Biting her lip, she stopped, her eyes glistening. “It’s hard to look at you because I did see you, Jesse. I see you, and I like you, but I can’t be with a...with a movie star. I need more privacy than that. I don’t mean to insult your way of life. If it works for you, that’s great. But it won’t work for me. So I’m sad. And I’m trying to close my heart up. I’m trying to let go of what I was hoping for. I don’t mean to be cold and rude. But if I don’t keep my distance now, later it’ll hurt more than it already does.”
I understood now. My celebrity status hadn’t eclipsed who I was in her eyes. She wasn’t refusing to see past that and into my heart. She was refusing my way of life. She was telling me what she wanted, and she was telling me that my fame made it so I didn’t fit into her dreams.
For the first time in my life, I wished I wasn’t an actor. Fame had always been a part of it. I’d never loved it, but it was something I had to deal with in order to maintain my privileged life. I had money, I had my dream job, and if people were going to take my picture while I was in public, that was part of the gig. But now I didn’t want any of it. Not if it meant Cat didn’t want me.
Chapter 19
Cat
Jesse was staring at me again. I could feel his eyes on me from the cavern doorway. I straightened the stack of maps on the counter and pretended he wasn’t there. He’d spent the last three weeks alternately staring at me and trying to pretend nothing was different between us, as if it were before my accident and I didn’t know he was famous and he didn’t know I had a problem with that.
I’d spent the weeks trying to remind myself of all the reasons I couldn’t let him convince me his fame was a non-issue. It was an issue. A big one. But the truth was, as hard as I tried not to, I still felt that invisible pull to him. The staring didn’t help.
I thought I’d made myself perfectly clear. Being close to him hurt. Keeping my distance was painful, too, but hopefully it would make it easier when he left. The problem was, he wasn’t keeping his distance. Not at all.
He’d been asking me to do things for him. With him. Little things, mostly work related, but sometimes not. He needed me to hold a flashlight while he looked for the carabiner he dropped in a crevice, or he needed me to show him where we kept the extra LED light bulbs. Not tell him, but go with him there and show him.
I couldn’t tell what his angle was. He’d started the day after I confessed to him that while I may want him, I didn’t want his life. I’d rolled clumsily into work, Otto suspiciously absent yet again, and Jesse said, “I brought donuts. Want to sit in the cavern and eat them?” I couldn’t say no to a donut. That would just be ridiculous. So we ate the donuts, making intermittent eye contact and keeping the conversation light. Meanwhile, the air between us was heavier than ever.
I told myself he was just being friendly. He was being a kind coworker. But then there was the touching. That was new. He wasn’t subtle about it—a hand on my shoulder as I zoomed past him in my wheelchair, a brush of his fingers on mine as I handed him a stack of cave brochures to hand out to a tour group. One day last week, he gently pushed my hair out of my face and tucked it behind my ear when I was studying the cave map. His fingers lingered on my cheek and I lifted my eyes to his, the map trembling in my hand. The things that happened inside my body when our eyes met were unspeakable. I wanted to feel that way all the time. But I couldn’t, so I had wheeled straight out the door, pretending I had to get something from my car.
So things were weird. Tense. Strange. But I couldn’t deny that I hopped out of bed every single morning eager to get to work so I could see him again, and every evening I took my time in leaving, wondering if he’d ask me to tell him about the crinoids or make some other little request like he’d been doing, obviously designed to keep me near him. I was helpless against his requests. I’d ramble on about fossils, his heat at my side, my stomach flipping and flopping, hoping he couldn’t tell. This was bad.
I’d made my decision. I wasn’t going to fall any further for him. I wasn’t going to get in any deeper. I would never, ever date him. It would just lead to pain and heartache, and my face on gossip websites. The mere thought of that made me want to crawl into the cave and never come out. I did not want that. I wanted privacy. I wanted anonymity. I wanted my life to be my own. And yet, here I was, his gaze on my cheek making my neck grow hot and my breath come short.
“You get your cast off tomorrow.”
I turned to him, surprised he knew that. I smiled. “Yeah. I can’t wait.”
“Do you have a ride?”
“Mama’s coming with me.”
“Okay.” He stared at me a moment longer, a strange, secret sort of grin emerging on his face.
“What? Why are you grinning like that?”
He shrugged. “I’m happy for you. I know you’re ready to get that cast off.”
I figured out what he was grinning about when I walked into the cool air of the cave gift shop the next morning, on my own two legs for the first time in six weeks. There stood Jesse with a bouquet of purple irises. My favorite. Who had he asked? Probably Audrey, since Valerie was still holding a grudge against him.
“What’s this?” I asked, walking stiffly toward him. “Celebrating my return to health and vigor?”
He thrust the flowers toward me, the look in his eyes determined and confident. “Catherine Sparrow, will you go on a date with me?”
I blinked at him, confused. “Jesse—”
“Hear me out.”
Helpless to say no with his warm, dark eyes looking at me like that, I closed my mouth and nodded.
He tipped the bouquet toward me. I took the flowers and clutched them to my chest.
He smiled at me warmly. “Cat, you’re kind and strong, funny and beautiful. I like you and I like who I am when I’m with you. You make me think. You challenge me. I want to take you on a date.”
I breathed slowly in through my nose and tried to harden my melting heart. “No.”
His smile didn’t waver. He inched closer. “Why not?”
Flustered, I cleared my throat. “I already told you. You’re a famous movie star. I won’t date you. I can’t. That world is not...for me.”
“I don’t want you to date a movie star. I want you to date me. Just me.”
A strangled laugh came out of my throat. I appreciated frank talk. It was how I operated on a daily basis. But right now, with him being so direct, it occurred to me that perhaps I was so bold in order to remain on the offense. With my own strategy lobbed back at me, I was thoroughly on the defense. “But you are a movie star.”
He tilted his head to the side. “Maybe I’m not. I haven’t been to California in over two months.”
I licked my lips. What? What was he getting at?
He came even closer. He reached out a hand and rested it on my hip. My skin burned beneath the fabric. “Come out with me.”
“I can’t, Jesse. I’m too scared.”
“What are you scared of?”
Starting to panic, I blurted, “Everything. All of it. Tabloids and paparazzi. Gossip blogs and starlets. L.A. and smog. On-screen love scenes and months-long movie shoots. I can’t do it. I won’t.”
His eyes darkened. “Can you set all that aside? Can you just see me? This can work. I don’t know what my future will be, but right now I’m standing here in front of you. Just me, nothing else. Peel the rest of it away. I’m just me in here, Cat.”
Tears bit the backs of my eyelids. I wanted to do that. I wanted to forget what he did for a living and lose myself in this moment. I wavered. “I don’t know, Jesse.” Likely sensing my indecision, his fingers curled into my hip, tugging me closer. “Wait. Hold on,” I said, trying to think of anything other than how good it felt to have his hands on me. “I don’t date. Not just movie stars. I don’t date anyone.”
His brow furrowed. “Why not?”
I backed up a step until his hand fell away. Breathing hard, my voice thin and pitched too high, I said, “I
don’t know. I just don’t. I’m the sister who studies, the one who works hard. I leave the dating to Valerie and Audrey.”
He cocked his head to the side, trying to figure me out. “Cat, I know you don’t like the life I live. I’m not sure I do either. Everything feels so weird right now. I’m confused. I’m a mess. All I know for sure is I’ll do whatever it takes to keep you close to me. I can’t take this distance between us. I can’t stand the way you avoid me. When you leave for the day, I can’t settle. I can’t breathe right until we’re together again.”
His words were a mirror of my heart. I willed my cheeks to stop burning, my breath to slow down. Maybe I could do that. Maybe I could be near him, talk to him, and see what happened. Maybe he’d leave his job. Or maybe he wouldn’t and we could just be good friends. Friends. The spinning in my stomach told me I was fooling myself with that one, but still, I said, “I can’t settle when we’re apart, either. I just...I can’t say I’ll go on a date with you.” I was allowing fear to rule me, but I was so scared at the moment, I let it.
He took the flowers from my hands and set them on the counter. He laced the fingers of both his hands through mine, tugging me closer until our clasped hands were the only thing keeping space between our bodies. Our breathing was the only sound.
“Cat? Do you feel this?” Jesse’s voice was low and rough. His thumbs stroked my fingers.
I wanted to deny it, but I was no liar. “Yes,” I whispered.
He bent his neck until his forehead rested on my hair, his breath warm. “I feel it, too. But if you’re not ready, it’s okay. If you decide you really can’t be part of my life, it’s okay. I understand.”
I needed to put space between us. If I didn’t, I’d fall all the way in. He’d engulf me, and then he’d leave. Or he’d want me to come with him, and I couldn’t do that. I pushed away, unclasping my hands from his. Disappointed in my lack of courage, I lifted my chin and met his eyes. “I’m confused too. And until that goes away, I’m not making any decisions.”
He bit his lower lip, and my stomach clenched. “But you won’t keep your distance from me? You’ll spend time with me?”
That sounded suspiciously like dating to me, but the word that fell from my lips was, “Okay.”
Chapter 20
Jesse
Grandpa and I had dinner on the front porch. I grilled burgers and he made a salad, picking the greens from the small garden he kept in the back. He swung gently in the swing, his plate in his lap. I sat a few feet down the porch in the rocking chair. “You haven’t been at the cavern much lately,” I said.
He coughed. “I’ve been under the weather.”
I rolled my eyes. He wasn’t sick. He’d been mowing, cutting firewood, pulling weeds, and he’d even retiled the upstairs bathroom floor. “You’ve been giving Cat and me time alone.”
He winked. “Is it working?”
I chuckled, but then I sighed. “You don’t have to worry about her ever leaving this place to come to California with me.”
“I was thinking more along the lines of her taking you away from California. Her keeping you here.”
The thought hadn’t left my mind the last few weeks. I liked it here. I had enough money for the rest of my life, so I didn’t need to act to earn a living. But there were reasons I needed to go back. Several months ago I’d signed a contract for a film. I was due on set in four months. It was a smaller, indie film. The script had snuck through my agent’s screening process, the pages tucked in the middle of the script for another big action flick. I’d read it, and I wanted to do it.
And there was my mom. I missed her, and she wouldn’t come back here. Not with things the way they were between her and Grandpa. Also, at some point I’d have to deal with the house James and I shared. The thought of selling it made my breath come short. I wasn’t ready to decide.
“Is that why you let yourself get attached to Cat? Why you were able to open up to her the way you couldn’t with Mom? Because you know she’ll never leave?”
He pushed the swing slowly with the toe of one shoe, took a bite, and took his time chewing. I sighed. Clearly he was letting me stew in the tone of my words. I was accusing him. He might agree with me, he might not, but either way he was giving me a moment so I could acknowledge the meaning behind my words.
For years I’d been angry on my mother’s behalf. But hearing his side of it had softened my heart. It was habit to hold him to account, but Mom had made poor choices, too. I didn’t want to do that anymore. It wasn’t my job to make sure he understood where he’d gone wrong. He already knew it, and Mom was strong enough to handle it on her own, and so was Grandpa. I wanted out of the middle.
“I retract the question,” I said.
He watched me, the chain of the swing creaking, and he answered. “I didn’t say she would never leave Alden. I said she might attract you here. But it’s true I’m not worried about Cat leaving me, but I don’t mean geographically. She might move away, but she’d keep in touch.”
“You see,” he said, turning further toward me, “This is what Cat has taught me. When she showed up, that very first day, I think I saw it as a chance to try again. Not a do-over. Never that. Poppy and Cat are different people. I’m a different person now than I was then. But I wanted someone in my life that I hadn’t disappointed and that I never quit on. My never quitting on her means she will never quit on me.”
“I called your mom last night,” he said, his gaze directed outward, toward the trees.
Something loosened within me, something that had been clenched up tight since the first time I ever heard them argue when I was a little boy.
“She answered,” he said, chuckling. “That’s a start. We talked for about five minutes. She asked about you, and I answered, but I have to tell you, Jesse, that hearing her voice was—” he broke off here, his voice cracking. He cleared his throat and smiled, meeting my eyes. “I needed that. And if Cat leaves someday, I won’t be unhappy. I’ll understand she isn’t leaving me, she’s taking part of me with her.”
I rocked in my chair, eating slowly, listening to the insects begin their nightly symphony. Grandpa’s words worked their way through my mind. I couldn’t force Cat into my life. I couldn’t force anything. She was willing to spend time with me. That was enough. Maybe she’d change her mind about reaching for more. Maybe she’d decide all my baggage was worth it. Maybe she wouldn’t. Either way, it was going to be up to her.
Cat flipped the sign to closed and bent down to grab her backpack from the drawer. She moved gingerly, guarding her knee. She said it wasn’t sore, but it was stiff, and using it felt strange. I didn’t dare offer to help her.
My mouth went dry as I thought about what I was about to ask her. Please let her say yes. “Can I ask you something?”
She swung her backpack over one shoulder and looked at me warily. “Sure.”
“Will you walk around Grandpa’s property with me? I want you to show me where the recluse lived. Is the cabin still there?”
A smile spread across her face, and she bit her lip to contain it. Once her mouth was back under her control, she said, “I haven’t been out there in years. I assume it’s still standing, but last time I was there it was pretty run down. The roof was about to fall in.”
“Will you take me there?”
“Okay. Yes.”
I grinned. “Lead the way.”
“Let me text my sisters where I’m going.”
She sent the text and her phone immediately pinged. And pinged again and again and again. She shoved the phone into the front pocket of her backpack, where it continued to notify her she had texts.
“Shouldn’t you answer them?”
“No. They’re just asking questions I don’t have answers to. I’m going to leave it in my car.” We walked across the parking lot, and she opened her car door and tossed the backpack in. “There.”
I smiled, but a worry I’d been stewing over for the last six weeks rose to the surface. “What d
oes your family think about all this?”
She grinned at me. “All this? You mean what do they think about you being a celebrity who’s frequently on the evening talk show they watch every night? Mama was positively over the moon. She wouldn’t stop telling me to have you over for dinner—but that’s more to do with you being a male human than you being a celebrity.”
“What do you mean?”
“Any hint of a man in my life puts roses in her cheeks. She thinks I’m not going to be fulfilled until I find love. That’s how it was for her, so I suppose she thinks that’s a universal truth. You should have seen her when I didn’t go to senior prom.”
“Why didn’t you go to your prom?”
We walked up a steep, grassy incline, and entered the shade of the forest, the cool air welcome on my shoulders. “I didn’t want to. None of the boys appealed to me.”
“Why did it matter so much to your mom that you go?”
“She had a hard life. Her family was abusive. She left the moment she turned eighteen. She threw as much stuff as she could fit into her school backpack and a trash bag, and went to the bus station. There was a bus about to leave, and she said she wanted a ticket to wherever that bus was headed. It happened to be going here, to Alden. She hasn’t talked to her family since. They never tried to find her, which is good because she didn’t want them to.”
Cat was short of breath, and moving slowly through the trees, keeping a careful eye where she set her feet down. “Let’s sit on this log a minute, and rest. There’s no hurry.” I thought she might argue with me, but she sat down and stretched her leg out in front of her, rubbing the skin around her knee.
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