“I think he’s just trying to make our lives a little easier.”
“He’s trying too hard to fit in,” said Rory.
“I can understand why. No one wants to stand out, especially in high school.”
“Standing out isn’t a bad thing,” Rory said, shaking his head. “Hell, you should know that better than anyone.”
“I can appreciate what you’re saying, Rory,” I said. “Really, I do. But I’m not ready for that. I’m not sure that I’ll ever be ready for it.”
Rory stood and headed for the door. He stopped and put his hand on my shoulder, giving it a squeeze. “When you’re ready, we’ll be there. Both of us.”
“Thanks, man.”
“No problem,” Rory said with a smile. “I’ll see you tomorrow. Try and think of something brilliant, like Tab said. I’d hate to have to leave everything to him.”
“I’ll do my best.”
“You always do.”
CHAPTER 5
“Heavy hearts, like heavy clouds in the sky,
are best relieved by the letting go of a little water.” ~ Christopher Morley
There was something off with the world when I woke up the next morning. Yes, I realize how totally ridiculous that sounds, but it’s the truth. The moment that I opened my eyes, it felt like there was something wrong, something that I couldn’t put my finger on. I shit you not, I almost said ‘There is a disturbance in the force’ out loud. I refrained from doing so and even looked over at the clock to make sure that I hadn’t overslept.
Nope, I was right on time. I shook my head and climbed out of bed. A look outside showed dark grey clouds building in the distance, with the faintest flashes of light arcing between them. I pulled on some sleep pants and made way to the bathroom to brush my teeth. I passed Davis in the hallway. He grunted a morning greeting and continued down the hall. Once I was reasonably sure that I wouldn’t kill anyone by breathing on them, I went back to my room and got dressed.
But I still couldn’t shake the feeling that something was very wrong. I grabbed my backpack and jogged down the stairs. When I came into the kitchen I saw both my mother and father standing there, deep in conversation about something. And judging by the looks on their faces, it was not a very pleasant conversation.
“Um, what’s up?”
“Honey, we need to talk to you.”
No good conversation started off like that. I swallowed hard, nodded, and slowly made my way into the room to have a seat at the breakfast bar.
“Is everyone okay?” I asked.
“We’re fine,” my dad assured me. “But Henry, well, something happened to a kid that you went to school with, something awful. We wanted to tell you before you got to school.”
Instantly, the only thing that I could think of was that something awful happened to Rory or Tab.
“What? What happened?”
I tried to keep the panic out of my voice, but by the look on my mom’s face, I wasn’t doing that great a job. She sat down across from me and reached over to place her hand on mine. A cold knot formed in my gut. The last time that she had that look on her face was when she told me that my grandmother had died.
“It’s Noah Kaplan, honey. Last night...” She fought back tears and my dad put a hand on her shoulder. This was never a good sign.
“He was sick,” my dad continued. “Henry, Noah ended his life last night.”
I felt as if someone had dropped me into a vat of ice water. That cold knot that had started in my stomach exploded throughout my body, making my eyes water, and my hands turn all clammy. And I wanted to throw up again. I started shaking uncontrollably and had to close my eyes and count to twenty before I could respond.
“He did what?” I asked, my voice quiet and low.
“He killed himself,” my dad said. He came around the island and gave me a hug. “I’m so sorry, Henry. I want you to know that if you feel like you need to stay home from school today, then we’re okay with that.”
I shook my head. Although, if I was honest with myself, I wasn’t sure exactly what I was feeling. I think my brain kind of went into total protection mode and shut off any ability to feel anything in that moment.
“Sweetie, we want you to know that you can talk to us. About this, or about anything else that’s going on, okay? Even if you think we’ll get mad, we promise that you can always, always come talk to us,” my mom said.
She had tears in her eyes, which almost made me start crying. I shoved those emotions away and nodded.
“We mean it,” my dad said. “Anything at all. No matter how mad you think we’ll get, okay? We love you, Henry.”
My mother had gotten up and come around to wrap both me and my dad in a hug.
“They will have grief counselors available at school today,” she said. “If you feel like you want to talk to them.”
Again, all I could do was nod.
“Are you sure that you are feeling up to going to school?”
I looked over at my dad. “Yeah. I mean, yes.”
“There’s no shame in staying home,” my mom said.
“I know there isn’t. I’m going to go wait in the car.”
They both gave me a hug one more time and then I walked out of the room. I didn’t tell them that I saw Noah after school that day. I didn’t tell them that I walked right past him without even stopping to ask if he was okay. I didn’t tell them that I never stood up for him, even though I never actively made fun of him. I felt like an incredibly shitty human being.
My mother emerged from the house a minute or two later. She said my dad would take Davis to school today. After we got in the car and backed out of the driveway, she turned to look at me, tears still evident in her eyes.
“I love you. You know that, right?”
“I know you do, mom,” I said, forcing back my own tears. “I love you, too.”
We didn’t say anything else to each other as she drove me to school. There really wasn’t much else to say. She made me promise that I would call her if I felt like I needed to go home before I even got out of the car. I gave her a hug and opened the door.
Much like at home, the atmosphere seemed off at school. People were still joking around and talking, but their tones were much more subdued than they had been the previous day. I took a deep breath and pushed the doors open to the building. As soon as I was inside, I looked over to the spot where I had seen Noah sitting the afternoon before. My gut clenched and I fought back another fresh surge of tears.
“Hey, man,” Rory said, appearing at my side. “Guess you heard about Noah, too, huh?”
I nodded.
“Sucks,” Rory said with a heavy sigh. “I just saw him yesterday.”
“So did I.”
I wasn’t ready to admit that I saw him sitting there, all curled up. Even thinking about it again brought on a fresh wave of guilt.
“Are you guys okay?”
We both looked over at Tab.
“You mean, besides the fact that one of our classmates just killed himself?” Rory snapped. “Yeah, we’re doing really great with that.”
“Easy man,” Tab said. “I was just asking a question.”
Rory let out a long breath. “You’re right, I’m sorry. It’s just... this shit isn’t supposed to happen in our school, right?”
“I don’t think it’s supposed to happen in any school,” I said.
“You’re right about that,” Tab said. “Do you think that you guys will go talk to that doctor our parents told us about? You know, the one that is supposed to be around for a while to help us cope?”
All the way to school, I had given serious thought to talking to the guy, especially given the level of guilt that I was feeling. Even if that was the case though, I wasn’t sure I was ready to reveal that to Rory and Tab just yet.
Rory shrugged. “I dunno. My parents made it pretty clear that I should if I started freaking out about it. What about you guys?”
“Same with mine,” Tab answered. “They were
pretty freaked out themselves this morning. They must have said I love you like a thousand times.”
“Mine, too,” I said.
Rory nodded in agreement.
“Today is going to be weird, isn’t it?” Rory asked.
“Probably,” I said.
Although, weird probably wouldn’t be the only word I would use to describe it. There was a heaviness to the school. It was like a start of an invisible fog of gloom that seemed to permeate the air. It only got worse as we made our way down the hall towards our first period classes. For a brief moment, I wondered if this was how George Lucas envisioned that cave on Dagobah when Luke sliced off his own head.
“We should get to class,” Rory said as we started walking down the hallway. He stopped after just taking a few steps as his eyes settled on a locker. Noah’s old locker. “It just sucks, really sucks.”
I was thinking the same thing.
During each class, the heaviness that hung in the air seemed to get worse. It made matters worse that, although everyone was clearly not dealing with it well, they all choose to ignore it. Much the same way that we all choose to ignore Noah. It did nothing to improve my mood or change the fact that I felt guilty about everything.
We were halfway through first period when they made an announcement over the loudspeaker that the grief counselors were in the guidance office and available if needed. Given the way that I was feeling, I was giving serious consideration to talking to one of them. I quickly departed my seat, nearly knocking it over in my haste to get out the door, and almost ran over the red-haired god that was Danny. I bet you never thought that you would hear that sentence.
“Jesus, dude, watch where you are going,” Danny said, putting his hands on my shoulders. I could have died right then and there. “You look totally freaked out.”
Probably because the crush of my life was holding onto me. Or was Cole Himmer the crush of my life? Whoops. The way that Danny was staring at me meant I should probably say something. Yes, I should totally say something.
“Um, no, not really.”
I should have said something better than that. A lot better.
“Are you sure?”
“I guess,” I said with a shrug. “Been kinda a weird day.”
We started walking down the hallway, which was weird because as far as I could remember, I had never walked to class with Danny. We were teammates, we practiced together and spent time together at meets, yet we still didn’t hang out all that much outside of those two activities.
“Did you know him?” Danny asked.
I stopped walking and looked over at him. Truthfully, I wasn’t sure how to answer. Maybe that’s what was bugging me so much. I felt like I should have known him or that I should have known something was at least seriously wrong with him.
“Um,” I said, swallowing hard. “I guess I kinda knew him. When we were kids we used to go on playdates, have sleepovers, you know, typical kid stuff. But a few years ago, around sixth grade, things changed, I guess.”
Danny nodded.
“Did you know him?”
“Not really,” Danny said with a shrug.
That wasn’t all that surprising. Although Danny had been going to gymnastics with me for the better part of six years, he transferred in our first year of junior high from the only private school in town.
“Actually, that’s the weird part,” Danny said as we stopped at the drinking fountain. “Everyone that I talk to doesn’t seem to know anything about him.”
“Maybe if we did know something about him, he wouldn’t have done that.”
“Dude was a loser.”
Both Danny and myself whirled around to see Hunter leaning against the wall.
“He took the coward’s way out.”
I felt a sudden surge of anger directed at Hunter for his words. He had no idea what Noah could have been going through. He had no idea what kind of problems he could have had. Given Hunter’s rather posh upbringing, he had never known anything that resembles a struggle.
I balled my fists up at my side, clenching and unclenching them while counting to ten. Hunter was in good shape, but if push came to shove, I was pretty sure that I could beat him hands down. I’d see him in the weight room and on the field. I knew I was faster and more agile.
“That’s a pretty messed up thing to say,” Danny snapped. “You didn’t even know him. What the fuck is wrong with you?”
Hunter flipped us off, pushed away from his locker, and headed back down the hallway.
“And that dude wants to be our class president,” Danny said. He watched Hunter saunter down the hallway and then shook his head. “Because if he gets elected I am pretty sure we are all screwed.”
“They say there is one in every school,” I pointed out.
“An asshole?” Danny asked, raising an eyebrow. “I am pretty sure there is more than one in every school. Cause, I could name like ten right now.”
Despite the funk I was in, I smiled.
“I need to get to class. See you at practice.”
“Yup.”
Yup? Did I just say yup? Great, now I sound like a total and utter moron. Danny took off down the hallway, stopping to talk to Shawna briefly at her locker. I watched him go and shook my head. Apparently, I was going to be that guy who fell for EVERY single cute straight guy that happened to cross my path. I guess that was better than falling for the emotionally unavailable jackass, right?
“So, does anyone know why he did it?”
I looked over at Tab and resisted the urge to smack him violently on the back of his head. Rory, however, did not exercise such restraint.
“Hey!” Tab shouted, rubbing the back of his head. “That hurt!”
“Then stop asking asshole questions,” Rory said.
We were seated around one of the small circular metal tables that littered the quad. The sun had become hidden behind some thick grey clouds and the temperature was unseasonably cool.
I hated to admit that I sort of agreed with Tab, no matter how uncouth he was being. For some reason, I think a part of me wanted to know so I could set my mind at ease about not doing something about it sooner. Every time I walked past that spot in the hallway, I saw Noah sitting there. And every time I replayed it in my head, it seemed perfectly normal. I was suddenly in no mood for my lunch.
“Anyone want my food?” I asked.
“Sure,” Tab said, taking my lunch bag.
“You should eat something,” said Rory, grabbing the bag from Tab and handing it back to me. “Dude, I know this day sucks, but you can’t just stop eating, man.”
“It’s one day,” I protested.
Rory dug around in the bag and pulled out my apple. He tossed it to me and handed the bag back to Tab. Realizing I wasn’t going to win this argument, I bit into it.
“There are a ton of rumors going around,” Tab said.
I closed my eyes. “Tab, I really don’t want to hear them.”
“Neither do I,” Rory snapped. “It’s tragic, we all know that.”
“You don’t want to know why?” asked Tab.
“Does it matter?” I asked. “Does that change anything?”
“Maybe we could have helped,” Rory said softly. “Maybe we could have done something.”
I looked over at Rory, surprised by his statements. I was pretty sure that both of them would have said I was overthinking it and that what Noah did was because he was sick.
Or maybe that was just what I wanted to hear. I didn’t want to hear that he was lonely. I didn’t want to hear that maybe all he needed was someone to talk to and listen. I didn’t want to hear those things because I could have done them. I couldn’t have fixed his brain chemistry, but I could have been a friend.
“Hunter called him a coward,” I said.
“Hunter’s a fucking twatwaffle,” said Rory. “How Shawna hasn’t dumped his ass by now is entirely a mystery to me.”
“Maybe he’s a good kisser,” said Tab. “I mean, a lot of
people stay with people because they are good kissers. Or maybe he’s good at other things.”
“We are going not to speculate on whether not Hunter is having sex,” I said looking between my two friends. “Because I really don’t give a shit.”
“No one gives a shit,” Rory agreed.
“Enough about all that,” Tab said. He produced his tablet from his backpack. “I started doing some work on slogans and button ideas and who you need to schmooze.”
“Slogans? Schmooze?” I asked, shaking my head. “You sound like you belong on capitol hill.”
“That doesn’t matter,” Tab assured me.
“What does matter then?” I asked.
“Who you have get to vote for you,” Tab said. He tapped his tablet before flipping it around so that myself and Rory could see it. There was a picture of our class on the screen. “First off, there’s the jocks. If Hunter runs, too, he’ll get the football guys and probably the wrestling team as well.”
“You aren’t telling me anything that I don’t already know,” Rory said, rolling his eyes.
Tab ignored him and continued on. “I’m pretty sure you can get the swim team and the basketball team and for sure the soccer team.”
“And how do you know all that?” I asked. “Exactly what are you basing your research on?”
“You need to trust me,” Tab said. “Now as for the girls, that could be a little more tricky. A lot of them are dating said jocks. However, if you can get those teams I mentioned on your side, then I think you stand a real chance.”
“I’m going to stand a chance because I am actually going to stand up for something,” said Rory as he got to his feet. “Did you come up with any useful slogans?”
“I’m still working on a few,” Tab replied as he shoved his tablet back into his backpack. “Are you ready for practice tonight?”
I nodded. I had no idea why, but I thought that some vigorous physical exercise might just be enough to take my mind off what happened to Noah.
“Great, see you later then,” Tab said as he too got to his feet. “I have stuff to do.”
We both watched as Tab wandered off.
“He’s up to something, isn’t he?” I asked.
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