Olivia took the glass beside the tap, filling it to the brim with water. She had to let the tap run for a bit until the water cooled down. She put the glass beside the bottles. Sixty tablets. A couple of handfuls and the pain would end. No dad to save her this time.
She opened the lids and tipped out both bottles onto the sink, mixing them up so she got roughly an even mix. Olivia was making sure she never woke up this time.
She cupped her hand under the lip of the sink and slid at least a quarter of the tablets into her hand. She put them all in her mouth and took a long drink of the water, washing them down. She had no idea how quickly they worked, so she had to swallow and get into the bath fast. She did the same with the rest of the tablets, all sixty of them, then climbed into the bathtub, sliding down into the water so only her head was visible. Her hair was out, floating around her face like a halo, like an angel. She inhaled the scents from the candles, the burning wicks dancing behind frosted glass holders.
Olivia felt like she was suspended in time. That in her bubble, time moved differently, slower somehow. She started to feel… something. Her mind started to drift, and she couldn’t seem to control where it went.
She felt the weight of Justin on top of her, she couldn’t catch her breath as he pushed her into the dirt. She tried to suck in air and was rewarded with small gasps of oxygen. Wade had a hold of Wren, who broke free from his grasp. Suddenly Justin’s weight lifted off her and she sucked in air, gasping, like a fish on land. She was too shocked to move straightaway, but when she did try to sit up, someone’s hand wrapped around her neck, pinning her to the ground. She reached up and tried to pry the hand from her body, only to hear him laugh.
He moved around to kneel beside her, putting pressure on her throat; again, she had trouble breathing. Wade moved his face closer to hers, inspecting it, grinning like a maniac. He was enjoying this; his hooded eyes were dark with desire. She heard Justin taunting Wren. Fuck you, Wren. I’m gonna fuck you up, then I’m gonna fuck your girl!
Olivia felt each strike of flesh on flesh as Justin punched and kicked Wren to the ground. Her eyes connected with Wren’s as he lay in the dirt, panting. Her eyes, wide with horror; his eyes narrowed in defeat. Justin got in one last kick, catching Wren across the cheek. After that, he didn’t move. She screamed behind the gag, thinking him dead.
‘Where were we, Livvy?’ Justin asked, his voice low even though there was no way his voice would have traveled.
She felt like she was slowly choking to death between the gag and Wade’s vice-like grip on her throat. Then Wade’s hand lifted from her just as Justin spread her legs and thrust inside her. She screamed again, this time in agony. Tears sprung into her eyes, ran down her cheeks, past her ears to patter onto the ground.
This could not be happening. She thrashed from side to side, trying to buck Justin off her, but he had pinned her arms to her sides so hard he left bruises. She realized that he was getting off on her struggling. He liked his women feisty, he’d told her that. So she lay still. He didn’t stop, his hips painfully smashing into hers. Her mind was elsewhere. He could take her body, but he couldn’t take her mind. She barely even noticed when he finished, when Wade positioned himself between her legs for his turn. She could see his face above hers in the moonlight. Hunger and lust on his face. They were right, the stars were much brighter out here.
She looked past Wade to where Wren was still lying motionless. Her hero. Her fallen hero. She was his angel, his fallen angel.
Wade pulled out and she felt a warm stickiness on her thigh. He laughed. They laughed. Justin squatted down beside Olivia. She was frozen in place, pinned to the dirt by an invisible force.
‘Tell anyone, and I’ll come back and hurt you again, you don’t want that. Nod if you understand.’ She nodded. ‘Good girl,’ he said as he lightly slapped her cheeks.
Olivia didn’t realize that she was crying until she could hear the slow, steady drip of her tears hitting the warm water. Now she knew. She put together what her subconscious had been trying to tell her all along.
Wren’s two best friends had raped her, left her lying in the dirt, and Wren hadn’t saved her.
The tablets were working now that her mind had shown her what she had needed to see, why she felt that she had to do this. She began to hallucinate. That was the only word for it. She saw her mother sitting on the edge of the bathtub, swirling her fingers through the warm water. She stared in wonder. ‘Mom,’ she breathed. ‘What are you doing here?’
‘My darling girl, I’m here to welcome you home.’
Olivia smiled as she slipped under the water. Within moments, she was gone, crossed through the barrier of the living and the dead.
Wren decided that he should finally go and see Olivia. He needed to see her. He needed to make sure that she wasn’t going to tell. No police had shown up at Justin, Wade’s or his house, so obviously she hadn’t reported the… the thing that happened… yet. He was grateful; if she told, he’d go down with Justin and Wade, Justin would make sure of it. He had tried to help Olivia, tried his very best, but Justin had beaten the absolute shit out of him. When he’d finally come to the next morning, they were long gone. He couldn’t. He knew what they were going to do to her, and Justin admitted that they had done it. Him and Wade.
Wren caught the bus home from school and then grabbed his bike from the side of the house where it was leaned up against the wall. He could hear his mom inside, bustling round in the kitchen, banging pans together, getting ready to make dinner. He hadn’t told her where he was going or even that he was leaving. He knew he should have, especially after the other day when he’d been by the river; she was so worried about him, always scrutinizing him when she thought he was unaware. He knew that she wanted so badly to ask his friends what was wrong, but he knew that she would never betray his trust like that.
He pedaled through the streets at a fair clip, going from one side of town almost to the other – not that there was a whole lotta town, but there was definitely a divide between the quality of housing.
Olivia lived in a lovely house. He’d been there a few times, having met her dad both in school and out of school. He seems like a nice, fair man, Principal Holmes. Certainly better than their last principal, a man with something to prove. The front path was lined with fragrant roses in a few different colors. Once, he’d picked a rose for her and put it in her hair, smelling the heady scent while kissing her. They had kissed a lot, but they had never slept together the whole time they’d been dating. She’d once confided in him that she was still a virgin. He said he’d wait. Olivia said she wanted to wait until she knew it was right, despite having said ‘I love you’ and spending all her time with him. She spent her weekends with him and after school, doing their homework together. She would talk about their plans for the future, for when they went to college together and moved into a small house nearby. She had their future all mapped out, right down to when she expected to get married and have kids. When she had mentioned marriage and babies, he’d been a bit surprised, taken aback. He had grown up knowing all about marriage and babies straight out of high school and it hadn’t ended well for his mom.
The warm wind whipped around his face, making his shirt billow behind him. He rounded the corner to Olivia’s street, trying to rehearse what the hell to say to her when he noticed something going on at the end of the street. He stood up and pedaled harder, screaming his bike to a stop and jumping off, throwing it to the ground.
There was a throng of people standing out in front of Olivia’s house. He pushed through them, desperate to see what was going on. A scream split through the buzz of people talking, everyone stilled. Coming outside the front door was a gurney, rolled by two official looking men in uniforms. He had a terrible sinking feeling in his stomach. The yell had been from a man.
He saw Principal Holmes walking beside the gurney, holding Olivia’s hand as she was rolled along the path.
What the fuck had happened?
&nbs
p; ‘Principal Holmes!’ he yelled, catching the eye of the wild-looking principal as they loaded Olivia into the van. ‘Principal Holmes!’
‘I heard she hung herself.’
‘No, she slashed her wrists.’
Wren turned and glared at the two gossiping women beside him before running toward Principal Holmes. The older man grabbed him in his arms, leaning heavily on Wren as he sobbed.
‘She’s dead, Wren. She’s really dead this time.’ Wren was stunned into silence. He wasn’t sure what to say, let alone do.
‘What happened?’ he finally stammered. ‘What did she do?’ Principal Holmes had stepped back from Wren’s embrace but held onto his forearm, seeming to need the physical contact.
‘She… she… took tablets, lots of them… she drowned in the bathtub,’ he whispered, trying not to let the neighbors hear him.
‘Jesus, Principal Holmes. I’m so sorry.’ Wren knew why she’d done it, and now he knew how she’d done it. It didn’t make it any easier. He had played a huge role in this terrible incident. He should have called her, should have made her listen to him.
He heard people talking loudly behind them, speculating what had happened. The tragic death of a seventeen-year-old girl would be gossip for years to come. Olivia would be immortalized in death by her final act in life.
‘What do we do now?’ Wren asked.
‘I need to go with Olivia and you need to go home.’ Wren nodded, that was the smart thing to do. He pushed through the crowd, some of whom were taking photos and videos, and grabbed his bike from the footpath, slowly riding home.
His mom’s car was in the driveway, but Billy’s was missing. He jumped off his still-moving bike, threw it to the ground once again and yelled as loudly as he could. He was kicking his bike when his mom flew out the door. She ran down the path and grabbed his hands.
‘Wren!’ she said, ‘What’s wrong? Are you OK?’
‘She fucking killed herself!’ he yelled.
‘What? Who? Olivia?’ she asked, shocked. When Wren didn’t answer, she asked again. ‘Olivia? You mean Olivia’s—’
‘Dead.’ He flung his arms around her and dropped his head onto her shoulder for a brief moment before pushing her away. ‘She took a bottle of tablets and drowned herself.’ His voice was devoid of emotion and tears now. His mom looked at him strangely for a second before trying to hug him again, but Wren was having none of it. He saw the hurt flash across her features before sadness settled in.
‘Sorry, Mom, I just need… I don’t know what I need.’
‘Come inside, sweetheart, I’ll get you a drink and we’ll talk.’ She gently wrapped an arm around his shoulder and this time he let her. She led him inside and sat him on the couch, then went to put the kettle on in the kitchen. She came back with a warm mug and sat down next to her son.
‘Was she depressed, Wren? Was she going through something?’
‘I don’t know, I don’t know!’ he said, knowing exactly what had happened.
She hushed him as Ty was asleep. They’d think of a way to tell him tomorrow. He was very close with Olivia; she treated him like a little brother.
‘Her dad…’ He couldn’t finish.
‘Oh God, Principal Holmes. Is he, I mean…? I should call or go round there or something tomorrow. I doubt he’s had time to make friends yet. That poor man.’
‘He was going with… with… Olivia.’
‘Oh, honey, I’m so sorry.’
Wren looked at her, the weight of guilt on his shoulders. He should have done something.
Wren heard Billy’s pickup pull up at the curb, its rumble as familiar as the flicking metallic noise the chain on his bike made. His mom patted his knee, then went to meet Billy at the door. He heard a hushed conversation and Billy swearing a bit louder than a whisper. He heard Billy’s heavy footsteps heading toward the lounge room. He came over and took the seat next to Wren, his mom standing in the doorway, looking on.
‘I’m so sorry, son.’ Billy took his hand in his. He had never been afraid to show affection to any of his family members; he loved them all. He pulled Wren to him in a crushing hug.
‘It’s my fault,’ Wren managed to get out.
‘No. It’s not. Olivia made this choice on her own. Loved ones often feel like this, but it actually has nothing to do with you.’
Not true.
‘I think I need to be alone. Thanks for the talk, Billy.’ Wren felt a little dizzy he stood up, handing his mug to Billy. He overbalanced a little when his mom caught him in a hug as he passed her. ‘Love you, Wren,’ she said simply, her face conveying all that her words didn’t. In that moment, he wanted to confess what had happened, but then the moment passed. This was something he would take to his grave. He went into his room, passing Ty’s room, the door half ajar, the lamp on. He loved Olivia, but his mom would have to break the news to Ty, he just couldn’t.
He grabbed his laptop and sat down on the bed. He typed: What does it feel like to drown?
He had a need to know. There were conflicting symptoms, but all agreed that sometimes you hallucinated. He wondered if Olivia did, and if so, what did she hallucinate? She would have breathed water into her lungs, then sunk to the bottom of the bathtub. He thought about the pain that her father was in right now. He had lost his entire family. One to a freak accident and the other to an unexplained suicide. Wren closed his laptop and put it back on the desk. He felt like going to the river, but it was well after dark and there’s no way his mom was letting him out of her sight tonight. Tomorrow.
21
Wren slept but didn’t sleep; he was in an emotionless void. He dreamed of Olivia; lucid dreams, he guessed you’d call them. In one she was hanging herself using rope she’d found in the garage from a camping trip, in another she slit her wrists. Then there was the one that was the truth. The one where she swallowed a bottle of tablets and drowned.
He woke just before dawn; he opened his curtains and watched as the sky blossomed on the first day without Olivia. Justin flitted through his mind. Would he know by now? How would he feel about this? He had caused this – well, all three of them had. He was just as culpable as the other two, so Justin had reminded him many times. He was right, though. He’d let her be raped. He should have fought harder for her. She might still be alive. He felt like a real shit when it crossed his mind that now she definitely wouldn’t tell. Couldn’t.
Dressing quickly, he left the house, grabbing his bike from out front where he’d dropped it last night. It was cool, the sun yet to warm the air. He rode to his special spot at the river, the one he’d shared with Olivia. He could swear he could hear her laugh. He sat down cross-legged on the ground and watched the river, the water lapping at the bank. It was normally peaceful here, but it couldn’t calm his turbulent mind. Eventually he decided he’d better go home. His knees popped painfully as he stood. He found riding a bit difficult until his legs warmed up a bit.
When he rode down his street, he could see his mom out the front of the house in her pajamas, her dressing gown tied against the cool morning air. He wondered how long she’d been waiting there. Probably since she’d discovered that he’d left the house without leaving a note, something he rarely did. He never liked to worry his mom, she always looked out for him and he wouldn’t hurt her for the world. He felt a pang of guilt, loaded on top of the mountain he was already feeling.
‘Where have you been, honey? We were worried.’ He knew that she was concerned that he’d done something stupid. He’d heard of suicide clusters; sometimes it only took one to become more. He could see the question in her eyes.
‘Don’t worry, Mom, I wasn’t doing anything stupid and I won’t.’ It was as close to a promise as he could get. She looked a little more relaxed, but the pinched expression was still on her face. She opened the door, waiting for him to follow her inside.
‘He’s back!’ she called out. Billy must have been worried too. Now he felt even worse, if that was possible.
Wren was ab
out to head down to his bedroom when his mom stopped him. ‘We need to tell Ty,’ she whispered. ‘You know how close he is… was… to Olivia.’
Ty was sitting on the couch. The TV was on, but he was gazing blankly at the wall above it. The sound was off.
‘Ty, honey? We need to talk to you.’ His mom sat down on the couch beside him, Wren on the other side and Billy leaning up against the door frame.
‘You don’t have to tell me, I already know,’ he said so quietly that Wren had to lean sideways to hear him.
‘What did you say, Ty?’ he asked.
‘Olivia.’ He whispered her name and Wren felt a chill travel the length of his body. ‘She’s dead.’ He said it so matter-of-factly.
Wren looked at his mom. They knew better than to question where he’d overheard the news. Sometimes Ty just knew things. Sometimes ahead of time, sometimes you didn’t have to tell him, he just knew stuff. It could be coincidence; make enough guesses and you’re bound to be right every now and then, but it was spooky nonetheless.
‘I’m so sorry, buddy. Yeah, she passed away last night. I know you loved her. We all did,’ Wren said.
Suddenly Ty launched himself at Wren, who caught him easily in his arms.
Ty was crying as he said, ‘I don’t want you to die too, Wren.’ Wren caught the worried look on his mom’s face.
Wren felt the cold prick of sweat on the back of his neck. What the hell was his brother saying? That he was worried he’d do something stupid or that he was actually going to die?
‘Ty, why’d you say that?’
‘I don’t know,’ he said, looking contrite at his outburst. Maybe Wren had heard him wrong, but he knew he hadn’t, and it scared him.
Never Ever Tell Page 18