by Ciara Smyth
“The roller coaster here gives off the distinct aura of taking your life into your own hands, but I hear life-threatening circumstances bring people together, so why not?”
At the top of the wheel, the ride paused, and we looked out on the view. The sea stretched out for miles on one side and on the other, you could see the town fading into countryside. Ruby reached out and held my hand and I felt myself relax a little.
“Tell me something about yourself,” I said. “How is it that you have the reflexes of a cat?”
She laughed and I felt a warm glow. I loved making her laugh. She had a pretty laugh and somehow it also had an English accent.
“I did gymnastics for years.”
“But not anymore?”
“Things got too busy at home. To be honest, Mum started to forget about my lessons because she had so much on and I didn’t want to bother her. It was probably six months before she realized I hadn’t been going. I told her I didn’t want to go back anyway. I didn’t want her to feel bad.”
My heart ached for little Ruby. She must have been one of those kids whose parents were so high-powered and ambitious that they kind of forgot they even had a kid. It sort of made sense that they were off on holiday without her now. I opened my mouth to tell her that I knew what it was like to have a mum who couldn’t always be there for you. Even if my mum would want to be if she could. Then with a jolt, I caught myself. How had I let my guard down so easily? I’d only just set new rules for myself and there I was about to break them immediately and invite doom right into my life. I would need to be a lot more careful than that. I could practically see her bleeding-heart reaction if I’d said what I’d been thinking. She’d feel so sorry for me. I felt sorry for her and I wasn’t even the type to get on that way.
“The important thing is, can you still do a cartwheel?”
Ruby blinked, probably expecting a different response. I buried my guilt as she buried her surprise.
“Actually I can,” she said, recovering quickly and grinning at me. “And a backflip. And if you’re lucky I’ll show you how I can put my legs—”
The Ferris wheel started again with a lurch, bringing us toward the ground, and near a toilet. Then a groan, a creak, and a screech of metal on metal. The wheel shuddered to a halt and a girl in the next cart screamed.
I mean, of course the Ferris wheel broke down. When you gamble on living the rom-com life, sometimes you’re going to get to kiss the pretty girl and sometimes you’re going to face abject humiliation for comic effect.
A terrible feeling took hold of my body and I clenched every muscle.
“Are we . . . stuck?” Ruby leaned over the edge of the cart, her head practically hanging off the side and trailed off as panicked yelling reached our ears. One man screamed “I’m going to sue you!” and a child who was far, far too old for it started bawling loudly.
This was bad. Very, very bad. I looked around as if somehow the answer to my most pressing problem would appear out of thin air.
When Ruby’s head reentered the cart, she was beaming.
“This is so perfect,” she said, laughing, giddy with the thrill of it. Then she noticed my expression.
“Saoirse, what’s wrong? We’re totally safe.”
I shook my foot furiously and rubbed my thumb into the scar on the palm of my hand.
“How long do you think it will take to get going?” I squeezed the words out.
“I don’t know, but we’re going to be OK. Are you afraid of heights or something?” she said, her forehead crinkled in concern.
I hesitated. Then I nodded.
“Yep. Super scared of heights. That’s me. I get like two feet high in the air and I’m all, Oh no, I’m going to die.”
I peered out the edge of the cart to see if anyone was doing anything about this disaster.
“Don’t look down,” Ruby said, rubbing the back of my neck in a way that was meant to be comforting but sent shivers through my body. It was a confusing mix of sensations.
“It’s going to be fine,” she said in a soothing voice, “I promise.”
I nodded, unable to say anything. The terrible feeling got stronger.
She stopped rubbing abruptly.
“Why did you suggest the Ferris wheel if you’re afraid of heights?”
“Um . . .”
“And the night we met you climbed an eight-foot wall.”
“I was trying to impress you?” I said hopefully.
She raised an eyebrow and waited. Damnit, that was so cool.
“OK, fine,” I burst out, “I’m not afraid of heights.”
“Well, what is it, then?” she said, leaning back in her seat. I’d preferred it when she was being sympathetic.
I closed my eyes dramatically and paused before taking a deep breath.
“I’m afraid I’m going to wet myself. I drank half a liter of Coke and I am fucking dying to pee, all right?” I said it all as quickly as possible, as though somehow the embarrassment would be over quicker.
Ruby burst out laughing.
“Why are you laughing?” I demanded. “This is a real danger here!” My voice was getting more panicked and out of control now that my secret was out there. “Like if we were on a roller coaster and it stopped suddenly, sure, we could be flung to our death or be mangled or something, but that would be a tragic accident. What’s going to happen to me? I’m going to wet myself and the girl I like is going to be right next to me. Not even in the same room. In the same two square feet. Oh God, what if my pee gets on you? What if when we finally get down, we open the door and a wave of pee just crashes out.”
Ruby was doubled over with laughter at this point, but she made the effort to sit up straight, then wiped her eyes with her hand.
She took my hand in hers. “We are going to get through this, I promise. You are not going to wet yourself. You’re a fully grown human and you have control over your own bladder. It only seems so bad because you’re focusing on it.”
“How can I not focus on it? Trust me, my body is demanding I focus on it.”
She bit her lip. A stray giggle escaped. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t laugh. This is all my fault really.”
“How is it your fault?”
“I should have warned you.”
“How could you know I’d drink my body weight in fizzy drinks and get trapped in a confined space?”
“Oh, come on,” she said, like it was obvious. “In a rom-com, the couple always get trapped in a confined space. If they go into a supply closet, the door will lock from the outside. If they get on an elevator, the elevator will get stuck. And if they go on a Ferris wheel, it will break down. I can’t blame you, you don’t really know enough about these films.”
“Well then yeah, you should have warned me. I’d have made an emergency backpack with snacks or something. A map, a first aid kit, and one of those enormous satellite phones for when our phones inevitably lose signal.”
There was a surprising amount of overlap between cute rom-com disaster scenes and your average horror movie disaster. Of course in rom-coms there is only sexual tension; in horror there’s a knife-wielding serial killer, so the tone is subtly different, you know?
“Ah, I get it now,” Ruby said sagely. “You’re the uptight one and I’m the carefree spirit who has to teach you how to loosen up, chill out, break the rules.”
“Excuse me? I’m the one who scaled a wall and bought you a star. I’m obviously the carefree one,” I said, although the bit about breaking the rules was a little close for comfort. I didn’t have rules because I was uptight. I had them because I was afraid of what I might do without them. That’s not being a control freak.
It’s not.
“As the truly carefree one, I’m going to let you have that,” Ruby said, with a wink that woke the wobble from its nap at a most inconvenient moment. I didn’t know anyone could wink and not come off cheesy, but she managed it. I wondered if I could do it. I’d have to practice in the mirror later.
/>
“I’m just going to say it,” Ruby said, while I was contemplating that the very act of practicing winking did indeed make me the uptight one. “We agreed we were going to do one trial date and I think this is a resounding success.”
I made a point of peering out of the cart to the earth, far far away, and back at Ruby.
“What, you mean because we got stuck up here that’s not a success? I told you, if you watched more rom-coms you would have seen it coming.”
“I’m kidding,” I said. “I actually am having a good time. You know, aside from the desperate need to pee while trapped in the air.” Weirdly it was true. Somehow, I would have rather been stuck in a bathroom emergency with her than basically anywhere else without her.
Ruby scrunched her face up in a show of sympathy. “Let’s distract you, then. If we’re agreed on continuing with the montage, let’s think of other things we can do.”
“I’m relying on your expertise here,” I said, opening a note file on my phone. “We’ve done the funfair. What else have you got?”
Ruby flipped her hair over, thinking.
“Frolicking?” she offered finally, her tongue absently toying with her lip ring.
I cleared my throat, thinking of how to respond to a word I’d never heard anyone use in real life.
“Frolicking?” I said. “You just made that up.”
“No, I didn’t. It’s where the couple engage in scenes of playful . . . frolicking.”
I raised both eyebrows (because I can’t do one at a time). “I’m gonna need an example. This sounds dubious.”
“10 Things I Hate About You,” she said immediately. “The scene at the paintball place.”
“I haven’t seen it.” I shrugged.
Ruby’s eyes bugged.
“I know you said you weren’t into rom-coms, but that’s just weird. OK—if I have to supply all the ideas, then you have to actually watch the films they come from. We’ll add them to the list. Maybe you won’t be so surprised next time something obvious happens, like a Ferris wheel breaking down.”
She looked giddy at the idea that I would have to sit and watch all her favorite movies, and I had to admit I wanted to see the smile on her face when I agreed.
“Oh all right then,” I agreed.
She beamed. There it was.
“Oh, I know what’s next. Meaningful eye contact.”
“Frolicking and eye contact?” I shook my head, but I typed it anyway.
“There is always serious meaningful eye contact in a montage. That’s how you know there’s sexual tension,” she explained.
“I mean, you’re not wrong, but it’s not really a date. We can do that anytime.”
“Exactly. We should do it now. Check it off nice and quick.” She had a look on her face that I was beginning to classify as her “mischief” face. She’d had it when we jumped off the wall. She’d had it when she invited me up to her room. In fairness, it had brought me pretty good things so far.
“You want to have meaningful eye contact with me now?”
“Sure.”
“Shouldn’t it be, I dunno, more natural?”
“You’re OK with a list of dates and a prearranged breakup, but we can’t schedule meaningful eye contact?”
“No, no, you’re right.” I held up my hands in surrender.
“Now remember, you’re going to have to hold the eye contact for at least ten seconds,” she said.
“This is silly. I can’t keep a straight face and do this.”
“You must. Now we’re chatting normally, looking around everywhere.” Ruby glanced around. She waved casually to no one because we were two hundred feet in the air. “Casual glancing, just chatting, rhubarb, rhubarb,” Ruby said, looking anywhere but directly at me.
“Hold on, rhubarb?” I interrupted.
“Yeah, that’s what background actors say when they’re supposed to be talking. Don’t you know anything?”
I shrug. “Rhubarb, rhubarb.”
“Casual discussion, rhubarb, rhubarb. OK, now eye contact in
three
two
one.”
Ruby locked eyes with me and I struggled not to crumple into giggles. Biting the inside of my cheek, I focused my eyes on hers and counted down the seconds.
Ten—This is so silly.
Nine—I’m going to laugh. I am going to laugh.
Eight—Bite your lip if you have to.
Seven—Focus on the eyes. Take a deep breath. That blue freckle is so cute.
Six—Ruby’s eyes are flecked with green. They’re really more hazel than brown.
Five—How come it’s so quiet all of a sudden?
Four—Is that my heart pounding in my ears?
Three—It isn’t funny anymore.
Two—This is too intense.
One—Don’t look away.
Her eyes closed and mine did too. I felt her breath on my lips.. Her lips touched mine, but barely. That’s all it took to send signals firing to the rest of my body. I pressed my lips against hers more firmly and her lips parted, her tongue soft and breath sweet. One of her hands moved to my hips, the other hand moved to my face and cupped it. No one had ever done that before. There was something so gentle about it.
Then she pulled away and the rest of the world rushed back in like someone had turned up the sound and turned on the lights again. The wheel cranked to life with a crunching sound. We started our descent back to solid ground and I crossed my legs as I suddenly remembered how badly I needed the loo.
11.
Funfair date (as seen in Never Been Kissed; Love, Simon). I was one date in and already two movies behind, so we agreed I would watch at least one film for each date. Ruby was convinced that once I got into it I’d watch them all of my own accord anyway. I remained skeptical. Meaningful eye contact. I talked Ruby into making this an addendum to part one. It wasn’t a date per se so it couldn’t get its own category and by extension she couldn’t add any more movies to the list.
One person teaches the other a skill (as seen in Say Anything . . . , Imagine Me & You). Slightly concerning as I don’t have any discernible skills, but maybe Ruby was hiding a talent for tennis or pottery. One of those ones where she’d have to get up close and personal to guide me.
Karaoke. Where one or both people reveal their hidden singing talent or lack thereof (as seen in My Best Friend’s Wedding, 500 Days of Summer) I protested this one vehemently, pointing out we’d already done karaoke. Ruby insisted that I hadn’t sung so it didn’t count. I privately decided I’d work on convincing her to replace this with something less horrifying.
Frolicking (as seen in all of them, apparently). I was still unconvinced by this, but Ruby’s insistence that it would be found in any rom-com gave me a sound argument for not adding any more specific movies to my watch list.
Performing a synchronized dance routine (as seen in 13 Going on 30, Easter Parade). I was starting to feel as though I needed to be a West End star just to get through this summer with my dignity intact.
Movie night (as seen in To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before, Notting Hill). Obviously this should be replete with the tension of imminent kissing in the air.
Passionate kissing in the rain (as seen in Four Weddings and a Funeral, Breakfast at Tiffany’s). OK, I was totally on board for this one.
Date on a rowboat (as seen in The Proposal, 10 Things I Hate About You). I did not fancy my chances rowing. My arms got tired when I was blow-drying my hair.
Having one of those “No, you hang up” conversations on the phone (as seen in The Truth About Cats & Dogs, Pillow Talk). She really had to dig into the vault for this one.
The slow dance (as seen in The Gay Divorcee, When Harry Met Sally . . .). Ruby explained that this was different from the dance routine, which was meant to be fun and playful. The slow dance was romantic and passionate. They were both bloody dances as far as I was concerned, but I let it slide nonetheless. Call me a hopeless romantic.
After the funfair date, I felt giddy and bouncing off the walls with energy. I went home and it hit me that there was no one to tell. Briefly, I wondered what it would be like to tell Izzy. We used to talk a lot about me and Hannah, especially when we first started going out. She never made it weird that we were all friends and suddenly the two of us had coupled off. Part of me wanted to call her and tell her. I knew that if I did, we could fall right back into our friendship. If I let that happen. But I couldn’t.
I told myself I was only thinking of her because there was no one else. I certainly didn’t want to tell Dad, and although I had told Mum, it isn’t the same when she doesn’t really get what it means. I wondered how she’d react if she was well and she knew I was with someone other than Hannah. But then, if she was well, maybe I would still be with Hannah.
I let myself splash around in those thoughts for approximately ten minutes and then I locked them in a box and put them away. I was afraid that if I let them out for too long, they’d take over.
Instead of wallowing, I bought Never Been Kissed on demand to start my rom-com journey. It’s not like I was looking forward to watching this mindless fluff, you understand. It was research. Necessary research. And if the candy colors, glossy cinematography, and happy endings seemed kind of refreshing for a change, well, that could be my little secret. I texted Ruby to let her know what I was doing and she sent me back a GIF of a cat cheering. It had become apparent to me over the last few days that cat GIFs were her main form of text communication; she had one for every occasion.
I was arranging my pillows for optimal comfort when Dad rapped on the doorway. He came in without waiting for an invitation. Of course.
“What’s going on here?” He frowned at the screen, which showed a candy-colored Drew Barrymore.
“Um . . .”
“Are you watching a rom-com?” he said, incredulous.
“No. Maybe. So what if I am? I thought you were going out.”
He was meeting Beth to pick gifts for the bridal party. Not entirely sure why you have to buy other people presents on your wedding day just because they held a ring or stood behind you in a dress but whatever. Come to think of it why do you have to buy the bride and groom a present either? It’s already “the happiest day of your life,” isn’t it? Is that not enough?