Separate Like Stars

by Diana Kane

  “If you never thought about me, then why are all of the villains in your books modeled after me?” she challenges, her jaw clenched and her voice even.

  “They’re not.”

  “Really? Then why are they all women, tall, lanky, and dark haired with blue eyes?” She waits for a response, but I don’t have one as I struggle to recall their names, much less their appearances. “It’s one thing to lie to me, another entirely to lie to yourself.”

  “I’m leaving,” I shout as I brush by her, an agitated Lexa watching the two of us, debating if she should follow me or remain with Olivia.

  “That’s right. Just run away when you know I’m right,” Olivia calls after my retreating form.

  “Fuck you,” I shout, before slamming the door behind me. Did my subconscious somehow manifest itself in my writing, modeling each villain after Olivia? Did it fight against my conscious decision to not think about her by attempting to let me know that thoughts of her were always there via character development?

  Curious and brimming with irritated anger, I make a beeline for my laptop as soon as I’m home and situated on the sofa with a cold beer. “Can’t even have a drink when I’m with her,” I mutter to Artemis and Apollo. I move to start opening the master files for each novel but redirect my focus to the web browser when I recall that I can’t even remember character names. I type in the search for my books and click on the Wiki page that will provide easy links to each of my titles. “Shit,” I mumble over an hour later when I’m forced to admit that she was right. She’s always been with me, even when I didn’t want her to be.

  Chapter 29

  The blaring of my cell phone causes me to jump and Artemis and Apollo to barrel off of the bed. A glance at the clock as I roll over reveals it’s 3:38 am. I retrieve my phone from the nightstand and discover that it’s my mom calling from one of the lines at work.

  “Mom?” I sleepily rasp before clearing my throat. I can hear the background noises that confirm she’s at work but I have no idea why she’s calling me at this hour.

  “Hello. This is Patti at Jupiter Falls Hospital. I’m trying to reach Jordan Cohen please,” the unfamiliar voice finally speaks from the other end of the line. I quickly sit upright in bed, dread tumbling through me as I realize something must be wrong.

  “This is Jordan. Has something happened to my mom?” I manage before going silent. I don’t think I’ve ever met Patti before, but I’m sure she can hear the panic in my voice.

  “Before I get into specifics, please know that Dana is stable. They are preparing to transport her to Waterford Memorial though, as it’s believed she is suffering from a severe case of endocarditis and a possible heart attack.” Patti’s words cause me to toss the sheets that had collected in my lap off and to quickly pace into the walk-in closet for something to wear. “Waterford Memorial is better equipped to care for her at this juncture, especially if she requires surgery.”

  “Surgery,” I murmur as my movements momentarily stutter. “If she’s conscious, please let her know that I’m on my way and that I’ll notify everyone,” I manage before I drag a clean shirt over my head.

  “I’ll try to catch her before the ambulance leaves. I may be speaking out of turn here, but please drive safe. It would destroy Dana if something were to happen to you.”

  “Thanks, Patti,” I say as I wipe away a tear that managed to escape and disconnect the call. I grab the first clean pair of sweatpants I can find as well as a hooded sweatshirt before pulling on a pair of socks and tennis shoes. My reflection draws my attention as I pass by the vanity, and I take a step back to assess my bedhead hair and overall disheveled appearance. “Patti said mom is stable,” I remind my reflection. “Take a deep breath and a few minutes to calm down before getting in the car.” I close my eyes and draw in a deep breath and slowly release it before repeating the pattern two more times. I open my puffy eyes and take in my reflection again, nearly laughing at the sight of my hair and unmatched clothes. Heading back into the closet, I pull off the sweatshirt I put on earlier and select a different one before heading to the bathroom to quickly brush my hair and teeth. Right, calm. Mom is stable. I need to remain calm, I remind myself as I squeeze a bit of minty fresh toothpaste onto my toothbrush.

  *****

  Mitral valve regurgitation, endocarditis, heart attack…little snips and phrases from my discussion with the cardiac surgeon play on repeat as I look at mom lying in her bed post surgery. Despite everything he told me and asking if I had any questions, I’m still not sure I understand what the hell happened. Mom is healthy. We go to yoga, she eats relatively well, maybe she doesn’t sleep enough, but she’s active and isn’t overweight. But looking at the woman in the bed, she’s like an alternate universe version of my mom. She seems frail and a bit grey in complexion. I can tell she has lost some weight, but I attributed it to going to yoga a few times a week. Now here she is with a tube coming out of her mouth, the beeping of her monitors a constant companion in the quiet room. Another tear slips down my cheek, and I try to wipe it away before whoever is coming through the door sees me, but given the look my Uncle Eddie is giving me, I don’t think I was fast enough.

  “We got you a coffee,” he says as he passes me the warm cup and presses a kiss to the top of my head.

  “Thanks,” I whisper as I reach out to squeeze his hand. Uncle Ryan enters the room and stands behind a sleeping Scott, but remains quiet.

  “Dr. Pratchett said they wouldn’t be taking the breathing tube out until sometime this evening. Why don’t you come back to the house with us for a while and get some rest?” Uncle Eddie coaxes me.

  “I’m gonna stay here, just in case,” I inform him as the nurse enters the room to check on my mom, the same routine she’s followed every hour since our arrival. She gives us all a reassuring smile as she charts my mom’s stats on the computer tucked away in the corner. Thankfully she has allowed us to ignore the two visitor maximum rule thus far.

  “Does anyone need anything? Water, coffee, or a blanket perhaps?” she inquires as her eyes settle on me. My uncles and I exchange a quick glance before Uncle Eddie assures her that we’re all set.

  “We’re going to go back to the house for a nap and showers,” Uncle Eddie eventually informs me. “Can we bring you anything when we return? Food or something?”

  “If you want to. I’m not sure I’ll be up for eating though.”

  “Dana is gonna get out of that bed and kick your ass,” Uncle Ryan warns me, causing Uncle Eddie and me to chuckle. “You have to take care of yourself. Dr. Pratchett said he is optimistic she is going to be all right.”

  “She’s as stubborn as Dana,” Uncle Eddie shares with Uncle Ryan. “Try to get some rest while we’re gone. We’ll bring you something to eat and more coffee when we come back in a few hours. Call us if anything changes before then,” Uncle Eddie eventually continues before leaning over to hug me. I catch Uncle Ryan leaving the room from over Uncle Eddie’s shoulder, and find it odd that he didn’t even say goodbye. He returns less than a minute later carrying a pair of blankets.

  “Put the footrest up and get some sleep,” he orders me as he passes the blankets to me. “She’s going to need you to be strong for the foreseeable future. I remember when my dad had his triple bypass surgery. He wasn’t as fit as Dana, but the recovery was still a lengthy one.”

  “I remember,” I share as I give him a faint smile. “If you bring me some food later, I’ll eat it. I’ll try to sleep while you’re gone. I feel like I need to stay here.”

  “We understand that,” he assures me with his smile. “Just know that you’re no good to her if you’re ill or exhausted.”

  “I’ll try to get some sleep,” I acquiesce, knowing that there will be little else for me to do until later this evening when they decide to remove the breathing tube. “Thanks for looking out for me while I lose it.”

  “Try not to lose it too much. As Dr. Pratchett said, she’s younger and quite healthy. She likely wouldn’t hav
e had an issue if she hadn’t had the endocarditis. She’ll get through this.”

  “Thanks,” I manage as I pull him into a hug and fight the urge to cry. “I’ll see you in a few hours.”

  “You will. What will Scott eat?”

  “He’ll eat pretty much anything, so far as I know.”

  “All right, we’ll be back in a bit,” Uncle Ryan says as he extends his hand to Uncle Eddie. The door quietly closes behind them as I settle back into the chair and situate the blankets over my lap. I watch my mom as a few rogue tears slide down my cheeks. It occurs to me then, if I feel this overwhelmed and terrified when dealing with a significant health scare, how must Olivia have felt after the death of her mother? While I’ve thought that I understood how it must have felt for her, I’m quickly realizing that I had no idea. Fuck, I silently admonish myself as my thoughts remain with Olivia. I haven’t spoken to her in nearly a month, the argument that transpired after our romp on her sofa still unresolved. I’m going to have to reach out to her, I think as I replay recent events in my head.

  *****

  I walk down the corridor to mom’s room a few days later, feeling refreshed after spending a night in my bed. I was reluctant to travel the hour home, but she insisted I get some proper rest and away from the hospital for a night. I tap on the door twice before pushing inside, the messenger bag of entertainment banging against my hip when my step falters at the sight of Olivia holding mom’s hand. I make a quick about-face to try to conceal my surprise and close the door, before moving into the room and situating myself on the far side of the bed.

  “I brought you your iPad and a few of your puzzle books,” I inform mom as I sit down opposite Olivia. “Hey,” I acknowledge her with a quick glance before turning my attention back to mom.

  “Hello,” Olivia replies. I chance a glance in her direction and detect a hint of sadness in her eyes. Mom looks between the two of us but mercifully remains quiet. I’m reasonably certain Olivia has kept as quiet as I have about what transpired between us, otherwise, I know mom would have said something.

  “How are you feeling?” I ask mom after a pregnant silence threatens to swallow the room.

  “Surprisingly good. Aside from the pain from having my chest cracked open, I think I feel better than I have in a while,” she responds with a broad smile. “Olivia was kind enough to accompany me on my stroll around the floor, which was nice.”

  “I’m happy to help in any way I can,” Olivia answers with a squeeze of mom’s hand. “I’ll see what heart-healthy recipes I can come up with for you over the next few days. I can bring you meals anytime.”

  “Are they discharging you?” I cut in, anxious that they could be sending mom home too soon.

  “Probably tomorrow,” mom answers as she continues to smile. “I’m fine. I feel good, my stats are all great, and I can breathe properly. They’ll keep me on the antibiotics, and I’ll check in regularly. Honestly, I’m ready for my bed and a good nights sleep where I won’t be disturbed by someone checking on me every hour,” she adds with a laugh. “I’ll be out of here the second they discharge me. Not a moment too soon either. You shouldn’t be fussing over me.”

  “I’m allowed to worry,” I practically pout.

  “Yes, you are. However, you aren’t allowed to put your life on hold for me.”

  “But—.”

  “No. Both of you listen to me,” she beings, adopting her don’t mess with me tone. “I know you’re worried, and I appreciate that. However, you both have lives to lead. I’m going to be fine. I’ll have a nurse out to check on me, and Scott and the girls will be around. You’re welcome to visit, but neither of you will be camping out on my couch.” Olivia attempts to stifle a chuckle and nearly succeeds, but it manages to sputter out at the last second.

  “Yes mom,” she answers once she’s stopped laughing. “Oh, sorry,” she apologizes as she glances at me.

  “What are you sorry for?” mom questions her, once again glancing back and forth between us. “I’ve never minded if you’ve called me mom. If you ever need anything, you know I’d be there.”

  “I know you would, and I love you for that,” Olivia says with an adoring smile. “I should leave you two alone though.”

  “What you should do is take my daughter with you when you leave. She’s barely seen the outside of this room since they admitted me.”

  “I would, but I don’t think she’d agree to it,” Olivia answers with a quick glance in my direction.

  “No, I don’t suppose she would,” mom replies. The look she gives me enough to let me know she knows something is off between Olivia and me. “Well, you can’t blame me for trying.”

  “I wouldn’t dream of trying to,” Olivia says as she stands up and plants a kiss on mom’s cheek. “Let me know when you get discharged or if you need anything. I’ll be in the city for a few more hours today, but would be happy to bring you something anytime. Maybe we can walk around the lake a few mornings a week, once you’re up for it.”

  “I’d like that,” mom answers. “Good luck running the meeting today. I know you’ve been preoccupied lately. I’m proud of you for staying on track.”

  “Life is always going to have curves and bumps. I can’t let them cost me my sobriety. As for the meeting, once it’s underway, it kinda runs itself. I’m just there to help moderate and make sure everyone feels like it’s a safe, judgment-free space.”

  “Well, I’m still proud of you.”

  “Thanks. I really do need to get over to the center though. I’ll message you later to see how you’re doing.”

  “All right. Say hello to Kirsten for me.”

  “Will do,” she agrees with a smile. “Jordan,” she says by way of dismissal, her smile fading a bit as sadness invades her eyes. I watch her as she turns and makes her way out the door, pulling it shut behind her. I can’t deny that I miss her. I miss talking to her every day and hanging out with her when she’s not tied up at du Pays. I miss the endless laughter that always seems to come with spending time with Olivia and our evening walks with Lexa. I didn’t realize it until a few minutes ago, but I quite simply miss Olivia.

  “You’re going to tell me what’s going on between the two of you,” mom informs me, drawing my attention away from the back of the door. “Jordan Elizabeth,” mom hauls out my middle name, her tone commanding my attention. I slowly turn to look at her, fighting against the tears that are willing themselves to be freed. “You slept with her, didn’t you?”

  “Yeah,” I confirm her suspicion with a whisper and glance at my feet.

  “And?”

  “She thought it meant we were back together.”

  “I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess it didn’t mean that to you.”

  “I didn’t plan for it to happen…it just happened. Then she was so hopeful. It’s not that I don’t care about her, I do, it’s just…” I trail off as fear and panic war for dominance. Verbalizing that I feel something for Olivia is beyond frightening because somewhere in my mind I’m convinced that admitting my feelings makes them real.

  “You’re scared she’s going to break your heart again.”

  “Yeah,” I answer, even though she wasn’t asking a question. “It’s been a month. She didn’t tell you?”

  “She didn’t. What does Kira have to say?”

  “I haven’t told her. Given that she hasn’t called to chew me out, I’m going to assume Olivia hasn’t said anything to her either. I don’t know what to do.” Mom’s fingers brush over my cheek as she looks at me, but remains uncharacteristically quiet. “Are you going to say something?”

  “You’re back. You stagnated, but you’re back,” she offers with a faint smile.

  “What?”

  “What happens to water in the winter?”

  “It freezes,” I answer, completely baffled by the odd segue.

  “Water without a current freezes,” she agrees with a nod. “But a river, that’ll defy all logic, and even in some of the coldest
weather, the current will keep it from freezing. You’re the water. After Olivia broke your heart, you stopped feeling. You stagnated. I was so worried you’d never allow yourself to thaw; that you’d happily remain emotionless forever But now you’re feeling again, and that scares the shit out of you, doesn’t it?”

  “I think your meds have made you loopy,” I offer up about her metaphor with a laugh. “And I’m pretty sure that isn’t why rivers don’t freeze in the winter. But to answer your question, it terrifies me.”

  “So you do care about her.”

  “What makes you think that?”

  “Because you allowed Addison to do whatever she wanted to, with whomever she wanted to. I don’t think it ever really bothered you aside from the public humiliation. However, this thing with Olivia…I can tell that it’s eating you alive.”