The Land of Trademark Online

by Nikolai Chekhov

  “Yer gorna take ‘im out?” Earle whispered.

  “I don’t want to smell like fried eggs,” I said, and Earle chittered but tried to stop himself.

  “Yer fuched up.”

  “I know,” I told him and stepped forward and triggered [Dragon Strike]. Flames coated my hand, and I punched through the cannibal’s neck. I mean it literally went right through, and I nearly took his head off. Damn, that’s a little much.

  “Yeayea, boss. Dat’s fuching gross, and a bi’ o’ overkill, yea?”

  “Shut it. Doesn’t look like Butter planned for us to escape the dungeon another way. His ambush failed. You could say he put all his eggs in one basket…”

  Shit tits, there was something seriously wrong with me.

  Earle’s little paw covered his face, and he shook his head. “I’mma embarrassed fer ye boss. I’mma go sa’e yer girl now. Maybe ye shud stick to killin’ people wit’ yer fists. Yer gud at dat, not so gud wit’ werds.” The squirrel hopped down and ran off into the woods toward Amard.

  Oh well, I had an asshole to kill. Butter’s failed ambush provided an opportunity to turn the tables on him. However, the thief was smart, and he’d figure out people are missing. My window of opportunity shrank by the second.

  “Egg? Cinnamon? Gravy?” Butter called out.

  Gravy must have been the one that Earle killed. I wanted to kill Butter, but I had to get Amard out, so I was on distraction duty. Before the thief questioned why his people were responding, I had summoned [Fire Shard Shurikens] in each hand threw them. And then kept summoning and throwing.

  Fighting kobolds had significantly improved my skill and accuracy. It did not surprise me when the first two shurikens struck their intended target. After that, it was an effort to get past his whirling dagger defense. Butter was damned slick, but he still only had two arms to my four. He could not deflect or dodge everything I threw at him. The one thing I counted on was him moving towards me and away from Amard.

  “We meet again, old friend.”

  “Don’t call me friend,” I growled and ran towards him hoping my improved agility would throw him off enough to land a few blows. But the thief was quick as slippery shit, and his daggers ended up wherever my fists were. Using my ability, I absorbed the heat surrounding us and sped up my movements while slowing his down.

  “Neat trick. It won’t be enough.”

  Behind the thief, I saw Amard getting to her feet, and paused. A strip of flesh was missing off her exposed thigh, and it finally registered that I was facing down a cannibal. It is one thing to hear that word, but another to face the reality.

  That sick sonofabitch.

  “Your girlfriend is tasty,” Butter waved a piece of flesh in my face and tossed it into his mouth.

  “You—that’s nasty.” I turned my head gagged. Butter surged forward, right into my feint. A double right-handed uppercut lifted that weasel at least five feet into the air. Before his feet touched the ground, a double left-handed hook caught him on the side of his body and head. Ribs snapped, and the meaty thunk that followed almost made me vomit for real. There was a high chance I crushed his internal organs, not to mention the brain trauma.

  [Uppercut +5]

  Butter still rose to his knees—even with all that damage. Amard came up behind him and wrapped the rope around his neck like a garrote. “Die! You twisted fuck.”

  The thief had little fight left, and it was over in seconds, not that anyone gave Amard the memo. She kept pulling until she finally felt the bones in his neck snap. Her hands were bloodied and raw from the rope, not to mention the other wounds left on her by the thief, both physical and mental.

  “Here.” I reluctantly handed her a [Healing Potion] and had to fight the urge to take it back. “Not to sound like an ass, but do those taste like cotton candy to you?”

  Amard blew air up out of the corner of her mouth, and it moved the bloodied hair out of her eyes. Kicking the corpse of Butter, she grinned at me, and I involuntarily took a step back. “Seriously? You want to go there now?”

  “I figure someone named Candy would know whether this tastes like cotton candy—”

  “Arrg!” Amard shot forward, her arms wrapped around my neck and she shoved her soft little tongue into my mouth. Surprised, I returned the sentiment on reflex. It was Earle’s uncomfortable cough that finally pulled us apart. “Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. I’m writing the developers about this shit. That son of a bitch really ate a part of me.”

  She spoke as if she didn’t believe, or didn’t want to believe it, so I helped her not think about it.

  “For the record, your kisses taste like Candy.” I grinned at her, and the look she gave me told me I’d pay for that later. We cleaned up, and I burned the corpse of Butter to ash, after looting him. Not that he had anything worth a damn on him. It was at this point that one of the cannibals had come to report and stopped in his tracks with his hands raised.

  “I have nothing against you two; this was all his plan. I should warn you—Butter is small time, it's Fish you need to watch out for, especially now. Fish ate his own family. When recruiting, he ate anyone Butter thought of as a friend or family. After that, Fish force adopted Butter, so you killed Fish’s protégé, and he won’t be happy.”

  “Go, and I butter not see any of you again, or I won’t—” Amard snorted, interrupting my super serious speech. “I’m trying to give an ultimatum, woman, why are you…” She kissed me, and I forgot why I was yelling at her for a second. “If this is your way to butter me up, it's working.”

  “Umm boss, yer gorna get rid o’ da cannibal?” Earle asked and pulled on my ear.

  “Oh right. Take your buddies and scram, but know that I’ve seen all your names. If I hear of anyone of you pulling this shit again, I will hunt you down. You fucking psychos haven’t seen crazy.”

  The cannibal nodded and ran off. I knew it might be a mistake, but I don’t think I could in good conscious kill someone that wasn’t fighting back. After the cannibal left, we did not hang around and headed back to Sharmon.

  “You beat the [Temple Run] didn’t you?” Amard asked me a short time later. I nodded. “That’s impressive, and only a few have managed it. They mostly do the run because it's a fun way to die and get kicked back to the entrance.”

  “You call that fun? You are more twisted than I thought.” I laughed at her. “Truthfully, it was close. If there was any more to go after that falling floor, I’d have died. I had nothing left.”

  “Well, tonight we will have to work on your stamina.”

  “Yeayea… boss?” Earle chittered from my shoulder. “Yer gorna get me a separate fuching room.”

  Chapter 49

  Location: Sharmon (Inn)

  Amard did not lie, the moment we got back to Sharmon, she dragged me to my room and ravaged me. It was the most intense sex I’ve ever had. Now, I know that sounds crazy, considering the first time I had sex was a few days ago, and I messed around with a goblin. This passion was more terrifying than screwing a goblin with shark-like teeth. It held a commitment, a bond.

  Afterward, she rolled off to the side, and I could see her chest rising and falling as she struggled to get her breathing back under control. “You know, Deuce, I’ve been through some harrowing situations, but having a cannibal gnaw on me…” Her body shook, and I wrapped all four arms around her.

  “No one touches the women in my harem,” I muttered into her hair, and she stiffened before she started laughing.

  “What women? Let me be clear—I veto the goblin lady.”

  “Hah, you and me both. No, I got an idea for another one, but I need to go talk to her and see if she is up to it, and make sure Sonya won’t kill me.”

  “Oh damn, you don’t think small. Should I come with?”

  “Up to you, I need Sonya to train me more, and then talk to her about Sun—”

  “The pink haired troll?” She had a half smile and a faraway look. “Ok, go. I approve, provided you ca
n win her over.”

  Amard practically shoved me out the door, but before I opened it, “Can you disable my [Drama Meter]? Not remove it—just make it unable to do its thing?”

  “Not sure, let me experiment with mine, and I’ll let you know later.”

  “Okay, be back soon, hopefully with good news. By the way, I meant to ask, what was that bubble spell thing you cast while we fought Reptile?”

  “Oh, I got a new advanced class called [Muse], and I’m like a psychic vampire, I feed off [Drama] around me and use it to aid those around me. So I’m still a healer, but also a protector and even an entertainer when needed. Still trying to figure it all out, but now you know mine, what’s yours?”

  Earle was off running errands, and we were in my private chambers with no one to overhear. The question is, how much did I trust Amard? I’ve been betrayed at least twice already, but my gut said this woman was around for the long haul.

  “[Dragon Fist], but if you tell anyone, It’ll be game over for me. The Monastery Council are out to obliterate any monks that follow the Path of Fire, and if there is even a hint of a [Dragon Fist], they’ll send entire armies. I won’t escape.”

  “Believe it or not, I know Liaki’s story. I have to say you surprise me. I knew your [Ku] was fire based, but you don’t just have any fire, there is a dragon inside you, or you would never have been able to take that [Heart of the Storm].”

  “Now you know.”

  “Thank you for trusting me. Don’t worry; I got your back. Now go see about filling in our [Harem] so we can open all the benefits.”

  “You sure you are fine with this? I’m somewhat of a social recluse, but I thought people still pushed for monogamy.”

  “Idiot. I am fine with it, but let’s make one thing clear. I am first, always and forever. I will destroy anyone that tries to take that from me.”

  “Agreed.”

  “Oh, and Deuce? Just us three, for now, I put on a good front, but I’m still jealous of a fucking goblin, so I may not be as honest about it as I sound.”

  “Understood. While I’m gone, I’d see if you can find yourself a trainer too. Sonya will beat the hell out of me for a few hours. I won’t be back any time soon.” Amard said nothing as I left, and it was still daylight when I made it outside.

  There was a festival near the Cherry Blossom Grove, and I walked right into it. The crowd thinned the further I moved towards the Redd Eden’s residence, but when I thought I was almost free, a guard seized me.

  “Come with me.” The man’s stony face was impossible to read.

  “Do I have to?”

  The guard gave me another unreadable look and did not answer the question.

  “How about why am I going with you? Or how long will it take?”

  “Not long, and who am I to know the will of our leader.”

  Damn it. I know this is some stupid quest, like ‘hey, investigate my garden, because I am sure we have weasels.’ Or ‘investigate Weasel because I am sure he is stealing my carrots.’ Not sure why weasels were my theme, but whatever.

  “Fine, lead the way.” I sighed.

  [Breathing +1. Or maybe you are the weasel?]

  The guard was in front of me, so he did not see my eye roll, but I had to say NPC was getting a lot more ballsy with his comments. At no point did the guard stop, and we traveled down a path that wound through the Cherry Blossom trees. Eventually, we came to a manor that could have been a fortress if it wasn’t so dilapidated. There was once a high wall that surrounded the building, but it showed signs of disrepair. The once manicured lawns leading from the wall to the manor were thick with overgrown vegetation and shrubbery left unchecked.

  “Look, I want to be clear, no way am I mowing this lawn like cheap foreign laborer.”

  “That’s pretty specific.” A new voice spoke from the entry of the manor. He stepped out to greet me, but something was off with him. Come, let's talk away from my mind reading girlfriend, and don’t ask about the other one—she's a psycho.” As he turned, I saw that he was flat, like a piece of paper.

  “What the hell?”

  “The name is Giddy, and yes, I’m two-dimensional. The [Author] that created me gave me no source of emotion or motivation. And I can’t stop thinking about some guy named Luke. You know, I have all these hot amazing women, and my only true feelings are towards some guy I never met.”

  “That sucks. Hey, there is a guy named Luke that works at the Whorse House. I met him on my first day here. Maybe that’s your Luke. I even heard he’s a breeder. Imagine that would give you some fullness, round you out some, give your character some depth. Nothing like a good man to fill you out.”

  The paper-man in front of me turned, and his eyes lit up before looking past me at the guard. “You heard him. Go bring me this Luke.”

  [Deception +1. When you absolutely want to get out of a quest, start making shit up…]

  “Yes, sir,” The guard said.

  I swear I saw the guard sighing as he ran off and I could barely hold in my laugh. Wait until he finds out that Luke is a [Centaur].

  [Hidden Quest Complete: Giddy Up!

  Objective: Find Giddy’s true desire, a man named Luke. Why have a bevy of big-breasted women when you can lust after every man named Luke? I feel sorry for the man named Luke that walks into this town.

  Reward: Unknown, but probably a hand job from a wagon driver at a way station. Make sure he washes his hands with hot water first, nothing like cold hands to ruin a first impression.]

  I heard a voice laughing in my head, and I was confident my ears did not pick up any sounds.

  *Well played, Deuce. Maybe I’ll finally be free of this guy’s joyless lovemaking. He makes it feel like a chore, and I am so bored I could cry. But you, now you are interesting. A goblin, a troll, and the Father’s mis-aligned protégé. A manifestation of [Drama] itself. Interesting.*

  That was definitely in my head, and it was a female. And reading my thoughts?

  “You ok?” The mayor, or king, or whatever he was, asked.

  “Yea, why?”

  “Just saying, you might have solved my problem already. If this turns out, I was wondering where you were staying. I could reward you later.”

  “Uh, I have a girlfriend.”

  The paper-thin man laughed. “I don’t want you sexually. You couldn’t pay me to sleep with a [Mutant].”

  “Well… I will assume that asshole comment was because you lack personality, you two-dimensional man. I am staying at the Dragon Seed Inn.”

  “Fantastic. You can go now and don’t veer off the trail. Cherry Blossoms are sentient, and they dislike people in their midst.”

  “Whatever,” I said and took off down the trail.

  *We will meet again, handsome.* I heard her laughing, and it was an adorable laugh. *Get it? Handsome. Don’t forget about me, lover.*

  “Uh, if you can hear me, how can I remember someone I never met.”

  *Like this.* And I fell to my knees, my mind consumed with desire and lust as she stripped me bare. The images skipping to various things she did to me, and more specifically my cock. I had to close my eyes because my physical eyesight was creating feedback that made me nauseous. It was like watching a porn on fast-forward while riding a motorcycle.

  Once my eyes were closed, I embraced what was happening and let her in fully. Turns out I am not as powerless in this mental orgasm as I’d thought. I used our connection to return the favor. My tongue slid through the shaved lips of her vagina, and her body melted into and around me.

  *How? That shouldn’t be possible.* She moaned as her fingers laced themselves into my hair and she ground herself against my face. I could feel her stomach vibrating with an oncoming orgasm, and when it finally released, I stumbled forward onto my face—our mind link broken.

  “Shit tits.”

  I climbed to my feet, feeling a bit shaky and trying to hide my slowly fading erection. Once I felt confident, I headed off towards Sonya’s place, but before I le
ft the grove, I heard the woman reach out distantly. *Thank you.*

  “You’re welcome.” Who knows if she could hear me, but if she showed up on my doorstep, I would definitely try to add her to my [Harem].

  This game was screwing with me because a few days ago, I was against a harem altogether. Then again, I hadn’t had sex yet. It’s amazing how much losing my virginity changed things.

  Chapter 50

  Location: Chateau d’Lewd

  Sonya was expecting me and was at the gate when I showed up.

  “Not bad, [Dragon Fist], not bad at all.” A sparkle flashed in her eyes, and she tapped my forehead. “But you are still an idiot. Let’s go, daylight is burning, and if there is enough time I can teach you the new monk skills and help you convert them.”

  “And then I can ask you about taking Sun with me.” I blurted out, and she laughed.

  “Idiot. I don’t own her—she is her own woman. If she wants to go with you that is up to her. The money my women make is all theirs—all I offer is a safe place to ply their trade.” She stopped and turned. “But know this, if any harm comes to her, I will visit it on you a thousand times over.”

  “I would never.”

  “Relax, Loverboy. I’m well aware of your failings, but if you truly want her to join you, then you and I have a long night ahead of us. You aren’t leaving until you’ve mastered at least two more of your class abilities.”

  “Then let’s get to it.”

  Sonya punched me in the stomach, causing me to double over and lose my breath. While I struggled to breathe, I felt another fist connect with my cheek and blackness came over me.

  [You were knocked unconscious, and you will remain in this state for the next two minutes. Oh man, buddy. You got knocked the fuck out. Don’t be a retarded monkey; think about why.]

  A timer counted down, and NPC’s comment made sense. There was a lesson there, but I couldn’t think of it. I sighed, knowing it would be a long afternoon and evening.

  Hours later, I stumbled out of that evil woman’s training room, and Sun was there handing me a [Potion of the Ox], which recharged energy and stamina. It was no [Healing Potion] though and tasted like black coffee. I enjoyed hot tea, just never acquired a taste for coffee. It was not a potion I would get addicted to any time soon.