by Jina Bacarr
Soon after Sister Vincent found the lot of them homes in the village, but when she asked me for the key back, I swore up and down I lost it. I didn’t tell her I’d hidden it since Sister Ursula has a habit of locking disobedient girls in their cell… I wanted it for an emergency.
Five, ten minutes go by… I keep tugging on the board, bracing myself when I feel it budge a little, then—
Pop! I lift up the floorboard and reach around the damp earth underneath till my fingers wrap around the jagged key. I grab it, ignoring the settling heaviness in my body from the sister’s hard blows, then rub off the dirt and pray to the Almighty to forgive me for lying to Sister Vincent as I turn it in the lock. Click. I can’t hold back the excitement filling me, the sobs of joy. Never has a prayer been answered with such enthusiasm.
I’m free.
I grab my cloth bag and peek outside the door. The hallway with its dim gaslight is empty.
Head down, I take long strides, pulling my lace veil over my face and praying Monsieur de Ville won’t notice the bloodstains on the lace from my bleeding lip. A blue indigo twilight provides cover as I tiptoe out of the novice quarters and hug the side of the building. I feel confident I can make it across the courtyard if I get past the stream of light coming from the outside lamp that lights up the pathway to the chapel. It’s time for evening prayers and the nuns and novices are gathered there—
‘Sylvie, wait… please, child!’
Startled, I spin around. There’s no escape. I heave out a sigh of relief when I see Sister Vincent running toward me, holding up her black, filmy skirts and showing her slender ankles encased in black stockings. She catches up to me, out of breath, her spectacles smudged and askew on her face.
I grip my lace veil tight to shield my bruised face from her scrutiny.
‘Thank God, you’re here.’ She hunches over, hands on her knees, and takes in deep, heavy breaths. ‘I rushed back here after I saw you drive away with that stranger in the yellow Citroën. I’ve been so worried about you.’
‘He’s no stranger, Sister Vincent,’ I tell her, leading her away from the light. What needs to be said is best done in shadows. ‘He’s a famous film director and he wants to take me to Paris and put me in pictures.’
She grabs me by the shoulders. ‘No… is that true?’
‘Yes.’ I show her his card. Guilt floods me. ‘Will you ever forgive me, Sister Vincent? I wanted to stop and tell you… but Monsieur de Ville said you’d talk me out of leaving with him.’
‘As well I should.’ She smooths down her skirts, then speaks to me with such tenderness in her voice, my heart tugs. ‘I’m not surprised you attracted the gentleman’s attention.’ She giggles like a schoolgirl and clasps her hands across her chest. ‘I saw you on stage at the cinema… I was so proud of you, Sylvie, how you stood up to those awful hecklers, but most of all, the fervent words that came straight from your heart.’
My eyes widen. ‘You were there?’
‘I went to find you… I’m not so blind behind these spectacles I can’t see what you’re up to.’ She sighs. ‘Ah, ma petite, you do have an uncanny talent for charming everyone you meet.’
‘Not Sister Ursula. She hates me. She locked me in my cell, but I… I escaped.’
Sister Vincent shakes her head and chuckles. She’ll keep my secret. ‘I understand your desire to leave the cloistered life, Sylvie, but what do you know about this man?’
‘Monsieur Durand speaks highly of him and his work in films.’ I lie, then I embellish my plea with, ‘He… he said I should I go with him to Paris.’
Sister Vincent isn’t buying it. ‘No, you must stay here at the convent until I make inquiries about this Monsieur de Ville and his promises. Then, if the Lord gives His blessing and the director is a good man, I will speak to Reverend Mother about sending you to Paris—’
‘No, you can’t!’ I rail, my voice cracking. ‘She’ll never let me go.’
She puts her hand up to her cheek in surprise. ‘Good heavens, Sylvie, we must do things in proper fashion. If we don’t, Reverend Mother will have both our heads.’
‘I can’t do as you ask, Sister Vincent… Monsieur de Ville will leave for Paris without me if I’m not at the gate in time.’
I start to turn, to run, but the sister is quicker on her feet than I imagined. She cuts me off and grabs my arm, my lace veil falling off my head and revealing my bruised and battered face.
A loud gasp escapes from her throat. ‘Oh, dear Lord, you didn’t me tell me that man hurt you!’
I bow my head, ashamed. ‘No… Monsieur de Ville didn’t touch me.’
‘Then who did this horrible thing to you?’ I wince when she touches my bruised cheek and soothes my swollen eyelid with her soft fingers.
‘It’s nothing, Sister, honest. I have to go. Please don’t try to stop me.’
I try to brush past her, but again she blocks me. Her brows arch, her chin lifts. ‘I admire your spunk, Sylvie, but your silence tells me who the culprit is. I should have known Sister Ursula would lash out at you when you gave her the opportunity. She despises any girl she can’t bend to her will.’ She blesses herself. ‘As God is my witness, I would never disobey a direct order from the Mother Superior, but I won’t stand by and remain silent. Punishing you for her lack of self-control goes against everything I believe in, everything in the Lord’s teachings. I can’t stand by and let her shame the veil we swore to serve.’
‘Then you will help me?’
She nods. ‘I can stall the Mother Superior, tell her I had difficulty getting all the supplies, and ask her to meet with me after prayers. I don’t know for how long.’
Then she does something I will never forget, something I will hold dear for the rest of my life. She folds me into her arms and hugs me tight to her bosom, stroking my hair and mumbling prayers for my safe journey. ‘Go, child, before Sister Ursula gets suspicious and returns to the novice quarters to check on you. May God keep you safe.’
‘I’ll never forget your kindness, Sister Vincent… I promise.’
‘Someday you can repay me.’ She smiles. ‘Au revoir, ma petite.’
She turns and walks swiftly toward the chapel, her step lighter than before as if a great weight has been lifted from her shoulders.
I don’t look back as I rush toward the gate, my heart skipping when I spot the yellow Citroën waiting for me outside near the tall chestnut tree. The man in the Panama hat pokes his head out the driver’s window and waves me on when he sees me running toward him.
I don’t stop. Not now or ever.
I feel deep in my bones that going to Paris is my destiny as clearly as the moment I stood on that stage and proclaimed I was an actress.
I keep running, never looking back, my hair undone, my lace veil blowing behind me. I taste freedom on my lips, washing away the blood, its coppery taste replaced by a sweetness seducing me, the elixir I’ve searched for but never found till now.
I’m either going to that place Sister Ursula says bad girls go to… or, God willing, I’m going to be an actress.
5
Juliana
Unraveling the fairy tale
Los Angeles
Present Day
I never should have gone looking for my roots because now I’m obsessed. I take stock of what I found in the boxes I went through earlier from my mother’s apartment sent by a kindly neighbor. Gold-rimmed, white Limoges dishes and demitasse teacups with pink roses. Textbooks in English and French, calendars – nothing dated before the eighties – and a box of photos from my childhood I haven’t seen in years.
I put Maman’s clothes aside for donation to the abused women’s shelter run by the Sisters of the Good Shepherd as she wished. I handle each piece with care, lingering on the memories – the green wool dress she wore during the holidays, the soft, pink chenille robe she loved to get cozy in on Sunday mornings. I take longer to fold the smart, black silk box suit she wore to my college graduation, remembering how worried she was
about me making a living in show business. I’ve had good years then dry spells. I love my work, sketching the characters and coming up with wardrobe details that define them. I’ve worked on numerous TV shows, first as an assistant costume designer or wardrobe stylist then designer, though for years I worked in the business ‘washing out pantyhose’.
I didn’t tell my mother that.
I heave out a long sigh. I don’t find anything else significant that links to our family other than the photo of the glamorous woman in the slinky gown. And the heart-shaped, diamond pin with the arrow through it. I won’t rest until I find out the truth about this woman, my grandmother… first, I must identify her.
I keep checking my phone as I await a call from Ridge. I left him a detailed voicemail about how I found something troubling when I went through my mother’s belongings and I need to talk about it. Most likely, when I called he was holed up in a cold storage vault hoisting vintage film reel canisters. Going through Maman’s things reminded me how Ridge and I almost got together one night when I was feeling awfully low and knew the end was coming with Maman and I could do nothing about it.
I heave out a sigh. God knows the man is a heartbreaker with that finely tuned body and dark, bad-boy looks. But like I told Maman, why mess up a good thing between us? The last thing I need is for Ridge to feel sorry for me.
The grey California day is a subtle accent to my mood, where nothing is black or white, simply a shade somewhere in between. I spend the next half hour looking through another box, find nothing important… put on a pot of coffee… look at my unfinished sketch, but I can’t focus. I’m restless, waiting for my phone to vibrate, when the loud sound of a motorcycle backfiring catches my attention. A quick glance through the front window and I catch sight of a rider dressed in tight black leather from head to toe on a big motorbike screeching to a halt in my driveway, a billowing dust cloud spewing behind him.
He takes off his helmet and gives me the high sign.
‘Ridge McCall, are you showing off again?’ Arms folded, I give him ‘that look’ I do when we kid each other. It never fails to get a big grin from him.
‘Is that any way to greet your knight in shining armor?’ He holds up a brown paper bag. ‘Especially a guy bringing sesame bagels.’
I grab two mugs of hot coffee and stack the bagels on Maman’s fancy Limoges dishes, then we sit down on the comfy apple-red, plaid cushion on the bay window box and talk. Like we always do. No holds barred. Today is no different.
‘Maman lied to me, Ridge. We do – I do – have family in France.’
‘That’s great news.’ He takes a bite from a bagel.
‘No, it’s complicated. All my life I believed my mother’s family died in the war. I know now her mother didn’t. My grand-mère. I found an old photo of her from 1949. The strange thing is, I’m wondering if everything else she told me was a lie. About my father, how she came to America.’
I can’t believe it’s my voice I hear filled with excited jabbering and run-on sentences, sighs and sniffles. Bringing up my whole life history overwhelms me. To most people, talking about my roots may seem a strange way to deal with the grief of losing my mother, but I’ve never let it out till now, never shared my lack of a family tree with anyone. I’ve kept it inside, pretended it didn’t matter until it did.
In 1983 my mother met my father, Dr Paul Warrick, a distinguished art history professor, when he came to the small convent where she lived outside Paris. The existence of a little-known artifact at Ville Canfort-Terre attracted my father’s attention while he was researching a medieval manuscript nearly lost during the First World War when the Germans marched through and destroyed a monastery. Afterward, the manuscript was entrusted to the nuns for safekeeping and all but forgotten till my father started asking questions. He began a correspondence with the convent historian in charge of translating it… Madeleine Chastain, my mother.
I stop, take a breath, remembering how Maman told me she fell in love with the American professor through his letters before he arrived in France. Maman had spent years helping translate the manuscript – she was fluent in English – and the two of them spent several months together, huddling over the ancient tome… and enjoying each other’s company.
Then, I tell Ridge with more emotion than I expected, Maman was shocked when Paul returned to the States, his work done. Did he love her, or was he flattering a lonely spinster? She was nearly forty and had followed a quiet, semi-religious life up to that time. I don’t think my mother wanted to answer that question, but when she discovered she was having his baby, she wrote to him, informing him.
‘That must have been a difficult time for your mother, Juliana,’ Ridge says, his voice low and husky. ‘And your father. I’m not making any judgment, but from what you’ve told me, he provided for you growing up.’
I notice he chooses his words carefully. I made my peace with my father years ago when we spoke before he died.
‘The letters I read indicate my father did love my mother,’ I’m quick to tell him, ‘but he was under consideration for an important position at the Claremont Colleges in California and couldn’t return to France.’
‘So your mother came here to California. Why the upheaval? Why didn’t she stay where she had a home, security?’
‘Maman never said so, but I got the feeling she couldn’t face the shame of her indiscretion being found out in her village, so she followed him here. Paul Warrick was a widower with two grown daughters who, according to my mother, were aghast at the news. They harassed her with numerous threats and letters, telling her how their father couldn’t afford a scandal when his tenure was in question, so Maman went to him and told him she’d make it on her own. To his credit, my father insisted on helping her with expenses for the baby and found her a position in the French department at a nearby women’s college where she taught for years.’
‘Did you see your father often?’ Ridge asks, curious.
‘I met with him a few times,’ I say, sipping my coffee, ‘but he always seemed distant and his daughters treated me like the fairy tale heroine but without the glass slipper.’ I exhale, punch down the ache that still lingers in my heart from their snooty looks and bullying me as a teen. ‘In the end, I had my mom and that was enough for me.’
‘Your mother never married?’
‘Yes, she tried not to show it, but Maman nursed a broken heart for years, never giving up hope her professor would marry her. When he died, she went into a deep depression and took early retirement from the college. I insisted she move to LA to be close to me, but it took persuading on my part. My mother never approved of me going into show business. She always clammed up when I probed her why she was so against it. After I convinced her to come live with me, we became closer than ever, having several long, lovely conversations about my mother growing up in the convent – both in French and English. I remember how she told me she made her decision to go to America under the sweeping willow tree in the garden. She’d always stop there… never spoke about her life in the convent before she met my father… never spoke about how she got there… or the woman who must have left her there… my grandmother. And it hurts, Ridge… why couldn’t she share the truth with me? Why?’
‘I have no doubt your mother was trying to protect you—’
‘Protect me from what? My grandmother? That’s absurd.’ I raise my voice. I didn’t realize how much I was hurting inside till I put it into words.
I show him the photo dated 1949 and he lets out a low whistle.
‘She’s stunning, Juliana. By the quality and texture of the photo paper and the photographer’s style, I’d say this was taken at the start of the war… around 1940.’ He snaps pictures of the photo from various angles on his phone.
‘It sounds crazy,’ I say, ‘but could the woman in this glamor shot – my grandmother – be an actress?
‘Whoever she is, I’m sure she’s as wonderful as her granddaughter.’
‘Can you identify
her?’
‘Can Superman fly?’ He grins. ‘I’ve got connections I can check with and software I can run the photo through. If this gorgeous blonde was ever in the French film business, I’ll find her.’
I settle in at my drawing board after Ridge leaves. I continue working on the sketches for the new show, my pencil moving along in clean, striking lines. I feel refreshed… and mentally exhausted. I let go of the deep pain and self-inflicted anguish I’ve tormented myself with, that I didn’t do enough for my mother. I know now I did. And it’s time for me to move on… not completely let go, but enough so I don’t get so wrapped in that grey world of living in the past and filling it with shades of regret that I miss living in the here and now.
It's late afternoon when my phone chimes. A text.
Ridge.
I do a quick read and my heart skips a beat. Then two. Oh, my God, he’s identified the woman in the photo… ma grand-mère.
Yes, he has located the blonde in the photo, yes, she was a French film cinema star.
Then a short text. Very short.
Call me ASAP. Important.
Then, for some reason I can’t explain, gut instinct if you will, I choke up with a new fear. Why didn’t Ridge text me more info? Or a link… several links. A bio, more photos. He’s keeping something from me.
One way to find out. I call him. He answers on the first ring.
‘Hey, Juliana, how soon can you meet me at the studio?’
‘What’s up?’ I ask, surprised. Why not meet him at the film company where he works?
‘I have more info about the blonde in the photo.’
‘Can’t you tell me over the phone?’
‘No.’
I flinch. That was direct. ‘Can’t you give me a hint?’
‘No.’
I swallow hard. I have a feeling he’s trying to protect me from something about to blow up in my face.