by Royal Blue
He stares at me for a long moment before shaking his head and smiling, causing those dimples to pop again. I double down on my restraint to keep from reaching over and dragging him to my lips.
“I want to be more than friends with you, but I’m going to allow you that wall you have up. I’m a lot to take on—”
“My hesitation has nothing to do with you,” I say.
He searches my face but nods after a moment. I never want him to think I don’t want to pursue more because of his PTSD. That’s so far from the case. I want more with Angel; I just know my issues will be a problem.
“So, Mason, the little dude. That’s your nephew?” he asks, lifting a brow.
“Yeah, Kyle, his biological uncle, was adopted by my parents.”
“That’s cool. Are you close with your parents?”
“As tight as can be, but it’s just my mama now,” I reply, looking down into my hands in my lap.
“Sorry to hear that.”
“Heart attack. Kyle was just getting the family he deserved. A mama and daddy that cared about him. Emma and I were settling into our new lives here in New York. In the blink of an eye, it was all snatched away,” I say, rubbing at my chest.
“Damn, that’s rough. I hate to hear shit like that. You know, good people that have their time cut short. My father and I have had our differences, but I couldn’t imagine losing him,” Angel says.
Something distant takes over his expression. A longing, I would say.
“Are you out to your family?”
“Yeah, Papi lost his shit when I brought my first boyfriend home. I think it was a shock. It sort of came out of nowhere for my family. Everyone but Andres. He knew. My pops got over it, but I’ve always felt like he never looks at me the same. Like I disappointed him,” he says somberly.
“I never told my daddy. I think my mama always knew. She has a way of seeing what no one else does. Makes me wonder if Daddy saw too,” I offer without thinking.
“Would that have been a bad thing?”
I yawn and shake my head to clear the sleep away. I’m enjoying my time talking to him. I haven’t been this relaxed in a long time.
“No, I don’t think it would have been. Daddy was more focused on me being happy. That meant making me into the best damn fighter I could be,” I say and smile wistfully.
“All the more reason to fight for what you love,” Angel says in a knowing tone.
I don’t reply. His words from earlier are still swimming in my head. I’m choosing to hold off on digging into these until I’m alone and can pull back the cover I have on those open wounds.
Another yawn escapes me. My lids are starting to feel heavy. I give Angel a lazy smile. “You don’t have to sleep in your clothes. You can use any of my stuff you want.”
“I think you’re just trying to get me naked.” He grins.
“Sounds good. Not a bad thought at all.” I return his smile and close my lids for a brief second to relax and clear my mind.
Angel
He looks peaceful in his sleep. Even as I long to look into those gray eyes, I can’t say that I’m not admiring the gorgeous sight before me. The hard plains of his face, that hard jawline. My fingers itch to graze his beard and feel that softness against my skin again.
It’s such a contrast to the look of Beau. He’s strong and rough around the edges. The silky hairs both soothing and abrasive against my own skin prove that nothing is as meets the eye. I know this to be true all too well.
I look around the loft and take in a deep breath. I agreed to stay, but I’m not sure I’ll be able to sleep here. I just couldn’t force myself to leave once he asked.
The curtains billow from the night breeze, drawing my attention to the balcony. I take one more glance at a sleeping Beau before I get up and head out for some fresh air. Immediately I feel tension release I hadn’t even noticed before.
Resting on my forearms against the rail, I think about my conversation with Beau on the rooftop. I admitted things to him that I’ve never told anyone. I was so fucked-up just a few days ago.
At first, I didn’t think talking to Eric would do anything for me. Then I walked out of that first session to find Beau still waiting. I know he said he would be there, but I didn’t think I’d see him again after he dropped me off.
Beau has been a man of his word. Which is why I’m conflicted. He doesn’t want a relationship. He can’t give more than sex. He has said as much, but I feel this spark between us, and I want to know more about it, him, and where it will take us.
I inhale the night air and blow it back out as if I can blow out my wandering thoughts. Maybe Beau is right. We shouldn’t try for more. He’s the closest thing I’ve had to a friend in a long time. I need that more than I knew.
“No!” I startle as Beau’s deep voice booms from inside, drafting out to me. “No!”
I rush back in to find him thrashing in the bed. Just as I reach the edge, he sits up bolt straight, sweat coating his face, his shirt clinging to his skin. His eyes are wild, and his hand trembles as he reaches up to run it through his thick dark hair.
“Hey,” I say gently as I climb onto the edge of the bed.
He jerks his head toward me as if he’s just realizing he’s not alone. I reach out cautiously, placing a hand on his shoulder. He stiffens at first, but when I give a small squeeze, he sags into himself.
It’s his turn to sob and my turn to be there for him. Only I don’t think my sobs were this soul wrecking. This comes from somewhere so deep that has the potential to shake us both.
I wrap my arms around his shoulders, and he reaches an arm out to wrap it around my waist. He turns his face into my chest, and I hold him tighter. I don’t know how much time passes before the room falls silent and we just sit holding on to each other.
I don’t want to break the silence with needless words. I can’t pretend to know his pain, but I sit praying he will tell me. Just when I resolve myself to be content with our silent bond, Beau begins to speak.
“It was my first real relationship… I… I killed him. It… it was a freak accident. I thought he would block the punch. I just wanted to stun him a little to force him to focus and get serious. Instead of blocking the hit, he went on showboating.
“I saw the moment it was all about to go wrong. He stepped into the punch and lost his footing. His momentum toward me and the force of the punch… it was too late to pull back…. It all shouldn’t have happened.” His breath hitches.
I rub a hand over his hair and kiss the top of his head. I don’t realize I’ve been rocking until he tightens his arms around me. Something tugs in my chest, but I ignore it and listen as he starts to talk again.
“I was known for power-punching. Roman had no business in the ring playing games with a fighter like me. My promoter was an asshole. He tricked me into the fight for a bigger payout. I had the contracts to fight a different guy. I read them and agreed to the terms.
“Somehow, when my back was turned, the bastard switched the contracts. By the time I knew it, it was too late. The fight was announced, and to back out would’ve been career suicide.” He snorts.
“That’s some fucked-up shit to do,” I finally say.
“It was just the beginning. He was the one waving the fan at the flames. He… outed us to the world. Not that I cared what people thought of me. I just didn’t want my relationship to be what put butts in the seats.
“People actually paid just to see me beat on the man I loved. They were salivating for it. The roar of the crowd still haunts me as much as the silence as Roman laid there lifeless,” he says.
“Damn,” I breathe, closing my eyes as I ache for him.
The pain in his voice is so thick, it’s choking. I wish I had a way to soothe him, an outlet to offer. It’s just on the tip of my tongue to ask him if he has ever talked to Eric, when he speaks my thoughts.
“I started to see Eric for a while. After the nightmares began, I was so lost and broken. Eric helped me
to find a way to function, and the nightmares became less frequent. I don’t know why they’re coming back,” he says, sounding like a small boy at the end.
“Could be time to officially free yourself. Surviving isn’t living,” I murmur softly.
Silence greets me, but I hold on tight. I anchor us both, fighting back my own demons to be here for the man who was there for me when I needed it.
Chapter 11
Epiphany
Beau
“Stamina and endurance are as important as how well you throw a punch,” I call out to the kids jumping rope before me. “If you can endure, you can wait your opponent out. Come on, dig in, guys.”
Their little faces are covered in sweat and determination. Damian is the first to hit the floor and call it quits. He looks at me with apologetic eyes. I give a nod, proud that he even tried.
“You’re only as strong as the team in your corner. You guys just lost a man. You gained his load. Thirty seconds,” I say, causing groans to fill the air in chorus.
“I think you’re trying to kill them,” Emma says as she comes over.
“Nope, I’m building them up. They’ll be able to survive through anything.”
“They’re eight and ten. Come on, they can’t even enter the ring for another four-to-six years,” she says, side glancing me.
“When they’re old enough, they’ll be ready. This group has started martial arts training.”
“Yeah, but look at them.” She pouts.
Daddy always treated her like a princess. Emma won’t even run two miles. This would look like torture to her. “They’ll be fine. Daddy taught me just like this,” I reply.
Her face softens. She reaches to pat my shoulder. The soft smile on her face reminds me of him. Those smiles were something special, but I saw them most while doing this, training to be my best.
It had been his dream to move to New York and train fighters. He made that happen even when we as a family tried to protest. We had family and friends we didn’t want to leave behind in Dallas. Looking back now, so much about my father’s dream changed all of our lives.
“He would be proud of you,” she says softly.
“I doubt that.” I scoff and give my attention back to the kids.
“I wish you weren’t so hard on yourself. Daddy would’ve been really proud of you. He would want you to be doing what you love again too—”
“Don’t,” I say tightly. “Not now. I don’t want to talk about this, but especially not now.”
“Fine, I understand. I just wish we could talk about it sometime. Now hear me out just a little,” she says when I go to cut her off again. “I want to see you happy. As hard as you push to look okay to everyone else, I see you. I want to be here for you. Talk to me. It doesn’t have to be today, but I’m here for you.”
I reach to tug her in, kissing the top of her head. I know she means well. Our family has been through a lot. We’re always looking out for each other.
“I’m fine,” I say.
“You’re surviving,” she replies.
Her words hit hard as they echo Javier’s and Angel’s. I’m hearing this too often. Am I truly just surviving? They’re all probably right. I honestly don’t know whether I’m coming or going anymore.
“You and Andres have started dating, I see.”
Emma purses her lips. “You’re amazing at that.”
“At what?”
“Avoiding what you don’t want to talk about. But to answer your question… yes, we have gone on a date. We talk a lot on the phone as well.”
“I want to see you happy too, Emma. I may not say much, but that’s all I want for you and Kyle.”
“We get it. You speak when we need it most. That’s what counts,” she says.
“Another thirty seconds. You’re starting to drop like flies,” I call out.
“Look at Mas.” Emma giggles. “He’s determined to make you proud.”
“No, I think he’s determined not to look weak.” I snicker.
“Billy’s giving him a run for his money. They’re so cute,” she whispers.
“She’s not going to let him outjump her.”
“Yeah, he’s just as bent on outlasting her,” Emma muses.
Mason and Billy push themselves. Angel walks over to join us. My sister’s cheeks turn bright red. She’s still embarrassed about thinking I stole her potential boyfriend.
“Hey, how are you doing, Emma?” Angel says.
“I’m good, and you?”
“Hanging in there,” he says and nods at the kids. He laughs. “These two at it again?”
“Always.”
I give a short laugh and look at my timer. I smile as I see they’ve both broken their best. “They may be battling each other, but they’re making each other better,” I say.
“Sometimes you just need to find the right motivation. Every now and then that turns out to be in the form of a person,” Angel says.
“I like the sound of that,” Emma chimes in.
“Do you have a person?” Angel directs at Emma, but his eyes remain on me.
“I don’t know yet,” she says, her blush returning full force.
“Time,” I call out to Mason and Billy.
They both stop jumping and double over to catch their breath. Billy glares at Mason. Mason has a little grin on his face. This little guy is determined to win her over as a friend.
“Good job, all of you. Billy, Mas, you guys beat your best times. Nice work.”
“Uncle Beau,” Mas pants. “Are we still hanging out this weekend?”
“Sure are. Mama’s making us cookies for our trip,” I reply.
“Yes.” He pumps his fist. “Can I bring a friend?”
“I don’t see why not.”
He turns to Billy with a hopeful expression. Billy glares back at him warily. I cringe inside as I watch this little train wreck about to happen. That is until Mason stuns everyone.
“Uncle Beau is taking me to ride horses this weekend. I can bring a friend. You’re my friend. You coming or not?”
Emma, Angel, and I all stifle laughs behind our hands. I’m going to have to tell the little guy that’s not how you win women over. Then again, Mas teaches me something.
“Horses?” Billy says, her pretty brown eyes widening.
“Yeah, you’ll get to ride one if you want. There’ll be lunch and Grandma’s chocolate chip cookies.”
Billy looks between me and Mas as she processes the information. Her small mouth creeps up in the corners. I think it’s the first time I’ve seen her give a smile.
“Yeah, I’m going,” she says, shocking me. “But we’re still not friends.”
With that she walks away, leaving Mason smiling after her. These two are cute and funny as heck. Mason turns to me still grinning.
“Make sure we have extra cookies, Uncle Beau,” he says and disappears in the direction Billy just went.
“I can’t say I’m mad at the little guy.” Angel laughs when the kids are gone. “Might not have been the smoothest line I’ve heard, but it worked for him.”
“Yeah, I totally wasn’t expecting that one,” Emma says. “I’ll see you later. I’m going to round the kids up and head back.”
“Give me a call later. I still owe you a few beers.”
“You got it, bro,” she says and leans in to kiss my cheek. “Maybe we can talk then.”
“Maybe.”
“Later,” Angel calls as Emma waves at him.
I start to straighten up the area, and Angel joins me. We work in silence, but I can sense he has something on his mind. I wait him out, getting lost in my own thoughts in the meantime.
I can’t get those words out of my head. I’ve been surviving. Doing what I have to do to get by. I haven’t moved forward much in the last six years.
My biggest accomplishment—the time I had the most peace—has been while working on the apartment complex and the orphanage. My partnership with Kyle to build that place was just what I ne
eded, a distraction.
I pause in the middle of hanging up the jump ropes, my thoughts clicking into place. The nightmares started again after I finished the project.
“Hey, Beau,” Angel calls. “You okay?”
He’s watching me closely. It takes a second for me to find my words. He moves closer, searching my eyes.
“Yeah, I just thought of something,” I say, rubbing the back of my neck.
He takes the ropes from my hands and hangs them for me. I shove my empty palms in my pockets and rock back on my heels as my epiphany hits me harder. Over the last three years, I’ve run myself so hard with getting that deal done, then getting the project finished. Never once did I have time to be consumed by my past.
“Want to talk about it?” Angel asks, pulling my attention back to him.
I think his question over. Do I want to talk about this? For the first time, I think I do, but only with him. That realization blows me away as well as while giving me a ton of other thoughts to deal with. “Yeah, I wouldn’t mind that.”
“How about dinner at your place? I’ll cook this time,” Angel replies.
“Sounds good.” I nod.
“All right, we’ll leave in about thirty, right?”
“Yeah.”
It shouldn’t make my stomach so warm to know he knows what time I leave for the day. Yet I can’t shake the feeling. Friendship, that’s what I said we could have. This is a part of building a friendship. Talking and having dinner.
Angel
“Are you still sulking because I wouldn’t let you pay for the groceries?” I murmur in amusement as I look up from the plantains I’m frying.
Beau gives a grunt and sips his beer as he sits at the island in front of me. I can’t help smiling wider. With the music playing in the background, my hands busy cooking, and the mellow atmosphere, I’m the most content I’ve been in a long time. “It’s my turn to treat,” I say.
“I didn’t expect you to have to buy your own cooking utensils. I could’ve put out for the things I didn’t have here,” he says.