Durability: Impossibly Durable
Damage: 10% Increased Damage to Unarmed combat, but only for the fist equipped with the item.
Effect: Concussive Blast - Creates a concussive blast through the surface of whatever it strikes. The blast is considered an area effect and will harm allies and foes. (Type: Activated; Effect Duration: Once a day)]
There were quite a few leather pieces of armor such as a single pauldron, some greaves, four vambraces, and a cuirass. My starter boots would have to do for now, but once I had all the pieces on I felt good. It was lightweight and made little noise when I moved. It was awkward trying to wield the multiple weapons, but switching them around did help. The dagger and metal fist went to my lower arms. A sword and shield were gripped by the hands on my upper arms.
Reversing the grip on the dagger, I found that using them for supporting attacks worked best. It was going to take some getting used to, but the game provided the knowledge, I just had to use it. The training yards had dummies that I used. Swinging my weapons over and over again, I managed to find a rhythm that worked with my four arms.
The extra arms felt good, and I had spent years with the useless appendages hanging off my lower chest. After I had worked up a sweat, I paused to take some water from my inventory and noticed a woman off to the side watching me. She was sitting in the shade and had several lizard men with oiled skin and the muscular bodies of the Greek gods. They were feeding her grapes, giving her wine, fanning her, and even rubbing her feet.
“Hello, handsome!” She smiled at me. “I am Daws of the Chapped Men Harem, and I cannot say that I have had the pleasure of a four-armed man sharing my bed. How would you like to join my harem?”
“We have Beefcakes every morning.”
“Beefcakes!”
“And Polish sausage! The meat is still inside the skin.”
I blushed, realizing that her lizardmen were rubbing themselves all over her, and she was scraping her nails across their perfectly toned abs. The men were even rubbing against each other, and I backed away slowly. “Thanks for the offer, but I uh have a girlfriend.”
[Smooth Talking +1]
“Sure you do.” Daws smiled at me while running a finger alongside the exposed inner curve of her breast. “Tell you what… I will keep it as an open invite. If you ever want to join us, you can go to my mansion Society Street. I’m sure you will figure out which home I own. I’ll personally feed you Beefcakes made by Liono, a fierce warrior and a fiercer chef. That catman makes a mean Beefcake.”
Daws snapped her finger, and her Chapped Men picked up the palanquin and carried her off. After she left, I realized I had no idea what a Beefcake was.
Chapter 5
Location: Outside Shreddit's South Gate
South gate had a stream of wagons entering, and I overheard someone say this happens every Sunday. There were people everywhere, some just sat on the ground where they were and rolled out a blanket to sell their items.
Around the open square market, were the local merchants with permanent shops and tradespeople taking custom orders. Overall, it was overwhelming for me, and the jostling wore my patience thin. I did not want to cause problems, so I aimed directly for the south gate. If it wasn’t for the extra shoulders increasing my height, I'd never have found the gate.
On the way towards the gate, I found Society Street. The entire avenue had one mansion after another with grounds to go with them. I assumed they belonged to either [Authors] or the merchants.
If this is my reality, I should look into how much a home costs.
Walking out the gate, the guards didn’t even notice me. They were busy handling the incoming traffic. The detail put into all the moving parts was impressive, and the entire town was an evolving ecosystem. I might not have had the strength to climb out of the basement cellar, but they tossed down enough books for me to learn about a lot of worldly concepts.
Shit tits. Mentally I growled trying to contain the anger that surged up thinking about my cellar. The sudden spark of rage made me feel like a Germanic barbarian—all anger and wrath. I needed to escape the crowd because the anger inside me was more than a little scary. Memories I thought buried were surfacing, and it made me uneasy.
The area outside the gate was more orderly than inside, and I strode towards the forest. My head cleared the farther I went from town, and before I knew it, giant oaks and tall spruce trees surrounded me. Quiet and forlornness greeted me, but these things did not bother me.
It reminded me of when my parents brought me to the Black Forest, another memory long thought buried. I was young and did not realize the trip was one of my parent’s schemes to kill me off. The ‘let’s accidentally leave our kid in the forest for wolves’ scheme.
Wolves did find me, but one sniff of me and they ran off. Not even wolves wanted to eat my diseased ridden meat. The whole way home I laughed and laughed, but I think that trip broke something in me. It was when I accepted my impending death. It was one of my better memories—
Something soft hit me in the back of the head, breaking me away from my dark humor. Startled I turned to find my antagonists and found a group of merry men lounging around and laughing at me.
“Hey, shit for brains!” These were definitely [Authors]. “You stealing my banana?” girlfirehow an American y antagonistslt
“Uh no, I have a girlfriend,” I said awkwardly thinking this was some weird sexual joke. Americans are renowned for their sexual depravity.
“You dipshit, the banana on the ground at your feet. Pick it up and bring it to the boss man.” One of the lackey’s commented.
I looked down and saw the sickly looking banana on the ground. Picking the banana up, my fingers pressed into its soft peel and dropped it.
“Gross.” It was a banana from Argentina, you could tell by the curvature of the shaft. Even smelled moldy, like a dockside whorehouse. “Why the hell would you carry that around?”
“Bring me the banana, or I’ll find another trophy to carry around,” The boss threatened me.
“Not going to happen. I have four hands, and not one of them is touching that.” Instead, I kicked the banana at him. The piece of fruit flew with unerring accuracy and hit the leader right in the face. It split open and the brown mushy wet interior of the banana splashed across all the thugs. Yup, definitely an Argentinian banana.
“Aww man, you done did it now. Ya gone an’ pissed off the boss man, ya better be ready to scrap.”
Was that English? I had no idea what this miscreant said.
I drew my weapons and started attacking the boss as he stepped forward. It did not matter if I punched, slashed, stabbed or bashed because every strike hit true. It was like the guy was incapable of dodging or he wanted me to kill him. My attacks slowed down as the guy just refused to move. Did he disconnect?
“You going to dodge my attacks? Or pretend?”
“Ya are in fer it now. Our boss is the best [Tank] in the game, don’t ya know nothing.” One of the lackeys sneered. “You newb.”
[One Time Message (OTM): Tank refers to a class that has a high constitution and armor, designed to take a lot of damage and be a shield for their group. On their own they are not very powerful and lack strong attacks, but they are extremely hard to kill.
*You may disable OTMs at any time by thinking ‘Disable OTM’ ]
“He hasn’t dodged or blocked one attack. I am a better tank than him.”
“…yer shouldn’t talk smack…”
“…shut yer pie hole and fight…”
I fought, but my frown only increased as the fight continued. It started to feel like I was punching a puppy in the face, and that wasn’t kosher. Not to mention I felt bad by how stupidly ridiculous this was.
“Oh come on man, at least wiggle like the pubic hair on a bat’s left testicle. You know—Wiggle. Wiggle. Wiggle.” I said, shaking my body like an old lady with Parkinson’s disease.
[Wiggle +1]
[Wiggle +1]
“Jus
t a little bit,” I pleaded with him. “Please…?”
I had to admit—thirty minutes later—that this guy’s health was absurdly high. The posse never stopped taunting me, and I just wanted to walk away. The tank’s health was barely below the fifty percent mark. Not one of my attacks was missed or blocked. They just lacked the power to hurt him.
An endless stream of sighs and pants escaped me.
About the time I was ready to throw my weapons down in disgust, a red aura expanded out from the freak’s war hammer. The weapon pulled back and kept powering up which brought me out of my boredom.
For the love of the inferno, kill me already.
All the power coalesced into the iron head of the hammer, and he swung it towards my head. The force of it felt like gravity had abandoned me and my stomach rose up to my mouth. The red energy tried to vibrate my skin from my body.
“Yessss!” I nearly shouted until I realized the hammer was not moving any faster, if anything it looked like it was slowing down. I stepped left and the weapon never wavered nor changed direction. Its descent defied laws of motion and gravity. Everyone was watching it, including the goons, and I looked for an escape. They had maintained their circle, so there was no way out.
Crack! The ground was torn asunder, a crater started to form as the earth was pushed aside creating a ridge around impact and it sent me several feet in the air, but I stuck the landing like a Russian gymnast which was a little anticlimactic. The ground continued to buckle and ripple for a few more seconds, and then it was done.
[Dodge +1]
[Dodge +1]
[Dodge +1]
“Aww shit. You see that, son, that’s how it’s done. Best [Dodge Tank] in the game.”
I walked away from them, pushed right through the crowd and grumbled loudly. That wasn’t funny, even as a joke. I think the jerks were serious too, which made it that much worse. I did not want to deal with that kind of crazy, and I did not even turn back when they started cursing.
Who builds a character like that? People with too much money and not enough brains that’s who. I have no idea if the person had a lot of money, but it’s the only thing that made sense. Worst tank ever, but his health was impressive.
I was lost in my thoughts and did not realize two of the thugs attacked me until I was on the ground and bloodied. My health dropped dangerously low and the two thugs stood over me spewing hate.
“Let that be a lesson, you mutant freak.” One of the thugs kicked me in the mouth and walked off laughing.
“Whaht leshon?” I tried to ask around my swollen lips. “Thaht I fighth like your bossth? Lookth at me, I can’th dodge!”
Damn you, mouth. Even swollen you can’t shut up.
“Aww no. No. No, ya didn’t just say that.” Moron one and moron two started grunting at each other and slapping each other in the face. My health started to inch upward.
“Hey muddafucha, yeayeayea you. I’mma lookin’ at yeh, and I’mma watchin’ yeh, and I’mma seein’ dem fuchas mess yeh up good. Juss say the word, boss, and we’ll fuch em up for yeh. We fuch ‘em reel gud.”
“Who is there?” I mumbled looking around.
“Dumass, yeayea, you. I’mma right here. Yeh, ‘ere I am. Rawr, I’mma scary sonuvabitch!”
A squirrel armed with matching daggers walked into my line of sight and tapped my nose the tip of one of the blades. The creature was adorned with a leather cuirass and a gray bushy tail. The squirrel faded in and out like smoke, and one eye was covered with a patch.
Shit tits, a pirate squirrel!
“Yeayea, boss. Ye want me an’ me boys to fuch up dem clowns?” The squirrel asked, flipping up the eye patch revealing two perfectly good eyes.
“Squirrels are notoriously devious, what is the catch?” My swollen lips had gone down while the morons were still pumping themselves up, but forming words took concentration. Not sure why I said that about squirrels because I had no idea if that was true.
“Heh, yeh gorna be a smart boss. Yeayea, yeh are. Da deal is like dis, yeh juss gotta take me on as yer companion. Dats all yeh gotta do. Do dat, and we gorna take care o’ yeh li’l problem.”
“Who is this ‘we’ you are—” The words hadn’t even left my mouth before the furry little beast used his dagger to point into the trees above. Squirrels faded in and out on all the branches above, and they were all armed to the teeth. There had to be hundreds of them. What in the blazing inferno was happening?
“Yeayea, dese are meh brudders. We be the [Mist Squirrel Mafia], and this is our muddafuching foress.”
That explained the phase shifting, but a squirrel mafia was frightening as hell.
[OTM: Mafia’s are different from Writer’s Guilds, because they do not rely on Authors to create them. A Mafia requires the group forming it to perform at leave fifty organized crime actions. Once done, all members fight it out in an arena to see who will gain the class Mafia Don. This person will become the leader of the Mafia, and he or she is not someone you should betray lightly, or you’ll wake up with a centaur head in your bed.]
“Shit tits—”
Chittering picked up all around me, and it was a full half minute before I realized they were laughing. The squirrel in front of me was on the ground holding his sides and pointing at me. “Yeh sai’ Shit tits, I’mma like ye being da Squirrel Master.”
“Ok, whatever. Yes, go teach those bastards a lesson about beating up newbs.”
“Yeayea, yeh ‘eard ‘em. We be back, we be back real soon boss.”
“That is fine, just keep a low profile. A mafia is more effective from the shadows.”
“Yeayeayea, boss be one smart muddafucha.”
The two thugs that were arguing had no idea they were dead. Squirrels dropped down and cut their throats, and then the furry bastards faded back into the forest. The hunt was on, and that [Dodge Tank] was as good as dead. “Glad I didn’t piss those furry monsters off, or I’d be pissing myself right about now,” I muttered under my breath.
Those things were scary enough without giving them whatever ability that was. A squirrel’s head appeared below my name and a small health bar beside it. Why didn’t the game prompt me first? I sighed because I was stuck with the squirrel either way. I’d already pissed off enough people without making the Mist Squirrel Mafia an enemy.
About fifteen minutes later my health fully recovered and I was able to stand. I honored my part of the agreement and I wasn’t waiting around for them to return. The dungeon wasn’t far and the squirrel could catch up or not.
[Walking Upright +1]
I ignored the message and came to a fork in the trail. [Goro’s Lair] was down the right path and my destination. So far, my first day hasn’t been the smoothest of starts. Hell, I’ve died a handful of times and haven’t even killed anything yet. I sighed again.
[Breathing +1]
Chapter 6
Location: Outside Goro’s Lair
The road dipped into a valley until it disappeared. A white fog limited the visibility below and created an oppressive atmosphere. I did not stop walking, but when the fog surrounded me, I slowed my pace. At first, I jumped at every little sound, my head snapping so fast my neck would pop. Nothing ever appeared.
Minutes felt like hours, and after about ten minutes went by, the fog started to thin. Even with my visibility increasing, I did not unclench my hands from my weapons. Ahead, the lair finally revealed itself, and I exhaled slowly. Instead of fear or trepidation, I felt a big smile slide across my face.
Skeletons. Lots of skeletons loitered in front of the dungeon, aimlessly wandering around the old decaying buildings.
“Classic,” I muttered, flexing my arms. They were stiff from clenching my weapons while walking through the fog. “Time to break some bones.”
[Brawler’s Stance Activated]
The skin on my hands hardened and the bones in my body thickened. My entire body took on a new level of density that had my skin crawling, but I felt much more solid. Not that
I planned on testing it, but I was sure my bones could survive a kick from a mule. Increasing my bone density also lengthened them, adding six or seven centimeters to my height.
Lastly, my muscles bulged to a point it almost hurt to flex them. Instinctively I knew one punch was likely to do as much damage as my sword. This stance was awesome.
“Here goes nothing.”
[Mumbler +1]
The sturdy legs on my body made me feel like Conan as I leaped into the middle of the undead creatures. My shield bashed a skeleton in the face and bones snapped, and without its head, the creature collapsed. Next, my sword struck down and removed the arm of another skeleton. The arm fell off at the shoulder, and its rusty dagger clattered across the stony ground.
The metal fist on my lower arm struck under upward, narrowly dodging the sword as it descended. I could hear more bones cracking as my uppercut took the head clean off of another skeleton. The metal fist was my most potent attack.
Those three attacks landed almost simultaneously, and then I spun striking with my dagger. My arm stabbed out like a serpent, but it slid through the skeleton's ribs and did little to no damage. Blunt weapons were the most effective attack against these things, so I put the sword and dagger back in my bag.
Not that I had room to complain, because, in my first salvo of attacks, I killed two skeletons and disabled one. Attacking with four arms felt natural, and I knew part of that was the game assisting me. It was like entering combat with a friend having my back, not that I had any friends.
A storm of fists rained down on the skeletons, and if anyone was nearby, I am sure they’d have heard me cackling like a madman. Using my fists to break things was liberating, and in my old body, the only thing I’d break was my fists. Loot started piling up, so I went back and cleaned up my mess and hoped for something good to drop.
[Loot: 30 Bone Chips, 2 Tokens of Acclimation, Rusty Dagger, 4 Gold]
That’s disappointing. Most of that was probably junk, but the tokens were interesting. I held one in hand, and it felt like a coin only it had a square hole through it, like an ancient Japanese coin. “What are you?”
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