by Kat Cho
“There’s no getting over losing someone. You’ll never go back to how you lived before,” Junu said. “You just learn how to live a different way.”
“Are you still going to leave?” Miyoung asked quietly. She hated that she was scared of losing him. Junu had become a strange part of her life. Not really a friend, though she thought she could trust him like one. And not really like family, though he annoyed her like one. Maybe something a bit in between? And after she’d lost so much, she couldn’t risk letting him go without asking. At least she had to ask.
“I’m not sure,” Junu said slowly.
“What will you tell Somin?” Miyoung asked.
“I don’t know,” he admitted. “I’m scared to say goodbye to her.”
Miyoung laughed. “You should be. She’ll beat the crap out of you.”
“She deserves better than me.”
“Isn’t it up to her to decide what she deserves?” Miyoung asked.
Junu scowled at that, and Miyoung recognized the look. It was a look of someone who knew they were wrong but didn’t want to admit it. “What if she doesn’t want me to stay?” His voice shook, and Miyoung’s heart softened a bit.
“I’m not sure what Somin wants. But for what it’s worth, I want you to stay.” She didn’t look at him as she said the words. It was embarrassing. And she didn’t want to hope that he’d say yes.
“Really?” Junu sounded surprised.
Now Miyoung did look up, her eyes meeting his. He watched her cautiously. Like he was afraid to hope, too. “Yes. I’d like you to stay.”
Junu nodded. “Then maybe I should stay.”
70
MIYOUNG SAT AT her desk on Monday, staring at the crisp page in her workbook. With school started again, she had something to occupy her days now. Though, she’d fallen sorely behind at the beginning of the school year from so many tardies.
Other students mingled around her since it was free period. Many of them were using the time to study since the suneung exams were closer than ever.
Miyoung still wasn’t used to the idea that she was at the same school she’d attended last year.
Usually Miyoung never lasted past a few months, let alone a whole school year.
True, there was that period of time last winter that she’d been gone. Hunting for a cure to her missing yeowu guseul. She rubbed a hand against her chest. There was still a strange hollow feeling beneath her ribs, like a part of her heart had been ripped free. But she felt the beat beneath her palm, and she knew she’d be okay. She was mortal now. Truly mortal. It’s what she wanted. Even if she still missed certain parts of her old life.
She jumped as hands dropped on her shoulders. Then heard Jihoon’s amused chuckle.
Miyoung hadn’t even heard anyone coming up behind her. That would never have happened before. But she supposed there were worse things than having your boyfriend surprise you in the middle of class. Especially a boyfriend she’d been on the brink of losing a week ago.
She turned in her seat so she could see Jihoon’s dimpled grin.
“Did you get the snacks you wanted?”
“And yours,” he said, holding out the honey-butter chips. Miyoung grinned and ripped into the bag. For some reason, food tasted more delicious now. Funny, she’d have thought it would be the opposite, since so many of her senses were duller after severing her connection to her bead.
“I didn’t hear from you last night,” Jihoon said. His voice was casual but his eyes were unblinking. Like he was watching for any signs of distress.
“I needed some time after visiting my mother,” she admitted. “And I wanted to go shopping for some things for my room.”
“Your room?” Jihoon frowned.
“Yeah, I figured since it’s more of a permanent situation now, I want it to feel more like my space, you know?”
“So, you’re staying there. With him?” Jihoon sounded surprised.
“I figure the guy deserves a break.” She shrugged.
“I’m glad,” Jihoon said.
“Really?” Miyoung asked. “Since when were you Team Junu?”
“I’ve never been anti-Junu.” Jihoon shrugged. “I just didn’t know if we should trust him before. But I guess, when a guy saves your life, you owe it to him to cut him some slack.”
“I am grateful to him. I don’t want to think about what I’d do if I’d lost you.” She was still awkward about sharing her feelings with people, even Jihoon. “I guess I’d have hated to lose you before I could tell you . . .” She choked on the words. They felt thick and uncomfortable in her throat.
Jihoon squeezed her hands. “You don’t have to say it. I know it.”
“No,” Miyoung said fiercely. “I want to. I want to tell you that I love you.” She said it fast. Like someone admitting to a crime instead of confessing their love. But Jihoon laughed, a delighted sound.
“Of course you make love sound like you’re being tortured,” Jihoon said.
“Ya! I’m trying here.” Miyoung scowled.
“I know,” Jihoon said, pressing a light kiss to her nose.
She hunched, her eyes darting toward the other kids in the room. “Don’t do that in the middle of school.”
“What? I can’t kiss my yeo-chin?” Jihoon asked, raising his voice.
Some of the kids looked over, rolling their eyes like they were bored with Jihoon and Miyoung’s relationship antics. Then they turned back to their homework or their conversations, mostly ignoring Jihoon.
“See?” he said. “No one cares what we do. We’re just normal students.”
Miyoung frowned. That was also going to take some getting used to. But it seemed like being with Jihoon made her “normal” now. And she smiled at the thought. It was going to be nice being a regular teenager who didn’t carry around the weight of deadly secrets.
There was a sudden bustle of activity in the hallway. Miyoung checked the time. Free study period wasn’t over yet. But kids were shuffling around, hurriedly gathering into small groups to whisper. Anxiety spread through her. This was a familiar scene. Kids gossiping about someone, usually her. But they weren’t looking into the classroom. They were all staring down the hall.
Then she saw him. Junu walked past the windows between the classroom and the hallway. Girls giggled as he passed them. But unlike his usually flirty self, Junu didn’t seem to notice.
Every eye was on him as he moved assuredly through the hallway. His eyes glanced toward their classroom, scanning the seats. He nodded in greeting when he saw Miyoung and Jihoon. She lifted a hand in a small wave.
“You know him?” a girl asked, leaning over her desk toward Miyoung.
This girl had once been one of Miyoung’s tormentors, and now she watched Miyoung with unaffected interest, waiting for a reply.
“Um, yeah, he’s kind of like my cousin?” Miyoung looked at Jihoon, who gave her an encouraging nod. “We live together.”
“Daebak,” the girl said. “Does he have a girlfriend?”
Miyoung pursed her lips at that. “I think that’s what he’s here to find out.”
The girl frowned in confusion, so Miyoung took pity on her. “Yeah, I’m pretty sure he has a girlfriend.”
With a sigh, the girl turned back to her desk, muttering about how the cute ones were always taken.
“What do you think he’s really doing here?” Jihoon asked Miyoung quietly.
“I think he’s looking for Somin,” Miyoung said, opening her workbook again.
“I hope she gives him hell.”
Miyoung smiled to herself. Is this what it felt like to be content? To know that everyone you cared about could be happy? To have people to care about? If it was, then Miyoung thought everything they’d gone through might have been worth it. If she was allowed to have this life now. And maybe she didn’t need to just survive anymo
re. Maybe now she could give herself permission to really live.
“I’m sure she’ll give him exactly what he deserves.”
71
SOMIN STARED AT her math workbook, and nothing made sense. She was usually so good at math. In fact, she was planning to enter the upcoming math contest to increase the specs on her college applications after her talk with her mother. But try as she might, she couldn’t get herself to study the material.
This study room was usually empty because it was next to the bathroom that was constantly flooding because of bad plumbing. When it was really bad, water would start to seep into this study room as well. So most students avoided it because they were squeamish. But Somin had been desperate for some quiet. Even that hadn’t helped.
She closed the workbook and dropped her head on top of it with a thud.
“Ow.” She let out an unhappy moan, muffled by her workbook.
“Is this normal human behavior?”
Somin jerked upright and frowned at Hyuk.
“Why are you here? To play more games with our lives?”
“A jeoseung saja doesn’t play. And we’re not supposed to do anything that affects outcomes in the mortal realm.”
“Not supposed to,” Somin said. “But you did.”
“There were extenuating circumstances. We had to do what we could to close the tear between worlds.”
“But you did more than help us close the tear. You wanted me to save Junu.”
“I merely told you where Junu was going. I never told you how to stop him or even if you could.”
“But you didn’t have to tell me. Why did you?”
When Hyuk didn’t answer, Somin did. “Because you care about him. He’s someone special to you.”
“A jeoseung saja does not have connections. In any realm.” Hyuk frowned again. “But we were once human, too. Though our memories of our humanity are taken, we all know where we once came from.”
“And Junu reminds you of your humanity?” Somin asked.
“He’s special. I always wanted to help him defeat the ghosts that haunted him. I never could. But you did,” Hyuk said. “I’m glad I was right about you.”
Somin wasn’t sure if he was right. After all, she hadn’t been able to get in touch with Junu for a week. But she didn’t want to tell the reaper that. A part of her was scared of disappointing him.
“Will we see you again?” Somin asked instead, though she didn’t know what she wanted the answer to be.
“I hope not,” Hyuk said. “This isn’t my world.” Somin saw a bit of wistfulness on his face, the first hint of emotion she’d ever seen on the reaper. “I should go.”
Somin thought he’d just disappear into vapors like he had before, but instead he walked to the door. When he opened it, Junu stood on the other side, his hand reaching for the knob. Somin jumped up at the sight of him, her chair scraping across the floor. Junu froze, surprise flashing across his features as he stared at the reaper.
“What are you doing here?” he asked.
“I’m just leaving. I wish you well, old friend.” Then he turned and did disappear where he stood. And Somin realized the reaper had come here to see Junu, to make sure he was okay.
Junu was staring at the spot where Hyuk had just stood. When he didn’t move to step in or out of the room, Somin cleared her throat meaningfully.
He looked up and seemed to finally remember she was here. It was a blow to her ego to realize he’d forgotten about her.
“What was he talking to you about?”
“It was private,” she said, primly sitting down again. Taking her time smoothing out her uniform skirt. As if it didn’t matter to her at all that the last time they’d seen each other, she’d been trying to reach beyond the veil of the living and pull his soul back. That he hadn’t reached out to her at all since then.
And she felt a fire lifting in her. An anger that told her that she was still Lee Somin, the ace of this school, and not someone to be played around with.
“You know, I would have appreciated if you’d have returned one of my texts or calls. The polite thing to do when you want to end things with someone is to tell them directly.” The words spilled out of her like hot air, and she suddenly felt deflated. Her lips trembled, and angry tears started to fill her eyes.
She turned back to her workbook, ducking her head so he couldn’t see them. She hoped with all her might that he’d just leave now. She was mortified. Crying over a boy.
“Somin-ah,” Junu said. But she held up a hand to hold him at bay. If he came any closer, he’d see what a mess she was. “I wasn’t trying to end things.”
She let out a scoffing laugh. “You have a funny way of saying you still care, then.”
Junu sighed and, despite Somin’s protests, sat in the chair beside her.
“I was never planning to end things without talking to you.”
“But you were planning to end things.”
Junu’s eyes squinted in thought. “I’m not used to having . . . connections. It’s easier to be on my own in my line of business.”
Somin snorted in derision. “Sure, because business should always come first.”
“Well, maybe I also convinced myself that you were all better off without me and the baggage that comes along with me. I thought it would be better—”
“Of course you did!” Somin shouted, and Junu leaned back in surprise. “Of course you decided you knew better. Why? Because you’re, like, a thousand years older than us? Well, I’ve got news for you. Our problems weren’t all because of you. You didn’t force Miyoung to lose her bead. You didn’t force Yena to sacrifice herself for her daughter. You didn’t create that rip between the worlds. In fact, you were the one trying to foolishly fix it all by yourself. But guess what, it got fixed because we all worked together. That’s why you shouldn’t keep things all bottled up inside like a babo, know-it-all michin-nom.”
She took a deep breath that stretched her lungs, then let it out slowly. It felt good. Like she’d expelled a week’s worth of anger that had been festering inside of her.
“I know,” Junu said.
Somin opened her mouth to argue more before she processed what he’d said. “What?”
“I got a lecture from Miyoung yesterday. Granted, less harsh. But I understand that you’re mad,” Junu said. “That you have a right to be mad,” he added.
“I’m not just mad,” Somin said. “I’m hurt. On the mountain, you said you didn’t want to leave me, but that’s just what you did this last week. You left me alone to deal with everything that happened.”
“I was scared,” Junu whispered, his eyes lowered. “I’m still scared of how much I feel for you.”
Somin found that she couldn’t maintain the high level of anger she’d been walking around with all week, but she didn’t want to let him off the hook that easily. “So you’re here now. But how can I trust you won’t get scared again and leave?”
“I’m not sure,” Junu said. “But I do want to stay.”
“Oh yeah? You’ve decided to give slumming it with the humans a try?”
“No,” Junu said with a smile. “I’ve decided that I want to really live. That I want to let myself feel the pain that I’ve held back for centuries. Because if I can feel the pain, then maybe I can also feel happiness one day. And I honestly don’t think anything makes me happier right now than you.”
Somin forced her lips into a frown. Otherwise she’d smile like a lovesick schoolgirl and she didn’t want to give Junu the satisfaction. At least not yet. She’d suffered for a week. He could suffer for another five minutes.
“So what are you proposing? We date? I’m very busy studying for the suneung exam. I wasted my whole summer break on ridiculous things like saving the world.”
He laughed, but there was appreciation in his eyes. He took her hand
s in his. “I’m proposing that we try our hardest to make each other happy. Not really sure what that’s going to look like. But I am sure that I love your hands. I love when they’re holding mine.” He brought her hands to his lips to kiss them. Somin’s breath caught.
“I love your eyes. I love when they’re spewing fire at me like you’ll strike me down if I do something bullheaded or selfish.” He pressed a kiss to her temple beside the corner of her eye. Somin’s heart leapt, racing so fast she thought it would burst from her chest.
“I love your lips. I love when they’re telling me when I’m wrong. When they’re telling me that you care. When they’re yelling at me.” He pressed a featherlight kiss to her lips.
“Don’t you dare say you want to possess everything I have,” Somin said, her hands squeezing his with warning.
“Never,” Junu said with a smile that lit up his handsome face so it dazzled her like the sun. “I love everything you possess. I love it because you possess it. Because I love you.”
Now Somin couldn’t hold back her smile anymore. “You definitely have a way with words,” she said. “I don’t get it. It should sound corny and horrible, but somehow you make it sound so good.”
Junu leaned forward so they were eye to eye and all she could see was the warm brown of his irises. “I’ll teach you how.”
“You better,” Somin said as their lips crushed together. She felt herself being lifted from her chair and deposited in his lap.
“You didn’t say it back,” Junu said against her lips.
“What?” Somin asked, but she couldn’t help smiling.
His mouth trailed from hers, kissed her cheek, her jaw, the sensitive lobe of her ear. Then he whispered, “Are you really going to make me ask?”
“Yes,” Somin said, though it came out as more of a breathy sigh than a command.
“Do you love me, Lee Somin?”
She turned so they were face-to-face again. Their noses touching. “I do. I love you, Jin Junu. God help us both.”
EPILOGUE