious. The last several days had been trying, even without a real frame of reference for the experiences. He could only imagine what these kinds of upheavals meant to the other three, whose entire lives had been upended. For Samuel, the chase was all he knew, but for them… And even through all those thoughts, Eriane’s smile still made him believe his quest to find out who and what he was could almost be at its end. Then what? The question still nagged at him, but he pushed it aside and chose instead to revel in Eriane’s enthusiasm.
Eriane crossed over to Jacob, who was just situating the last of his things u
nderneath his cloak. “Jacob?” she said. He looked up and visibly stiffened, as if preparing for another of the previous night’s tirades.
“Yeah?” he said.
For a moment Eriane looked as though she were formulating a response, but instead she stepped close and hugged him. Caught off guard, Jacob’s hands hovered for a moment before coming to rest around her shoulders.
“Thank you,” Eriane said.
A look of genuine confusion crossed Jacob’s face. “For what?” he asked.
“For everything,” Eriane said.
Samuel thought, for an instant, he saw a flash of emotion sweep across Jacob’s face, but it was gone just as fast, steeled away behind a mask built of indifference. “Eri, I didn’t…you don’t need to thank me.”
Eriane pulled her face away to look up at him. “Of course I do. If you hadn’t come to the cabin, we’d have been ambushed. If you hadn’t been up on that ledge, we’d have been overrun by those men. And if you hadn’t been there afterward, Samuel wouldn’t be with us right now. We all owe you, Jacob. Thank you.”
Samuel heard a sharp intake of breath, and saw Pare headed outside. “Come on. Let’s get going,” he said, stalking out into the bright morning.
Jacob tapped Eriane’s shoulder and gestured toward the entrance. “He’s right. Let’s get on the road.” Eriane nodded and moved toward the door, smiling at Samuel as she passed by.
Samuel tilted his head toward Jacob, hoping for some sort of acknowledgement, but received nothing in return as he passed.
• • • • •
Compared to the last several days, travel along the new road was easy. Their view of the rugged cut in the mountains through which they traveled was frequently breathtaking. Samuel had taken the lead like before, in case the snow picked up, but at some point Jacob had separated himself from the others and moved ahead of Samuel, pulling into his cloak and trudging forward without a word. Behind him, Pare and Eriane’s conversation began in serious tones but lightened as the day went on. They quipped and joked, much like siblings would, and Eriane’s laughter echoed off of the cliffs around them. As they talked, they dropped back, and Samuel took the opportunity to approach Jacob.
“What was that back there, in the cave?” he asked.
“What are you talking about?” Jacob said.
“With Eriane. She was thanking you for saving my life. For saving hers—all of us. And you brushed her off.”
“Samuel, I…”—A pause—“I don’t know what I’m supposed to say to that. I’m no hero.”
Samuel put a hand on Jacob’s shoulder. “If you hadn’t risked your life, I’d be a pile of scrap at the bottom of a canyon right now.”
Jacob whipped his head around, a flash of anger on his face. “And where would we all be if I simply hadn’t followed you in the first place?” Jacob pushed Samuel’s hand away. “You’d all be better off if you’d never met me.”
“What are you talking about?” Samuel asked.
“Think about it for about half a second, Samuel,” Jacob spat through gritted teeth, keeping his voice down so Pare and Eri couldn’t hear. “I took you to Atherton’s shop. The only reason why any of this happened to any of these people is because of my interference. Michael…Atherton…Mane… I mean, even Cort and his men. All on me.” He turned his angry gaze back on Samuel again. “All that? It’s all on me.”
“You were pretty quick to dump a lot of that on my shoulders back in Morrelton.” Samuel said.
Jacob’s eyes narrowed and he shook his head. “Yeah… Well, it’s hard to maintain denial when that girl,” he nodded toward Eriane, “looks you in the face with reverence in her eyes. Reverence I don’t deserve.”
Samuel felt his own anger rising. “You’re forgetting one crucial point, Jacob.”
“And what’s that?”
“Those two…psychopaths? They’re following me.” Samuel tapped his own chest a little harder than he’d intended, resulting in a loud clang. “Not you. Not them. Me. So any claim you think you have to this guilt is tenuous, at best.”
“Exactly, Samuel. They’re following you. And I’m the one who brought you into all of these people’s lives.”
“So, what are you saying then?” Samuel shot back. “You’d rather have left me with Taeman? To be collected and scrapped by the same people who are following me now?”
Jacob’s eyes narrowed and he stopped, Samuel stopping behind him. “Maybe that is what I’m saying.” He turned and stalked up the trail, leaving Samuel standing in the light snow, reeling as though he’d been struck.
“Oh, thanks,” he shot after Jacob as he walked away.
“What was that all about?” It was Eriane, who’d caught up and now stood beside Samuel in the trail.
“It’s nothing,” Samuel said, shaking his head.
“Well then, what are you standing here for?” Pare said as he brushed past.
Jacob’s words ricocheted around in Samuel’s mind like a fired bullet. It was bad enough to have to have his own reservations about his presence in these people’s lives. To have that thought voiced by another drove the pain home in a way Samuel didn’t know was possible. He hadn’t even noticed Eriane take his arm in hers.
“Are you all right?” she asked.
“No, not really,” Samuel said, unable even to sugar coat how he felt in the moment.
“Me either,” Eriane said. The statement shook Samuel out of his stupor. He looked down at her, and realized how tired she looked, and how that look of wear seemed so foreign on a face so young.
“What do you expect, Samuel?” Eriane continued. “After the last few days? None of us are okay.” She let go of his arm and took a few steps forward, then turned around in the trail to face him. Her mouth was curled into a small smile that belied the exhaustion in her eyes. “But that doesn’t mean we won’t be.”
And through all that, she’d done it again. She’d driven that little stake of optimism through the heart of all the anger, guilt, and doubt, and broken through his fear just enough for him to pick up his feet once more and be on his way.
• • • • •
Early that night they happened upon one of the prepared campsites. The space was level and open, the end of a small dry gully that intersected the trail and contained enough soil for a few alpine firs to grow. The high sides of the enclosure protected them from the mountain winds, and the trees would be enough cover to keep them out of the snow. The fresh smell alone was enough for Jacob to consider it an improvement over a damp, musty cave.
At the center of the space slabs of flat rock ringed a firepit. Several large tree rounds, cut and sanded into makeshift stools and coated in some sort of protective resin to prevent rot, surrounded the pit. They had been here for quite some time, and appeared well-used. Soil and a blanket of fir needles covered the ground outside the ring, a heavenly mattress compared to a hard stone floor. A small stack of firewood sat near the base of a fir tree not too far away.
“I’ll build a fire,” Pare said, dropping his pack and a few other belongings off to the side. Jacob and Eriane had done the same, and Jacob was already situating his things for sleep.
“I’m gonna take a look around,” Eriane said. Her tone caught them all off guard. She pulled her cloak close and walked out of the campsite to the rear, into the gully. Both Samuel and Pare stopped what they were doing. Pare started to get up, but Jacob stood and motioned for them to continue setting up camp and, with a nod, walked after her.
It took a few minutes to catch up to her; it seemed as though she’d picked up her pace after the edge of the campsite. She stopped ahead as Jacob approached and turned. “Look, Jacob,” she said, “I just want to be alone for a few, okay?”
Jacob furrowed his brow. “What’s going on?”
“I don’t really want to talk about it.”
After Eriane’s outburst the night before, Jacob was glad she didn’t immediately start tearing into him. He hoped that also meant Pare had kept his secret sa
fe, at least so far. Still, he felt like he was treading unsteady ground. “It’s…” he paused, not sure how to proceed. “Are you upset with the situation, or with one of us? Me?”
“No, it’s not any of you,” Eriane said. “It’s just… I don’t know.”
“Hey, I know you might not want to talk, and that’s fine,” Jacob said. “But maybe you need to, whether you want to or not.”
She closed her eyes for a moment and took a frustrated breath, then found a place to sit. She leaned forward with her hands steepled in front of her face, but didn’t speak. Jacob took a seat beside her and leaned forward with his elbows on his knees.
“We’ve all been through the grinder.” Jacob said. “And no one’s going to blame you if you need a shoulder.”
“That’s not it, Jacob,” she said, not looking at him. “I haven’t had…don’t have…time to worry about feeling sorry for myself. I’m just…”
This time, Jacob waited, fully expecting her to launch into him about what Pare had told her. He wasn’t sure where the conversation was going yet, and he braced himself for the worst. It took a moment for her to continue, but she did so without prompting.
“Does it make me a terrible person to be angry at Samuel?”
Jacob could not have been more relieved. Was that all that was bothering her? He smiled. “Eri, there isn’t a person in your situation who wouldn’t harbor at least a little bit of anger or resentment. Of course it doesn’t make you a terrible person.”
She exhaled and turned back to her steepled hands, her expression unchanged.
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