Thedayinwhich,notreallyknowinghow,Ireturnedhome,thefirstthingIfeltwascold,even thoughIwascoveredbymycozyduvetthatIhadboughtinLondon.Aswellasaterriblehead ache.Iheldthehandthatwasaroundmywaist,thinkingthatitwasMark’sbutwhenIturned aroundIsawStuart’ssleepingface.IgotupquicklyandrantowardMatt’sbedroom...hewas sleeping in his bed, as adorable as I remembered. I bent down and with tears in my eyes I strokedhissmallandbeautifulface.Icouldn’tbelievewhatwashappening...Wasitadream?
WhenIwokeup,wouldMattstillnotexistandIwouldbebackinKutztown?Ipinchedmyself.
Ithurt.Iwasawake.Iwasalive.Mattopenedhiseyes,lookedatmeandsmiled.
“Isitmorningalready?”Heasked,rubbinghiseyes.
“Yes,sweetheart...it’smorning.”
“DoIhavetogotoschool?”
“I’mafraidso...Whatdoyouwanttotakeforlunchtoday?”
“Cupcakes!”
“Ipromisethatwe’llmakecupcakesthisweekend.”Ireplied,notevensurewhattheday was.Ifeltdisorientatedandthenoiseofthetrafficoutsidetheapartment’swindowsbothered me.
Matt got up and I hugged him. Tightly, very tightly... until he pulled away from me and, sighing,toldmethathewastoogrownupformetohughim.
“Sweetheart, one day, you’ll understand that you’re never too old for you mother to hug you...”Isaid,rememberingmymotherwiththehopeofseeingheragain.Hopingthat,inthis world,shewasstillaliveor,betteryet...thatthegoddamncancerhadnotinvadedherbody, causingherapainfuldeath.
Matt,likethebigboyheconsideredhimselftobe,wenttothebathroombyhimselfwhileI happilywentintothekitchentomakebreakfast.Ifelthappy...butthousandsofquestionsflew aboutmymind.WhathadhappenedtoBonnie?Hadsheregrettedheractionsandcancelledthe spell?Iwouldneverfindout...Iwouldneverseeheragain.TheimportantpartwasthatIhad gottenmylifebackalthoughnowIhadtostarttomakedecisionsanddrasticallychangemylife withoutknowingwhatwouldhavebecomeofmeifIhadnevergone.MyfeelingstowardMark werestillthesameasthoseinthatlifethatIhadfoundmyselfinwithoutwantingorexpecting it... The last thing I remembered about him was his embrace when we were in bed, his goodnightKissandhiswisewordsinmyworkshop: “Tomorrow is another day, Nora. Life canchangeinamatterofseconds.”
IhadmadehimapromiseandIwouldkeepit,eventhoughhe,inaplacethatIstilldidnot know,wouldnotremember.
Stuartmanagedtogetridofhischaracteristiclazinessandgetoutofbed.Withahalf-smile andaquicklooktowardme,heheadeddirectlyovertotherefrigeratorforabottleofwater.
Hesatdown,rubbedhiseyesandpickedupapieceoftoastthatIhadmade.
“Are you not even going to say good morning?” I asked. It was like I was looking at a stranger.
“Today’snotgoingtobeagooddayforyou,isit?”
“Why?”
“Youhavetomaketheannouncement.”
“Whatannouncement?”
“What’s wrong with you, Nora? You’re acting strange. Today is the day that you have to announce that ten thousand employees are going to be fired. Bad news for them but... we’re goingtobemegarich.”Hesaid,laughing.
Ididn’twanttogothroughthatagain.Ididn’twanttenthousandpeopletobeleftwithouta job.Ithoughtabouttheirfamilies,theirchildren...andmyheartbrokeintwo.Iwasfuriousat Stuartforbeingsotactlessandambitious.IthoughtaboutthetwomonthsthatIhadspentinmy workshop,withmypaintings,happyamongthecolorsthathelpedmetobringloadsofblank canvasestolifethatmadeeverybodywholookedatthemhappy.ThatwaswhatIwanted.To paintandmakepeoplehappy,thosewhovaluedwhatwasbehindeachpainting.AndIwanted to meet Christine, to make her my right hand girl and friend for my artistic and creative journey.
“No.”Ireplied.“Therehastobeanotherwaywithoutushavingtofiresomanypeople.I refusetomakethatannouncementbecause...Iquit,Stuart.”
“What?”Hispeachmarmaladecoveredtoastfelltothefloorand,justlikeMurphy’sLaw stated,itfellfacedown,coveringthefloorwithmarmalade.
“I quit. I’m leaving my job. From this moment on, I am no longer the executive vice president of your father’s Company and...” I stared at him, studying his surprised look in his blueeyesthathaddrivensomanywomencrazy.“Stuart,doyouloveme?”
“Nora,it’sseveno’clockinthemorning...”
“Idon’tcare.Doyouloveme?”
Matt walked into the kitchen, proudly showing us that he had cleaned his teeth all by himself;completelyunawareofhisparent’sproblems.Blessedinnocence...Itwasashameit didn’tlastlong,lifewouldbesomuchbetterwithit.
“I’vecleanedmyteethbymyself.”Hesaidhappily.
“ThatdeservesanextrabigKiss!”Iexclaimed,hugginghimagainandkissinghim.
“Mom,stop!”
“Okay!ButIwantmorelater...Ihavemadetoast,howmanydoyouwant?”
“Twoplease.”
“Okay.Twoslicesforthemosthandsomeboyinthehouse.”
Stuartcontinuedtostareatme,surprisedbytheunexpectednewsIhadgivenhim.
“I’lltakeMatttoschooltoday.I’mnotgoingtowork,Stuart.I’llcallyourfatherlaterand tell him that I quit. And on the other subject...” I said, looking at Matt lovingly. “We’ll talk later.”
Stuartnoddedand,asifhedidn’tcareintheslightesthowIfelt,hewentintothebedroom togetdressed.Fifteenminuteslater,heleftthehousewithoutsayinggoodbye.
“Ithinkit’stimethatyouandIwenttoschool!”IsaidtoMatt,ticklinghim.
“Mom!You’rebeingreallyannoyingtoday!”
IbentdowninfrontofhimandIcouldseeinhiseyesjusthowmuchhelovedme.Hehad alwaysbeenwithme,evenintheworldwherehehadnotexisted.
“Iloveyouvery,very,verymuch...youknowthat,right?”
“Iloveyoutoo,mom.”Hesaid,feelingembarrassed.
“YoushouldneverfeelembarrassedtosayIloveyou.Itissomethingthatweshouldsayto eachothereveryday,evenifwetakeitforgranted.Understand?”
“Yes,mom.”
“Thentellmeeveryday.Ilovetohearit.”
“Okay.Iloveyou,Iloveyou,Iloveyou...”Atthatmoment,itwasMattwhohuggedme.I thoughtaboutmymomagainandhowmuchIwantedtoseeher...tohavetheopportunitytobe withher,eventhough,thistime,eighteenyearshadpassedandourrelationshipwastough.
AftertakingMatttoschool,IwentforawalkinCentralPark,feelingfree.Ithadbeena longtimesinceIfeltlikethat...withnoobligations,withoutatiresomejob...notcaringatall what was to become of me, of my future. I sat down on a bench and called my mom. It was lovelytohearhervoiceagain...tofeelhercloseeventhoughshewasn’twithme.Toknowthat shewasalive,knowingthatIhadanotherchance.
“Mom...”
“Nora!Sweetheart...”Shestartedcrying.AndIfollowedsuit.
“Mom,I’msosorry.I’msoverysorry.Alloftheseyears,Idon’tknowwhattosay...”
“I haven’t acted too well either, Nora. I pulled away from everything, even you. But for sometime,Ihaven’tbeenabletothinkaboutanythingelsethanseeingyou.”Sheadmitted,as happyasatthebeginning.“AndIwanttomeetmygrandson.Please,Iwanttomeethim...”
“Andyouwill.We’regoingtogotoKutztownthisweekendtoseeyouand...whoknows.”
Isaid,thinkingaboutthepossibilityofgoingbacktomyhometowntolive.Ofredoingmylife alongsidemyson,hopingthatS
tuartwouldmakethingseasyforme.
“You’vemademesohappy,Nora.ThereissomuchIwanttotellyou...”
“Areyouokay?”Silence.Silenceonthephoneusuallywasn’tgood.“Mom?”
“No,Nora.I’mnotokay.ButIwouldprefertoseeyouandtellyouinperson.”
When I hung up the phone, fear overcame me. I didn’t know if I was capable of going throughtheexperienceofwatchingherleaveagain.Towatchhowshesufferedandtwistedin pain.But,sometimes,hopeandhappinessismuchmorepowerfulthanfearanditwasworth goingthroughallofthatagain,ifthatmeantIcouldhugheragain.Minuteslater,Michaelcalled me. I didn’t speak throughout the entire conversation I simply listened to him shouting at me from the Caribbean, reproaching me on my unexpected and inadequate resignation from the company.AtleastIwashearingthevoiceofsomebodywho,intheotherworld,haddied...and Ihadfeltbad,deepdown,Icaredformycurrentfather-in-law-WhenIhungupthephone,with asmileonmylips,IdialedMark’snumber.Butitwasn’thisnumberinthisworld.Iwandered around the streets of New York, looking at the sullen and unhappy faces of the passers-by...
hopingtoseeMark’sfaceamongthem...ButIhadnosuchluck.Onthisoccasion,Iwouldn’t havecrossedthesidewalktoavoidgreetinghim,onthecontrary...Iwouldhavecrossedthe street,puttingmyownlifeindanger,justtobeinfrontofhim.
Stuart arrived home at four in the afternoon. Taking advantage that Matt was distracted watchingthetelevision;welockedourselvesupintheoffice.Helookedatmereproachfully, bothdisappointedanddisillusioned.
“It’sbeenahorribledayattheoffice.”Hesaiddrily.
“Areyougoingtofiretenthousandpeople?”Iasked,worried.
“That’ssomethingthatyoudon’thavetoworryaboutnow.”Hesaid,coldly.
“Okay...RegardingthequestionIaskedyouthismorning.Canyouanswerme?”
“Whatdoyouwantmetosay,Nora?”
“Thetruth.There’sanotherwoman,Stuart.I’veknownforsometime.”Isaid,hewalked aroundtheroomlookingdownatthefloor,embarrassed.
“I’msorry.”
“Whoisit?”Iwantedtoknow.Mysmileconfusedhimevenmore.
“Whyareyousmiling?”
“Because I’m happy that you have somebody to share your life with, Stuart.” I said honestly. But I was also happy because it would make things easier. How had I not realized earlier?WhydidithavetobeBonniewhohadmademeseethatmylifeandrelationshipwith Stuartwerejustlies?
“Aboutfourmonthsago,ImetupwithPatricia.Doyourememberher?”
“HowcouldIforgether?”Ilaughed.
“Wemetforacoffee,justasfriends,but...somethinghappened.I’msorrythatIliedtoyou and I don’t want to hurt you, Nora... You’re the mother of my son, you have been a very importantpersoninmylife,I...”
“You don’t have to say anything else, Stuart.” I interrupted him. “I’m happy for you and hopethatallgoeswell.”
“Whatareyougoingtodo?”
“Signfordivorce.I’mleavinghere.IwanttogobacktoKutztown,Stuart.Mymotheris verysickandsheneedsme.I’llbetakingMattwithme,ofcourse.”Isaid,Stuartnodded,his gazeabsent.
“Ifeelreallybad.IwantyoutoknowthatIlovedyou.Ilovedyouverymuch.”
“AndIlovedyou.Butit’sokay,Stuart.Honestly...we’refreetomakeourowndecisions, thatiswhatmakeslifeinterestingandwhatleadsuseachtoourownfate.”
“I’mgladyou’retakingthissowell.I’llspeaktomylawyertodaytogetallthepaperwork prepared.”
“ThehardpartwillbetellingMatt...”
“True.It’sallhappeningsofast,evenforus.”Hesaidwithasadsmile.
“Bytheway,howisPatricia?Whatdoesshedonow?”
“She’saneditor.”Hereplied,Isawthelight.
“Iwouldliketoseeher.”
“Really?”
“Invitehertodinner.”
“Haveyougonemad?”
“Notatall.We’llorderChinesefood,shelovesit.Inviteher.”Iinsistedhappily.
“Okay...”Stuartreplied,confused.“Youdon’twanttohitheroranything,doyou?”
“Don’tbesilly...Ofcoursenot!”Iexclaimed,laughingatthemerethought.
He called Patricia and then his lawyer. We would be able to sign for our divorce the followingweek.Quick,easyandwithnoresentment.WiththemoneyIhadleftover,Icould liveinKutztowncomfortablyfortherestofmylife;butIknewperfectlywellwhatIwantedto do... I wanted to paint. Among many other things, I wanted to get back to my workshop and start working. The hardest moment was when we told Matt. I was hurt by the possibility of Mattsufferingbecauseofus.Weweregoingtotearhisworldandeverythinghewasusedto apart. But, once again, he proved that I should be proud of him. Acting completely natural, despitetheunforeseeablesituation,heunderstoodwhatwashappeningandhowitwasgoingto affecthisimmediatefuture.
“Thisdoesn’tmeanthatwedon’tloveyou,Matt.Weloveyoumorethanourownlives.”I said to him. “But, sometimes, adults have their own problems and differences, do you understand?”
“Yes.MyFriendsLaura,Pam,Jack,Steve,Paul,Brad...”
“Okay, okay... all of those kids.” Stuart cut in, knowing that the list of names was most probableendless.“Whataboutthem,Matt?”
“Alloftheirparentsareseparated.Andthat’sokay.Theystillseetheirparentsandtheyget waymorepresents.”Mattcontinued,withsurprisingmaturity.
“Youwon’tbegettingmorepresents,Matt;you’llstillgetthesameamount.”Isaid.
I had never wanted to spoil him. I never smothered him with gifts, even though I could afford it. My wish was for Matt to grow up being a person who valued effort and the little thingsinlife.
“Also,Ihavesomenews.”Icontinued.“Thisweekend,we’regoingtogotoKutztownfor you to meet your grandma. She’s not very well and would really like to meet you. And in January...”Icontinued,lookingatStuartandwaitingforhisnodofapproval.Icouldseehow hiseyesfilledwithtears.“YouandIaregoingtolivethere.Youwilllovetheschoolit’smuch smallerthantheonehereinNewYork,but...”
“Okay,mom.I’llgoanywhereifit’swithyou.”Matt’swordshurtStuart,buttheymademe thehappiestpersonalive.“Willyouvisit,dad?”
“Every weekend, son. We will only be two hours away from each other... and you know thatmycarcanfly.”
“That’sgreat,dad.”
StuartandIlookedateachotherhappily.Iknewthatitwasgoingtobehardforhimtobe awayfromhisson,thatitwouldbehardjustseeinghimatweekends...butIknewStuartwell.
I knew how much he wanted to live the single life he had lived when he was a model. He lovedthat life and,even though heloved Matt dearly, Icould still rememberthe look on his facethedaythatIhadtoldhimIwaspregnant...ItwasasifIhadcuthiswings.
Athalfpastsix,PatriciaarrivedandtheChinesefoodwasonitsway.Cautiousandscaredat whatshewasgoingtoencounter,shedidn’tlookatallliketheconfidentandsexywomanshe hadbeenintheotherworldalongwithherfavoritewriter.Shedidn’tevenknowhowtogreet me,andsoitwasIwhotookcontrolofthesituation.Ihuggedher.
“Howareyou?It’sbeensolong...”Isaid.
“Nora,it’sincrediblehowyou’vetakenthisnews.”
“Well,Ididstealhimfirst...Nowit’syourturn.”Iwinkedather.“AndIwishyouboththe best,honestly.I�
�vealreadytoldStuart.I’mgoingbacktoKutztown.”
“Kutztown?”Patriciaasked,shocked.ThewordsIwantedtohearwereabouttoarrive.
“Haveyouheardofit?”
“I’vejustgotbackfromthere.Oneofmywritershasdecidedtoretiretothecountry.Can youbelieveit?”Shelaughed,lookingatStuartwhoreturnedhersmilealongwithaslylook.
“NotMarkLudwigbyanychance?”Iaskedhopefully.
“That’shim!Haveyoureadhisbook?IthinkIhaveacopyinmybag.”Shesaid,looking through a large bag that would make even Mary Poppins jealous. She handed me a copy of ForgettingthatIforgotyou. Iheldthebookclosetomychest,knowingwhatmyplanwould bethatnight...ImmersingmyselfintheunknownworldofthewordsofaMarkLudwigthatI stilldidn’tknow.“Ithinkyou’lllikeit.”
“I’msureIwill.So...Mark’sgonebacktoKutztown?”
“Yeah.Insearchofinspirationforhisnextnovelorsomethinglikethat...”Patriciareplied, rollinghereyes.
After breaking the ice, the strange part came. But Matt made me proud, he behaved wonderfullywellandtreatedPatricianicely.Heimmediatelyunderstoodthatdaddy’sspecial friendwasthereasonbehindtheirseparationand,althoughheappearedbotheredwithStuartat first, he understood that nobody had control over who they fell in love with. And daddy appearedtohavefalleninlovewithanotherwoman.Ithadallhappenedsosuddenly...when Matthadgonetobedthenightbefore,hehadnowayofknowingthat,twenty-fourhourslater, hislifewouldalsochangeduetotwoadultswhohadstoppedhavingfeelingsforoneanother.
The Chinese food arrived. We sat down around the table and enjoyed a nice and varied conversation.Patriciawaspassionateaboutherworkasaneditor;shehadalwayslikedbooks andstudyingthesecretworldofwriters,eachonemorepeculiarthanthelast.Herhighregard forMarkwasobviousandsheeventoldmesomeofthemoreintimatedetailsofhisprivate life.
“He’sjustsplitupwithamodel.LucilleSpencer,doyouknowher?Arighthottie.”She explained.“Thepoorthinghasgonethrougharoughtimebecauseitwasherwholefthimafter shegotinvolvedwithaYoungactor...buthe’llgetoverher.”
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