by Vawn Cassidy
‘Who?’
‘The man who put that look on your face,’ he replies. ‘The man who made you not want to have a relationship with anyone again.’
I lay quietly, drawing in a breath. ‘His name was Mattia, and I met him in Florence. He was everything I wasn’t, older than me, handsome and cultured, and I don’t know... worldly. He dazzled me.’
‘He was your first?’ Nat asks curiously.
I nod. ‘I fell for him hard. I was there for three years and for two of those we were lovers.’
‘What happened?’
‘I was young and stupid. I thought we were building a life together. I was learning to sculpt, doing what I love in an incredible city. I could imagine living there permanently in a little apartment in Santo Spirito. We’d walk the winding streets, and he ran a gallery, so we had a love of art in common. I was so blinded my him, I didn’t see.’
‘Didn’t see what?’ he asks tilting his head as he watches me.
‘The lies,’ I say quietly. ‘All the warning signs were there, but I missed them.’
‘What signs?’
‘I never met any of his friends, his family. He said he wanted to keep me all to himself. We were both really busy, I had so much to learn, and I was away from home for the first time ever in an exciting city. He was working, or travelling for work, so he said. Whenever we would snatch moments together, I treasured them, I didn’t question it.’
‘So, what happened?’
‘My apprenticeship was coming to an end, and I had to make a decision if I was going to stay in Italy or come home.’
‘You wanted to stay,’ Nat guesses.
‘I was in love, not just with the city and the lifestyle but in love with Mattia. I told him I wanted to stay, and I wanted us to live together and build a life.’
‘I’m guessing he didn’t.’
‘It was worse than that,’ I admit. ‘He already had a life that didn’t include me. He was married.’
‘Married?’ Nat blinks. ‘To another man?’
‘No.’ I shake my head, even now the shame of what I was unknowingly a part of colouring my cheeks. ‘He was married to a woman, had been for years. Nat, they had children.’
‘Beck,’ he breathes heavily.
‘He didn’t even see himself as gay or bi, he was happy with his wife and had no intention of changing that, but he enjoyed fucking me. I was his dirty little secret, and the awful thing was when I found out, he said nothing had to change. He wanted to keep sleeping with me.’
‘I’m so sorry, baby,’ Nat murmurs. ‘He didn’t deserve you.’
Suddenly, Nat’s phone rings loudly, vibrating against the surface of the bedside table. He rolls over and looks at the screen before disconnecting the call.
‘Who’s that?’ I ask.
‘Don’t know,’ he replies. ‘I don’t recognise the number, it’s probably a cold caller. Anyway, go on, what happened when you found out.’
‘Told him to go to hell, I wasn’t going to be his whore. His whole life was a lie, and he’d made me a part of that lie too. I never would have slept with him if I’d known. I got on the first plane home. I’ve never felt so betrayed in my life; he broke something inside me. I was still trying to come to terms with it when Dad got sick.’
The phone rings again insistently and Nat frowns, declining the call again.
‘So, that’s why you don’t want to be in a relationship again?’ Nat asks quietly.
‘I don’t want to be that vulnerable again. I’ve only just begun to move past what happened with Mattia and then with losing Dad, the last couple of years have been hard. To be in a relationship again, I have to trust someone, not only with my heart but my body. Allowing someone to top you, is incredibly intimate, and there has to be a level of trust there. At times, I didn’t know if I’d ever get back there. That’s why I kept things simple, just sex and I always topped. It was just easier to keep it casual and walk away.’
I feel him stiffen in my arms and see the flash of hurt in his eyes as he pulls back, and I realise how that must have sounded to him.
‘Nat,’ I say as he pulls himself up. ‘I didn’t…’
‘It’s okay.’ He forces a smile as he stands and reaches for a pair of his jeans.
‘No, Nat.’ I climb out of bed and grab my shorts to pull on. ‘I…’
‘It’s okay, Beck,’ he says refusing to meet my eyes. ‘We always said this was just a fling until the end of summer.’ He grabs his phone from the table as it rings again, and he silences it without looking at the screen. ‘You didn’t promise me anything, and I don’t expect you to want more.’
‘But what if I do?’ I say quietly, and his eyes snap to mine, filled with hope, and my stomach, which had been writhing only moments before, calmed. ‘What if I do want more?’ I say drawing in a breath as the words dance on the end of my tongue. ‘Nat, I’m…’
The phone rings out again and Nat moves to silence it, but as his thumb grazes the screen it connects the call to speaker.
‘Nathan,’ A cold hard voice echoes through the room, and I watch as the colour drains from Nat’s face. His gaze drops to the phone laying in his palm as if it’s a live snake.
‘Nathan,’ the voice continues, despite the fact that Nat hasn’t responded. ‘Finally, I cannot begin to tell you how utterly irresponsible your behaviour has been, nor the embarrassment you have caused your mother and I. How could you? It’s always the same with you, Nathan. You never think of anyone but yourself. You’re selfish and ungrateful. Do you know what I had to do to smooth things over with William Fenton after your disappearing act? Or the time and money it has cost? I’ve overlooked a lot of your shortcomings, Nathan, but to leave your bride at the altar on your wedding day…’
My eyes widen in shock as his mouth falls open, and he hangs up the phone quickly, cutting his father off mid-rant. He tosses the phone onto the bed, rumpled from our lovemaking and still scented with the smell of sex. Only now it seems sordid and false, like it was all a lie. The room sways slightly as I swallow down the intense wave of pain.
‘Beck, please.’ He holds up his hands. ’It’s not what you think. I can explain.’
‘You were getting married?’ I whisper. The pain ricocheting through my chest like a bullet. ‘That’s what you were running away from? Was this all just a game to you?’ I breathe painfully as my chest contracts like a vice. ‘Was this just an experiment? A way to try out being gay before you settled down and had a family?’
‘No,’ he says desperately. ‘No, Beck, I swear. If you would just let me explain.’
I can feel the tears burning my eyes as I turn sharply and stalk angrily from the room, unable to bear even looking at him right now. I hear a thump and a muffled grunt, but I don’t stop. I head down the stairs yanking my shoes on and grabbing my car keys. I head outside and fling myself into the car, slamming the door as I jam the keys in the ignition with so much force, I almost bend them.
As I reverse out and pull away, I can see Nat racing out of the house calling to me, but I can’t hear him above the roar in my ears and the sound of my heart shattering.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Nat
Just when you think things can’t get any worse, things have a nasty habit of finding a way…
I watch Beck drive away, and I panic. I have no idea where he’s going, dressed in nothing but shorts and trainers, without even his wallet with him. My leg is throbbing unmercifully from tripping over the end of the bed in my haste to get to him. My stomach is churning, and I think I’m going to be sick.
I should’ve told him. This is all my fault. Pia said I should’ve told him about Grace, and she was right. Now, I’ve fucked everything up, and he might never give me the chance to explain. Now, he believes I was just using him. I head back into the house, knowing I have to find him and tell him it’s not true. He was never a game to me. None of this was.
Allowing him time to calm down, I shower quickly, washing the cum and
sweat from my body, and feeling the tenderness in my arse from where he pounded me into the mattress earlier. What if that was the last time we ever make love? What if he won’t forgive me?’
I feel my eyes fill with hot tears as I scrub my face clean.
Dressing quickly, I lock up the cottage and head down into the bay. I spend hours looking for him, but he obviously doesn’t want to be found. He’s also driving, so I’m aware he could be miles away by now. Morning passes into afternoon and heads toward evening, and he still hasn’t returned. I’m in a full-on panic now as I head down to Sully’s.
I force a tight smile as people greet me, heading into the back kitchen where I know Mel is. She looks up from the veg she’s prepping, and her eyes widen in worry at the sight of me.
‘Nat? Whatever’s wrong?’
‘Have you seen, Beck? Do you know where he is?’ I rush out my voice cracking as the tears flood my eyes and the pain overwhelms me.
‘Nat, love.’ Mel rushes over to me. ‘What happened?’
‘I did something really stupid, Mel.’ I sniff as the hopeless tears roll down my cheeks. ‘I didn’t tell Beck something that I should’ve trusted him with, now he’s been blindsided, and he thinks I don’t care, that everything between us was a lie, and it’s not… it never was.’
‘I know that, Nat.’ She strokes my hair back in such a tender loving, motherly way it makes me cry harder.
‘What if he won’t forgive me?’ I shake my head. ‘He won’t even listen to me. I don’t know where he is.’
‘Give him some space, Nat.’ She rubs my back soothingly.
‘But what if he won’t let me explain?’
‘He will, once he’s calmed down,’ Mel says softly. ‘My son is many things, but he’s also fair. He’ll hear you out, but right now, I’m guessing by the state of you, things are pretty raw.’
‘Mel,’ I breathe heavily, my heart sinking into my stomach. ‘What if I’ve ruined everything?’
‘I’m not going to ask you to give me details, that’s between you and him,’ she says firmly. ‘Whatever happens, you and Beck will have to work through it, it doesn’t matter what came before. What matters is what you do now, from this moment on. If you want this, Nat, if you want a life with my son, you’re going to have to fight for it… fight for him.’
‘What the hell is going on here?’ a cold imperious voice echoes through the kitchen.
I look up, but I already know who I’m going to find standing in the doorway. The imposing and disapproving figure of my father.
Beck
I mutter a quiet, half-arsed thanks as Ryan hands me a beer and a T-shirt. I set the bottle down on the step next to me, not feeling thirsty despite the heat and drag the t-shirt over my head. I’d spent all day just driving trying to clear my head, and even though its heading toward evening it’s still hot as hell, adding to my misery.
‘Hey.’ I got here as quickly as I could. My twin Jesse appears in the garden and flings himself down on one of the plastic patio chairs. ‘Sorry, had a black lab to neuter. He nearly took my hand off when I tried to administer the sedative, not that I can blame him. I’m pretty certain he knew I was about to take his balls.’
Ryan winces silently.
‘What’s going on then?’ Jesse takes the bottle Ryan offers him and sips slowly. ‘Where’s your shadow?’
‘I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s about to tell us,’ Ryan rumbles quietly as he watches me.
‘What’s going on.’ Jesse sets the bottle down on the table and leans forward in concern at my expression. ‘You two looked pretty damn adorable this morning when we left you.’
‘He’s getting married,’ I say miserably as I pick up the bottle next to me, as much to give my restless hands something to do than from any real desire to drink.
‘I’m sorry what?’ Jesse blinks.
‘He’s getting married, or was… or is…’ I frown. ‘I’m not sure. One thing I do know is that he has a fiancée, and the day he arrived in the bay, was the day he left her standing at the altar.’
‘Her?’ Jesse repeats slowly. ‘Okay, none of this makes sense. I’d have said that boy was one hundred percent gay for starters, and leaving someone hanging at the altar, that doesn’t sound like Nat. He’s too nice a person.’
‘Yeah, well, obviously we don’t know him as well as we thought.’
‘We thought or you thought?’ Jesse replies. ‘What happened, Beck?’ he asks softly.
‘We were in bed, and he got a phone call from his dad, who sounds like a complete wanker. He was having a massive go at Nat and telling him he was selfish for leaving his bride to be stranded at the altar.’
‘And what did Nat say?’ Jesse asks, while Ryan remains uncharacteristically quiet.
‘He didn’t say anything, I walked out.’ I scratch my thumbnail at the label on the bottle watching the condensation bead on the cool glass and slide down my fingers.
‘So, you walked out and didn’t let him explain,’ Jesse snorts. ‘Why am I not surprised.’
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ I glare at him.
‘You forget I’ve known you since we shared a uterus,’ Jesse says dryly. ‘And that’s your M.O, you used to do it all the time when we were kids. You’d blow hot and storm out, it was only later when you’d calmed down, you’d listen. It’s a knee jerk reaction with you, Beck.’
‘Yeah, well, in this case I’d say it was justified.’ I peel the label off miserably. ‘He lied to me. He has some other life, and I’m just someone’s dirty secret all over again. He’s just like Mattia.’
‘Hey,’ Jesse snaps. ‘He’s nothing like that selfish prick, and once you get over yourself, you’ll figure that out.’
‘Me?’ I snap, slamming the bottle down on the step next to me angrily. ‘I’m not the one with a secret fiancée. I’m not the one who’s leaving.’
‘Who said anything about leaving?’ Jesse replies in bewilderment.
‘He did.’ I shake my head, my thoughts a quagmire I can’t seem to wade through. ‘Or at least he did back when we first started this, it was only ever supposed to be a summer fling. It was always going to end, he was always going to leave and go back to his life, back to her.’
‘He’s not leaving,’ Ryan finally speaks.
‘What?’ I frown in confusion. ‘How would you know?’
I watch him draw in a deep breath. ‘Beck, Nat’s the one who saved Sully’s.’
‘What?’ Both Jesse and I turn to stare at him.
‘He’s the investor,’ Ryan says quietly. ‘There was no bank loan, it was Nat. He ploughed almost all his inheritance and savings into saving your dad’s restaurant, and it’s a huge financial risk for him. Sully’s is doing well but far from stable. He could still lose everything if it fails.’
‘How do you know that?’ Jesse frowns.
‘I overheard him talking to your mum.’
‘I don’t understand, why would he do that?’ I shake my head.
‘Because, you idiot, he’s in love with you.’ Ryan shakes his head. ‘You think he’d take such a risk if it wasn’t your family’s place?’
‘I don’t…’
‘Yes, you do understand,’ Ryan replies. ‘You just don’t want to. Nat is a good man, he’s kind and sweet and thoughtful, and hot as hell.’
I flash him an angry glare, and he grins.
‘He may have been engaged to a woman, he may have walked away, but I do know that he wouldn’t have done that lightly or without good reason, and you need to give him the chance to explain.’
My stomach sinks, and I know he’s right; I do know Nat, and he’d never intentionally hurt someone. A hot, hard ball of misery settles in my stomach, and I know I should’ve given him the chance to tell me the truth.
‘Oh, and by the way,’ Ryan adds. ‘Nat’s sister told me at his party that he’s put his flat in Chelsea on the market. He’s not going back to London, and he’s sure as hell not going back to some woman he clearly doe
sn’t want to be with. Beck, I’ve seen the way he looks at you, and I’m telling you, the boy is all the way, head over heels in love with you. I’m pretty sure I can bet money on what Nat wants, so the question is what do you want?’
I reach into my pocket and pull out the small silver coin I’ve had since the night Nat passed out drunk on the beach. I turn it over in my fingers as the sunlight catches it and stare at the picture of Peter Rabbit.
The rabbit made me do it…
I think back over all the moments we’ve shared for the past couple of months, the way he’s looked at me, the way he’s touched me, how we’ve laughed together, how we’ve lain together, a sweaty tangle of naked limbs and shared breath. He’s been present the whole time. He’s given every single ounce of his focus, and he’s nothing like Mattia. He wasn’t trying to hide me or use me.
Everything happens for a reason…
‘Beck,’ Ryan sighs. ‘Nat isn’t going anywhere, so are you going to cut and run like you did with Mattia, or are you going to hear him out and fight for him?’
I hear Jesse’s phone ring and am vaguely aware when he wanders down the garden to answer it.
‘When did you get so smart?’ I look across at my best friend wryly.
Ryan grins and holds up one of his craft beers, on the label is a little illustration of a cave man, and the name of the beer is ‘Beer make man smart...’
‘Oh my god.’ I roll my eyes as I see Jesse striding back across the grass with a grim expression.
‘What is it?’ I ask.
‘It’s Nat,’ Jesse replies as he stares at me. ‘Mum called; his dad just showed up at the restaurant.’
Nat
The world seems to tilt on its axis as I stare at my father standing in the doorway. I feel myself shrinking under his presence the way I always do. I feel Nat slipping away slowly and Nathan take his place.
‘Excuse us, please,’ my father says coolly to Mel, and from his tone, he may as well have just blatantly told her to fuck off, except he would never lower himself to say anything so crass, the fuck you is just implied.