Poetry Collection Three: Interpersonal Transgressions

by Ashley Rebecca Kingston

I thought I could seduce you in my bed

  I thought we would be creating a life together

  I thought I’d be with you until my death

  I had plans to marry him

  I had plans to make love to him

  I had everything I am in him

  One Night

  June.07.2002

  you were my one night stand

  making love hand in hand

  just that one night of passion

  you were my dream come true

  talking with me until day break

  and just listening to me speak

  you were my lover by night

  with no fights in the day light

  and no lives of children to hurt

  you were my temptation

  in everything I needed to do

  and I think I might love you

  you were my true friend

  my only and very first man

  just my lover in everything

  you were my one night stand

  making love hand in hand

  just that one night of passion

  you were my temptation

  in everything I need to do

  and I know that I love you

  Not Yet

  June.10.2002

  I haven’t seen, this guy that I need to see

  I haven’t heard, this man’s voice inside of me

  I haven’t felt, this man’s touch on my skin

  I haven’t been able, to let myself be with him

  No we haven’t even met

  No I haven’t found you yet

  But soon my life will change

  If I ever fall in love again

  I haven’t seen, this guy that I need to see

  I haven’t heard, this man’s voice inside of me

  I haven’t felt, this man’s touch on my skin

  I haven’t been able, to let myself be with him

  His Is Mine

  June.14.2002

  I can’t believe what I held in my hands

  I now know that his body is mine

  I know that he wants to have me

  But what is this that is keeping him back

  He must be afraid I will reject him

  That I would forget, laugh at, or desert him

  He must be just totally crazy

  Or has forgotten who I really am

  I have said that I loved him forever

  And I never lie but we both need to live

  He must be afraid I’ll reject him

  I have said that I’ll love him forever

  And I never lie but we both need to live

  But He Held Me

  June.14.2002

  I can’t believe he held me

  Like he never wanted to let go

  I can’t believe he held my hand

  And ran his finger up my arm

  I can’t believe what we spoke about

  I can’t believe I was totally honest and open

  And I can’t believe with nothing more than my words

  I turned him on to the idea, of possibly being with me again

  I can’t believe that he didn’t even call me

  After we spoke so freely, he is still with her

  I can’t believe that I think I love such a man

  That cannot seem to even love me back

  I can’t believe that I could fall for such tricks

  When there is nothing of me that he really even wants

  I can’t believe he held me

  Like he never wanted to let go

  And I can’t believe that I keep falling

  Back in love with this unworthy man

  All Set

  June.15.2002

  my hair is all done up, i am so dressed to kill

  but i’m wasting my time, waiting at my window sill

  he had said to me, that he’d be here

  that he was my man, and i was his woman

  but i still always wait, ready to be his

  waiting in vain, going totally insane

  when he’ll never change, he’ll always be the same

  i got all ready, but with nothing to show

  i keep wasting my time, waiting to finally say no

  No Just Kiss And Run

  July.10.2002

  The other night I actually kissed this one guy

  A kiss means more to me, but I couldn’t stop myself

  I still can’t believe I could break my own stupid code

  I told myself I never wanted another guy to even touch me

  But he held me so close and caressed my back

  Such soft hands and arms so very close to mine

  Such beautifully sexy perfectly soft lips

  So perfect was this kiss

  I admit I know I needed this all to be

  And I know that nothing of this was wrong

  Except I need more than just a kiss and run

  How in the hell dare he do this to me

  How could he think he was even allowed

  How could he give me a fake number

  Was it just a blank because he was so drunk

  Or did I even really mean anything at all

  I want to scream and hit him so badly

  And I will find him and do so perhaps one day

  I won’t ever forget how this all played out

  I just wish I wasn’t so needy and wanting him so

  Why do I think I am just a little to dramatic

  I should have been the player not the one being played

  But he probably just thought it was a kiss

  Be he should have known me better than that

  I’ll never forget the unexplainable sound he made

  As he let go of me after our embrace

  I asked him if I was a good or bad kisser

  All that he could manage to say was eh

  I hope he was lying through his teeth

  And I hope the fake number was a mistake

  He gave me a number

  A fake and I should have known

  But he touched me that way

  He kissed me then left

  But it means more to me

  As he forgets I exist

  I want to hurt him so badly

  And I will find him to do more than kiss

  To Need

  July.26.2002

  To feel his warm hands on my body

  To feel him pressed against me

  To need him so near I can hold onto

  I’d love to make him mine

  I can imagine him by my side

  You are all I can see

  You are in all that I need

  You are everything to me

  I can imagine how I would move

  How you would sound under my groove

  I can assume how things would go

  And how our love would grow

  To feel his warm hands, gliding, sliding, caressing the smooth skin on my body

  To feel him hard and hot to the touch pressed against me, entering, being deep inside

  To need him, want him, more than anything I’ve ever needed or wanted before

  In our need, I’d love to make him mine, I’d love for him to make me his

  A Chance

  July.29.2002

  Just take another chance with me, I know you won’t regret it

  Just think of me one more time, you know I’d never hurt you

  Just try to remember my soul, and see how much I’ve changed

  Just try and look at me now, I’ve always been the same

  So let’s go out tonight, out on a real live date

  I’ve never been on a real date, with you

  I am free this evening, so let’s go out right now

  Call me soon baby, because we are meant to be

  I can say all I want, to try to not fall in love with you

  And how I have been hurt, and how I just don’t trust

  But I know you don’t need to care, all you need is me

  Bu
t I just need to say, I want to hear you swear my name

  Just take another chance with me, I know you won’t regret it

  Just think of me one more time, you know I’d never hurt you

  Just try to remember my soul, and see how much I’ve changed

  Just try and look at me now, I’ve always been the same

  Dear Past Love

  August.03.2002

  I hear about you here and there,

  from the usual sources,

  from people everywhere,

  from our poor mutual friends,

  from people that you want more than me

  I haven’t forgotten about you

  and you know I never ever will

  and I’d never put you down

  or desert you or harm you

  I’d never do anything wrong by you

  because you know that I love you

  I do miss you love

  I just need to say

  That I need you

  And want you to stay

  As my best friend

  As my lover in bed

  As everything to me

  I dearly do miss you

  And I still want you back

  I’d still take you back

  Without any doubts

  I really do miss you

  And I’d never turn you down

  I am still too in love with you

  I do really truly love you

  I love you with all my heart

  Without any doubts

  And I’d do anything

  To have you in my life again

  As anything if you loved me

  I hate being ignored

  I can’t stand you not missing me

  How can you live without me?

  While you once said you never could

  When you once said you’d never leave

  When you once told me you loved me

  Forever and always

  I will always love you my love

  More And More

  August.10.2002

  no matter what I do,

  or whoever I see.

  I just keep thinking,

  and talking about him.

  no matter how much time,

  or experience, or life passes.

  I just keep wanting him,

  more and more….. and more.

  this is driving me crazy,

  how everything for me is him.

  I really can’t seem to get over,

  or move on from him.

  but I guess I’ll keep on trying,

  with some might I guess.

  we’ll see how things go,

  I have doubts that my heart will heal.

  One

  August.22.2002

  Everything went from wrong to right

  The second I laid eyes upon you

  You are the only one for me

  I just know that we were meant to be

  I just wish you felt the same way…

  Everything went from wrong to right

  With every little thing in my life

  Being with you I found my way

  Through all the hell that is my life

  I sometimes wish I was your wife…

  Everything went from wrong to right

  The very second I laid eyes upon you

  I think you are the only one

  I think that we were meant to be

  I just wish you felt the same way about me…

  X Thing

  August.25.2002

  I am that ex-girlfriend…

  who was dumped by him.

  that ex-woman, that ex-lover, that ex-woman,

  … who never fell out of love with him.

  and yes I know he might hate me now,

  he might despise my efforts in not just disappearing,

  be annoyed by my presence and existence at all.

  but it’s not all my fault,

  he told me he loved me, that he really truly loved me,

  and I honestly believed every word that he said.

  so I’m sorry, to her, and to him, but I’m still in love,

  even against the odds, the stupidity of it all,

  … and yes I know he doesn’t feel the same, any more.

  I wonder why we can’t just be friends,

  I wonder, why he can’t still love me, at all, in any way,

  and I wonder, why he has to be with her,

  what’s so damn great about her…

  I’ll say I am sorry to that bitch

  but all I ever wanted was to be with him.

  I never ever wanted to hurt any one,

  but she must know she is a bitch

  I am that ex-girlfriend…

  another notch on his belt, another game that was played,

  another woman that has to mend after a broken heart.

  but it’s not all my fault,

  he told me that he loved me, we made plans together.

  I am that ex girlfriend…

  who was dumped by him,

  but whether I love him or not,

  he is still with her right now,

  and I am just his ex-girlfriend…

  Just My Friend

  August.27.2002

  He is just a friend to me

  I don’t see him in that way

  But he wants me in that way

  Sometimes I don’t know what to say

  Because friends is all I see in him

  But he always jokes like we are more

  I just need him as a friend

  But I know he needs more from me

  But that is all I need to be right now

  I am everyone else’s friend

  To talk and to hang around with

  I am always nothing more

  I’ll hide before I open up

  I’ll try to be alone before I say more

  But my problems aren’t right now

  They are all hiding in the past

  And I’ll not speak of them

  Even to my friends

  Because I know no one wants to listen

  They just want to talk about themselves

  I am not what is in the light

  What is in the light is him

  And I don’t want to settle for less

  He is great but not in that way for me

  Because he is just my friend

  Stupid List

  September.08.2002

  it makes me sick to my stomach, to be on that list

  on his big fat dirty list, of used and rejected lovers

  to know i wasted, any moment of my time

  to know i just wasted, parts of my life waiting

  i never wanted, to be his ex-girlfriend

  i never thought, he’d just up and leave me

  i never wanted, anything but his love

  i never wanted, to have these parts in my story

  i hate to know, that i was used by him

  in so many ways, i was just thrown away

  and i hate myself, that i just can’t forget

  it just makes me sick, to be on that list

  No Cares

  September.12.2002

  i am in love….. and you don’t care

  so i don’t know what to do

  … when you come calling

  and i can’t turn you down

  i guess i just have to be hurt

  all over and over again

  i guess i’ll just never learn

  because i am in love with you

  and you don’t really care

  because you don’t love me back

  so i still don’t know what to do

  You'll Come Back To Me

  September.20.2002

  You'll come - falling back to me

  Just like I knew - you should

  You'll come - falling back to me

  Just like I knew - you would

  You're the star - I’ve always seen

  You were - my every thing

&n
bsp; You're the place - I loved to be

  You are everything - to me

  You'll find out the truth - some day

  Just like I've been - waiting for

  You'll find yourself - some day

  Just like I've been - hoping for

  You're the one - who likes to run

  Into places I don't want - to go

  You're the one - who doesn't love me

  In the kind of way - I had hoped for

  But you'll still some day - find out

  The things - you already knew

  But you'll find things out - again

  That you'd come - running back to me

  He’s Single Again

  September.22.2002

  He’s single again, broken apart

  Without that bitch, I want him even more

  He left her, I think it was today

  He didn’t tell me, I just found out through friends

  So should I do something, or just sit back and wait…

  I didn’t expect this, but it happened inevitably

  So I pleasured him one night, and he didn’t call

  I’ll just pretend that didn’t happen, I’ll just pretend I don’t care

  I’ll be like him, and just keep things cool

  I’ll be like him, and be an asshole

  I am still single, and in a place of my own

  Now he is single too, but for how much longer

  He is very weak, as you can tell

  A stupid little boy, who will fall for any woman he thinks is pretty, or giving

  What pisses me off, is he’d even use me

  I guess I am the player, because I used him too

  No Beliefs Anymore

  September.26.2002

  To only find that real true love

  I fear I believe in no more

  To be with someone forever

  I think I am just too scared