Sunnie had insisted that I set a goal. So I’d written down “Walk again in six months.” And I placed that on the wall in the den right in front of the parallel bars.
“It’s a matter of motivation if you have feeling below your waist,” Sunnie had said, when telling me how achievable my goal really was.
But today was one of those days when I just wanted to sit on the sofa and watch TV. I’d even take some episodes of Gunsmoke over this torture.
“I told you, you have to focus,” Sunnie said. “Apple.”
I managed a laugh as I inhaled. She had insisted that I think of my body as an apple and keep my focus on my core because “a strong core leads to steadier sitting, standing, and walking.”
“Come on, Aja, you can do this,” Sunnie said, her voice raising an octave like a cheerleader. “Resist the temptation to hunch over. Stand tall like a tree.”
“Do you want me to be an apple or a tree?” I snapped.
Sunnie remained unfazed by barrage of verbal attacks. “Evenly distribute your weight on your legs . . . You’re not breathing. Exhale.”
How could she always tell that I wasn’t breathing?
“What if I fall?” I asked.
“Then you get back up.” She adjusted my leg. “Dig in with your toes. Use your toes for all they’re worth. If you’re falling forward, press your toes into the ground and fight to remain upright. But falling is part of learning how to walk again, so accept it and don’t be scared of it.”
Back when I was in middle school and taking gymnastics classes at the Y, we learned how to fall. We lined up on the mat and our teacher would push us. Our job was to draw our arms in and roll around on the floor like a ball. We were to try not to put our arm out if we fell because it might break or get otherwise hurt. I had mastered the art of falling back then. But now, for some reason, I couldn’t muster up the confidence that I had back then.
“Stop worrying about falling. Mr. Clayton didn’t buy these plush mats for nothing. They’ll protect you. And if anything does happen, I’m right here.” She moved closer so that I could feel her presence. “When you start moving around, you have a wall radar,” she said. “You know where the walls are and if you fall, you will break the fall against a wall.”
Sunnie’s optimism and confidence was often enough to squash my fears. Most of the time, anyway.
Unfortunately, today wasn’t one of those times.
“Come on, Aja,” she said. I could tell I was frustrating her. “There is no magic in attaining these skills—it’s purely repetition. If you want to walk again, you have to repeat your physical training and activities day in and day out, and be willing to push yourself in a situation where there is so much pressure. After all, pressure builds diamonds.”
“I’m tired,” was the only response I could muster.
“Soft tissues heal faster through movement, so we can’t stop.”
“I’m tired,” I repeated as I plopped down in my chair.
She stepped back. “Okay, fine. Guess you’re more tired of trying than you are of being in that chair.”
I rolled my eyes at her, and huffed, then pulled myself back up on the bars. Dang, she was good.
Chapter 27
There would be no extra working out today. Sunnie had worked me until my body begged for mercy. I couldn’t be mad—well, I was, but I got over it, because yesterday, I’d taken two steps without help. Sunnie had pushed and pushed me today, and while I pushed myself just as hard, I couldn’t go any farther than the two steps.
“Well, it’s been a great session,” she said, gathering her things. “I am sooo impressed with your progress.” She turned toward the kitchen and called for Charles. “Mr. Clayton, did you still need to go to the store? I was going to leave, but I can wait for you to get back.”
Charles stepped from the kitchen, wiping his hands on a dish towel. “No, it’s fine. I’m cooking dinner now. I’ll go in a bit, but Aja will be fine. I won’t be gone long.”
“Okay, great. See you tomorrow,” she said, bouncing out the door.
She hadn’t been gone five minutes when I heard the doorbell ring, and even if I wanted to get up to get it, my body wouldn’t cooperate.
Usually, when Sunnie left, no matter how exhausted as I was, I would continue my standing and moving exercises. But today I could barely move. The doctor had given me a good prognosis, so I was confident that it wouldn’t be long before I was up and moving again.
“I got it,” Charles said, heading past me from the kitchen. As soon as he opened the door, I heard Simone squeal.
“Hey. Hey. Hey,” she said.
“Hello, ladies,” Charles said. “So nice to see you. Aja is in the den. Come on in.”
I know my girls had been trying to get by here to see me, but I’d been giving them excuse after excuse. The only one I had really let come by was Roxie. But I guess they were no longer waiting on an invitation since they were now standing over me in my den.
“You look a hot mess,” Nichelle said.
“Hello to you, too,” I replied.
“Just because you almost died doesn’t mean you need to look like you almost died,” Simone added.
I couldn’t help but smile. I hadn’t wanted them to come, but now that they were here, I was glad to see them.
“I’ve been in my intense PT,” I said. “But you guys just can’t listen, huh? I said I wasn’t up to visitors.”
Simone shrugged and came over to hug me. “And I said we don’t really care what you said. We haven’t seen you since you left the hospital and that is totally unacceptable.”
Roxie and Nichelle also hugged me and then got comfortable on each side of me as Simone sat across from me.
“So, what’s up? How’s life?” Simone asked.
I glared at her, then glanced down at my legs, then over at my wheelchair. “How do you think it is?”
“Roxie told us the good news that you were up and moving,” Simone continued, not feeding into my negativity.
I took a deep breath and sighed. “Yeah. I’m actually feeling a lot better, at least physically. My PT is a beast.”
Roxie glanced back over her shoulder toward the kitchen where Charles had gone back in. “How’s everything here?” she whispered.
I shrugged. “Charles is Charles. His usual loving self.”
The look on Nichelle’s face softened. “Maybe. Maybe everything happened for a reason.”
“Let’s just hold off a little bit,” I whispered. “Charles mentioned that he was about to head to the store.” They nodded. No more words needed to be said and we began chatting about something else.
Five minutes later, Charles came through and said, “Okay. I’m heading out. I’m going to pick up some wine now that your girls are here because I’m assuming you all will be joining us for dinner.”
“Are you cooking?” Simone said.
“My Cajun shrimp and pasta specialty,” Charles replied.
“Oh, yeah. You might need to get me some fresh sheets for the guest bedroom,” Nichelle added.
They all laughed.
“I’ll bring back wine,” Charles said.
“Stella Rosa,” Simone called after him.
“Hennessy!” Nichelle added.
We all watched as Charles walked outside. They gave him a few minutes until they heard the car backing out of the driveway and then Simone said, “So, spill.”
“Spill what?” I replied.
“How is it? I mean, you had left the man,” she said.
I sighed. “It’s like I never did. It just makes me feel even more guilty. He’s not missing a beat taking care of me.”
All three of them looked at each other knowingly.
“Well, that’s because he’s that type of guy,” Simone said.
“I know,” I said, sighing. “Maybe this is a way that I was supposed to look at my husband in a new light. Maybe this is a sign that I’m supposed to be right where I am.”
Roxie hadn’t said
a word since Charles left. She studied me throughout our whole conversation. “What do you have to say?” I finally asked her.
She looked sad as she bit down on her bottom lip like she was weighing her words. Finally she said, “The woman I saw dancing around my apartment to Barbra Streisand as she worked on a painting, where is she?”
Tears filled my eyes as I shrugged. “She died in the car wreck, I guess.”
“That makes me sad,” Roxie said.
“You?” I threw my hands up in defeat. “But it is what it is. I have been thinking about this, though. Charles rearranged our lives.” I motioned around the den. “I mean, look at this place. He bought all of this PT equipment. He waits on me hand and foot. I hurt him so bad and he’s still stepped up—without hesitation—to take care of me. His mother is right. I’d be a fool not to see how much he loved me.”
I waited on my friends to say something. No one did. So I added, “I mean, it’s not like I don’t love him.”
“But what happened to all that self-discovery?” Roxie asked.
“It went out the window with one text,” I said, somberly.
“Don’t look at it like that,” Simone said. “Charles is indeed one of a kind and maybe you just needed something to make you appreciate that.”
“Maybe,” I replied.
“You know what?” Nichelle said. “I have a suggestion. Until he gets back with the drinks, let’s have fun. You know, like we had in the DR.”
“Have fun how? I can’t even walk,” I said.
“Well, I could tell you guys about my latest date,” Simone said. “That online dating is something else. This guy had a gorgeous picture on his profile. I go to meet him and he was forty years older and looking like my great-granddaddy. Had the nerve to tell me that was his grandson’s picture.”
“Ha, you got catfished,” Roxie laughed.
“Right? That’s what I’m telling Aja. It’s nothing out here. She’d better hang on to her good man.”
Roxie shook her head. “This journey Aja is on has nothing to do with a man. And that’s a good thing.”
“Well, maybe it would make sense if it did. I can see tossing aside one man for another. I can’t understand wanting to leave in the pursuit of happiness. Don’t you know happiness is fleeting?”
“Don’t listen to negative Nancy,” Simone said. “We just want you to find your joy . . . whatever that may be.”
Nichelle had just waved her comment off as the doorbell rang.
“You expecting someone?” Simone asked.
“No, maybe it’s my mother-in-law and she forgot her key.”
Nichelle walked over and opened the door. “May, I help you?” I heard her say.
“Hi, um, I’m Sunnie Ray, is Aja here?”
“That’s my therapist,” I called out.
Sunnie bounced into the room and each one of my friends grew silent as their eyes roamed from Sunnie’s head down to her tiny Nike tennis shoes.
“Hey, y’all, this is Sunnie, my physical therapist. Sunnie, these are my very best friends.”
“Hi!” she exclaimed.
None of them spoke, they just kept staring at her.
Roxie was sitting next to me, so I elbowed her.
“Oh, ah, hi, I’m Roxie. That’s Nichelle and Simone,” she said pointing across the room.
“Nice to meet you, ladies,” Sunnie said. “Aja, sorry, I forgot my phone.” She motioned toward the fireplace mantel, then stepped over and picked it up. “You know we can’t function without this these days.” She giggled as she held the phone up. “Well, nice to meet you ladies. I just adore Aja and she’s making tremendous progress.”
“Yeah, Sunnie is working her magic,” I said.
“I bet she is,” Nichelle said, not cracking a smile.
I frowned, but Sunnie didn’t seem to notice the tension in the room.
“Well, I have to get going. Enjoy your girl time!” she said before disappearing out the door.
As soon as the door slammed, Nichelle turned on me. “Have you lost your ever-loving mind?” she said.
“What?” I asked. “And why were you guys so rude?”
“I know doggone well you’re not having that Pamela Ander-son–Kimora Lee bombshell bouncing all up and through this house,” Nichelle said.
“Yeah,” Simone added. “You might as well just put her in a bowl of gravy and hand Charles a biscuit.”
“What?” I said. “You guys are tripping. Sunnie is a professional. She’s here helping me.”
“And she’s going to help herself to your husband,” Simone warned.
I shook my head. “Why, because she’s a pretty girl, I should hold that against her and not have her in my house?”
“Hell yeah,” Simone and Nichelle said at the same time.
“It was just a little surprising,” Roxie said. “I’m sure, you know, with your condition, you and Charles aren’t intimate so having Miss Thang parade around your house might be a little too tempting for my taste.”
“Exactly,” Nichelle said. “And the last thing you need is to be have that Nicki Minaj ass bouncing around your house.”
“And I’m sure she’d be happy to snag her a man like Charles,” Simone said. “You’d better keep one eye on that chick at all times.”
I couldn’t help but laugh. My girls were doing the most. Sunnie was here to help me, just like she’d been doing. I couldn’t let them fill my head with doubt and get me off my mission. But I did take a moment and think. Of course Charles would move on if I ever left. I waited to see if I’d feel any kind of jealousy at that thought. My heart hurt when I realized that I didn’t.
Chapter 28
I remember when Anika and Eric took their first steps. We were so excited and Charles used his video camera to document every step. Anika, especially, was particularly proud when she was able to balance herself and move. She kept falling but she kept getting up until she was able to walk from my arms to her dad’s.
My fifteen-month-old child was the visual inspiration I was using right now. I needed her determination and fearlessness in order to follow Sunnie’s commands.
“Come on, Aja. You got this.”
Sunnie was standing about fifteen feet away, urging me to walk. She was in full cheerleader mode. For the past three weeks, I’d been on an intense regimen, and my improvement had shocked everyone. My mobility had improved drastically and I was able to walk with assistance. But today was the first time Sunnie wanted me to walk on my own.
“Come on, they said you wouldn’t stand up and you did,” she encouraged when I wouldn’t move. “They said you wouldn’t get out of the wheelchair and you did. You can do this!”
“Did you used to be a cheerleader in another life?” I asked her.
“I’m a cheerleader right now,” she said, clapping her hands. “Come on.”
“Okay,” I said. I took a huge breath, then a smile spread across my face because I felt it in my bones. Whatever circuits went from my brain to my legs were ready to do their thing. I slowly moved my right foot, maintained my balance, and moved my left foot.
“Yes,” Sunnie said.
Right. Left. Right. Left.
“Yes, yes, yes!”
My heart was racing, but I stayed focused and moved and moved until I was on the other side of the room. When I reached Sunnie, I squealed with joy and threw my arms around her neck.
I turned around to Charles, who was standing in back of me, recording just like he’d recorded Eric’s and Anika’s first steps. A mist filled his eyes.
“Did you see that, babe?” I asked.
“Yes. You walked.” He stopped filming and took a step toward me.
I held up my hand to stop him. “No. I’m going to walk to you.”
He stopped as I repeated the walking process, each step getting a little easier. I imagined this was where Anika’s joy must’ve come from the day she learned to walk. She wanted to walk everywhere. A trip to the mall would take twice as long becaus
e she insisted on walking. I now understood what my toddler was feeling.
Charles took me into his arms and smothered me with kisses. “Oh my God, sweetheart. I’m so happy.”
I pulled away and looked at my physical therapist. “Sunnie did this.”
She blushed and waved my comment off. “It wasn’t me. It was your wife’s determination,” she said.
Charles was all grins and walked over and hugged her. “We are so grateful to you.” He pulled her tight.
I was thrilled about my achievement, but my girls’ words were in my head.
“You’d better watch her.” So, instinctively, I began to watch.
I noticed the way her hands curved into the small of his back. The way her body seemed to relax in his embrace. She was about three inches shorter than me, so her head stopped in the middle of his chest.
Watching them made my smile slowly fade. But then, Charles pulled away from her and turned back to me. “This is just wonderful. I can’t wait to share the news.”
I kept my gaze on Sunnie. Was that a flash of guilt? I shook it off. I was letting my girls’ words get to me. Sunnie had saved my life. The last thing I was going to do was look at her side-eye like she was trying to steal my husband.
Chapter 29
My happiness at being able to walk was tempered by my husband’s constant doting. As usual, he had taken control, telling me when I’d had enough exertion, dictating how much was too much, and even monitoring the food that I ate.
Charles was getting on my nerves. I knew he meant well, but right about now, I was wishing that he had some friends, some fraternity brothers, something outside of work to occupy his time. Before, it just felt like life in general was suffocating me. Now Charles had the suffocation covered all by himself.
“We’re here, babe,” he said as we pulled into the parking lot of St. Luke’s Hospital.
“I’m not blind,” I said. The sarcasm came out before I could rein it in. I’d wanted to go to the art store to get some more art supplies so I could resume painting, but Charles had been late getting home to take me to the doctor and told me that he had to rush to a meeting afterward.
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