by Beth Wiseman
“Nee, I won’t be shunned.” Lucas turned to Levi. “Be happy for us, mei bruder. We want to be together.”
In unison, Mary and Levi smiled, though both of their expressions looked forced. “Of course we’re happy for you,” Mary said without making eye contact with Natalie or Lucas.
Natalie was aware of the sacrifices Lucas would be making to be with her, but she’d wrongly assumed that it would be hardest on his parents. She looked at Levi, whose face was drawn as he moved food around on his plate. Mary still wouldn’t look up either.
But wouldn’t Lucas also be gaining things he’d never had? A chance to further his education if he chose to. He’d learn to drive and enjoy air-conditioning during the hot summers. He’d be able to watch television, have a cell phone without feeling bad about it, and listen to music. They could go to the movies together, and so much more. But as she looked back and forth between Mary and Levi, who couldn’t hide the sorrow in their expressions, Natalie realized something. Everything she’d just thought of—all the things Lucas would gain or be able to do—were just that, things, and all external. What about his heart?
She’d underestimated the transitions Lucas would have to make, including the most important one of all. He wouldn’t be able to attend the Amish worship services he loved. He’d asked her if they would go to church, but it wouldn’t be the same for him.
After studying each of their faces, she felt like an outsider again, and she excused herself to the bathroom.
She closed the door, put down the commode seat, and sat. Mary still hadn’t painted over the pink-and-red floral wallpaper. Natalie was glad because it was a reminder of Adeline. She wondered what advice Adeline would give her right now. Her lip trembled as she began to question her relationship with Lucas again, which usually didn’t happen when she was with him. She didn’t doubt their love for each other, but everything that went alongside that love was going to be a huge challenge for Lucas.
She asked the One who was guiding her steps. God, I want to do right by Lucas and all those I love.
One of Mary’s dresses was hanging on a hook on the back of the bathroom door, along with a black apron. Natalie gingerly removed both items, laying the apron on the toilet seat. She slipped the dark purple dress over her head and over her clothes, then put on the apron. She even pulled her hair into a bun on the top of her head, then stared at herself in the mirror.
When she was able to look past her black eye and swollen face, she imagined herself wearing this kind of clothing every day. Then she put herself in Lucas’s place and truly considered how he must be feeling about a complete lifestyle overhaul, just to be with her, and everything he was giving up. Maybe Natalie should be the one to convert to his ways.
As she stared at herself in the mirror, a tear slipped down her cheek. She didn’t even like to change the furniture around in her apartment. How could she overhaul her entire life to be with Lucas? Yet, he was willing to do it for her. What would she be giving up if she converted to Lucas’s way of life? She knew it would be all the things she’d just thought about—those external things—that Lucas would be gaining to be with her. Their hearts, their love and devotion to God, weren’t going to change no matter how they lived. Even as she considered giving as unselfishly to Lucas as he was prepared to give to her, fear and worry consumed her. If she’d learned anything lately, it was that fear and worry blocked the voice of God. She needed to hear Him more than ever right now. Perhaps the negative emotions had already taken over because she wasn’t hearing Him.
I’m sorry, God. I’m sorry, Lucas. I just can’t do it.
Natalie took off the apron and dress and hung the items back on the hook, dried her eyes, and went back to join the others.
* * *
Cecelia lost sleep Friday night, ignoring calls from Tom, and glad Moses didn’t have a phone. How was it that she was mildly involved with two men who weren’t right for her?
By the time she woke up on Saturday, she’d decided she wasn’t going to spend time with Tom anymore, not as long as he was living with Olivia. And she knew being kissy-kissy with Moses was playing with fire and would never work out. How familiar her advice to herself sounded. Natalie and Lucas had let things build to a point of no return. For once, Cecelia was going to do the right thing and tell Moses she was happy to continue working for him, but they could only be friends. Then she recalled how Natalie and Lucas started out as friends.
She got out of bed, shuffled to the kitchen, and pulled a bottle of vodka from the cabinet. Then she got a glass and filled it one-third full of orange juice. It wasn’t something she normally did, at least not recently. But these weren’t normal times.
After several long moments of staring at the bottle, she twisted off the top, then poured it down the drain. She wanted to turn her life around, and even though she was doing it slowly, she wanted to keep her stride moving forward, not backward.
She called Tom back Saturday afternoon and told him she had a migraine. They agreed to talk later, so Cecelia spent most of Saturday and Sunday in her bedroom with the blinds drawn.
Thankfully, by the time Monday came around, the headache was gone, and she was ready to get to Moses’s house. She needed to occupy her mind, so she set to writing checks for the people in the grocery bag after she recorded the deposit amounts Moses had written on the slip of paper. They were even more than the last deposits. She’d take the payments to the post office when she left.
She didn’t want to abuse her time at Moses’s house by being a slacker, so she rummaged around in the basement and found two cans of paint. She wouldn’t have been comfortable being paid for leaving early. Taking note of that, she smiled. A year ago, she was in such despair, she probably would have done just enough work to get by, left early, and taken the money.
As it neared three o’clock, she’d finished painting the small sewing room office and moved the things she could lift to the basement, giving her more space to work. It was a hot task, though, without any air-conditioning. She walked outside to get some fresh air, her jeans and white T-shirt splattered with the tan-colored paint. Cecelia wasn’t sure what she was going to do to stay busy for the next two weeks.
Jacob walked by in the distance and waved.
She went back inside and poured a glass of iced tea, then walked to the barn.
“I thought you might be thirsty.” Cecelia offered the glass to Jacob, glad she’d thought to bring him a drink. The boy was dripping in sweat. He finished filling a bucket with oats and accepted the tea.
“Danki,” he said after he caught his breath. “I mean, thank you.”
Cecelia knew what danki meant, but she just said, “You’re welcome.”
He gulped it all down at once. “I should have brought you a bigger glass.” She smiled. “There’s a pitcher on the counter in the kitchen and some ice in a cooler nearby. Just help yourself whenever you want.”
“Thank you.” He handed the glass back to Cecelia. “Looks like you’ve been painting.”
She looked down at her paint-splattered clothes. “Yeah, I have. I’m a messy painter.”
“Moses has been gone a lot lately.” Jacob leaned over to fill the next horse’s bucket with feed.
“More horse deals, but this time in Springfield, Illinois.”
Jacob stood and smiled. He was a cute kid, maybe about Natalie’s age. Although, several of Helen’s children looked to be about Natalie’s age. She must have stayed pregnant for years straight.
“That’s a long way to go for horses. How’s he gonna get them back here?”
“He didn’t say, but I guess he’ll have to rent one of those horse trailers and hire a driver who knows how to pull it.” Cecelia could feel sweat running down the back of her T-shirt. “I’m about done for the day, but help yourself to more tea if you’d like. Moses keeps his doors unlocked.”
Jacob nodded.
Cecelia went back to the house, closed the paint cans, and washed the brushes outside under water she had to pump. Af
ter she was back inside, she observed her work for the day. Tomorrow she’d do the trim.
She got her purse, reached around until she found her keys, and looked at her phone. No messages or texts from Tom. That was probably a good thing. At least for now. Not so long ago, Tom had consumed all her thoughts.
There were no lights to turn off when she left, and it always felt odd not to lock the doors, but Cecelia didn’t have a key anyway, and she supposed that was how it was done around here. Apparently, Helen kept a watchful eye on the place since she’d caught Cecelia and Moses’s little kiss outside.
It was good that he was gone for a while too. Cecelia needed this time to think. As she drove home, she wondered how Natalie was doing. Her phone was almost dead from not having a place to charge it at Moses’s house. She’d call her daughter later this evening.
* * *
Lucas went back to Natalie’s apartment Wednesday night. His visit before felt justified since she had been injured, and he’d wanted to make sure she was okay. But as she moved around the small kitchen, Lucas couldn’t get comfortable on the red sofa, and he could hear the TV on low in her bedroom. If he was going to be with Natalie, he would have to start getting used to it. But he was enjoying the air-conditioning.
“The chicken casserole is in the oven. It’s my mom’s recipe.” She sat next to him and covered her face. “Don’t look at me. I know I still look awful.”
He eased her hands away. “I fell in love with the person you are, not your looks. But you’ve always been beautiful. And your eye is starting to turn yellow, so it’s getting better.”
She reached up and touched her mouth.
“Your lip is better too.”
“I guess.” She rolled her eyes. “I love horses, but I won’t be getting on one again for a while.”
Lucas glanced at the framed pictures Natalie had hung on the walls. There was one with her mother at the beach and one with her father in the mountains somewhere. When they were married, Lucas would be able to record his life in photos too. Although, the word hadn’t come up yet, it seemed assumed for both of them. Maybe she was waiting for him to properly propose. When an Englisch man asked a woman to marry him, he gave her a ring, which was unlike how it was done in his community. He didn’t have the money for a ring, and he didn’t foresee having it for a while. He wondered how much that token of love meant to Natalie.
“My brother called today.” Her face lit up. “Remember, I told you Sean is in the army.”
Lucas nodded. “Ya, I remember.”
“I don’t hear from him very often. Mom talks to him more than I do, but this time he was calling to ask about her. He said she’d sounded different on the phone recently, better. I told him I thought it had a lot to do with her having a job and a sense of purpose.” She shrugged. “It’s only part-time, and I know she is still struggling for money, but it’s a start, and I’m proud of her.”
Lucas was glad Natalie and her mother were finding their way back to each other after her family went through the divorce, but he felt like he was losing his family. His mother barely spoke to him, and his siblings had distanced themselves—everyone but Hannah. At sixteen, Hannah had started her rumschpringe, and Lucas wasn’t sure much could get her down right now. Every teenager looked forward to that rite of passage when they would be allowed to venture out into the world a little.
Lucas wondered if he would always feel like an outsider within his own family. As he looked around Natalie’s apartment, he couldn’t imagine himself living here, but it would surely be all they could afford. He wondered again if they would ever have a farm. Would Natalie be happy tending to the land Lucas loved so much? And how much did it matter, as long as they had each other? They’d tried to stay apart, but only for three days. Lucas’s head started to throb.
“Are you okay?” Natalie touched his arm.
“Ya, sure.” He kissed her gently on the cheek. They’d talked about having a family someday, and her desire to do so had eased his mind, but there were still so many questions scrambling for answers in his mind.
* * *
Natalie looked at the man she loved, the man who had saved her life, the man she would hopefully be with forever. She couldn’t help but wonder if he would be happy with his new life when they married. She wondered if that was a worry they even needed to have right now. They hadn’t been seeing each other that long. Would they ease into the life they’d talked about by building the foundation, then adding to it over time?
“I can see the worry all over your face, Lucas.” She reached for his hand and squeezed. “I know we both have a lot to think about, but maybe we’d both feel better if we talk things through.”
He brought her hand to his lips and kissed it. “Ya, I have a lot on mei mind, about how this is going to work, but I’m committed to do whatever I need to because I can’t picture my life without you in it.” He paused. “But I bet you have questions racing through your mind too.”
Natalie was in love with Lucas, and she didn’t have any doubts about that, but she recognized that she was only nineteen. Mary and Levi hadn’t dated for long when they got married. Both told Natalie separately that they were one hundred percent sure of their commitment to each other, and they were both Natalie’s age. Was the fact that she was questioning their ages and how long they’d known each other a sign? Or was it because of all the restructuring in Lucas’s life that was forthcoming? Would he be able to adapt to the modernization without resenting Natalie down the line? Was their love strong enough to weather such a transition?
“How does a person know if they have the right kind of love that will last a lifetime? And, don’t say anything yet, because I don’t want you to think I doubt how much we love each other. But . . .” She gazed into his eyes. “I thought my parents had that kind of love and look what happened.”
Lucas leaned his head back against the couch, then scratched his chin. “I think that in an Amish family, since divorce isn’t allowed, there isn’t ever an escape route. You have to make it work through the good and the bad, no matter what. So, once you remove divorce as an option and accept that you will love your spouse forever, it makes you work harder to have a gut relationship.”
Natalie smiled. “Then, let’s take that wisdom into our own”—she paused, making note that they were still avoiding the word marriage—“into our own relationship. A never-give-up, work-hard-at-it, no-matter-what attitude.”
Lucas nodded, and they were quiet for a while.
“I sleepwalk.” He turned to her and grinned.
Even though Natalie knew about this from Mary, she smiled. “I hope you don’t go too far.”
He laughed. “Only if I’m sleeping somewhere besides mei own bed.”
Natalie wondered what Lucas’s bedroom looked like. Was it plainly decorated, like the rooms in most Amish homes? She knew he had converted the attic into his bedroom so he could have some privacy. What color was the quilt on his bed? How many lanterns did he use? Was he ever concerned about a fire starting?
From there, the questions filling her mind became even more random. She’d never heard him say he drank coffee. Does he? Would he do construction work when they got married? Would he build furniture with his brothers, even after he’d moved out? And when would that be? She knew they would never live together unless they were married. How was this going to work? Baby steps.
“I can see the wheels in your head spinning.” Lucas nudged her with his elbow. “But we can’t figure out everything right now. I think we will have to be like Mary and Levi and compromise.”
Natalie lowered her chin and sighed. “I feel like you will be making most of the changes, and I don’t ever want you to regret anything.” She thought of the way her parents had looked at each other toward the end of their relationship, and she didn’t think she could bear for Lucas to ever look at her that way. But this was the second time she’d told him she didn’t want him to regret anything. The first time he hadn’t responded. She held her
breath, needing to hear a response.
“The only thing I would regret is not being with you.” He spoke softly and with a tenderness Natalie had come to rely on. Lucas kept her grounded.
* * *
Lucas was scooting around the biggest issue, and for a future with Natalie to feel within his grasp, he wanted her to know how serious he was about being with her.
“What’s wrong? You’re fidgeting again.” She leaned her head against his shoulder.
He kissed her temple. “Just hungry.”
Lucas had a lot on his mind. He was overwhelmed by everything he would face to be in Natalie’s life. But being without her wasn’t an option. He swallowed hard. “I want to marry you, Natalie.” As his pulse calmed down, he felt like God was reaching out to him, pulling the fear from his heart, and telling him he was where he needed to be—even if it was in Natalie’s wild apartment with the red couch, TV, and electricity. “So, will you marry me? I don’t have a ring or—”
She squealed so loudly that Lucas’s ears rang.
“Yes, yes, yes!”
Lucas burst out laughing. Then she did too. Everything was going to be okay. God wouldn’t have led him down this path otherwise.
Chapter 15
Cecelia closed the paint cans and once again washed the brushes at the pump outside. It had been almost two weeks since Moses left, and she had repainted most of the inside of his house. It needed it, and it was the same color as before, so she hadn’t broken any Amish rules.
Moses had called twice from borrowed phones, and during their last conversation two days ago he’d said he might be gone a little longer than he thought. To Cecelia’s surprise, distance wasn’t making the heart grow fonder toward Moses. Tom was working hard to win back her heart, and it was almost working until he mentioned he’d fallen on hard times financially. Based on the way he told her, Cecelia believed Olivia was about to kick him out, and he would need a place to live. And apparently his buddy Stan wasn’t interested in a roommate.
She didn’t think he had expected her to read between the lines. She’d turned him down twice since he’d asked her to dinner. He’d gotten mad, and Cecelia remembered the way their marriage ended. After all this time, she was able to see Tom’s true colors a little clearer.