by J. K Harper
Even if it shattered her heart.
Chapter Four
Tanner loped through the sagebrush, the squat little pinyon pines, the spindly junipers. Early afternoon, and it was a gorgeous day. Perfect for running through the foothills of the Abajo Mountains of his puphood. He'd been moving at a steady pace for the past half hour, simply wandering through the uninhabited area that sprawled out around the home base of the Abajo Wolf Pack. The two-hour drive from Durango had been an impulsive decision that morning. He'd woken up alone, because even though he'd spent the night tangled into the warm lusciousness that was Jordyn, she'd left very early for her morning shift. He missed the sensation of her body next to his.
He missed knowing that she would not be there when he moved to the far away place where his human had found a new job.
He already missed the cool, collected, devastatingly sexy wolf he wanted at his side for all the rest of his days. Deep inside his mind, his human gave an irritated grumble. But Tanner ignored him, shoving him into a dark corner of his mind. He was in charge right now. In his wolf shape, he was running free through the hillsides and free to think about whatever he chose. Whomever he chose.
Even as he let the image of Jordyn as her wolf fill his mind, the other reason why he'd decided to come out here today rapped at him like sharp little pellets. Stride lengthening as his paws hit the ground ever harder, he let the high, dry desert climate fill his senses. Every deep inhale he took flooded him with the memories of his youth. They were tangled, sometimes shimmering just out of reach. The rogue attack on his native pack and family had occurred when Tanner was barely three. Immediately afterward, he and the other surviving young ones had been taken to the Black Mesa Wolf Pack outside of Durango. Then just months after that, his father had plucked him and Tessa out of the tenuous normalcy there and hauled them along an itinerant life on the road for years. His memories of this place, his first home, were sparse. Yet they were also very strong.
Tanner shook his head. Dwelling on the less positive parts of that did him no good. It was a part of his history. Part of what had made him. Just like the rogue attacks in the first place that had stripped him of mother, of two older brothers, and nearly his entire pack.
It was what made him who he was today. Driven, still angry, strong. Also, he could easily acknowledge to himself in this form, shut off. Closed.
Fearful, even.
Roaring up from the back of his mind, his human shouted, Bull! Fear is weak. I run into burning buildings and save people's lives. That's not weakness, that's strength.
Unperturbed, Tanner immediately shot back at his human, Then why go far from here without Jordyn? He pictured her sleek, beautiful dark brown wolf. Why leave her here? Why not stay with her, and family? Should not leave.
His human grunted, the sound a mixture of disagreement and quiet uncertainty.
Home, Tanner whispered to his human with a slightly melancholy note. He always loved the scents out here. The sight of the mountain, currently draped in its colorful autumn glory, made him happy. Because of Tanner's job, he lived in Durango rather than here. The Abajo pack was an affiliate pack of the Black Mesa pack, so he was free to move around the whole area without needing special dispensation from its alpha. But also because of the job, Tanner rarely came out here to visit the Abajo pack, and his sister and her mate.
Or his father, who lived in a small, isolated dwelling outside the territory of either pack. Living as a lone wolf. A life he had chosen after years of grappling with his devastating sorrow at the loss of his mate and two of his pups.
That is fear, he quietly thought at his human.
His human didn't answer, although waves of irritation laced with his own sorrow shivered through his mind. His father had lost his mate, Tanner's mother, in one of the most horrific ways possible. He'd decided to never again take a mate. Tanner knew it was a conscious decision. Just as Zach had said.
Zach, his human muttered, though it was tinged with deep affection for his lifelong friend. He always likes to be right about everything.
Zach is friend, Tanner amiably thought back, still calm as he slowed down to a trot, lifting his head to sniff the air currents. It smelled like deer. Perhaps he could hunt while he was out here, and help chase away some of the demons that rattled his human.
A hunt would be good, his human agreed. A quick image of Jordyn as her wolf, prowling through the sagebrush and pinyons beside him, carefully stalking the trail of the deer, floated through Tanner's mind with another whiff of sadness.
Huffing again in irritation at his human's reasoning—reason is how we have to live in this world, his human muttered at him—Tanner edged closer to the line of junipers where they started to melt into taller pines, among which the deer were.
Fighting not from reason, he logically pointed out to his human, sending an image of the shifter fight rings and bloodshed. Fighting driven by instincts.
Fighting helps me get rid of the anger so that I don't make anything worse, his human lightly retorted, looking out through Tanner's eyes at the thickening forest ahead.
Jordyn helps get rid of the anger, Tanner whispered.
This time, there was no answer from his human. Keeping an image of Jordyn pressed next to his side, lending him solid strength and love sheerly by her unwavering belief in him, Tanner focused on the hunt at hand. This was simple. This was easy. This was how all things should be.
I wish that was true, his human quietly whispered. I really wish that was true.
Quietly, Tanner paced on, silent and alone into the woods. The deer ahead of him, a buck, still hadn't caught his scent. On stealthy paws, deliberately pushing away thoughts of all other things, he slunk lower to the ground as he stalked the creature. Nibbling on an aspen leaf, the buck, a young two-point, caught a slash of sunlight across its haunches. Hide dappling as the sun played through the whispering leaves and needles on the mix of conifers, the buck was unaware of Tanner's approach.
Not very smart, his human murmured.
Tanner slowed a bit more. He didn't like to hunt if it wasn't a fair game. Deliberately, he placed a heavy paw down on a crisp leaf. It rustled with a sharp noise in the stillness of the day. The buck whipped his head around, frozen in place, a tiny piece of green leaf sticking out the corner of his mouth. Staring straight at Tanner, he became a statue.
Much better. Very slowly, Tanner crept forward one step, eyes fixed on the deer's. This time, the buck saw him. With a springing leap that would be the envy of a gymnast, or so Tanner's human observed, the creature pivoted and bolted away to the west. Tanner crouched down so he too could spring off his paws—then about had heart failure when something from behind reached out to smack his side.
Jaws open, snarling and growling in a choking cry born of being startled, he whirled around, ready to do battle if necessary.
A large, rather grizzled older wolf sat behind him, paw still raised from where he had whacked Tanner in the ribs.
Pulse hammering, Tanner uttered a snarl of disgust at himself for having been so oblivious he had not noticed the other wolf come up behind him. Then again, his father always had been one of the quietest, most stealthy wolves Tanner had ever known. It was a good part of the reason why he'd survived as a lone wolf as long as he had.
The silvering wolf shook his head at Tanner. "Well, that was careless. I could've had deer for dinner and bragging rights for having taken down a big wolf such as yourself. You didn't tell me you'd be out here," he added. His words were calm.
Shaking off his annoyance at having let his father get the drop on him, Tanner gave the wolfish equivalent of a shrug. Glancing in the direction the deer had run, knowing the creature was probably at least a mile away by now, he turned and started down the ridgeline south. As his father fell in beside him, Tanner said, "I didn't know what I was doing till I got up this morning. I just decided I wanted to see this place again before—"
He snapped the words off.
Right. He hadn't told his f
ather yet that he was leaving. Both Zach's and Jordyn's questioning of that decision hung over him with slight accusation. He slipped the cautious glance at his father beside him.
His father kept slowly jogging alongside him, eyes fixed on the rise of the hill ahead of them. But his left ear was flicked in Tanner's direction. Listening intently.
Tanner huffed out a breath. His father needed to know of his decision.
"I wanted to come back out here and see it one more time before I leave." Tanner's voice pitched low. His own ambivalence about that decision showed in his tone. His human grumbled, but Tanner stayed firm.
No startled reaction from his father. Instead, the older wolf simply said, "The view from that little knoll right there is pretty good. Let's sit a minute and enjoy it."
In silence, they covered the last quarter-mile up the scrubby hillside that jutted out with its junipers and pinions just ahead of where a wall of towering conifers spread out over the higher reaches of the mountain. The view was indeed astounding. It revealed an almost endless expanse of flats and canyons of the desert land below them, reaching far east and south to the rise of Sleeping Ute Mountain. Lifting proudly in the northeastern horizon, the San Juans bucked and reared into the corner of Colorado.
Where Jordyn was. Something tightened in Tanner's chest. She was his. She was his. His human, as usual, started going on about the reasonable reasons he had to leave. The reasons why he couldn't keep her happy. The reasons of how his restless nature would eventually break her heart.
Beneath the reason, Tanner knew his human was right. He had a restless nature. He liked to run. To roam. To get away from—
He snarled slightly to himself. His father swung his dark silver head to look at him before returning his attention to the golden-tan vista before them. "Something is weighing heavy on your mind, Tanner. Tell me.”
As his father sat there, surrounded by the smells of sage crushed beneath their paws, the piney scents of the forest behind them, and the occasional tantalizing whiff of rabbits nearby, Tanner gave another soft huff, the wolfish equivalent of a sigh. Being honest and straightforward in wolf form was simply what came naturally. The human need to hold things back for silly reasons never made much sense to him. His human snorted softly in the back of his mind, but sighed in agreement. Guess I actually did come out here to talk to dad, he murmured thoughtfully.
After another few silent moments of enjoying the scenery, Tanner said, "I got a job offer with a fire station far away.” He thought of the image his human sent, the place he called Texas. “It's a good job. Good people there."
His father flicked an ear back and forth, the wolf equivalent of nodding. "How soon?"
"Another couple weeks. It's not really a firm offer. It was more of a we have an opening, you've been recommended, so if you're interested, come out here."
Keeping his gaze on the ripple and flow of the dry lands spread out before them, his father said, "So there hasn't been an actual offer yet."
A small shudder rippled through Tanner's frame. His human began pacing in his mind, confusion and conflict radiating out of him. Feeling off kilter, Tanner slowly said, "Not really. No. I could stay here," he whispered. His human leapt to the front of his mind, pushing reason and logic at him. Tanner bared a fang. He was his human and his human was him, but they had different objectives right now. Quietly, he said, "There are good reasons to stay."
Reasons, he thought smartly at his human. I reason, too.
His human rolled his eyes. Even so, Tanner knew that all parts of him thought strongly about Jordyn. About his father. About his duty not to leave his pack again. About his duty toward the members of his crew at the local firehouse. They were very good people, too.
There was another long silence before his father spoke again. "I would never wish upon you the life I have chosen."
It startled Tanner so much he snapped his head around, staring at the silver wolf seated next to him.
"I did the best I could by you two pups for as long as I could.” He pictured Tanner and Tessa as he spoke. “When I got to missing your mother so much that I knew I just couldn't be a good father to you anymore, I sent you back to the pack because I knew they were strong enough to raise you both. Unlike me."
At Tanner's protest, his father lightly snapped at him to indicate that he wasn't to be interrupted. Tanner settled back, tail flicking softly against the ground. He stared over the ragged lines of the landscape in front of them as he listens.
"At that point, it was much better for me to be alone. For me to live as a lone wolf, knowing that you both would grow up protected by a strong pack. But Tanner." His father turned to look directly at him with his piercing amber eyes. "You atone all the time for the horrors of our past. You manage your baseless guilt by saving other people from fire—"
Despite himself, Tanner flinched as always at the thought of another family dying horrifically in flames.
"—and you manage your rage by drawing blood in legal ways on the shifter rings."
Tanner uttered a short whine. He hadn't known his father knew about that.
His father huffed out a chuckle. "Your sister told me just before you moved back to Durango. She wanted me to know just in case you got your ass beat bad in the rings and I found out. She thought I'd be upset you hadn't told me."
Tanner snorted out half-annoyed bark. At the same time, something warmed him. He and Tessa were actually fairly close despite the fact that he'd spent the past ten years bouncing around the country. He knew she cared fiercely for him. She only ever did what she thought was right to protect him.
To protect what was left of their family.
"I understand all that, Tanner,” his father went on, “because I did the same thing right after I left you both with the Black Mesa Pack."
Another whine of sharp surprise erupted out of Tanner. "So I'm not the only one with secrets," he murmured, giving his father an appraising look.
His father chuckled, his gaze taking in the mostly empty expanse of land before them. "I decided to simply lose myself in the idea of beating up something. Because I could. It was the only way I could really exorcise my demons, back then. So I wasn't surprised when Tessa told me you were engaged in the fights as well. What does surprise me, though,” and he tipped an ear at Tanner, adding a huff to underscore his surprise, “is that you would leave the wolf of your heart. Not every wolf in the world finds his mate, you know. It is a rare and precious thing. That is something you should hold onto."
Another frustrated whine-bark lurched out of Tanner's throat. His human was gritting his teeth, shaking his head. "She is mine," Tanner said. The next words dragged out him, but he had to acknowledge that his human's “reason” did have some merit. "But I'm leaving because I don't want to hurt her. I'm too broken for her. I'm too dark for her. I can't protect her. And I can't promise her forever."
His human rocked back onto his heels in Tanner's mind, utterly surprised that his wolf shared his concerns.
Tanner's father snarled at him. "Your wolf side and your human side need to come into better alignment. I know this much.” He ruffed his back, the mantle of fur sticking up from his agitation at his son. “A wolf doesn't run from his mate. He stands his ground and fights for her. There are no promises in this lifetime, Tanner. I learned that in the most heartbreaking fashion possible. But if you leave, you will never get another chance with her. And I love you enough, son, that I don't want to see you experience the pain of feeling half empty for the rest of your life because you walked away from the one wolf you know deep down is your mate."
Biting back the howl that longed to escape him, Tanner instead lashed his tail against the ground as he stared out at the sprawling landscape. A raven called its hoarse croak as it caught the air currents. Otherwise, all was silent for more long moments.
Finally, his father stood up and shook himself. Turning back the way they'd come, he said, “Don't stay for me. Or your sister. Or your memories. Stay for what's most impor
tant to you. I leave that up to you to figure out.”
With that, he slowly trotted off, only once turning his head back to bark at Tanner, urging him to follow. Head still whirling, longing indeed for the one wolf he knew without a doubt was his mate, no matter what his human thought, Tanner finally turned as well.
Chapter Five
Jordyn was buried shoulders deep into one of the supply closets when the soul thrilling scents of crisp autumn leaves, cedar, and sage all wrapped up into the most sensual man she knew caught her attention. She had just begun to straighten up when a large, warm hand cupped her hip and slowly slid up over her ribs, then curved around to hold one breast beneath her uniformed top.
Tanner. Her wolf flooding her with an indulgence of pheromones and eager yips, she turned around to face him. That dark, seductive smile played across his lips. It had slayed her time and again during the past six months. Right now was no exception, as the fire always banked between them turned up several notches right between her legs.
"The guys said I'd find you here," he said, just before leaning forward and capturing her mouth with his. She murmured softly into his mouth as he kissed her, eagerly welcoming the exploration of his tongue and meeting it with hers.
A long, delicious moment passed during which everything in the world fell away except for the taste of Tanner in her mouth, the fit hardness of his body as he encircled her with his arms and pulled her close, and the sensation of each of her nerve endings exploding to attention. She could have stayed this way forever, but they were at work. The heartless knowledge of his impending departure also loomed, casting a shadow onto the moment. Reluctantly yet firmly, she pulled back.
Shadows passed through his eyes as well, although a small smile still tugged up his mouth after their kiss. "Missed you at the fights last night." His rich, deep voice soothed along her skin.
"I couldn't switch shifts." She shrugged an apology, although inside she felt half relieved, half worried that she hadn't been there. She knew perfectly well that he had a tendency of fighting better, more clearheaded, when she was in attendance. Slightly tentative although she kept her eyes locked on his, she asked, "How did it go?"