by Pride, Mia
Placing the food down on a small built-in table near the bed, Juan walked up to the bed and gently touched Kat’s shoulder, hearing her whimper in her sleep as soon as his hand was on her. “I brought you a meal. You must be famished, no?”
Yelping, Kat rolled over in the bed and swung a fist at him, but he dodged it and shifted to the left, grabbing her arm. “Let me go! Not again! Never again!”
Realizing something was very wrong, Juan let her go and backed away, frowning. “It is Juan, Kat. I will not hurt you. You are safe.”
Sitting up in the bed, she shook and wrapped her arms around her body protectively, eyes wide in terror. In a heartbeat, Juan’s heart shattered and his stomach plummeted. Someone had hurt her once. She tried to be strong and show men she could not be subdued because someone had once made her feel violated.
A sickness he had not felt since the day his family died washed over him and, he plopped on the chair by his desk and put his hands up in the air. “I will never hurt you, Kat.”
Nodding her head, she closed her eyes and wrung the sheets in her hands. “I… ken. I ken that. I am sorry.”
“Never apologize for what some bastard has done to you.”
Looking in his direction, her face went white and her chin quivered. Never had he seen a hint of fear or weakness on her face and it made him want to kill whoever had done this to the strongest woman he had ever known and, most importantly, it made any ill feelings he held for her wash away with the tides in their wake. Kat had many vices, but most people did and hers were brought on by necessity.
“I… dinnae ken what ye speak of. Nobody has done anything and nobody ever w-will,” she stuttered as a chill consumed her.
Swallowing hard and biting his lower lip, Juan just nodded. He had secrets he refused to tell. He would not make her share hers. “I brought you a meal. It is one of the only hot meals we will have the entire journey. I wanted to make sure you shared in it.”
Nodding once again, Kat climbed out of the bed to grab the food. “Thank ye,” she said shakily and he could see she was attempting to regain her composure. He also noticed she was not wearing her breeches and her legs were exposed up to her mid-thigh. He looked away the second he saw them, but it was a second too late. He had seen enough to know that Kat O’Malley had the legs of a goddess, and he had been better off not knowing as much. For a lass as small as she was, it was amazing how much of her was long, slim, creamy legs. Perfect for…
Shaking his head and berating himself for such a lewd thought about his friend’s sister, especially after discovering she had been misused in the past, made him feel like the true beast everyone thought he was. But to be honest, that had been the first thought about being with a woman he had had since his wife passed away. Something about that scared the shite out of him. Not only feeling aroused by a woman aside from Lucia for the first time, but who the woman was. She was off limits, and they had to share his space for the next sennight or more.
Thankfully, she snatched the food quickly and hopped back into the bed, covering herself up once more. She took a few bites and chewed silently while Juan blankly stared at a map on his desk, doing all he could to not look in her direction. Once her guard had come down and he saw a more human, more vulnerable side to her, it had allowed him to see her as a woman, not just a wild creature, and he did not like how attracted he was to her, nor the fact that he had always been attracted to her, yet had been able to keep his distance and bury it behind a role as a protector.
“Thank ye,” she murmured again and he simply kept looking down, pretending to read his map.
“Señorita, you do not need to keep thanking me for feeding you.”
“I am not thanking ye for that. I am thanking ye for not asking questions.”
Squeezing his eyes shut, he breathed deeply and dared to turn in the chair and look at her. A mistake to be sure, for, with her rumpled hair and loose tunic, she truly looked like a woman who had just been bedded… in his bed, no less. “I understand secrets.”
Her eyes glanced in his direction before looking back at her food and nibbling on a carrot. “We all have them, aye?”
“Si.”
“I am sorry I stowed away on yer ship to discover yers. I have my reasons for doing so. I am not simply a crazed lassie as everyone believes, simply loyal to my own and untrusting of those around them.”
Listening to Kat, he could understand what she was saying, though it stung a little. She did not trust those close to her family. She did not trust him. Although considering what she had been through, he could understand why. Several hours ago, he would not have cared to make her trust him. He was busy and tired and she was the one who invaded his space. He did not need her to trust him. Tomas did and that was all that mattered to him. Or, was it?
Turning around to face her once more, Juan leaned forward and propped his elbows on his knees, folding his hands. “You do not trust me, no?”
She shook her head and looked right at him with those emerald eyes. By the devil. Those eyes. A man could get lost in them… but not Juan. He was already lost enough.
Nodding, he shrugged and stood up, saying nothing. Walking over to the edge of the bed, he opened a chest and began to rummage through. “What are ye looking for? A dagger so ye can gut me and throw me overboard?”
Juan ignored her goading and continued to dig until he found two spare sheets and shut the chest with a creak of its hinges. The salt in the air rusted things over quickly, making this chest appear much older than it likely was.
Spreading one sheet on the floor, he laid down and covered himself with the thicker blanket before laying down, placing his arms under his head and looking up at the ceiling.
“Ye are sleeping on the floor?”
“Of course.”
“Oh.”
Was it his imagination or did she sound slightly disappointed? Had she expected to share a bed with him, especially after saying she did not trust him? Juan was many things, but he also considered himself a gentleman, respectful of women. Not to mention Tomas would cut off his bollocks if he knew Juan had shared a bed with his sister. Though he had not laid with a woman in a long time, he was rather attached to his manhood and would prefer to remain intact.
For the third time in two days, Juan wondered if Kat had some interest in him, but he brushed it off. It did not matter and if he were being honest, he did not fully trust the lass either. Si, he had just discovered a vulnerability she had that made him pity her in a way he was certain she would not like, and he felt as if he knew her a slight bit more than he had. But in the end, she was the same spitfire she had always been and he was certain that by morn, she would be back to taunting him and defying his every word.
“Good night, Señorita.” Rolling over, he closed his eyes and smirked to himself. She may have the legs of a goddess, but she also had the temper of a banshee and he would do well to remember that the next time he was confronted by her bared thighs.
Chapter Five
Not again. Kat shot out of the bed as if it were on fire. Juan was crying and struggling in his sleep once more, repeating his strange Spanish words. Was this a nightly occurrence? No wonder he was always so angry. The man seemed to relive his personal hell over and over every night. She wished she knew what he was dreaming about, aside from understanding that a small child was attempting to attack him, which made no sense. He was a huge man. How could such a thing frighten him? He was a mystery, indeed. However, she had discovered one thing about the man. He was honorable to women.
When she awoke to his touch last night, her reaction was embarrassing and she cringed just thinking about it. Ever since the day two summers ago when a man visiting Clew Bay had violated her, she had done her best to close down emotionally, to show no weakness, to show men that she was strong and prayed that if she was wily and acted mad enough, men would leave her alone.
It was no secret to her that she was considered bonny, yet she would rather mutilate her own face and never be lo
oked at by a man again, than live in constant fear of another attack. Although she had learned to use her attractiveness to manipulate a man from time to time, as she had planned on doing to Juan, she inwardly hated them all and never wanted them to touch her. She would take what she needed and disappear from their sights.
Until Juan. Staring down at the man grimacing in his sleep, she considered his rough masculine features. He was a solid mass of muscle with slightly long black hair and matching dark stubble lining his strong jaw that was unmistakably beguiling. He intrigued her. She had said she did not trust him, but not in the way he would expect. She may worry he would one day try to overthrow or kill her brother for power, but he had been alone in this room and chose to sleep on the floor, not paying her more attention than necessary. And for the first time in as long as she could remember, the lack of a man’s attention – this man’s attention, frustrated her in a maddening way.
Her plan to soften him up by being kind and attempting to draw him in remained, but her unfortunate attraction to the only man she was not allowed to touch was frustrating. Tomas would kill them both. Kat had never experienced a touch from a man that was actually wanted and though the thought of intimacy made her stomach knot up, remembering how the large bald seaman had pinned her down beneath his weight and had his way while she attempted to scream and claw at him, somehow the thought of being touched gently by Juan wasn’t as terrifying as she suspected. Though, it would never happen. Could never happen.
“No! Lo siento, mi niña!” Juan began to thrash once more, a sheen of sweat breaking out over his forehead and Kat decided it was time to show the man some mercy and wake him up.
“Juan…” she nudged him with her bare foot, not wanting to get too close. “Wake up, Juan.”
“No!”
“Si,” she replied in his language. “Lo… siento… mi amor…” she said slowly, stumbling on the words she had heard him say in his sleep before, though she had no idea what they meant.
Juan’s arm reached out and grabbed her ankle before she could step out of his way. Squealing, Kat felt her body falling to the ground and closed her eyes, bracing herself for a hard fall. Instead, her head was cradled in his hand and when she opened her eyes, Juan was hovering over her, his legs straddling hers, black eyes glaring with determination.
Breath seizing, Kat felt her heart stop as she pursed her lips, stifling the scream she wished to let out, the paralyzing fear of once again being pinned beneath a large man and having no control. He wouldn’t hurt her. He wouldn’t. Kat continued to hold her breath and stare at Juan, unsure if he was even awake or not.
“Mi amor.” Juan looked at her face with such love, such wonder, that all the breath she had been holding on to whooshed out of her lungs, her heart beating wildly in her chest. She did not know what those words meant, but when he said them like that, a soft whisper, her stomach fluttered and she longed to hear him say it more.
Closing his eyes, Juan lowered his head and slowly moved in. Was he going to kiss her? Did she want him to? For some reason, she was drawn to him. Something about him had always fascinated him and though she didn’t fully trust him with Tomas, she trusted him with her. It made no sense but she decided it did not really need to.
When his lips pressed softly against hers, she allowed it, her body going limp beneath his, enjoying the feeling of willfully being beneath a man. Wanting to be with a man was not the same as being forced to be, she reminded herself and tried to calm her wildly beating heart. She could do this. She could trust a man and move past her fears.
His lips were surprisingly soft and he smelled like the sea, yet uniquely himself. Pulling away slightly with his eyes still closed, Juan murmured, “I have missed you, my love.”
“My… love?” she responded, furrowing her brow and frowning. What the bloody hell was he talking about? Who did he miss? Certainly not her when he had been pining to be rid of her only a day ago. Her stomach sank painfully and she felt sick with mortification. He was not talking about her or to her. “Juan?” Kat gripped his arm and shook, trying to make him open his eyes. “Juan!”
When his eyes shot open, bloodshot from sleep and riddled with confusion, Kat knew the truth. She did not know who he had been talking to, but it had not been her. Sitting up quickly, Juan looked around the cabin still coming back to reality, then looked down at her with a frown. Shadows danced across his face and, once more, he looked more beast than man. Still, the only thing she feared was how he made her feel. “What happened? What is this? How… why?”
Rubbing his hands down his face, he shook himself awake and looked at her still on the floor, propped up on her elbows. She suddenly realized nearly her entire lower half was exposed and she gasped, scrambling back to the bed where she could bury herself and her misery beneath the sheets.
“Kat?” Juan got to his feet and took a step near her, but when she shook her head, he stopped in his place and held his temples. “I… lo siento, Señorita. Truly. I am so very sorry.”
So that was what that word he kept repeating in his dreams meant. He was apologizing to someone repeatedly. But who and why? The more pieces of him she discovered, the more confused she was. And, as much as she wanted to pretend otherwise, she hurt. Something inside her ached. It was dull and persistent, and she hated it.
“Ye did nothing. ’Tis nothing,” she whispered.
“If I did what I think I did, it is not nothing. Especially because I did it to you. After what you went through, I—”
“I never went through anything. And ye did nothing, as I said.” She wanted to shut this conversation down, pretend it never happened. To have the first man she trusted to kiss her stand before her and apologize was more humiliation than she could bear.
“Kat… I’ve done this before. Once. Only once, but I woke up in a similar way. I know what I did, and I am sorry.”
“For which part? Pulling me to the ground? Kissing me? Saying ye loved me? Or because ye accidentally touched me at all? I ken how much ye despise me.”
“Kat. I do not despise you. I am sorry for all of it. I do not even remember it but—”
She had heard enough. The more he said, the worse she felt. Men had a way of making her feel worthless, even when they were not trying. Even when they could not remember. “Just stop!” she hollered, plopping on her back and rolling away from him. “Just leave me alone.”
He went silent and she could not see him, but she knew he was still there. After a moment, she heard the cabin door shut with a click behind her. When she rolled over, Juan was gone and emptiness so consuming, like falling down an endless well of nothingness, gripped her guts. For the first time since her attack two years ago, Kat allowed herself to feel, to let the tears flow. This was why she preferred being cold. It didn’t hurt to be mad. But this – this was unbearable.
She would allow herself to cry this one time, then never again. She did not know Juan at all, but obviously he was in love with someone else. Why she cared was a mystery to even herself. She had not even known she cared much about the man until she lay beneath him, staring into his dark eyes, feeling his lips on hers and only wanting more, not being afraid, feeling safe in his arms. But, he remembered none of it, and she was a cursed fool.
Never again. Her plan to woo him into her good graces seemed more dangerous than ever, but she still needed answers. If he was in love with another woman, who was she and where was she? Did he have a wife in Spain? If so, why would he avoid going back if he loved her? Mayhap he wasn’t avoiding it at all and planned on jumping on that galleon and abandoning everyone for his “amor”.
Aye. She knew what that word meant, had heard it on his lips, spoken like a soft caress… for another woman. She wasn’t certain which was more humbling. The fact that she thought he was speaking to her for just the briefest of moments or the fact that she had wanted him to be speaking to her.
Allowing herself to cry for a few more moments, Kat finally wiped her tears and closed her eyes. It was a new
day and she would be strong once more, not allowing emotions to cloud her judgment or detract her from seeking out answers.
Standing on deck, Juan looked over the railing and stared into the gray waters of the Atlantic as the waves smacked against the sides of the ship. Smelling the air, he looked at Lawrence and nodded. “A storm is brewing.”
“Aye. I sense it, too. The water is unsettled. It will be a rough day.”
Overhead, the ship’s sails protested and the bore flag indicating this ship belonged to the fleet of Clew Bay whipped wildly. “Si, I agree, and I welcome the distraction.”
His eyes burned from lack of sleep. After he had left, he found an empty pallet in the sleeping quarters and attempted to rest on the itchy straw but his mind would not stop replaying the scene with Kat in his cabin. He had no memory of what he had done. He had kissed her, lay atop her, said he loved her, and he could not even remember it. He felt ill to his stomach wondering how she must have felt. She already did not trust men and he had wanted to gain her respect to make the journey easier. Juan had failed without even remembering it.
“Ye look like ye slept well,” Lawrence grunted sarcastically. “There is straw in yer hair.” Plucking it out, Lawrence tossed it over the rail and gave Juan the side eye. “Ye slept with the rest of the men? Kat drive ye that mad?”
“It wasn’t that or anything she did,” he said gruffly. He did not want to explain what had happened, but he also did not have it in him to blame anything on her. Juan may not have known what he was doing, but it had happened, nonetheless. “I wanted to give her privacy.”
“Ye allowed her to stow away on yer ship, and now she has ye sleeping below deck? Juan… ye cannae allow that. The men will wonder why their captain isnae sleeping in his own quarters and become suspicious. Already they talk about Carrick and what became of him. Many have decided he robbed from ye and was thrown overboard, which does not harm yer reputation, but if they find Tomas’ sister in yer cabin, their mouths will begin to flap with unwanted rumors and worse.”