by Tinley Blake
“How do you feel?” I ask.
“Good now that you’re here.”
“That’s not what I meant.”
“Blake. I can’t lose you again.
“Cal . . .”
“You’re so bright and shiny.”
“Cal, I think you’re still high from pain meds.” He reaches, trying to pick something from the air around me, but grabs my shirt sleeve instead. When he pulls, I fall forward across him. I try to catch myself and save him from the weight of my body crushing his injuries.
“I wish you knew how much I love you.”
I push up on my hands and then my elbows. I fight the desire to meet his gaze. Fight and lose. But when I lift my eyes, his are closed. A soft snore escapes, and I lift the oxygen mask back to his face while trying to process his words.
I wish you knew how much I love you.
I can’t. It’s too much, too soon.
39
#whathappened
Calvin
When I wake, the room is full. Blake is in the corner of the window seat, curled into herself. My mother sits in the only chair, watching my bed for any sign of life. She jumps to her feet when she notices my eyes opening.
“Well, about time.” I grimace. “Are you in pain?” She asks and presses the button to call for the nurse.
“No. I’m fine.”
“Nonsense. You just had surgery. Don’t try to ignore it. Take the meds they offer.”
“Okay, Mother.”
“I’m going to grab a bite from the cafeteria. Does anyone want anything?” she asks. Blake shakes her head no.
“I’ll walk down with you. I could use some coffee,” Beau says, standing and opening the door to the room. Mom follows him out after one more glance in my direction, and then it's only me and Blake left. She climbs down from the window seat when the room clears and sits on the edge of my bed.
“How are you feeling, really?” she asks.
“My side hurts like a bitch, and my stomach keeps growling, but other than that, I’m okay.”
“I can grab you something to eat. They brought in a tray of food earlier, but you were knocked out. I had the nurse take it away after an hour or so. Figured you didn’t need salmonella on top of major surgery.”
“Right now, all I want is you. Crawl in here with me.” I pull back the blanket and scoot over as much as I can without falling off the bed.
“Okay, but if it hurts, you let me know and I’ll get up.” I nod my head in agreement, but the truth is I would endure any amount of pain to feel her body next to mine. For a moment, when I found her laying lifelessly on the ground, I thought she was dead. I didn’t know how I would continue living without her.
I never planned on Blake coming back home. As far as I knew, she was happy in Arizona and planned to stay there for the rest of her life. But she did come back, and now I don’t think I can live my life without her in it. While I’m busy trying to find the words to say, Blake has fallen asleep.
It had to be a hard night for her. We lived in the hospital for years when her mom was sick, worrying every day that it would be the last, afraid to run home and grab more clothes. In the end, no amount of hoping, praying, or wishing could keep her here. I couldn’t imagine the loss or pain she felt. Even though I was close to Tricia, I wasn’t her child.
I’m surprised Blake even stepped foot in here, much less stayed all night. When Mom and Beau walk back in the room, another woman follows them. I hold up my finger to my lips and point down at Blake sleeping. Mom smiles, brushing Blake’s hair from her face.
“She hasn’t slept.”
“I figured,” I reply and glance at the other woman raising my eyes in a silent question.
“Oh, yeah, this is Shelly. We found her wandering around, looking for Blake.”
Shelly steps closer, holding out her hand. I take it without a thought and shake. “Hi, nice to meet you. I’ve heard lots of great things about you all.”
I still don’t follow completely, a fact Beau seems to take notice of.
“Shelly was Blake’s assistant back in Arizona.”
“Oh, yeah.” I remember where I’d heard the name now. Blake was just telling me about making Shelly her CEO of the marketing company. She had been worried how to settle things there in order to move back here permanently, and the last month of having Shelly handle business had given her the answer she needed.
“Is everything okay?” I ask, concerned and wondering whether I should wake Blake.
“Oh, yeah, everything is fine with the company. I’m here for her. I . . . well, I guess at this point, the whole country has heard about the fire. I wanted to come and make sure she was all right.”
“Oh. That’s good.” I don’t know what to make of her comment about the whole country hearing about the fire. I don’t even understand how that is possible, but I’m too tired to ask. The nurse walks in with my dinner tray and a cup of pills. I’m not sure which one I’m more excited for. My stomach rumbles, answering the question for me. I reach for the tray and open it, filling the room with scents of baked chicken and steamed cabbage. The nurse passes me the cup of pills, explaining each one to me. I barely hear her. Tilting back a pink cup of water, I toss the pills in my mouth and swallow then grab my fork and take a bite.
Nothing has ever tasted so good.
40
#greatnews
Blake
“I still can’t believe it.” I hear Calvin before opening my eyes. I can’t believe I fell asleep curled next to him on this tiny hospital bed, but my body and mind were exhausted and apparently needed the reboot.
“I think it’s amazing.” I recognize that voice. Sitting up, I glance around the room. Shelly is sitting on the couch with Beau, her computer open, pointing out something. I pat my head, trying to tame the mess of hair I’m sure is sticking out everywhere.
“Morning, sleepyhead. Look who we found.”
“Shelly?” Obviously, it’s her, but I’m still trying to process seeing her here.
“Hey, you.”
“What are you doing here?”
“I came to check on you. And then these two wouldn’t let me leave.”
“What are y’all looking at?”
“Oh. So, word of the fire got out, and you know how people can take something and run with it. Well, someone, I’m not sure who yet, decided to start a volunteer page to help rebuild the barn. But that’s not even the best part. Not only have hundreds of people volunteered, but companies across America have donated to the cause. Everything is completely financed.”
“Really?” I ask, reaching for the laptop and scanning the page. “Wow.”
“And the best part—remember that idea you had a few weeks ago?” Beau asks, and I search my mind, going over every idea I’ve gone to him and Cal with over the last month until I snag on one in particular.
“The rehab?” I ask.
He nods his head. “Fully funded.”
My hand covers my mouth, tears filling my eyes. “No way.”
“Yep, now all we need is your okay to move forward.”
“My okay?” I ask.
“It was your idea. Your baby. It’s yours if you want it.”
“I want. Hell, yes, I want!”
I turn to Calvin, who’s just been watching the play by play, and wrap my arms around him, careful not to hurt him. A month ago, I thought I knew the path I wanted my life to take. I had everything mapped out, a detailed plan. I was going to change the world. And then Brad and Cindy happened. I wasn’t sure how to move past that. It shook me to my core and not because he cheated. Men can be pigs. I knew that.
I was shaken because everything I believed, everything I preached to others, came crashing down around me. I struggled with the decision to leave Arizona and then struggled some more when I decided to come back home to Alabama. It felt like I was running away, and I wanted the world to know I’m not a quitter. I don’t run. Not anymore.
Then I got here, and for the f
irst time in years, the constant need to succeed, to push on, to fight and conquer vanished. I took my first real breath in a lifetime and just lived in the moment. One moment, followed by another and another. There have been tons of ups and downs, but at the end of the day, I know this is where I’m supposed to be.
And now, new dreams are growing, and from them, wonderful things are sprouting and blossoming into a life full of wonder and possibilities. A life full of happiness.
41
#hearttoheart
Calvin
I get to go home today. Fucking finally. I was starting to worry they weren’t ever going to release me. Who the hell decided you had to piss and crap before being discharged? I cut my side open and punctured my spleen, not my ass. As far as I’m concerned, everything is still working fine. It doesn’t have any reason not to.
Beau’s giving me a ride back to the ranch. He seems to find it funny that I’m being wheeled downstairs in a wheelchair, but I tried to fight them on it and walk out on my own, only for them to tell me I can’t leave. Rules, rules, and more rules. None of which make a bit of sense.
“Can you climb in on your own, or do you need a boost?”
“Fuck you.”
“What squirrel crawled up your ass?” he asks
“Shut the hell up.” Thankfully, he does just that.
“Where’s Blake?”
Beau swipes his fingers across his lips, miming his vow of silence.
“What are you, twelve?” I ask, trying not to laugh.
“I don’t know where she is. She’s been tied up for a few days with Shelly, coordinating the rebuild activities.”
“Hmmph.”
“Trouble in paradise?” he asks, and I side-eye him, wondering how much I should say.
Screw it.
“Has she been acting weird? I mean, when she comes around, she seems distant or something.”
“Nah. She seems fine to me.”
“So, it’s just me she’s weird with. Great.”
“Maybe she just freaked after the hospital thing. You know she hates that place.”
“Maybe,” I say slowly. That’s a good point, but I don’t think so. “I think it’s got more to do with the fact that I told her I loved her.”
“You what?”
I let out a deep breath and hunch my shoulders. “Yeah,” I say sheepishly.
“Shit.”
“Now I just need to figure out how to fix it.”
It’s like one minute, she is fine. She’s wrapping her arms around me and falling asleep in my bed, and the next, she remembers my drug-induced confession and starts pulling away. She gets twitchy and her mind short-circuits. I make a plan to corner her and get to the bottom of this.
When we round the drive, I’m surprised by the number of cars. I didn’t realize they were starting rebuilding efforts this soon. After closer examination, I see they are cleaning the site up. Just thinking about the years of collecting equipment that was lost in the blaze makes my stomach twist and roll.
I’ll never be able to rebuild it all.
I climb from the truck and sidestep people, making my way to Beau’s porch. I wanted to walk through the barn and survey the damage for myself, but I don’t want to do it with an audience.
Blake is sitting at the kitchen table when I step in. I startle her when I slam the door. “Hiding from the crowd?” I ask, pulling out a chair.
“Yes. No. I don’t know anymore.”
“What’s wrong?”
“The sheriff just left. They know how the fire started.”
“Oh, good. Right?” I ask and then take the time to really look at her. “Or not?”
42
#jailtime
Blake
“Brad was arrested this morning.” My hands are still shaking, and it’s been hours since the call. My mind, still dazed, is having the hardest time understanding how the person I spent four years with could do this to me. And Cindy . . . I couldn’t even think about her.
“Brad? The douche canoe ex?” Calvin says, and I can see the gears turning, his mind trying to catch up.
“One and the same.”
“Okay, I’m going to need you to back up and explain.”
“Apparently, he took out a life insurance policy on me when I accepted his proposal. I didn’t even know you could do that—take out a policy on someone who isn’t related to you.”
I still can’t fully wrap my head around it all.
“Anyway, he took out a policy in the event of my death, and yesterday morning, he contacted the company to file a claim. I’m not sure how it all got pieced together, but from what I can gather, he was pissed he didn’t win anything in the lawsuit, and he went with the next option, which was to kill me off and collect.
“Except I didn’t die. Because you pulled me from the fire. So, when he tried to file a claim, they investigated and found me alive and well. After verifying that I didn’t die, they contacted the authorities. He’s being held on attempted murder, arson, and fraud.”
And now we know the truth. Calvin almost died because of me. If I hadn’t come back here, hadn’t brought my drama here, then he would never have been hurt trying to save my life. Everything he had worked his life away for wouldn’t be destroyed—gone in the flames lit by my money-hungry ex.
How could I have spent four years with someone and not realized he was capable of murder? Or better yet, that he only wanted me for the money I brought to the table? Am I so flawed that I can’t recognize that level of darkness in someone? Cindy is being investigated too. I’d forgotten about her, but Shelly reminded me of a conversation we had a few weeks ago, and I relayed the information to the Sherriff. Two people I trusted, that I cared for. I thought cheating was bad, but this . . . this is the ultimate betrayal. A part of me wishes I had just given him the money he asked for. Then maybe . . .
“This isn’t your flaw. You don’t get to take the blame for this. This is all Brad.” I don’t realize I spoke the last sentence aloud until Calvin responds. I wish I could believe his words. I wish I could trust my own instincts, but after all this, I think it’s fair to say my instincts suck ass.
How the hell am I supposed to trust that the love I feel for Calvin is true, that it is good? That it is what I need? How can I move forward knowing that my presence in his life almost caused him to lose his life? I am the toxic person in this relationship. Everything I touch is ruined.
“Blake.” Calvin’s voice is calm. It quiets the anxiety building in my mind.
“Yeah?” I answer remorsefully and ready to flee.
“I can see your thoughts written across your face like a book.”
“Then you know it’s true.” I should go. It doesn’t matter that I love Calvin or that I have found my place here. My presence endangers the people I care about, and that isn’t something I’m okay with.
“Bullshit. Brad is a lemon. He sucks major ass, but he’s just a lemon. If you buy a car and it turns out to be a lemon, do you hate all cars after that? No, because not all cars are bad. Do you quit driving altogether because you chose a car that was a lemon? No. Of course not. How were you supposed to know? Right?”
“Okay. I think I’m following you.”
“Brad is a lemon. You didn’t know it when you chose him. He didn’t come with a sticker, and you chose to take him home anyway. He was packaged perfectly. Nice, shiny, and new, and then one day, he turned to shit. You don’t give up because you got a lemon, baby. You trade that fucker in.”
“And I trade Brad in on . . .”
“On me, obviously. I’m more of blackberry. I can grow and adapt in any condition and I never give up. I can be thorny, but if you take the time to try to see past all that, I’m a really juicy mouth of yum.”
I toss back my head and laugh. I can’t help it. And then I stand and take the two steps that separate us and sit in his lap, wrapping my arms around him and inhaling his scent. This man could charm a rattlesnake if he wanted to. And I love him. I let
that sink in for a second. I love Calvin Hunt, and I don’t want to run from him again. I don’t want to run ever.
“You don’t smell like a blackberry,” I say, sniffing along his collar bone. My lips press to the soft spot under his ear.
“No? what do I smell like?” he asks.
“Mine,” I reply.
Epilogue
#gotthegirl
Calvin
Things with Blake and me have sorted out and I couldn’t be happier. I think she took to heart my comments when I was being ridiculous and calling myself a blackberry. But it’s the truth. Every single word.
The injuries I sustained in the fire are healing nicely, as is the rebuild to the ranch. I still can’t believe that all the people who came and donated their time and money were mostly due to the work Blake was doing. It never seemed like she was doing a lot, always talking to the faceless people through her computer or taking and posting photos. But the impact of this social media and her followers has been significant. She says that coming home for her was like taking her first breath of fresh air in eleven years. Her coming back breathed life back into us and the ranch.
Beau’s taken to all the changes like a duck to water. It’s helped, having Shelly around for those few weeks, taking the time to explain things to him and show him in more detail the impact we’re having. I’m grateful for that. I’m also grateful for having Blake around, helping me during my convalescence. Once she got over the bullshit that was going through her head that she was the harbinger of doom, she admitted that I, Neo, and Samson were family and that she’d stick around.
And so she should. I’m not planning on going anywhere, but had she up and left as she was known to do, I would have upped my sorry ass to follow her. No way in hell am I going to let her get away this time.
I look around the ranch at all the preparation that’s gone into tonight. The setting sun, with streaks of burnt orange and red in the sky, provides the most perfect backdrop for what I have planned tonight. My hand subconsciously pats my front pocket. I feel the hard square bulge and smile. Tonight is the night, and finally, I know she’s ready, just as I know I am. I’ve been ready for half my life. Sometimes, things don’t work out the way we plan them because it’s not the right time or person or place.