JOHN: It’s not your fault, Anil.
ANIL: Thank you, John. Fault is useless foreign concept. I take the blame only.
JOHN: What’s happening with Addy?
ANIL: I didn’t dare think about it. I’ve been feeling terrible. I’m the only Hindu who’s ever felt Catholic guilt.
JOHN: Start editing. Did you shoot enough to cut together something for the finale?
ANIL: I did.
JOHN: Well—go and finish your movie!
ANIL: With your blessing?
JOHN: Of course.
ANIL: Thank you, John. I want to premiere this baby on Independence Day in India for the Mumbai Film Festival. We only have a few months. Best get cracking. Rest up, my friend. Because I’m paying for you and your family to fly to India! And I’m going to put you all up in a palace!
ANIL exits.
JOHN: Mum, please tell me the truth. Where are we from?
Pause. MERLE comforts BRONWYN.
BRONWYN: I wasn’t born in England, John. Neither was your father. I came here in the seventies. From Bombay.
JOHN: Mumbai.
BRONWYN: I’ll always remember it as Bombay. Your father and I are … Anglo-Indian. Just like Englebert Humperdinck. Cliff Richard. Merle Oberon.
JOHN: So many lies, Mum. Why?
BRONWYN: When I arrived here, I had a funny accent and people made fun of me. I met your father. He’d experienced the same sort of thing. We wanted to assimilate. We both had white skin. Especially your father, and we decided to … to move on. My mother told me when I was growing up that she was British and her mother did and her mother did too, even though we were all born in India. Same with your father’s family. We’re a mixture. Once India got back its independence from the British, we struggled. We were all messed up for being mixed up. Colonialism has a lot to answer for.
JOHN: You’ve got a lot to answer for.
BRONWYN: I do. And I’m being honest with you now, Johnny. Your father and I thought because we were both fair that you would be too. Livvy turned out good. I mean—fair. But sometimes with Anglo-Indians there’s a throwback.
JOHN: I’m sorry I’m not the budgerigar you wanted, Mum.
BRONWYN: I wanted you. You’re my little boy. I just don’t want your children to have the same struggles as we have.
JOHN: Dark blood is strong.
BRONWYN: Yes—it is.
JOHN: I hate you, Mum.
SANDY holds BRONWYN’s hand.
SANDY: It wasn’t so long ago that you were pretending to be someone else to get by, John. Everyone does it.
JOHN: You haven’t.
A DOCTOR enters.
DOCTOR: Okay. Time to take these bandages off.
The DOCTOR carefully removes the bandages. MERLE grabs an Obie light and shines its white light on JOHN’s face.
Oh great, the scabs have fallen off.
JOHN’s face is very fair under the Obie light. He looks caucasian.
Wow, you’re white. Your skin’s turned white.
JOHN: What’s wrong with me, doctor?
DOCTOR: There’s nothing wrong with you, unless you think there’s something wrong with being white? This is amazing. Your skin tissue has healed perfectly under the scabs. But you’ve lost a fair bit of pigment in your skin. I’ve got to call the student doctors in to see this.
JOHN: What’s going on?
DOCTOR: You’re the first brown patient I’ve had to turn white.
JOHN: I’m hypercolour.
DOCTOR: You’re one lucky man, John Green.
BRONWYN: Will this be … permanent?
DOCTOR: Medically, this is rare, but it does happen. After a few months your original skin colour should return. It’ll just take some time for the skin cells to repair and for the pigment to grow back. You’ll be fine.
JOHN: Will I be okay to go to India for the premiere? For the film festival?
DOCTOR: Mate, you can go to any festival you want. Even Burning Man.
SCENE SEVENTEEN
We hear noises of a busy street in Mumbai. The DOCTOR becomes ANIL. JOHN still has a white face from the Obie light.
ANIL: Press conference starts in a few minutes. Jaldi karo. Get a move on.
JOHN: Sorry we’re late.
ANIL: This is Bombay. Traffic is not terrific.
JOHN: Did my family get in okay?
ANIL: Yes. Danno brought a good-looking young Pakistani man with him whom he said was his pen pal. I managed to get an extra press pass for him. They’re all cooling down in the palace.
JOHN: You really put everyone up in a palace?
ANIL: No. Palace View Hotel. Two-star. But it has a view of a palace. Partial view. But the palace is palatial. Welcome to India, my friend! Why aren’t you wearing your contact lenses like I told you to?
JOHN: I told you, I’m not gonna wear them.
ANIL: It’s such a blessing that you look so white and milky now. Bollywood will love you even more. You’ll get so much work if you stay here.
JOHN: The doc says that I won’t be white for much longer, Anil.
ANIL: Arrey, who cares, yaar? Milk it for all it’s worth.
Photographers and press enter. JOHN sits at a long desk with ANIL. SANDY sits to the side.
Subtitles appear on a screen in the theatre when the PRESS PEOPLE and JOHN speak in Hindi. MERLE still shines the Obie light on JOHN.
PRESS PERSON 1: Critics ne aapki adakaari ki kaafi prashansa kari hai … par aapke uchcharan ki kaafi khilli bhi udayee hai. Kya aapko nahi lagta ki aapki aawaaz thodi ajeeb hai?
Subtitles: ‘The film critics have praised your acting but find that you have a funny accent. Do you realise that your voice is strange?’
JOHN: Haan. Ye baat sach hai ki meri aawaaz mai kuch kami hai. Par mujhe ye bhi lagta hai ki hum sabhi apni aawaaz ko hee to dhoondne ki koshish main hai.
Subtitles: ‘Yes. I do. But I think we are all trying to find our own voice, aren’t we?’
PRESS PERSON 2: John ji! John Green to hua aapka … screen name—Lekin aapka asli naam kya hai?
Subtitles: ‘John Green is obviously your stage name—but what is your original Indian name?’
JOHN: Mera asli naam hai … John Green.
Subtitles: ‘My real name is John Green.’
PRESS PERSON 1: Apke background ko leke logon main tarah ki afwah aur charchain hain. Haal filhaal main ye suna gaya hai ki aap aadhe bharatiya aur aadhe Austrian hain aur aapka janmsthal Austrian Alps hai. Wah kya badiya mishran hai do sanskritiyon ka! Kya aap humain pusht roop se ye bata sakte hain ki asliyat kya hai?
Subtitles: ‘There has been a lot of gossip and speculation about your mixed race heritage. The latest news is that you are half-Indian, half-Austrian, and that you were born in the Austrian alps. How wonderfully exotic! Can you confirm where you are actually from?’
JOHN: Sahi baat hai ki mere origin ke baare main alag reports hain. Actually mujhe bahut hansi aati hai unko padkar.
Subtitles: ‘Yes, there have been conflicting reports. I find them rather hilarious.’
… Khoon hai. Khoon ka rang wahi hai jo hona chahiye. Aur wo rang hai laal. Zyadatar filmon main, hamari bhi film main, jo nakli khoon istemaal hua hai who nakli hi lagta hai. Chamakta laal rang. Ya yun kahiye, Gulaabi. Asli zindagi mai jab asli khoon behta hai to wo brown hota hai.
Subtitles: ‘Blood is blood, whether is it mixed or not. And it is red. In most films and even in our film—the fake blood stains look too fake. Too bright. Too pink. In real life when blood stains—it is actually brown.’
PRESS PERSON 2: Aap paheliyan kyon bujha rahe hain. Saaf batate kyon nahin ki aap kahan se hain?
Subtitles: ‘You haven’t answered the question. Where are you actually from?’
JOHN: Dekhiye kabhi … kaale aur safed ke beech … grey area bhi hota hai …
Subtitles: ‘Sometimes … in between black and white … there is a grey area …’
… I’m from Greystanes.
MERLE switches off the Obie lig
ht.
SCENE EIGHTEEN
LIVVY, BRONWYN, JOHN, SANDY and ANIL stare out at the Taj Mahal. JOHN’s face is brown again, without the Obie light.
JOHN: We made it.
SANDY: The Taj Mahal.
JOHN: The world’s most romantic monument of love. Such stunning symmetry.
SANDY: It’s the most beautiful sight I’ve ever seen.
JOHN: You’re the most beautiful sight I’ve ever seen. Tum bahut sundar ho.
SANDY: Gawd, I love it when you speak Hindi.
JOHN: Chalo. Let’s go home.
SANDY: You should stay.
JOHN: I wanna be with you.
SANDY: This is your dream.
JOHN: You’re my dream.
SANDY laughs.
Renee emailed me. She offered me another role on ‘Bondi Parade’.
SANDY: Another doctor?
JOHN: No. A surf shop owner. I told her I’d take it only if Danno could direct an episode. She agreed. I drive a hard bargain since being over here. You should see me at the fruit market.
LIVVY: Mum and me are—
BRONWYN: Mum and I.
LIVVY: Mum and I are going to buy some toe rings and some anklet jingle-jangle things.
BRONWYN: And a sari.
LIVVY: Can we get an auto rickshaw, Mum?
BRONWYN: Of course.
ANIL: Bronwyn, I love your new hairdo. It’s great that you’ve let your grey roots grow back.
BRONWYN: Thank you. I feel young again.
ANIL exits to one side of the stage.
I’ve come home, Livvy.
LIVVY: Like Lassie?
BRONWYN: Yeah. Let’s go drink a lassi, Livvy.
BRONWYN and LIVVY exit.
SANDY: Will you come and work with me again when you’re not a surf shop owner?
JOHN: Won’t you get in trouble?
SANDY: I’ve been speaking with Gav.
JOHN: What?
SANDY: We’re merging our companies. I want you in it. I want my dancers in it. I even want your mate, the Greek Captain Cook.
JOHN: Spyro?
SANDY: Yep, I want to include everyone. I want him.
JOHN: I want you.
SANDY: You’ve got me. Tum mera nyiwarri ho.
JOHN: How did you learn to speak Hindi so quickly?
SANDY: Well, unlike you, I didn’t have access to Bollywood’s biggest Hindi tutor, so I downloaded Bollywood’s Best Pick-Up Lines app … it’s hilarious.
JOHN: What’s nyiwarri? That’s not Hindi, is it?
SANDY: It’s my Wiradjuri language. I’m mixing Hindi with Wiradjuri.
JOHN: What does it mean?
SANDY: What do you think it means?
JOHN: It means that you love me?
SANDY: Who’s a clever convict?
JOHN: Will you teach me the Wiradjuri language, Sandy?
SANDY: Only if you’re a good boy, Jolly John. Might have to lock you up for a while and throw away the key so I can stop you dancing ever again.
JOHN: You wouldn’t hold me back from dancing, would you?
SANDY: Never. Go on. Waganha!
JOHN: You haven’t seen my new move yet, have you? The Rainbow Cobra. It’s an Aussie-Indian dance. It’s lethal.
MERLE enters. JOHN dances around like a cobra about to strike.
SANDY: What are you doing?
JOHN: I’m about to break Bollywood’s biggest taboo …
SANDY: What’s that?
JOHN kisses SANDY. She kisses him back.
MERLE: It was never John! The chosen one is Sandy Gandhi!
SANDY looks to the audience.
SANDY: Blackout!
She clicks her fingers and the lights snap to black.
THE END
2016 GRIFFIN PLAYS
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First published in 2016
by Currency Press Pty Ltd,
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in association with Bali Padda and Griffin Independent
First digital edition published in 2016 by Currency Press.
Copyright: Lighten Up © Nicholas Brown & Sam McCool, 2016.
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Lighten Up Page 8