Wildflowers and Lace

by Caitlin Ricci

  “Yeah. I’m going to go get a little work done.”

  He grinned. “More work on the boinking website?”

  Laughing, I shooed him away. That wasn’t quite what the website I was working on was all about, but a good portion of it was. Sheila, a woman who was well known in some circles as being one of the best paid actresses in trans woman porn, had decided to step behind the cameras and expand her brand the year before. She’d come to me to manage her website, though why I had no idea. I’d certainly never done any work on a porn site before, but maybe I’d been on a short list of trans people she might have considered working with. Either way, it was good money and I got to work from home.

  I grabbed myself a glass of red wine and stepped out of my boots, which had a little heel to them. I was blessedly just about five-five so having any kind of a heel didn’t make me unusually tall for a woman. I was getting better at walking in them, too. They only hurt a little now.

  I took off my dress as well. It would need to be dry cleaned, so I hung it over the back of the vanity chair in my bedroom. That just left me in my spandex bottoms and a bra with inserts. Looking in the mirror, I could almost pretend that this was actually my body when I had them on. Someday I would be comfortable being naked, and I’d look at myself and not see all the parts of me that didn’t belong on my body, but that wasn’t right now. So even though the underwire was digging into my armpit, and even though my thighs were chafing, I put on a pair of crushed velvet lounge pants and a tank top and sat down at my desk to work.

  I had lots of emails to catch up on, and I did those first before I got into expanding Sheila’s website, just in case she wanted anything changed or added today that was different from what we’d talked about yesterday. There was one new email from her, but it was hardly what I would call important.

  Lyssa, sweetie, she wrote, I’ve got a new actor and I think you’d look great with him. Let me know. It wouldn’t have to be anything too major. You could leave on whatever lingerie you are comfortable in. Just a blowjob scene. You know I pay well.

  I shook my head. She was always looking for new talent, and that was great, but I wasn’t going to be one of the models in her videos. I wasn’t nearly that comfortable with myself. She could say how good I looked all she wanted, I didn’t believe it.

  On the other hand, working for her in a more lucrative capacity would supply me with the much-needed, short-term financing for the surgeries I wanted. Right now working on her website, and a few others that I managed as well, paid my bills and a little extra each month, but it was going to take me a long time to be able to afford breast augmentation. The doctor I had a quote from said I would need about seven thousand, and that was on the low end of an estimate for him. I’d shopped around, and he was about the middle of the price ranges, but I felt the most comfortable with him. The cheapest guy hadn’t even used my correct pronouns.

  I’d done the math, and I could afford to get breasts of my own in about a year, assuming I scrimped as much as I could and cut back on a lot of my entertainment costs. Which I had already done. Renting a room in Dion’s apartment was already saving me a ton over having my own place. I could wait a year. I really could.

  Sometimes, though...sometimes I thought it would be nice to look down and not see inserts. Sometimes I had dreams where I was walking along the lake in a pair of shorts and a bikini top and getting a tan. And then I’d wake up and I’d have a flat chest and I’d want to cry.

  Still, a year wasn’t so bad. I could handle it. I didn’t need to be one of Sheila’s models just to be able to have breasts of my very own, as tempting of an idea as it was.

  Sheila, you know I’m not going to do it. Thank you though. I’ll have the newest updates to the website ready for you tomorrow. Lyssa

  There. Maybe that would help her realize I wasn’t interested right now. I put the emails aside and focused on her website. It had multiple parts, but all under the same domain. There were the sexy clothing and toys, the porn movies that were behind individual usernames and passwords, and finally the hook up side.

  It should have been three separate domains. She could have had banners advertising each of them on their sister sites, but that wasn’t Sheila’s way. She wanted to be one stop for all sexy trans needs, and I admired her for that, even if I thought it was a little much for one domain.

  I was expanding the clothing side of things, adding in more items that weren’t gender specific. Sheila could have easily done this. I’d shown her how many times. But she was busy directing scenes and scouting for new talent, so I had a folder full of descriptions and product images to upload and categorize. As I worked, I also made a list of things I wanted for myself off to the side. The boy shorts with the rainbow sugar skulls? Yes please. The tank top with the giant lips and the vampire teeth peeking through? I could definitely wear that. I didn’t get a discount working for Sheila, but I had a little bit budgeted for new clothes, and the tank top and the underwear would be under twenty with shipping. I could handle that.

  A few hours later, my wine glass was empty and I was done with the first round of updates to her site. I had a few more things to add in, but I needed to get up and stretch so I decided to take a break.

  It was probably way too soon to text Cindy. No, it was definitely too soon. I wanted to be friendly, not look like I was an obsessive person who had no friends and was desperate for female company. I decided to wait to text her until the morning.

  Chapter Four

  Cindy

  Maybe it was weird that I spent so much time with my ex’s family. Maybe it wasn’t though, since most of why I was there had to do with Kyle. But they hadn’t always been supportive of him. I remembered the dark looks, the awkward silences, and the general unease that had come when Gavin and I had first announced that we were pregnant, keeping our baby, and getting married. I was a senior in high school with a baby in my arms and a husband I loved.

  His parents were horrible about it, but they had been wrong about a lot of things. That had been before the boys had inherited the farm. Back when the opinions of Gavin’s parents had meant anything to either of us.

  But now my kid was almost sixteen and his uncle Cameron was giving him a riding lesson. I liked Cameron. He was good with horses and liked to train up the ones who people had basically ignored. He’d never been all that fond of young horses, but I knew he had plenty of older horses that he was working with. He sold them for good money, too.

  Kyle liked riding. I liked petting the horses. I rode sometimes, but not as often as I had when I’d been a teenager. Now I just watched him ride while I sat in a plastic lawn chair drinking some of Cameron’s sweet iced tea.

  My phone beeped and I switched from the game I was playing to my messages. I saw a new one from a number I didn’t recognize.

  Hey. This is Lyssa. Would you like to go out this week?

  I smiled as I texted back to Lyssa. She seemed like a nice woman, and I desperately needed some new friends, especially other women. I could take Kyle shopping for a new skirt for myself, or drag him along to get a massage, but he would hate that. He would pout most of the time if not all of it, and I would have a horrible time too. No, it was much better to do those things with someone who could actually appreciate them. Are you into girly stuff at all? I was going to go shopping for a new skirt for work. Company would be great. We could get coffee too. I hoped that didn’t sound too pushy. I was horrible at friendships. They’d been so easy when I was younger, but now I had no idea how to go about having friends. I was friendly with the other people in the office, but most of them were older than me and they became really judgmental when I talked about how old my son was. I saw their minds turning as they tried to guess my age and then realized that yes, I’d been a pregnant teenager and was therefore apparently not worth an invite to their book club.

  Lyssa’s text back was quick. I’d love that. I’ve been looking for some new shoes.

  Finally. A f
riend who I could go shoe shopping with. There’s a few discount stores in Mountain Home, right on Jefferson. There’s a coffee shop right there in that shopping center too. Do you know where I mean?

  Yes I do. I work from home so my schedule is pretty open.

  She was so lucky, then. I would never get out of my pajama shorts if that was the case. I would probably throw out most of my bras too. I’m off Tuesday. Would you be free about ten? Meet for coffee first?

  For sure. It’s a date.

  Clothes shopping and coffee is a much better date than I’ve had in a long time, I texted back. That sounded like a pretty amazing date actually. Too bad none of my dates actually went like that.

  Me too. I’ll see you then.

  I looked up as Cameron came over to sit down next to me in his own lawn chair. “You look happy.”

  I beamed over at him. “I am. I’m going on a date with a friend to go get a new skirt.”

  Cameron cringed. “You do that. My dates involve less skirts and more pizza, but you do whatever makes you happy.”

  I started laughing, and then he was there right along with me.

  Chapter Five

  Lyssa

  There were probably stores where a woman like me could go shopping and not get stared at by everyone, but I hadn’t found one yet. I’d gone to a department store shortly after coming out, and the experience had left me in tears right away. I wasn’t some sideshow attraction, I’d just wanted a pair of slacks. Since then I’d only shopped online.

  I’d been apprehensive about shopping with Cindy given that prior experience, but she made it all so easy. We were both in the same section, both browsing through the racks full of discount clothes. Me in sweaters, her in skirts. She’d hold something up to herself, frown, shake her head, and move on. I started to get into that habit too, though most of what I was finding I was also loving. My little cart was quickly becoming full, and the prices made me love them even more.

  Finally Cindy had three skirts and a couple blouses to try on. I’d found a dress I wasn’t sure would look good on me, and normally I would have just put it back, but I wanted to give it a chance. With Cindy there I had the confidence to actually go into the women’s fitting rooms.

  “Five for me please,” she said as we got to the fitting room counter. The woman handed her a little plastic door hanger then looked to me.

  “Just one please.”

  I waited as she looked at my full cart, then back at me.

  “You’ll have to leave the rest out here with me then.” She handed me the door hanger.

  “Thank you.”

  I was a little wobbly as I followed Cindy into the dressing area. “That wasn’t so bad.”

  “Yeah, they’re normally pretty nice as long as you’re not trying to steal their stuff.” She found an empty room. “See you in a minute. Let me know if you need help or anything. I bet that dress is going to look so great on you. You don’t have the stomach pouch that I do.”

  She’d had a kid though, and I thought that little curve was beautiful on her. I smiled at her as she disappeared behind a door. And I chose the room across from hers. A few minutes later I knew I’d made a mistake on the little dress. It was dark red, and fell just below my knees. The cut was nice on top, but I was very much a rectangle, and the dress was fitted, showing that I had no hips to speak of and my waist didn’t taper at all. I frowned at myself and wondered why I had even bothered to think this kind of thing would have looked good on me.

  “Lyssa?” Cindy called out to me.

  “In here,” I called back. I sounded miserable.

  She came and knocked on the door, I opened it a little. “I hate it,” I told her. But that wasn’t the truth. I didn’t hate the dress. I hated how I looked in it. I actually really liked the dress.

  Cindy pulled the door aside a bit and looked me up and down. “What don’t you like?”

  “I look like a red rectangle.” It was true. I did.

  “A shaper would take care of that. One second.”

  She disappeared before I could tell her that I already had one on. It only went up to my belly button though and it did nothing to take my sides in. I closed the door and sighed. A minute later a black spandex shaper was tossed over the door.

  “There, try that on. It’s the long kind that goes up to your boobs and has straps that go over your arms. After I had Kyle I wore that kind everywhere. I was so ashamed of my post-baby belly. But I was also a lot more self-conscious back then. High school tends to do that. Let me see you when you get it on.”

  I didn’t have much faith in it, but I took the dress off, slid the shaper she’d grabbed for me over my other one, and pulled it up my arms. She’d guessed my size, and she’d been about right. And amazingly, it did help. It wasn’t a huge improvement. I wasn’t wearing a corset, after all. But I had a waist. I had some hips. And I had a little definition between them. I put the dress back on and smoothed my hands over my sides.

  “Well?”

  I laughed and opened the door to let her see me. “What do you think?”

  “I think you look great.”

  I kind of thought so as well. “Thank you for getting me one of those.”

  She shrugged. “No problem. They’ve got lots of colors if you want to grab more.”

  I ended up getting six more of them before we left the store.

  We got coffee after, though we’d grabbed a quick cup before shopping as well. That had been more about standing in line, getting our drinks, then walking to the store. My small cappuccino was gone before we’d ever started shopping. This second cup was about sitting down together in front of an electric fireplace and actually talking.

  “I’m really glad we could get together today,” Cindy said as one of the baristas brought over our coffees and the scones we’d decided to split.

  “Me too.”

  I sipped my coffee and then caught myself smiling at her. She hadn’t given me an indication that this would be anything more than a fun day between friends. But she was so kind and so easy to be around, and I found myself attracted to her, regardless of how smart it was. I didn’t even know how to approach that subject with her, though. We hadn’t met on a dating app. This wasn’t a hook up. She was a nice woman who I wanted to be friends with. That should be enough. I didn’t have to be attracted to the first woman I’d really connected with since coming out.

  Unfortunately, that was exactly what was happening. I fell over her little smiles and the fact that she smelled like vanilla extract, like she’d been baking cookies all day, but it was probably just her perfume.

  I decided, right at that moment, that now that I was going to be out I wanted to be honest early on about who I was, and my past. Even if Cindy and I were never anything more than friends who got coffee together and shopped for gorgeous dresses, I wanted her to know. The coffee shop was fairly quiet, and we were both relaxed. At least I was. She looked like she was too.

  “So...I...uh...I have something to tell you,” I slowly began.

  She frowned at me. “What is it?”

  “I’m trans. I was assigned male at birth.”

  She didn’t blink. She didn’t frown. She didn’t get upset. She just smiled at me. “Are you free for a movie next weekend? We could go see a movie, get some dinner...” Cindy shrugged, and I was left wondering what she was thinking.

  “Did you actually hear what I said?”

  “Did you really think it would matter to me what some doctor said you were as an infant based on your anatomy? I like you, Lyssa. I’m not easily shooed away by what’s under your skirt.” She actually looked a little hurt that I’d thought that anything else might have been possible.

  She sipped her drink while I let that sink in. If this had been a date I would have kissed her right then. Since this wasn’t a date, though it would have been nice if it was, I didn’t kiss her. I just smiled at her. “Thank you.”

  That night I coul
dn’t stop smiling. It wasn’t a date coming up and it hadn’t been a date today, but I’d met a woman who I was attracted to that didn’t care what anatomy I’d been born with.

  “You seem happy,” Dion said as he leaned over and bumped his shoulder against mine. It was a rare moment where he didn’t have to go to work and could just sit and watch TV with me on the couch.

  “I really like her.” There was no use in not telling him that. I was sure that he could see how obvious it was anyway.

  Dion laughed. “Hopefully she’s into you then too.”

  I highly doubted it, at least not like I’d hoped she was, but I could still daydream about maybe starting something with her.

  Chapter Six

  Cindy

  The next Sunday Lyssa and I decided to meet at my house. There was no point in both of us driving to go see a movie after all, especially when my house was on her way to the theater. I’d cleaned the townhouse well enough, but it still looked like a teenager spent half his life there, and I was acutely aware of the gym-bag smell coming from Kyle’s bedroom that I was sure everyone but my son noticed.

  I’d decided to dress up a little. Well, as dressed up as I ever got. A nice sweater, a flowy skirt, and heels that were barely more than flats. I’d worn lipstick, though it was just a light tint. It wasn’t a date, but I still wanted to look nice for going out with a friend.

  When I opened the door to Lyssa, I was glad that I’d made the effort, because so had she. A simple dress, makeup a little heavier than mine, and a delicate gold necklace. She looked really good too.

  She stepped toward me for a hug, which I welcomed from her. I felt like I’d known her for a lot longer than I had, and she was quickly becoming a good friend to me.

  Lyssa kissed my cheek. I brushed it off, and she looked surprised at what she’d done. Women kissed each other’s cheeks all the time.