Chapter 36
Stupid, Stupid Boy
(Olivia)
Everything feels fuzzy. Opening my eyes seems more difficult than usual. There’s a strange pressure around my arm. My fingers twitch as I try to reach the spot, but my arms don’t want to move. A tired breath slips between my lips.
“Olivia?” Mason calls out. A second later his hands are pressed against my cheeks. “Olivia, are you awake?”
If I hadn’t been already, I am now. My lips curl into a smile as I finally open my eyes and find him hovering over me. “Mason,” I say softly.
I reach up and wrap my fingers around his shirt, pulling him closer. I can’t pinpoint why, but I feel a strange longing for him, as if we’ve been apart for ages. As I look into his eyes, confusion plagues me. Why does he look so sad, so anguished?
“Mason, what’s wrong?”
His shoulders jump as a pained breath shudders out of him. “I was so scared. I thought you were going to die, Olivia. I thought I had lost you.”
Mason buries his face in my hair, squeezing me. His arm tightens around my shoulder and sends a sharp pain shooting down to my fingertips. I gasp. The fuzziness disappears. My eyes travel past Mason’s shoulders to sterile looking walls that can only belong in a hospital. The sharp scent of antiseptic reaches my nose and the events that led me to this moment swim back into my mind.
Roughly, I shove Mason away from me. “Lost me!” I shriek. “Apparently that’s what was going to happen all along! How could you not tell me that you had to go home on your birthday? How could you …”
My voice weakens and disappears as I realize I already know the answers to most of the questions running through my mind.
When did he find out? I clench my bottom lip between my teeth. He found out the morning he kissed me. After the kiss. Only something like this could have convinced him to do what he did.
Why didn’t he tell me? Because he was afraid I’d spend the rest of our time together clinging to him, ignoring everything else, planning a way to get him home even if it meant my life was the price.
Why did he leave me for Robin? My chin starts to tremble. He didn’t, not really. It was an act, a ploy to make me forget him, to move on so his leaving wouldn’t be so hard.
Was he really going to let me date Hayden when he knows I’m in love with him? Tears roll down my cheeks and my shoulders start shaking, because I know the answer to that question too. Yes. If he thought it would protect me, he would have stood by and pushed me toward someone else.
“You stupid, stupid boy,” I say through my tears. “What were you thinking?”
Mason’s face crumbles. “I just… I didn’t know how to protect you from everything. You’ve kept me safe for twelve years and I couldn’t manage to do the same for you for even a few weeks!”
“No,” I interrupt, “that’s not what I’m talking about and you know it!”
“It was never about Robin,” Mason says. His eyes drop, and his fingers find mine. “I love you, Olivia. That never changed. I’m so sorry I hurt you. It killed me to do it, but I honestly thought it was the right thing to do, at least until… until I saw the look on your face when I took Robin’s hand. I didn’t know …”
“You didn’t know how much I loved you?”
Mason shakes his head slowly. “I didn’t know you were in love with me.”
It breaks my heart to hear him say that because it’s my fault. Even after the kiss, despite the intoxicating passion we shared in that moment, I did nothing to make sure he knew. I don’t make the same mistake twice.
The hands that shoved him away a moment ago curl around the fabric of his shirt. I pull his mouth down to mine. It hurts to strain my shoulder, but it’s a hazy thought in the back of my mind as Mason’s lips press hesitantly against mine. One of my hands releases his shirt and slips to the back of his neck. His hesitancy disappears with the tiniest amount of pressure.
Suddenly, Mason is pulling me into his arms. His lips crush against mine as his fingers burrow into my hair. I gasp at the force behind his grip, my breathing coming faster. My hand presses against his chest, but not to push him away, just to feel his heart racing beneath my touch. Mine easily matches his.
I can’t breathe when Mason’s lips leave mine and trail down the curve of my neck. His hand slides down my body, tightening around my waist as he pulls me even closer. I feel dizzy as his mouth comes back up to meet mine, but that hardly stops me from lying back and pulling him along with me. The weight of his upper body pressing down on me is strangely reassuring. My breath sticks in my chest as I pull to close every last space between us.
Mason kisses me again, but this time it is less frantic. His mouth moves against mine slowly. His fingers which are nearly digging into my side soften and glide up my body slowly. Every inch they travel draws a strangled gasp from my lips. I didn’t think my heart could beat any faster than it was a moment ago, but it is pounding so frantic it’s the only sound I can hear.
A whimper escapes my lips as Mason pulls back slightly. My fingers curl around his shirt, begging him not to leave. “Mason, I love you,” I whisper. “I love you so much and I can’t stand the thought of being away from you. Not even for a moment.”
I nearly groan in pain as Mason crushes me against him, but I bite my lip and hold it inside. Mason’s hands slowly begin stroking my back. “I love you more than I can even tell you, Ollie, but …”
I push him back roughly, shaking my head. “No buts, Mason, please. I can’t lose you.”
“You aren’t safe with me here.”
“I don’t care. This,” I say, gesturing at my bandaged arm, “is worth having you with me. I won’t let them tear you away from me.”
“I don’t want to leave,” Mason says, “but it’s not just about us. It kills me to think of leaving you, but I can’t stay here and watch the people I love get killed.”
I shake my head at him. I won’t accept this. “Nobody’s going to kill us, Mason. We’ll protect ourselves. I’ll protect you, like I always have. You can’t leave. I won’t let you. Please, Mason.”
“I know you would do anything in your power to protect me, Ollie,” Mason says softly. “I have no doubts that you would sacrifice everything for me, but I won’t let you.”
“It’s not your decision,” I argue. He can’t tell me what I can and can’t sacrifice for him.
He shakes his head. “You’re not thinking this through, Olivia.” His voice is strained, almost harsh. “It’s not just about what we want. Do you think I would ever choose to leave you if I had any other choice?”
My bottom lip begins to tremble. “You do have a choice. Stay with me.”
“And watch Evie get hit and tied up again? Watch your blood soak into my jeans as I hold you, praying you aren’t about to die? How can I stay when it might mean watching the only parents I have ever really known die at the hands of the Sentinels? I can stop all of this. I can make you all safe.” Mason’s jaw firms as his eyes turn glassy with unshed tears. “I can protect you, Olivia, all of you. All I have to do is leave.”
“No!” I say it angrily, even though I know he is right. I know it’s the only way to guarantee my family won’t be killed. The guilt my selfishness inspires within me hurts almost as much as the Sentinel’s blade slicing into my arm, but I can’t let go of Mason. I can’t give him up just to save myself.
“I’ll come with you,” I whisper, “wherever you have to go. I’ll come with you.”
Mason’s stony stance melts. He falls back into the chair he must have been sitting in earlier. His head falls to his chest. “And leave your family? Leave school? Who will protect them in case the Sentinels come back, or don’t believe I’ve really gone?”
His hands scrub against his face in frustration. “And it still leaves you with a bull’s eye on your back,” he growls. “If you leave, they’ll know you came with me. They’ll search for you… and they’ll fin
d you. You know they will.”
“I …” My voice falters. I want so badly to have the answer, to tell him it will be okay because I have a plan that will keep us safe and together. I want to believe that everything we have been through the past twelve years won’t dwindle down to a goodbye that may last forever.
My brain scrambles to come up with something. I latch onto the only thought that gives me any hope. “What about being your Escort?” I demand. “I have to be with you when it’s time for you to go home. Robin said so. We have to be together or you’ll die here.”
Mason’s body goes strangely still. His hand crushes mine painfully. I’m not even sure he’s breathing for a moment, until a breath lurches into his lungs like he’s just come up from drowning.
“Didn’t you listen to the rest of what she said?” Mason asks. His voice is heavy, harsh. The sound of it presses in on me. “She said helping me might kill you. The chance that you’ll come with me may be nothing but fantasy!”
“It may be real!” I counter. “It may be the only way we can be together, Mason.”
“Are you listening at all? Helping me get home could kill you!”
It hurts like hell for my shoulder to cross my arms over my chest, but I do it anyway. “Do you really think that will stop me?”
I expect Mason to admit defeat, but I am sorely disappointed. He stands next to my hospital bed and leans in with a deadly serious expression. “I will not put you in harm’s way again, Olivia. I love you too much to watch you die. All I have to do to stop you is leave.”
The pain in my arm is forgotten entirely. The dead body we just buried disappears from my mind. Everything but the sickening thought of living without Mason vanishes. All of the air is sucked out of my lungs like I have just been punched in the stomach. My shoulders curl in as my arms squeeze my body nearly in half.
“You can’t!” I cry. “You can’t leave me, Mason. Please. Please don’t go. I can’t stay here without you, not knowing whether you’re safe. I can’t. You can’t. Please, Mason, please.”
My body is jostled as Mason climbs up on the bed and sits next to me, his arms encircling me in an instant. His lips press against my temple, but he doesn’t say what I need him to say. I sag in defeat as Mason cradles me against his chest. The gentle stroke of his hands along my back as he whispers that everything will be okay are not enough to break through the agony building up inside of me.
“Please don’t leave,” I beg.
His tears splash down on my skin as he says, “I can’t stay, Olivia. I have to go.”
“Where? Where can you go that will be safer than staying with me?”
The sound of a door opening sends me cringing against Mason’s chest. I don’t know what I expect. Sentinels? Police come to arrest us? Some new threat I haven’t even considered? I would have welcomed any of those over what I really see.
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