Vanessa was finally beginning to think that Mark’s campaign of terror had run its course. He was happy with Maggie, or so she assumed. She’s heard that they had recently had a baby together. Vanessa hadn’t even known she was pregnant but wished her well. After the night that Maggie had turned up at the door, they were closer to mending bridges but they still weren’t friends. Vanessa hoped that one day they could bury the past, but she thought that was up to Maggie to decide if and when. Their baby’s name was Charlotte, after Maggie’s grandmother, with whom she was very close too. Maggie’s mom was a widower who had never got over the death of her husband, so her grandmother had moved into their home to help care for Maggie, who was just eight at the time. She didn’t remember her dad very much and it bothered her. Her mom had put away all the photos of her dad, furthering Maggie’s fuzzy memories of him.
Baby Charlotte was nearly three months old now and Vanessa thought that she should make the effort to go over to Maggie’s and take a peace offering, congratulating her on the baby, but she’d have to pick a time when she knew that Mark was at work. The gossip was that Maggie wasn’t coping too well, and Vanessa promised herself that she would visit in the next few days. Depression after a baby was far too common, but if Vanessa could help, she would. She had suffered from it too, although she had so much else going on at the time.
A couple of days later, Vanessa’s cellphone vibrated in her pocket as she left work, giving final instructions to Leanne. Running the café had been her salvation and she couldn’t thank Toby enough for taking a chance on a woman that had never had a job, ever. Except being a mother, that is. That came with its own set of challenges, which Vanessa thought made her a stronger candidate for the job, even though Toby had decided to hire her on the spot, regardless. Independence suited her. She could provide for her family, finally. She had great kids, a job she loved, and she had never been so happy.
‘Hi, Mom. Good timing, I just left work.’ Her mind was still buzzing with her happy thoughts.
It had been a while since Vanessa had had a long conversation with her mom, it was usually hurried as she picked up the boys and took them home ready for tea and a bath. Actually, when she thought about it, Vanessa hadn’t sat down and spoken to her mom for a good few weeks so when she called, she was happy to hear from her. ‘Hi, Ness. Do you have time to pop round before you go and get Ty?’ Vanessa pulled her phone away from her ear and checked the time – she had five hours before she picked up Ty. Once a week she gave her mom a day off and left him with one of the girls from work, Lucy, who was a single mom, needing extra money. It was working well for all of them and Ty most of all. He was such a happy, well-adjusted little boy. Luckily, he didn’t know Mark nor remember anything about that period. She just wished that Wren could have the same blank slate – and her for that matter too.
‘Sure, Mom, be there in about ten minutes.’ Putting the phone down, Vanessa thought that her mother had sounded a bit… funny. Frazzled, maybe. Vanessa wondered what could be so important that it couldn’t wait until tomorrow when she dropped Ty off before work. A knot of worry began to grow in her stomach. What could it be? She wondered if maybe she’d done something to offend her mom and that’s what she wanted to talk to her about, but it was no good guessing.
‘Mom?’ she called as she used her key to unlock the front door.
‘In the lounge, honey.’
She walked into the lounge and saw her mom sitting on one end of the couch, her dad on the other. She frowned. ‘What’s he doing here?’ Vanessa asked, striving and failing for neutrality.
Her mom sighed as if she’d rather be having any other conversation. ‘I invited him.’
‘So what, he’s back in your life now, just like that?’
‘It’s not like that, Ness, and even if it was, it’s none of your business.’
Vanessa was taken aback by her mom’s stinging words but had none of her own with which to retort.
‘I’m sorry, honey, it’s just, I’m going through something and your dad has been helping me through it. Actually, he’s been a huge help and support to me, but now it’s got to the point where I need to tell you.’
‘Tell me what?’ she whispered, her heart hammering in her chest. ‘Mom, you’re scaring me.’
Her mom looked at her dad, who covered her hand with his own. That gesture alone filled her with fear. ‘Mom?’
‘I… I… have breast cancer. Stage four. They’ve given me six months.’ She stopped talking, giving Vanessa a minute to process the information her mother had just dropped on her like a ton of bricks. Her mom had breast cancer? How, when did this happen? Her eyes filled with tears that sped down her cheeks, coating them in glistening droplets in a matter of seconds.
‘Six months till what?’
Her mom sighed. ‘To live.’
Vanessa was stunned into silence for a long time. ‘How long have you known?’ she finally asked, her tearful eyes meeting her mom’s calm and accepting ones.
‘Two months.’
‘Oh, Mom, isn’t there anything they can do for you?’ She hiccupped back her tears, covering her mouth.
‘No, they caught it too late and I’m not spending what little time I have left in a hospital being poked and prodded. I’d rather be at home with my family.’
‘Mom! You’ve been looking after the boys this whole time!’ she said in dismay. ‘Why didn’t you tell me earlier? I would have found someone else to take them.’
‘That’s exactly what I didn’t want. I want to spend as much time with my family as I possibly can. Your dad is moving back into the house to care for me until…’
Vanessa launched herself from the chair, kneeled down on the floor in front of her mom and gently hugged her. She could feel her bones through her top. How could she not of noticed this before? She hugged her mom every time she picked up the boys. She hadn’t noticed because she was too busy. The realization hit her quickly and made her cry out.
‘It’s OK, honey, let it out. I did. It took me weeks to come to grips with this. With dying.’
Vanessa couldn’t believe they were even talking about this, let alone that it was actually going to happen. She stood up and looked down at her dad. His eyes were glistening with unshed tears. ‘Daddy,’ she said. He stood and stretched out his arms so Vanessa could step into them. He wrapped his strong and familiar arms around her. Oh, how she’d missed this. He looked as distraught as she felt and she realized that he’d aged too, no doubt since his wife’s diagnosis. Her mom was her best friend, besides Wren. What was she, her daughter, going to do without her? What was her husband of thirty-odd years going to do? He must be so lost, but he hid it well. For her mom’s benefit, no doubt.
Her mom, Claire Elliott, died nearly six months later to the day, on a Thursday, at home, surrounded by those she loved and cared for the most. She slipped away peacefully in the bed that she shared with her husband Alex while holding onto her husband’s and Vanessa’s hands. Wren was crying, Ty looked confused and even Billy, stoic Billy, had tears in his eyes. Vanessa shed many tears that day. Every time she thought of a memory, surrounded by her things, she thought of her mom. She was in or the cause of so many of the good things in Vanessa’s life. She had whispered, ‘I love you’ before she had passed, for she did love each and every one of them and they all knew it. Vanessa had smoothed back her hair, kissing her mother’s forehead. ‘I love you too, Mom.’ She had embraced her dad, the ferocity of his hug telling her how much he was hurting.
Vanessa didn’t know what to do with herself, so she rearranged the flowers on the front hall table for what felt like the hundredth time.
‘Ness,’ said her dad, nearly making her jump through the roof with stress. ‘Come and sit down, the flowers are perfect – she would have loved them.’ He led her to a vacant seat.
Six short months ago her mom had been alive, now she was lying in a mahogany box at some funeral home waiting to be cremated. One night when she couldn’t sleep, Vanessa ha
d researched cremation. After they’d been cremated, the thigh bones often didn’t burn through completely, so they smashed them up with what amounted to a hammer of sorts. Surely that was a fake website and they really didn’t do that? After that disturbing discovery, she had closed the browser and deleted her history lest one of the boys opened her laptop and looked at what she was searching for.
The front door opened, and Vanessa was up like a shot, a dazed look in her eyes, yet ready to play host as her mom would have wanted. It was Billy, with a bunch of roses, and she dropped back into her chair, suddenly exhausted before the wake had even begun. Billy came over to her.
Vanessa and Billy’s connection had been deepening for a long time now but since her mom had passed, Vanessa was beginning to see Billy. Really see him. ‘How are you holding up?’ he asked. She knew that he was worried about her, about the boys who had lost someone so close to them, someone that they spent time with just about every day. Wren and Ty came into the room, a faraway look in Wren’s eyes. He was going to miss his nannie just as much as Vanessa was. She wanted to hold them, both of them, take their hands, comfort them and tell them that everything was going to be OK. But she couldn’t move. She was stuck in one place, staring in the direction of her children. When Vanessa didn’t get up to comfort her children, Billy did, wrapping his arms around Wren first, kissing him on the forehead then doing the same to Ty. He threw Vanessa a look, but she was helpless to go to them.
There was a knock at the door, and she jumped up so fast that she felt dizzy. ‘Steady on there, Vanessa,’ her dad cautioned. She smoothed her hair down and went to answer. She took a deep, steadying breath before opening the door.
Her mom had lived in the town her whole life, so many people had attended her funeral and were soon crowding into the house and backyard, eating food and sharing stories. Vanessa looked at the trestle tables laden down with food and wondered if she had organized enough to go around. Her mom would never forgive her if people went hungry. Never have forgiven her. She stifled back a sob, then felt a hand on her arm.
‘Ness, have you eaten yet?’ asked Billy. She shook her head slowly and he fixed her a plate of two sandwiches and a small cup of lemonade. He guided her toward an empty chair, then watched over her as she nibbled on the corner of a sandwich.
In the corner of the room, she noticed Ty sitting alone. His eyes were red-rimmed and he was clutching a tissue tightly in his little hand. She handed Billy her plate and drink, gave him a small kiss on the cheek, then walked over to her youngest son. She squatted down in front of him and gripped the hand that wasn’t holding the tissue.
‘You alright, my darling?’
He shook his head. He was too young to know the pain of death and he had loved his nannie, being with her nearly every day since Vanessa had gone back to work.
‘Come here, poppet,’ she said as she wrapped her arms around Ty, drawing him closer for a hug. In her arms, he broke down, his small body quivering, his tears soaking into her top. ‘It’s going to be OK, Ty. I love you. Poppa, Wren and Billy love you too, but you know what?’ He looked up at her. ‘You’re going to have to help me take care of Poppa. He’s extra sad. Do you think you can do that?’
‘Yes, Mommy,’ he whispered. He pulled out of her hug and went over to his poppy, who was talking to another neighbor. Vanessa watched as Ty hugged her dad. He stopped talking and bent down, hugging Ty tightly in his arms. Vanessa felt her eyes well up, threatening to spill tears down her face. She was trying so hard to stay strong for her family. If she fell apart, well… she didn’t know what would happen.
The wake was mercifully short. Vanessa couldn’t handle much more of the hugging and the platitudes, the compliments about her mom and people telling her she was in a better place. No, her place was here, with her family. Slowly the guests left, hugging everyone, right down to Ty who was no longer clutching his tissue. He was being so brave, Vanessa’s heart went out to him. When the last of them had gone, Wren came up to Vanessa and slung his arms around her. ‘How are you, Mom?’
The strain of the day finally caught up with her, and that simple question was her undoing.
She began to cry, not small sobs but an anguished cry that wracked her body with shudders. If Wren hadn’t been holding her tightly to him she would have slipped to the floor. ‘Mom!’ She felt the world tilt wildly, saw Billy come striding over as he and Wren helped her into the bedroom, forcing her to lie down.
A while later there was a knock at the door.
‘Mom? Can I come in?’ Wren asked. She nodded, then realized that he couldn’t see her nod. ‘Come in,’ she said weakly. Wren walked in and sat gingerly on the edge of the bed.
‘Billy sent me in to ask you if you felt up to going home. He thinks you’d be more comfortable in your own bed.’
Vanessa sat up and looked around her. She was in her parents’ room. She touched the bedspread on the other side, her mom’s side. She began to cry softly.
‘I’m going to miss her too, Mom.’ He moved closer. ‘What shall I tell Billy?’
‘Tell him I’ll be out in a minute.’
Once Wren had left the room, she took another moment in her mom’s room then slowly stood up, aware that she had fainted. She walked out into the lounge. Billy was holding hands with Ty, wiping the tears from his small face.
‘Ness, you OK?’ Concern was written all over his face, his brows knitted, his lips smashed together.
‘I’m OK.’ She turned to her dad. ‘Are you OK, Dad?’
He choked back his tears as he nodded. ‘I just want to be alone now. Stressful day.’
‘Sure thing, Dad, call if you need anything. I mean it.’ She kissed him goodbye, followed by a handshake and a touch on the shoulder from Billy, and a hug from the boys. She grabbed Ty’s hand and walked out the door, never wanting to see that house again.
10
It took some months for Vanessa to be able to think about her mom without breaking down entirely. She now understood that she should be thinking about her mother’s life and the things she did, rather than her death, which was painful and distressing. She chose to block that part out, focus on her life. She missed her. The boys, now twelve and two and a half, were suffering in their grief, just the same as she was, but Vanessa didn’t know how to handle their emotions, let alone process her own.
Since her mom had passed, Billy had spent every night over at her house, making sure she took care of herself and the kids. During the couple of weeks where her grief was at its strongest, he’d realized that she wasn’t taking care of herself and she was forgetting about her kids, which was out of character for her.
She cared deeply for him but he’d taken a hard stance with her. ‘Vanessa,’ he’d said sternly, arms crossed over his chest as he stood at the end of the bed. ‘I know you miss your mom, but the boys need you, especially Ty. He doesn’t understand what’s going on.’
‘Can’t you just tell him?’ she’d asked.
‘No. He doesn’t understand. You’re his mother, it’s time you began acting like it.’
‘My mom just died, Billy.’
‘Yes, and I know exactly how you feel, but you don’t have the luxury of feeling sorry for yourself and staying in bed all day, are you listening?’
Chastised, eyes welling with tears, she’d nodded.
‘Right, let’s get you up and into the shower – I know it’s been a while.’
The talking-to had helped her put everything in perspective, and at first, he was staying there to take care of the boys while she grieved, but his dinners turned into nights staying over. They never mentioned it, or talked about it, but gradually Billy was there all the time, something that Vanessa felt was just right. They had moved into a sort of dating, where the other knew that there were very real feelings there. They had shared that beautiful first kiss and many more since.
Vanessa had gone back to work a few weeks after her mom’s death. She’d needed the distraction and to get back to her normal ro
utine. A huge bunch of flowers from Toby had arrived at the café the day she started working again. She had been touched. Then again, he’d lost his mom too and knew what it felt like, the devastation it could cause.
Vanessa was mopping the floor at the end of the night, three months following her mom’s death. She had forgotten to lock the door, which was unlike her, but she was looking forward to getting home. She realized with a start that she was looking forward to seeing Billy, and she knew then that her attraction to him couldn’t be denied anymore. She wanted him, and she intended on telling him when she got home. What was the point in waiting any longer? Life was too short, and she knew there was a risk of being hurt again, but she was willing to take that chance.
The bell on the door jangled and without looking up, she said, ‘Sorry, we’re closed.’
‘Good, that makes this easier.’
She spun around quickly.
‘Mark,’ she breathed.
‘In the flesh,’ he said, smiling a wide grin.
‘What do you want?’ she asked, her eyes wide, panicking.
‘What do you think I want? I miss you.’
‘You don’t miss me; you miss the control you had over me.’
‘Whatever,’ he said as he launched himself at her.
She completely forgot that she had the mop, a weapon, in her hand. She shoved the bucket at him, hoping it would fall and cause him to slip so she could duck out the back. But it didn’t work. Her keys lay in full view on the counter. She made a grab for them, her hand just grazing them before she was pulled back by her hair. She screamed in pain. No one would hear her because the café was surrounded by now empty buildings, but she screamed anyway. He smashed her face into the counter, breaking her nose once again, blood gushing down her chin and pattering onto the bench, startling in its color contrast to the cream laminate. Then he pulled her back and let go of her hair. Suddenly free from his hold but off balance, she collapsed to her knees. He punched her, landing across her eye before she fell to the ground and he laid into her with his boots, breaking at least one rib, the familiar pain stabbing her. She was certain it was the same damn one as last time. She curled up in a ball, trying to make herself a smaller target, all the while screaming.
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