JOHN: You’re not black.
SANDY: Hey. I’m black.
SCENE SEVEN
On one side of the stage, the several eggs that FANNY laid, hatch. Humans, dressed as baby birds wearing budgie smugglers, emerge. FANNY and DICKY dance with their baby budgies. JOHN and SANDY enter and the birds stop the dance. We are at the Addy launch.
SANDY: Wow. I didn’t think the press would get the blackface dance sequence—but they loved it. So wrong, yet so poignant. How do you feel now about starring in an Indian film?
JOHN: I tore down my ‘Bondi Parade’ posters. It felt weird. I couldn’t bring myself to throw away the framed cast poster though.
SANDY: I’m so excited about meeting your family. Where are they?
JOHN: Ah …
SANDY: My dad’s here. He can’t wait to meet your mum.
JOHN is suddenly angry.
JOHN: Sandy, I specifically told you.
SANDY: He wanted to see a snippet of the film. Don’t worry. He loved it.
JOHN: I’m not ready for our parents to meet yet.
BRONWYN enters.
BRONWYN: Darling. Where’s the American director from Indianapolis?
ANIL enters, and a moment later a caucasian woman, RENEE, enters.
ANIL: [seeing her] Renee! I found our Southern star. [To JOHN] John, this is none other than the Executive Producer of ‘Bondi Parade’! Renee Brogan, meet John Green.
RENEE shakes JOHN’s hand. JOHN is incredibly excited.
RENEE: That was a wonderful performance, John.
JOHN: Thank you. I’m so honoured.
RENEE: Listen, We’re having to urgently recast a new role. I think you’d be perfect.
ANIL: Lead role, Johnny boy. They’re looking for a tall, dark, handsome actor to play the new doctor on the Parade.
BRONWYN: He’s definitely tall and handsome.
ANIL: John, I’ve bent over backwards to get you this audition.
RENEE: Anil’s been very accommodating with his dates.
ANIL: The character has his own surgery on ‘Bondi Parade’. Renee’s promised me the shoot would be over in a few weeks and that it wouldn’t clash with Addy’s dates. Great publicity for Addy too. All I have to do is teach her more tantra.
RENEE: Shoosh. [To JOHN] The audition’s tomorrow. I’ve hand-delivered the script to Anil. Rush home and learn those lines because the audition’s tomorrow. I have to run. So I’ll see you in the morning, John?
JOHN: Absolutely.
ANIL: I’ve got to go and talk to the press. Renee, tantra tonight.
RENEE: Sure, but don’t touch.
ANIL: That’s the point.
RENEE and ANIL exit.
SCENE EIGHT
SANDY is waiting to meet BRONWYN. JOHN realises that it is time to introduce them. He gathers all of his courage. livvy is also present.
JOHN: Ah … Mum, I … I want you to meet … Sandy, you should meet my mum. Sandy, this is my mum Bronwyn. Mum, this is … Sandy.
BRONWYN stares at SANDY. She was expecting something different and is awkwardly silent.
SANDY: It’s so lovely to meet you, Bronwyn.
BRONWYN: It’s Mrs Green.
SANDY: Oh, sorry. You look amazing, Mrs Green.
MANA enters.
Dad, come and meet John’s mum Bronwyn.
BRONWYN: It’s Mrs Green.
MANA: Kiaora, Bronwyn. Give us a hongi!
MANA rubs noses with BRONWYN, then sticks his tongue out. She screams. Suddenly JANELLE enters in a huff and walks up to JOHN.
JANELLE: John. I’m preggers.
BRONWYN: What?!
MANA: You cheating on my daughter?
JOHN: Absolutely not. Janelle, what are you talking about?
JANELLE: I read in the newspapers that you were going to be here. I had to tell you. I’m so proud of you, babe.
SANDY: What’s going on?
BRONWYN: No condoms are going on! Finally!
MANA: I knew you were a jerk! I should teach you a real lesson, about manners.
MANA grabs JOHN. SANDY stops him.
SANDY: Dad, please, just calm down. Remember your vow of non-violence.
JANELLE: I’m sorry for what I said about the milkman, Mrs G.
LIVVY: Come on, Janelle. Let’s get some fresh air.
JANELLE: But—
LIVVY: You look flushed.
BRONWYN: Janelle, I can’t believe it.
JANELLE: Oh! It just kicked! I feel a pain in my womb, Mrs G!
LIVVY: Let’s go.
LIVVY leads JANELLE offstage as SANDY re-enters.
SANDY: Is that your ex?
BRONWYN: Ex? It’s his girlfriend.
JOHN: Mum! That’s not true.
SANDY: Why would your mum lie?
BRONWYN: Exactly.
JOHN: Mum, this is Sandy’s dad Mana.
BRONWYN: Don’t touch me!
MANA: It’s an exchange of breath, a sharing of souls.
BRONWYN: My soul needs saving. SOS!
JOHN: Mum—
BRONWYN: Let’s go.
JOHN: Don’t be so rude.
BRONWYN: This is ‘Bondi Parade’. This is what you’ve always wanted.
SANDY: John—
JOHN: Sorry, Sandy—I have to go.
SANDY: What?
JOHN: I’ll call you tomorrow. I have to nail this audition.
BRONWYN begins to lead JOHN out of the room.
SANDY: Nice to meet you, Bronwyn.
BRONWYN looks back at SANDY.
BRONWYN: It’s Mrs Green. Livvy, c’mon we’re going!
JOHN pulls away from BRONWYN.
JOHN: Wait for me in the car, Mum.
SANDY: Dad, could you wait outside for me please?
BRONWYN: Come on, John. It’s late, it’s getting too dark.
MANA: At our darkest moments we need the most enlightenment.
MANA exits. BRONWYN exits.
JOHN: I’m so sorry, Sandy.
SANDY: I can’t believe you ignored my dad.
JOHN: I’m scared. I’ve never moved so fast before.
SANDY: You’ve been cheating on me with your ex.
JOHN: I’m not cheating on you. I swear.
SANDY: Worse than cheating is ignoring my family. Nobody ignores my family.
JOHN: I didn’t mean to ignore your dad. You shouldn’t have brought him without telling me, that’s all.
SANDY: He wanted to support you. God, how many restrictions can one relationship have? I’m not allowed to ask where you’re from, my dad can’t come to your launch, I can’t meet your family.
JOHN: I’m sorry my mum’s awful. Do you want to come over to Greystanes?
SANDY: She won’t want me there.
JOHN: I want you there.
SANDY: You’ve got to learn your lines for ‘Bondi Parade’.
JOHN: I wanna be with you.
SANDY: This is what you’ve always wanted, John. Isn’t it?
JOHN: Yes.
SANDY: Have you been sleeping with your ex? Tell me the truth.
JOHN: Not since I met you. I promise. Please, babe, will you come back to mine tonight?
SANDY: Don’t call me babe. Your ex is pregnant. This isn’t gonna work. I don’t believe you. I don’t trust you. Everything about you and your family seems to be based on lies and secrets. It’s just not me. It’s over. I’m done. I never wanna see you again.
JOHN: Sandy—
SANDY: I’m out of here.
JOHN: Sandy, please.
SANDY: I never wanna see you again. It’s over.
SCENE NINE
At the ‘Bondi Parade’ studios.
JOHN: Stand back. Give her some breathing space or we’ll lose her. Hurry up, we need a bandage to stop the bleeding, someone take their shirt off. Hang on, I’ll do it myself. How long was she under water for? Lucky I’m a doctor. Tomm-o call an ambo, Dav-o was she at the bottle-o? She’s blowing point oh-seven. I can smell it on her breath. Dean-o alert the chopper
, mate, looks like we’ll need to do a sea-vac. I’m gonna have to give her mouth-to-mouth … Oh, Kimbo. It’s you. What are you doing here? Haven’t seen you since school. I heard you fell off a cliff last year? Good to see you bounced back.
RENEE: That was wonderful. I’m pretty certain all the female viewers will want mouth-to-mouth from you. Now can we just try that with an Indian accent?
JOHN: I beg your pardon?
RENEE: Could you do the monologue again, but with an Indian accent?
JOHN: When the regular cast auditioned, did you ask them to perform with an English or Scottish or Irish accent?
RENEE: No. But that’s different.
JOHN: Why is it different?
RENEE: I’ll ask you again. Could you do the monologue with an Indian accent?
JOHN takes some time debating whether he should do it or not.
JOHN: My best redhead friend Danno had skin cancer. He’s always wished he was brown. He used to sunbake as often as he could. And then he got sick. We were in and out of every hospital in Sydney and I got to know all of the best doctors. Dr Shah, Dr Singh. Dr Chen. Dr Nguyen. Dr Tran. Dr Chandrabalan. All born in Australia. All with Australian accents. If you want ‘Bondi Parade’ to be the realistic show that it claims to be then—
RENEE: Hot bronzed bodies that live at Bondi Beach. That’s the realism, buddy. Now just do it with the accent.
JOHN: I’m sorry. I don’t think it’s appropriate.
RENEE: I don’t see what the big deal is. Indian accents are funny. Anil makes me laugh. He’s so witty. Can’t you try to sound like him?
JOHN: Anil’s accent is authentic to him. He was born there.
RENEE: Our plot lines have been heavy lately since the bluebottles stung Beryl and the fish and chip shop ran out of vinegar and poor Beryl had to pee on herself. Point being, we need our storylines to be lighter. We need funny Dr Mistry! Our big brown mystery man. Now please do it with in the accent.
JOHN: I don’t think you’re seeing this from my perspective.
RENEE: Well, you don’t see it from mine. I’m just working up brownie points with our overseas investors. We make most of our profit from selling the show overseas. The UK and American networks have threatened to pull out unless we put more diverse faces on TV. Apparently, ‘diversity’ is the new buzz word, and we’re in the business of creating buzz. You’ll be the best known brown doctor on Aussie TV. Dr Kumar Mistry. Have you got a sense of Kumar or not?
JOHN: I do have a sense of … Kumar. I just don’t think it’s me. I’m not your mystery man.
RENEE: That’s a shame. Because I really would like to you to play Dr Mistry.
JOHN: You’re actually offering me the role?
RENEE: Yes.
The theme song from ‘Bondi Parade’ plays.
JOHN: I’d love to be in ‘Bondi Parade’, I just can’t play this role. Can’t Dr Mistry have an Aussie accent like everyone else?
RENEE: No.
JOHN: Then I don’t want be on your show. I don’t want to be on ‘Bondi Parade’.
RENEE: You’re turning down a role in the longest-running TV show in Australian television history?
JOHN: Yes, I am.
RENEE: Who the hell do you think you are?
JOHN: Isn’t there another role I can play?
RENEE: Well, next season we’ll need a disabled actor. Maybe you can do that?
JOHN: You’re unbelievable.
RENEE: You want an acting career? … Break a leg.
SCENE TEN
JOHN, BRONWYN and LIVVY enter.
BRONWYN: Is Janelle really pregnant?
JOHN: It’s a lie.
LIVVY: She does look a bit porky.
JOHN: She’s lying.
LIVVY: She spewed outside of the studio.
BRONWYN: Morning sickness?
JOHN: At night?
LIVVY: She’s lying, Johnny. She still loves you. And she just wants a beige baby as an accessory.
JOHN: Mum, Sandy broke up with me. I want you to call her and apologise to her.
BRONWYN: I’m not apologising to anyone. Go to Janelle! She’s pregnant!
LIVVY: I thought you hated Janelle now.
BRONWYN: Should we do a DNA test?
JOHN: Yes. We should. On you, Mum.
Pause.
BRONWYN: I’m cooking dinner tonight. To celebrate your audition. How did it go?
LIVVY: Why don’t we invite Sandy around for dinner?
BRONWYN: And what would I cook? Braised bunyip?
LIVVY: Ming-Wa’s mum cooked the most amazing Thai curry the other night. Everything you cook is bland, Mum. Can’t you add coriander or chilli or something?
BRONWYN: Don’t you say the C word again under my roof or I’ll have to wash your mouth out. I hate chilli. It burns. How was the audition?
JOHN: Don’t change the subject.
BRONWYN: I’m not. I just want what’s best for you. Now tell me how it went.
JOHN: I’ve never been more humiliated in my life.
BRONWYN: What happened?
JOHN: She kept trying to force me to do it in an Indian accent.
BRONWYN: How awful.
JOHN: They offered it to me, but I said no.
BRONWYN: You’ve changed since you’ve been with this girl.
JOHN: For the better.
LIVVY: I think so too.
JOHN: Sandy’s amazing. She’s beautiful, she’s smart. I’ve never met anyone so comfortable in their own skin. She runs her own company. She owns her own apartment in the city.
BRONWYN: So what? I’m the best careers advisor Greystanes High School has ever had.
LIVVY: Call her. Apologise. Stalk her. Beseech her. Besiege her if you must. Just like Dicky did Fanny.
LIVVY exits.
JOHN: Sandy’s better than any girl I’ve ever met. I love her.
BRONWYN: She’s clearly been badly brought up.
JOHN: She’s been brought up brilliantly.
BRONWYN: She called me by my first name.
JOHN: You seriously expect another grown woman to call you Missus?
BRONWYN: She’s just not right for you. She’s scattered.
JOHN: I’m the scattered one.
BRONWYN: Even if I did my reiki on her it wouldn’t work. She has an extra layer on her skin. Too much melanin. It’s scientifically proven to block UV and all the chakras.
JOHN: You attack everything that moves! What are you? A ‘great white … chakra ’?
BRONWYN: I just … Look, a mother knows these things. I’ve got nothing against her. She’s just not your type.
JOHN: Say it. Just say it.
BRONWYN: If you have children together—how will they turn out? Hmm? Why don’t you find yourself a nice Australian girl?
JOHN: Are you that stupid? How can you be a teacher when you’re so fucking narrow-minded?
BRONWYN: Don’t you ever speak to me like that. I feel a pain in my womb!
JOHN: She’s more Australian than anyone could be! Sandy is the perfect Australian.
BRONWYN: Olivia is the perfect Australian. You should marry her daughter. And change your last name. John Newton-John. That has a lovely ring to it.
JOHN: Olivia’s born in England, Mum. That makes her English. Just like you.
LIVVY enters frantically with her budgie cage. FANNY is attacking her babies. She starts pecking them violently. She attacks DICKY too. Blood squirts everywhere. LIVVY is screaming and crying.
LIVVY: Fanny’s gone crazy!
There is blood all over the cage and feathers everywhere. FANNY is tweeting loudly and madly. She is covered in blood.
Fanny went crazy and pecked Dicky and my babies to death.
DICKY is in pieces and baby bird limbs are scattered. FANNY is screeching louder and louder. Many feathers fall from the ceiling, covering the whole stage.
Do something, Johnny!
JOHN: Fill a bucket up with water. Quickly.
BRONWYN gets a bucket filled with water
and gives it to JOHN. LIVVY is still hysterical. BRONWYN tries to calm her. FANNY is getting madder. JOHN grabs FANNY. FANNY pecks at him hard. Blood spills all over JOHN’s white shirt. He dunks FANNY into the bucket and drowns her.
LIVVY: You’re drowning her.
JOHN: I don’t know what else to do. Dad used to do this if one of his budgies went crazy.
FANNY dies. LIVVY runs away crying.
BRONWYN: Livvy!
JOHN, exhausted, observes the blood stain on his shirt from the birds. He has blood on his hands also. BRONWYN goes to him and begins to wipe the blood off his hands on to hers.
Think of the future. Be smart. Don’t be cruel.
SCENE ELEVEN
JOHN is walking towards the ocean, holding his life-sized framed poster of the ‘Bondi Parade’ cast. MERLE is with him.
MERLE: I know this is a big deal for you. You can do it. And then once you’re done we could have a meal together at the Dahl Mahal in Harris Park? I’d ask your mother, but I fear she might attack me again with her garland of garlic. I’m not a bloody vampire, I’m an apparition. She even attempted to exorcise me by playing the theme song to Ghostbusters.
JOHN looks at his poster and begins to cry.
Salty tears. Count yourself lucky, the British would have taxed you for that. Are you really the next mahatma? The great soul. I remember reading about Mohandas Gandhi in the papers. It was 1930. I couldn’t believe that only one man could be so defiant against the world’s largest empire. The British had passed the Salt Act which prohibited natives to collect and sell it from the sea. They were forced to buy it from the British and pay hefty taxes. Gandhi’s salt revolt lasted for three weeks, and by the time they reached the Arabian Sea, tens of thousands had joined them. It was the first large-scale non-violent civil disobedience movement. They ignored the act and collected salt from the sea. As did millions of other citizens around the country. I was in England and only nineteen. I was so torn between the two worlds, I half-cast myself in the murky English Channel, and decided to release my past. Then adopting my new role as a decent Tasmanian dame, I stiffened my upper lip, hitched down my petticoat, and bought a pound of non-taxed salted beef!
JOHN immerses the poster into the ocean at Bondi Beach. They watch it float away.
Lighten Up Page 6