by Ping Chong
When I turn eighty years old
and I will turn eighty
I will be honored by the emperor
at the palace
at a banquet
held to honor the thousand grand, old men.
ALETA:Your Grace, sir, could you hurry it along?
Time is money, you know . . .
Remember what happened to Frank Sinatra
on the Grammys?
(Horn fanfare.)
MICHAEL: My apologies, I’ll be done very shortly. I will receive the honorary title of Governor General of the Grand Canal. I would never blow my own horn this way, but this is how characters are introduced in the Chinese opera.
PROJECTION: 13
ALL: 13.
PING:East meets West.
Liang meets Macartney.
Scene 5.
MICHAEL: The great emperor has personally instructed us to make sure you have everything you need—you know, Kleenex, Band-Aids, lemonade, Wash & Dry, Tiger’s Milk bars and all that other weird stuff you guys like . . .
PROJECTION: The emperor will arrive tomorrow.
PROJECTION: Will Macartney do the nine kowtows?
All right. You know the scoop, right? Anytime anything sent from the emperor, a letter, a note, a fax . . . is presented to you, you are to show reverence by kowtowing nine times before the item in question.
And—when you come to celebrate His Majesty’s eighty-third birthday, you’ll kowtow nine times before the great emperor, you’ll be invited to a banquet, you’ll get some tchotchkes, you’ll have your picture taken, etc., etc., etc., and then maybe, maybe we’ll talk shop. In the meantime, don’t go where you shouldn’t be . . .
PROJECTION: 14
ALL: 14.
PING:East meets East.
A message for the emperor.
Scene 6.
ALETA: Your Majesty, son of heaven, father of our country, pivot of the earth, Your Most Extreme Highness . . . sorry to interrupt your shiatsu. Ah . . . acupressure. I can come back another time. Really, I can . . . No? Stay? OK. The matter of the English. Macartney and company, you know . . . I invited Lord Macartney and the others to enter the Great Hall of the East as you had instructed. Well . . . they all took their hats off and saluted—I must say—they were mucho mucho respectful. But . . . instead of kowtowing nine times before the gracious letter you sent—like everyone should—Macartney and company just tipped their hats . . . Can you imagine?
SHI-ZHENG (In Chinese): They have no manners. (Gong)
ALETA: I didn’t catch that, Y our Majesty . . .
SHI-ZHENG (In Chinese): They have no manners. (Gong)
ALETA: What was that?
SHI-ZHENG (In Chinese): They have no manners! (Gong)
ALETA: Aaaaaaaaah—they ain’t got no manners . . .
(Sound of cannonball.)
PROJECTION: 15
SHI-ZHENG: 15.
PING:East meets West.
Liang meets Macartney.
Scene 7.
MICHAEL: Have you the required letter of introduction from King George III?
RIC: Isn’t it wonderful how the midday sun falls over the pines? It’s almost as impressive as the light in Darjeeling.
MICHAEL: Yes, it is beautiful—but the matter of the letter . . .
RIC: We particularly are delighted by the sunsets, too. And the sunrises. And the moonrises. Of course, we only have the perspective of this confinement. An elegant confinement, to be sure. May we not wander through your city and flirt with your women?
MICHAEL: Tea?
RIC: Please.
MICHAEL: Please?
RIC: Tea.
MICHAEL: Aaaah . . . It is a rather common tea, without breeding. I hope you are amused by its presumption.
RIC: Extraordinary, a marvel of nuance, complexity personified. But, is this confinement necessary?
MICHAEL: The tea is called the Monk’s Hat.
RIC: May we not walk as far as the bell tower and observe your people? Survey your land should we need to use force against you one day . . . Which we will . . .
MICHAEL: More of the Monk’s Hat?
RIC: Are we prisoners?
MICHAEL: Tell me—
(Michael and Ric move to different corners of the carpet.)
Tell me, in your country, if you come as uninvited guests to a home, do you have the right to demand a room?
RIC: Then we’re guests?
MICHAEL: More tea?
RIC: Please.
MICHAEL: Please?
RIC: Tea.
MICHAEL: Aaaah . . .
RIC: He who controls trade, controls the world’s wealth and therefore the world itself.
MICHAEL: We are the center of the civilized world.
ALETA: Boom boom boom
RIC: And we are the most powerful nation on earth.
ALETA: Boom boom boom
MICHAEL: Perhaps you’d prefer gunpowder tea?
(Ping opens a large, white Chinese fan. Sound of cannonball.)
PROJECTION: 16
ALL: 16.
ALETA:Boom. Boom. Boom.
All I heard was boom boom boom.
Men fighting, ya know? . . .
All I saw was boom boom boom
Men fighting, ya know? . . .
I was standing here.
From here, all I could
see and hear was boom boom boom
Men fighting, hollering, carrying on,
Friday night
ya know?
(Sound of baseball being hit. A crowd roars.)
RIC: Well folks, the Detroit Tigers smashed the Toronto Blue Jays in a whopping 10 to 0 victory. Something must’ve just clicked in the Tiger’s offense. Must’ve been all those Tiger’s Milk bars they been chowing down on . . . Chow chow chow.
CAST: Chow chow chow . . .
RIC: I tell ya, those Blue Jays didn’t stand a Chinaman’s chance . . . Chow on Tigers!
PROJECTION: The Chinese character for “17” with a baseball behind it
ALL: 17.
PROJECTION: Mrs. Chin
ALETA:Long day all cook
could she cook
to love
she
family her for far go
it make to going is she
duck roast of pound quarter
a buy to going is she
hair
black straight has she
shoes
sensible wears she
tall
two inches five foot
is she.
RIC: Whose dinner is this anyway?
ALETA:Me and my husband can’t have children.
We try many times.
So I ask to adopt boy.
I want boy.
Little boy.
From China.
They send pictures. All sorts of boys!
Little skinny ones, round-headed ones.
Ones with faces all lychees and cream.
But when I see Vincent’s little fat face smile,
I say, “This is my little bit of light and heaven!”
My little bit of light and heaven . . .
My little Vincent . . .
(Begins singing:)
I want
I want little boy
fat-face smile
little boy
cook for him
mother to him
all day long.
Mothers cook
for little boys
mothers cook
for fat-faced little boys
all day—always. All day—always.
(Sound of cannonball.)
PING: New York City. 1989.
I am walking down the street. It’s a beautiful spring day. I pass an Italian bakery in my neighborhood. A bunch of Chinese immigrants are repaving the sidewalk outside. Two young Italian bakers are watching. I overhear one of them saying, “Look at those monkeys. Why do they come here? They don’t even know how to speak English.” I think to myself, Do you
think your great-grandparents from Italy spoke English when they first came here? Did you know congress wanted to prevent the dirty wops from entering the Unites States?
(Sound of baseball being hit. A crowd roars.)
PROJECTION: 18
ALL: 18.
(The following excerpt from The Chinese Must Go, a play from 1879, is performed on the carpet. It is presented in an exaggerated, melodramatic style. There are many musical sound effects: cymbals are scratched for the sound of dishwashing, gongs accentuate heavy steps, a slide whistle accentuates a puff of an opium pipe, etc. All the characters are presented as racist stereotypes with broad accents and large gestures.)
PING: Somewhere out west. Scene 1. Sam Gin washing dishes. Ah Coy smoking his opium pipe.
AH COY: I tellee you, white man big fools; eatee too muchee, drinkee too muchee, and talkee too muchee.
SAM GIN: White man catchee plenty money. Chinaman catchee little money. Cheap labor.
AH COY: By and by white man catchee no money; Chinaman catchee heap money; Chinaman workee cheap, plenty work; white man workee dear—for a lot of money—
SHI-ZHENG: No work—
RIC: Sabee?
SAM GIN: Me heep sabee.
AH COY: Chinaman plenty work, plenty money, plenty to eat. White man no work, no money, die—get it?
SAM GIN: Got it.
AH COY: White man damn fools; keep wifee and children—cost plenty money; Chinaman no wife, no children, save plenty money. By and by, no more white working man in California; all Chinaman—get it?
PING: Enter Frank Blaine.
(Woodblocks.)
FRANK: Damn such luck; can’t borrow a cent to save my life. Money is getting as scarce as flies about Christmas. I must have some. Losing three games of billiards, one after the other, with this flat-footed Jack Flint is a shame. (To Ah Coy) Why don’t you work?
AH COY: Your mother no payee me last month; no payee, no workee—sabee?
SHI-ZHENG: Me heep sabee.
FRANK: How much does she owe you?
AH COY: Six dollars.
FRANK: All right, John. I get it for you. If I squeeze the six dollars out of the old man, that Chinaman has to pay me commission, that’s business.
PING: He pulls Sam Gin by the queue and exits. (Frank exits)
SAM GIN: Damn hoodlum. What for you foolee me all the time?
PING: Enter Lizzie Blaine.
(Woodblocks.)
LIZZIE: Has my brother been here, John?
(She repeats this line over and over.)
SAM GIN: Your brother damn hoodlum, he pullee my tail all the time.
LIZZIE: They are all trying to pull you back to China, John. Oh, how nervous I am this morning.
AH COY: You like smoke opium?
LIZZIE: Yes, please.
Did you see Broken Blossom, John? Did you see Shanghai Express? No? How about the Foo Fighters? Know them? John?
AH COY: Drinkee too much coffee; no good, makee too muchee shaking—sabee?
PING: Enter William Blaine.
(Woodblocks.)
He takes the pipe out of his daughter’s mouth.
WILLIAM: What! Are you smoking this dirty pipe again?
PING: To Ah Coy . . .
WILLIAM: Get out of my house, you miserable dog!
AH COY AND SAM GIN: I wantee money.
PING: Again.
AH COY AND SAM GIN: I wantee money.
PING: Again.
AH COY AND SAM GIN: I wantee money.
WILLIAM: Take that . . .
PING: He strikes Ah Coy with the pipe.
WILLIAM: . . . you breeder of ruin and desolation!
AH COY AND SAM GIN: I make you pay.
PING: All exit.
The Chinese Must Go: A play by Henry Grimm, San Francisco, 1879.
(Sound of applause.)
PROJECTION: 19
ALL: 19
MICHAEL (Singing):Did you ever hear about Willie the Weeper?
Yes, the chimney sweeper.
Had the dope habit and had it bad.
Listen and I’ll tell you ’bout the dream he had.
ALETA:’Round the layout a couple of dope fiends lay
Listen and I’ll tell you what they had to say . . .
Tales of money they were gonna make
and casino banks they were gonna break.
I heard one big dope fiend say:
RIC:“Grand scheme I got on today,
got an interest in a silver mine
left to me by a friend of mine
got a ruby bush, a diamond mine
an emerald tree, a sapphire vine
hundreds of railroads that run for miles
thousand dollar’s worth of coke stacked up in piles.
CAST:Started off in a Pullman car
did not get so very far
in their minds they had the railroads clinched;
woke up in the morning, found the joint was pinched.
Marched them off to the station house,
meek as a lamb, quiet as a mouse.
“What’s the charge?” the judge then said.
“Hittin’ up the hypo,” and the fiend dropped dead!
MICHAEL:“But I beg to differ,” said the other smoker,
“The cop is kiddin’, he’s quite a joker.
I’m the king, the land of poppies is my home.”
CAST:“Jail!” said the judge.
“Show the king his throne!”
This is the tale of Willie the Weeper
Willie the Weeper, yes, the chimney sweeper.
Fell asleep in his hallroom cot
dreamed he had a million dollars worth of hop.
MICHAEL:“But in the morning where am I at?
I thought that I was in my sweet baby’s flat.
But in the morning I’m right in line,
Mr. Hop Sing Toy—
you’re no friend of mine.”
(Lights abruptly go to black. The sound of a train going by.)
PROJECTION: 20
PING: 20.
ALL: 1848.
SHI-ZHENG (In Chinese): Gold is discovered in California.
PING (Translating): Gold is discovered in California.
MICHAEL: The Chinese become 49ers.
ALETA: The Chinese are the first Asian immigrants.
ALL: 1852.
ALETA: The Governor of California:
MICHAEL: “Let us encourage a further immigration and settlement of The Chinese—they are peculiar but who isn’t?”
ALL: 1852.
SHI-ZHENG: The Governor of California four months later:
MICHAEL: “The Chinese are cunning and deceitful, they can never become like us and they are not of a race or native character which will ever elevate the social condition of California.”
ALL: 1869.
ALETA: Meanwhile down in Mississippi. M-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-I.
RIC: “Emancipation has spoiled the Negro and carried him away from his place in the fields of agriculture. We therefore say let the coolies come, let them pick our cotton, let them work our fields, but they must become Christians, of course.”
ALL: Of course, of course, of course.
MICHAEL: We did not let the Indian stand in the way of civilization, so why let the Chinese barbarian? I suggest we do to them as we have done to the Indian—
SHI-ZHENG: Put them on reservations.
ALL: 1882.
RIC: The Chinese Exclusion Act—the first immigrant law to exclude on the basis of race:
MICHAEL: “Hereafter, no state court or court of the United States shall admit Chinese to citizenship.”
PROJECTION: 20.5
(Music underscores the following spoken section. Ping says each line in English first, then Shi-Zheng repeats it in Chinese. Throughout this scene a projection montage shows details of a photograph. The image becomes fully identifiable only at the very end of the scene.)
PING:This is a man.
SHI-ZHENG (In Chinese):This is a
man.
PING:This is a man sitting beside another man.
SHI-ZHENG (In Chinese):This is a man sitting beside another man.
PING:This is a man wearing a hat.
SHI-ZHENG (In Chinese):This is a man wearing a hat.
PING:This is a man eating with another man.
SHI-ZHENG (In Chinese):This is a man eating with another man.
PING:This is a man sitting in the sun.
SHI-ZHENG (In Chinese):This is a man sitting in the sun.
PING:This is a man breathing in the sun.
SHI-ZHENG (In Chinese):This is a man breathing in the sun.
PING:This is a man.
SHI-ZHENG (In Chinese):This is a man.