I shook my head quickly, “No, please, whatever you need. Let me know.” I was begging. It had taken me so long to get to the point where my friends sought my help. I knew Cain was trying to protect me by deciding he didn’t want to burden me with his request. But I needed it. I craved being useful more than my wolf craved grass beneath her paws.
“Evan and I were working at the garage, while you gals were doing your thing,” Cain explained. He worked at Johnson Garage and had since he first moved to Easterville. He was poised to buyout the Johnsons when Holden decided to retire, which could be anytime now. Evan was helping Cain navigate taking over the business. Another employer would be a big boon for the RSC who was always looking for safe places to offer work placements. Not every rogue had the temperament for the service industry.
“And the bus stopped by,” Cain continued, “A rogue wolf in bad shape came off it. He knew us immediately and asked for refuge.”
What did this have to do with me? We got new wolves all the time. We didn’t have a ton of room for them. The Harris house was full, but Jackson left not that long ago, so Lee’s old room should be open in Evan’s apartment. It’s not like Evan’s bear has much to fear from a wolf. Which was why he ended up with Lee’s high school bully for a roommate in the first place.
“He’s a widower,” Cain explained as if able to read my question on my face, “I know you’re usually the first to volunteer to puppy pile with shewolves who need it, I didn’t want to-”
“I don’t know...” I said. Cain knew more of my history than anyone else in the RSC, but that wasn’t saying much. Even regular visits to Travis, the Coalition’s trained psychologist, no one was able to break open the carefully erected walls I put up between the present and the past. Some stories didn’t need to be shared. They knew enough to avoid my triggers and that was enough.
“Travis might have mentioned he’s been encouraging you to branch out,” Cain said. He rubbed the back of his neck with his hand.
I felt my face flush, “He thinks it's unhealthy that I don’t talk to men.”
“Unmated, unfamiliar men,” Cain amended, he held out his hand and started counting on his fingers, “You do just fine with me, Evan, Travis, Charlie, Olly, Noel, -”
“One shift,” I promised, “We can go from there afterwards.”
Cain grinned, “Perfect, Evan’s moving him into Lee’s old room now.”
Panic started to rise in me. Sensing it, Cain quickly added, “Evan will be right across the hall as always. Windows will be closed, and doors locked.”
I nodded and managed to keep my wolf from taking over and finding a place to hide. Evan would keep us safe. He was big; he was scary, but he had only ever been kind to me. He never made me feel small, despite being very much so.
Cain patted my arm, “I promise I would never put you in a situation I thought was dangerous for you.”
I nodded. I trusted Cain, my wolf trusted Cain. If he said it was going to be ok, I’d be ok.
“I’m going to go for a run. I’ll come back after he’s asleep. Ok?”
Cain didn’t seem to like that idea, but he eventually nodded, and I bolted from the parking lot.
I found the stairs after the run. Trotting up them in the dark was second nature at this point. Evan let me in and showed me to where the rogue slept. He whimpered. It wasn’t like the other widowers I’d puppy piled with over the years.
He sounded sad, but he didn’t seem broken.
I like this one
How? He’s asleep
Good vibes
Good vibes? Where did you pick up on that?
You read, I learn, now sleep. Tomorrow’s a big day
Every day was a big day these days. With Lee’s pregnancy Cain spent more and more time with her. Hovering. As if anything she did would destroy her.
I hated watching it.
Seeing the man, I loved fall into a puddle of weakness, made me nauseous. He should be looking at me. Should be bringing me tea. Should be caring for me.
Instead I cared for him as I always had. Making sure he ate while Lee slept. Making sure his clothes were clean. Making sure he went to work.
Evan was useless. He was just as nervous for Lee as Cain was.
***
Double the work. Triple the work. I was so exhausted every day. By the time my cleaning shift at the Tooth and Claw came around I was a zombie.
“Are you going upstairs to talk to Jules, or should I tell him that he’s alone tonight?”
“Who?”
“The stray,” Evan growled. He was on edge and I didn’t understand, why he was taking it out on me.
“Why does he want to talk to me?”
“That’s between you and him. I’ll be right here if you need me. Unless you want to go home.”
“Are you going to tattle to Travis if I don’t?”
“Are you going to sleep in human form if I let you go home?”
No
I grumbled. If my wolf wouldn’t let me sleep in my skin, I was stuck on puppy pile duty, “Fine, I’ll talk to the stray.”
I huffed up the stairs and Evan followed me, locking the door at the bottom behind me.
The hulking man banged his head on the door and growled loud before ascending the rest of the way. Normally that amused me. But something was off.
I rounded the corner into the living room of the small apartment where the widower was awake and fiddling with a napkin. His leg bounced at a rapid pace. As if he needed to be rid of the excess nervous energy but nowhere was fast enough to get rid of it.
“You wanted to talk to me?” I asked.
He looked up at me and froze. His eyes raked over me as if he’d been expecting something else, “I’m Jules.”
“So, Evan said.”
“I.. I need to apologize,” he gulped, “When I arrived. They assumed- I let them believe.”
“Can you just spit it out? I have a lot of work to do tonight.”
“I’m not a widower. I’m so sorry I had no idea about your history or past and I just wanted to sleep. And I didn’t think that-”
“Then what happened to your mate?”
“She left me.”
“Did you hurt her?”
He shook his head, then nodded, then shrugged, then dropped his head in his hands, “I don’t know. I thought I was doing the right thing by her and then she... I just. I lost everything, you have to understand, and I just wanted her to be happy and now I’m a miserable failure who-”
“-That’s enough. I appreciate your apology. My wolf will see you tonight.”
“What?”
“Now if you excuse me, I have a lot of work to do.”
“You’re not going to kick me out?”
“Do you want to sleep or not?”
“I... yes, but I lied. You don’t have to help me, you know. I’ve been without her for longer than I ever had her,” he said, “I’m used to it.”
“That’s sad.”
“That’s life,” he turned away from me, moving into a speech mode, “We’re blessed for but a moment and when things don’t work out we’re alone for the rest of it.”
“No, what’s sad is that you seem to think you deserve to be miserable.” I continue wiping down the bar, “That you have someone offering exactly what you need but you’re going to turn it down out of some self-flagellation. Don’t you deserve a measure of peace?”
“I.. I don’t know.”
“Look, Cain and Travis are trying to get me to sleep in human form and my wolf doesn’t want to. The only times I’m allowed to sleep in wolf form are when I’m puppy piling, so you’re stuck with me. Okay?”
He nodded, “Thank you.”
“Now let’s go to bed, I’m exhausted.”
***
“So, the new guy isn’t a widow,” I told Travis, “In case he’s lying to you.”
“Changing the subject isn’t going to stop me from asking if you asked Paul to find your sister.”
“
What am I supposed to do if he finds her? Just strut up like, Hey, Rosemary. You stole my mate but it’s fine I forgive you because now I get to watch the wolf I actually love have a pup with-”
I bit my lip, but it was too late, the angry tears started.
“I know we avoid the subject of Cain and Lee, but I think we should address it,” Travis said, “I think the real reason you’re not searching for your sister is because you’re afraid.”
“Well isn’t that just me? I’m Ginger, the small one the scared one, the one that needs to be protected from everything because she’s afraid of her own fucking shadow?!”
“Ginger, sit down please,” Travis never changed from the monotone voice despite my outburst.
At some point I jumped to my feet and started pacing.
My life was falling apart around me. With each new revelation, I felt as if I was falling deeper into a pit of my own misery.
“Everyone at the RSC knows about your infatuation with Cain,” Travis continued, “I’m not doing you any favors by ignoring it now. Ginger, sit down, please.”
I shook my head, “I need to move, I need to-”
“Up until now, you probably could pretend he was going to leave her for you, right?”
I growled.
“Ginger, if you don’t-”
“Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!” Travis’ eyes widened but his lips didn’t move.
I dropped back on the couch and dropped my head in my hands. Cain didn’t love her. Not the way I loved him.
***
The unexpected joys in my day came from laying in bed talking to Jules. I never did this with another stray. But he didn’t fall asleep as easily as the others. But he’d fall asleep after a few minutes of conversation.
We usually talked about small things. Theories about the origins of the RSC shrink. Joking about Charlie and Olly’s antics. Predicting the next day’s weather. Spoiler alert, it would be cold. Always cold.
Usually I shifted after his breathing evened out and my wolf would curl in next to him. It was nice. Safe.
I got good night’s sleep with Jules.
My back was warm, and I curled closer to the warmth as I dazed in the luxurious confusion between waking and out of sleep. Strong gentle arms wrapped around my waist. Warm breath heated my neck.
My eyes flew open, in front of my eyes were my hands. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d woken in human form.
Did you shift back?
Didn’t shift at all
But it’s not safe
We’re safe
My wolf felt safe? My wolf felt safe sleeping? I curled into the warmth. Jules. My wolf felt safe sleeping in Jules’ arms. The man at my back was still fast asleep, completely unaware of the monumental moment this was.
Under the door, Evan’s smell mixed wafted a moment before he knocked. Jules startled awake at the sound. His arms squeezing around me as if he could protect me from whatever mythical monster lay beyond.
“It’s just Evan,” I whisper to my startled bed companion. In a louder voice I tell Evan he can come in.
The door opens and the big grizzly leans on the frame, “Ginger, Lee and Cain want to talk to us before the pub opens.”
“Are you okay, Ginger? You slept in your -” Jules started but I put a hand over his mouth.
“In, yes I slept in. Now, I will be downstairs in a minute, Evan. Just need to get dressed.”
Evan grunted.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Rosemary
Red Rock, Arizona
Present Day
Another pack event. Another failure on my part. I was supposed to be in charge of coordinating the layout for the rented ballroom with the seating chart and the rental furniture. And I dropped the ball. Everything went wrong.
After the disaster that Celeste cleaned up with her usual grace and aplomb, I hid away in my room.
Event after event, day after day, I was failing. In Boston it was one thing. I could pretend that it was unfamiliarity with the location, with the people, or just because I was so young. Here, in Red Rock. This was supposed to be my turf. And I was failing.
The knock at my door did little to pull me from my frustrated fugue.
Simon made his way in. Despite never treating me like his mate, even during public events where everyone assumed we were mated, he sure took the liberties against my privacy.
“Go away,” I grumbled into my pillow.
“I found these with the mail on Beta Ramon’s desk,” he said followed by a thud on the bed, “They look like letters addressed to Rosemary. I figured they’re from your mate.”
I sat up, that didn’t make sense. I’d hurt Jules more than I could have ever hurt anyone. First by disappearing. Then by insisting he let me stay gone.
“The envelope is postmarked a few days ago, must have arrived this morning,” Simon pulled a white envelope from the carefully tied stack, “I know that if my mate was writing to me still after all this time? I’d want to know.”
“I’m sorry I’m not her,” I told him.
“I was never fully on board with this charade anyway,” Simon admitted. He laid back on my bed, covering a few of the letters, “I know it’s not fair to you. You just want to do right by the pack.”
“I haven’t been doing much of anything right these days,” I grumbled. The envelope in my hand burned against my skin. My wolf riled underneath my skin. As if she could somehow smell Jules through the paper. I wanted to tell her that these could be hate letters. That I should hide these so I wouldn’t see the spewing venom on the pages.
But she and I both knew that wasn’t true. Jules didn’t have a hate filled bone in his body.
Rosemary,
I’m sorry I haven’t written in a while. I’m sure you figured out from the other Alphas that Angus kicked me out of Redford. I tried to gain entrance to any pack that would have me, but none want a mateless med school drop out with a weak wolf.
So, I ventured to the famed not-pack in Easterville and have joined the Coalition. They’re kind. They’re letting me work and live. They’ve offered to send me back to school if I want.
But the only thing I know I want is you. And I know it’s not fair to tell you this by letter after you already said you didn’t want me anymore. The Red Rock Pack can offer you so much more than I could.
Rosemary, if I could do it all over again, I would. I’d have insisted on finishing out your education where you wanted. Then do things together. After my months of isolation, I can see why you left. My wolf feels why you never looked back.
A wolf belongs with a pack. And barring that, they belong with a misfit group of rogues.
The Coalition has a therapist, and he suggested this be my last letter. I’ve written dozens over the years, but never sent them. I can’t remember why anymore. Maybe I was afraid that I would scare you away. But I did much worse than that.
I just want you to know that I’m sorry. I want you to know that I want nothing but your happiness. I hope Simon treats you right. I hope that one day you all find Thyme and she is safe and happy.
If you ever do want to find me. I’ll be in Easterville.
Best wishes,
Jules Redford
“Go.”
I blinked and looked at Simon through tears, “What?”
“I’m sick of living a lie. At least you have a chance to be happy,” he said, “Go to him. I’ll help you pack.”
“Simon but your pack. Your Ascension.”
He gave me a lopsided grin, “I have years before I need to worry about that. Thyme could come back before then.”
“But what will you tell the pack?”
“The truth,” he said it as if it was so simple, “They welcomed Mara with open arms. They’ll forgive me for my lie.”
“And if they don’t?”
“Being a rogue isn’t nearly as scary as it used to be,” he tapped the letters, “Go to him. Find your happiness. We’re young. Go be young, dumb, and in love for once.
”
I jumped into his arms and whispered thousands of tiny thank yous.
I packed my bags while Simon bought me a plane ticket and a bus ticket. I was going to Easterville. I would fly across the country in hopes to reunite with Jules. I just had to hope he would take me back.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Ginger
Tooth and Claw Pub, Easterville Minnesota
Present Day
“Goddess parents?”
Evan sounded as incredulous as I felt.
“Yeah, there’s a human tradition of god parents and well…” Lee leaned into Cain’s arm and beamed a sunny smile across the table at me and Evan, “You two mean so much to us, we’d like you two to be our pup’s goddess parents.”
“It’s mainly ceremonial, but when we do our will,” Cain jumped in, “We’d put you two as guardians if anything were to happen to us.”
“We’d be honored,” Evan said.
“No.”
I stared at Cain. So, I was good enough to be an honorary parent to his pup but not good enough to be his mate. He would torment me this way? I couldn’t imagine either of them could be so cruel.
“No?” the three others at the table said in unison.
“No,” tears formed in my eyes, “After all we have been together. After all Evan and I have done for you two. How could you think-”
“Don’t speak for me,” Evan growled.
“You speak for me all the damn time. All of you do, and I’m sick of it.”
“Is this because of the…incident?” Lee whispered to Cain.
“I thought you talked to her about this,” Cain said to Evan.
“I did, she said things were cleared up.”
“I’m right here,” I hissed.
“Ginger, sweetie,” Lee said, reaching her hand across the table. I flinched away, “Where is this hostility coming from?”
“This is supposed to be an honor, to show you how much we love and appreciate you,” Cain added.
“Yes. Of course. An honor,” I scoffed, “I’ll never be more than a back up for you, will I? Back up friend, back up mother, back up mate.”
Ginger and Thyme (Kootenai Pack Book 4) Page 15