by Beth Wiseman
“We will always be in your life.” Mary ended the embrace with an extra squeeze.
“I’m very thankful for that.”
But Lucas won’t be.
* * *
Lucas was charged with repairs on the back fence this week, and from where he was working, he could see Cecelia’s car at Moses’s house, which made him miss Natalie more. And it had only been three days.
He raised the hammer and aimed for the nail, then yelled when he hit his thumb. He almost cursed aloud, something he’d never done. As he shook his throbbing hand, he kicked the fence post, then threw the hammer to the ground, hard enough that the prongs dug into the dirt.
Would it always be like this? Would Natalie always consume his every thought? When he closed his eyes at night, he saw her face in his mind’s eye, and he could feel her lips against his.
“I did what You wanted me to do, Gott. I helped her find her way to You. Please release me of this torment that is gnawing away at my heart.” He spoke aloud as he held his thumb and paced alongside the fence he was supposed to be repairing.
When his thumb began to swell, he stomped back to the house to get some ice. His mother was pulling clothes from the line.
“What happened?” She dropped a towel in the laundry basket and headed his direction.
Lucas kept walking. “I hit mei thumb with the hammer. Just getting some ice.” He rushed up the porch steps, found some ice in a cooler, and wrapped it in a towel, then flinched as he pressed his thumb against the cool rag.
His mother joined him in the kitchen. She reached for his hand and studied his thumb. “Ach, it might be broken.”
Lucas shrugged as he took his hand back. “Nothing I can do about it.” It would just slow down his work.
“Sohn, are you all right?” His mother lifted her eyes to his. “You haven’t seemed yourself lately.”
“Ya, I’m fine.” She would be pleased he was no longer friends with Natalie, but Lucas didn’t think he could talk about it without breaking down in her arms. He was a twenty-two-year-old man, and he wasn’t about to let that happen. Besides, the open wound would only deepen if his mother said something cliché like, “It’s for the best.”
She peered at him with eyes that could always spot a lie. But after a few seconds, she went to the den and began folding the clothes she’d just brought inside.
Lucas’s throbbing thumb added irritation to the bad mood he’d woken up in. By the time he got back to the fence and picked up the hammer, his temper had worsened even more. He thought about the book still in his nightstand. In the end, the character had gotten the girl. He had to learn he couldn’t save her. Only God could do that, and He did. But the woman in the story had to find her own path before she was back in Michael’s arms. And it had taken a long time.
Lucas’s journey with Natalie had only begun a few months ago. As much as he would like to take credit for saving her, he knew that was all God. But the calling left his heart crushed, and he didn’t see that getting better anytime soon. Would Natalie’s path lead her back to Lucas’s arms? It seemed unlikely.
He positioned another nail and drew back the hammer just as a car pulled into Moses’s driveway. He recognized Natalie’s silver SUV, and his feet were moving that direction before she stepped out of the car. He’d only gotten a few feet onto the field that separated their houses when he stopped. He knew he could close the space between them in less than a minute, but she hadn’t seen him yet, and it was probably better if she didn’t. He was about to turn around when she spotted him.
She pushed her sunglasses up on top of her head. Lucas didn’t have the strength to walk away if she headed toward him. A clean break was best, but it wasn’t going to happen if she took one step in his direction.
He waited, frozen in the moment, his heart thumping wildly in his chest.
Chapter 10
Natalie wanted to run across the field and jump into Lucas’s arms, to tell him she’d become Amish if it meant having him in her life. But wouldn’t she be betraying God if she chose a religion only so she could be with a man? Or would her relationship with God transition no matter how she practiced her faith or whom she loved? Lucas had been building his relationship with God his entire life, but Natalie was just beginning hers. Even if they shared a life in his world, wouldn’t they still be unequally yoked, a term she’d heard the Amish use frequently?
She pulled her sunglasses back down and started walking to the front door of Moses’s house, but a horse whinnied to her left and she stopped. She raised her hand above her eyes to block the blazing sun piercing through her sunglasses and saw her mother. She turned and went toward the arena where a man, who must be Moses, was working with a horse. Her mother appeared to be filming with a large camera-looking device propped on her shoulder.
“Hey, glad you made it,” her mom said as she caught sight of Natalie out of one eye and didn’t lower the camera.
Natalie sidled up next to her and leaned her arms on the railing of the arena. “Wow, what a beautiful horse. Such a gorgeous deep brown color.” She gasped a little when the horse reared up near the man. He had to move fast to avoid getting kicked. “Whoa, he’s kinda wild, huh?”
“The horse or Moses?” Her mother chuckled but kept the camera on her shoulder.
“The horse, Mother.” Natalie rolled her eyes, then took in her surroundings—the small house, horse arena, barn with horse stalls, field of hay, and windmill. “This place is amazing.”
“If you like the country life, I suppose.”
Natalie chuckled. “Are you filming a movie with that big thing, or what?”
Moses ran his hand along his neck, as if to say “cut.” Natalie’s mom lowered the camera and gently set it on the ground. “That’s an ancient video recorder.” She spoke in a whisper since Moses was almost within earshot. Natalie vaguely recalled seeing him in the small crowd at Levi and Mary’s house a couple weeks ago.
“You must be Natalie.” The guy held out his hand between the fence boards.
She nodded and shook it. Moses was a nice-looking Amish man, even for an old guy.
“I’ve been recording Moses as he tries to green break that fellow, but the horse hates that saddle. He still hasn’t been able to get on him.” Her mother had dark circles underneath her eyes, which Natalie suspected were from lack of sleep, but something else was different about her. After a few seconds she realized that Cecelia Collins barely had on any makeup. Natalie couldn’t think of a single instance when her mother left home without perfect hair and tons of makeup.
“You look pretty without as much makeup,” she whispered.
“Doesn’t she?” Moses smiled at Natalie before he turned to her mother and winked.
Natalie cut her eyes in her mother’s direction just in time to see her wave a dismissive hand before she giggled.
Natalie gave her head a shake as she wondered if things could get any more bizarre. Her mother had been correct. Moses is a flirt. It was kind of cute to see her mother get giddy, especially since she’d been so distraught about the flowers from Dad. But this seemed to confirm that Moses was the reason she’d torn up the card. Maybe she really was trying to move on, but it shouldn’t be with Moses.
“I know your mamm is scared of most animals, but she said you were going to school to become a veterinarian, so I’m guessing you must have a fondness for them.” Moses pushed up the rim of his straw hat, smiling. He had pretty hazel eyes.
Natalie and her mother exchanged looks before Natalie responded. “I love animals, especially horses.” She pointed at the one in the arena. “And that one is gorgeous.” She lifted her hand to her forehead, blocking the sun again as the horse reared up from where he was pacing on the other side of the arena.
“Ya, he’s a beauty, but he’s got fire in him. I’m not sure I’ll get him calmed down enough to take him to auction.” Moses looped his thumbs beneath his suspenders and shook his head, scowling. “I was telling your mother that the prior owne
r didn’t treat him properly, and the horse isn’t very trusting.”
“Can I try to pet him?” Natalie kept her eyes on the animal, who seemed to be watching her too.
“Don’t you dare go in there with that crazed horse,” her mother practically yelled.
Natalie handed her purse to her. “I meant from the other side of the fence, not actually go inside.” She raised an eyebrow as she looked at Moses. “Is that okay?”
“Ya, sure. He will probably run from you. A couple of the boys next door have tried to pet him, but he won’t even let them get close.”
Natalie wondered if Lucas was one of the boys, but she shut down the emotional meltdown that was sure to follow at the thought of him. It would come later, but hopefully in the privacy of her apartment.
“I have to head to town in a little while. You okay out here if your mamm and I go look at this video before I leave?”
“Sure.” Natalie started making her way around the arena as her mother and Moses walked back to the house. The horse lowered his head and snorted as she approached. When she was close enough to reach out and touch him, he ran the other way, then reared up on his hind legs and whinnied loudly.
Natalie leaned her arms on the railing, feeling suffocated by regret. About Lucas and the realization that she might not be cut out to be a vet. “Hey there, fella,” she whispered as she rested her chin on her hands.
The horse jerked his head up and down and dug at the ground like a bull.
“Oh, I bet you’re not as fierce as you think you are.” She spoke softly as she slowly reached out toward him with one hand. “What’s your name?”
The horse tossed his head from side to side, then stopped and stared at Natalie. “I bet I can outstare you.” She widened her eyes behind her sunglasses as she extended her other arm over the railing, both palms up. “I bet it would feel good if you let me scratch your nose.”
She stood quietly, her thoughts drifting back to Lucas despite her best efforts. It had taken every bit of willpower not to run to him earlier. But what would she have said? “I’m sorry that I love you?” It would have been a lie. She wasn’t sorry she loved him, but she was sorry she’d hurt him and that her own heart had been left a tattered mess.
She was pulled from her thoughts when she felt soft skin and whiskers rub against one of her hands. Slowly, she touched the horse’s nose, only to have him back up and shake his head, his mane whipping in the wind.
“See, you’re not a monster,” she whispered, smiling. She kept her arms where they were, and the horse slowly came back toward her. Finally she was able to scratch his nose.
* * *
Cecelia stood in the den while Moses paced. They’d watched the video at least a dozen times.
“I can’t figure out that animal. He’s better if I try to mount on the left side, but once my leg touches his right side, he bucks me off.” Moses stroked his beard as he stared at the fireplace.
He grunted and threw his head back. “I’ll be right back. I hear the commode running again upstairs, the way it was the other night when you were here.” He rushed across the room wearing his boots. Moses didn’t seem to care about tracking mud through the house. Cecelia wondered if it had always been that way, or if his wife had requested that he take his shoes off before entering. She also wondered what his wife looked like. Was she pretty? She shook away the thought. What did it matter?
A few minutes later, Moses returned. She wasn’t sure how many times he’d carried the lantern upstairs last Friday night to mess with that toilet. It didn’t just run—the pipes made a horrible sound when it happened. He’d eventually turned off the valve when he couldn’t get it fixed.
“I guess I better stop at Kirby’s Hardware while I’m in town and get the parts to fix that thing. I need to go to Gallion’s for a few things too.” At some point, he’d lowered his suspenders to his sides, and as he pulled them up, Cecelia figured he was about to leave. “Do you need anything?”
She shook her head. Gallion’s Supermarket and Kirby’s in Orleans wasn’t far from here by car, but in a buggy, she was sure it would take Moses a few hours to run his errands. “Besides, it’s probably around two by now. I’m going to write checks for some of those bills, and then I’ll head home. But I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Moses tipped his straw hat at her and grinned. “I’ll be looking forward to it.”
Cecelia’s stomach swirled a little, but the flirty gesture actually took her back to thoughts of Tom.
“Ach, look at that.” Moses stopped at the window on his way to the front door. “Come here.” He didn’t turn around but motioned to Cecelia with his hand.
She rushed to his side. “Oh, my.” Natalie was petting the wild horse.
“That’s a first.” Moses leaned closer to the window, which was partially open, a light breeze drifting into the room.
“She’s had some experience with horses. She took riding lessons when she was younger. I was against it. Horses are so big and dangerous. But she talked her father into it. She even won a barrel racing contest at a fair.” Cecelia cringed. “I kept my eyes closed the entire time.”
Moses chuckled. “She’ll make a wonderful vet someday.”
He was still watching Natalie, so he couldn’t have seen Cecelia’s expression change. She’d been so proud of her daughter’s ambitions, about going to college and becoming a vet. Now all of that seemed to be up in the air. She couldn’t even blame Natalie’s hesitations on Lucas—she’d always known about her daughter’s aversion to blood and needles.
Having her children was the best thing Cecelia had ever done, and she was determined to put her life back together, with or without Tom. She’d relied on her daughter too much throughout the divorce. Now, she just wanted Natalie to be happy, whether that included college or not.
They watched Natalie stroking the animal’s mane for a few minutes before Moses left to run his errands and Cecelia retreated to the sewing room office. She picked up one of the checkbooks and grabbed the first bill on top of the pile, but she couldn’t focus.
She reached into her purse, took out her cell phone, and stared at the text message from Tom. Then she punched in Thank you for the flowers. Love, Cecelia. But she deleted Love, Cecelia, and this time she hit Send. She picked up the checkbook again, took a deep breath, and got to work.
* * *
Helen carried another load of wet clothes out to the line. With the girls gone, all the washing fell on her this afternoon. Monday was laundry day, and she should have taken that into consideration before she said her three daughters could go to the bake sale. But she knew Sarah, Hannah, and Miriam could use the extra pocket money. Eli and Jacob had come down with whatever Isaac was suffering from, mostly congestion and a low fever, so they were in bed. She figured they would all end up with the illness before it was over.
Before the girls left, Miriam had told Helen that Lucas wasn’t spending time with Natalie anymore. Apparently, he had confided in his sister the day before. Helen assumed that was why he’d been moping around and moody. She disliked seeing any of her children in pain, but if things had continued with Lucas and Natalie, they’d have suffered even more later. It was for the best.
Lucas was still on Helen’s mind when he came across the yard carrying his toolbox. “Fence all done?” She pinned a towel to the line, then glanced his way.
“Ya, it’s fixed.” He kept walking in the direction of the barn.
Helen waited until he passed her again on his way to the house before calling out. “Lucas, wait, sohn.” She took a few steps in his direction, her hip crying out with every step. “One of the girls told me you aren’t spending time with Natalie anymore.”
“Ya, that’s right.” He folded his arms across his puffed-up chest as he grimaced, probably itching for a confrontation to release some of the hurt. Helen decided not to push too much.
“I’m sorry.”
He lowered his hands to his sides and took long strides toward Helen. “
Nee, I don’t think you are. But you were right. We care for each other more than either of us wanted to admit, and I realized that parting ways now would be easier than later.”
Helen hung her head and scratched her forehead before she looked back at him. “I am sorry you are hurting.” It sounded like Lucas made the decision. Maybe that had lessened the blow for her son. At least Natalie hadn’t stomped on his heart. But she couldn’t recall ever seeing Lucas this miserable.
“I’ll be all right.” He continued his trek to the house, and Helen wished she could wrap her arms around him, pray away his pain, and comfort him the way she had when he was a young boy. Only Abram was still at that age. Helen picked up a towel and reached into the pocket of her apron for a clothespin. She couldn’t coddle Lucas, but she could still try to pray away his pain.
* * *
Lucas poured himself a glass of iced tea and took it out on the porch to sit and think. He should probably help his mother with the clothes. He should probably join whoever was in the barn hammering something. He should probably do something other than just sit and drink iced tea. But his thumb still hurt, and he was worn out, although repairing the fence wasn’t the cause of his exhaustion. Natalie was.
He’d watched her for almost an hour. First, she’d talked with her mother and Moses, and then she’d spent time getting to know that crazy horse Moses had. It was mind boggling that she was able to pet the animal. Neither Lucas nor any of his brothers could get near him. But Natalie had leaned over the railing and slowly seemed to earn the animal’s trust. It started with a scratch on the nose, then she rubbed his mane, and with an abundance of patience, she’d stuck with it until she actually nuzzled that horse’s nose with her own.
He looked toward his mother and caught her flinching, so he set down the glass, shuffled across the yard, and reached for a towel.
“I can finish this, Mamm. Go rest your hip.” Lucas pinned one end of the towel to the line as he eyed what was left in the basket. It was almost full, but his mother had likely been doing laundry since daybreak. Lucas doubted his thumb hurt anywhere near as much as his mother’s hip.