by Royal Blue
“You can’t judge a book by its cover. Nothing is ever black and white. We don’t love her because she plays sports or because of the clothes she wears. We love her because she’s Billy, and that can be defined so many ways,” he says.
“I guess I’m just a little surprised, but you’re right.”
“Okay, boys. We’re done here,” Mama calls as the three walk over to the counter with their haul.
I reach for my wallet, and Angel narrows his eyes at me. I kiss his cheek and ignore him, moving to the counter. I let him pay in the last store.
“Thank you,” Billy says as I hand over the card.
“You’re very welcome, darlin’.”
“I heard someone say that new families are coming this weekend. Maybe if I look nice one will want me,” Billy says hopefully.
I bite my cheek to keep from saying anything. Mama gives me a knowing smile. I see Angel pinch Emma when she opens her mouth. My sister has been chomping at the bit to spill the beans. Angel and I made a bet that she’ll slip up before we can have our big day.
“Something tells me you’re about to find the perfect family,” Mama says.
“I hope so. I’m tired of sharing a room. Shelly’s feet stink. We’ve tried to tell her nicely, but she won’t listen. Ugh, I just want a place to call home that’s not stinky,” she says, turning up her cute little nose.
“We can’t have it all,” Angel mumbles under his breath, glaring at me.
I purse my lips to keep from laughing. Turning my attention back to Billy, I watch her eyes shine as she keeps her eyes on her things going into bags. Yeah, next week can’t arrive soon enough for me.
Angel
“You know, I was thinking. Maybe I don’t want a family, you know. If I leave, then what happens to my horse? I wouldn’t get to see you guys all the time or come to the gym,” she rambles, as she bounces between Beau and me. “No, I don’t think a family is a good idea.”
We’re walking up Madison, heading to a restaurant, and Billy hasn’t stopped talking. It’s adorable to see her so happy and excited. My mother-in-law and sister-in-law had to leave, but Beau and I decided to take Billy out to eat.
Beau had suggested we either have takeout at the gym or go to Kyle’s, but I thought it would be nice to take Billy somewhere she hasn’t been. She’s always at the gym or the complex. From her excitement now, I’m glad we’re going someplace different.
I go to reply to her, but several things happen at once. A group of teenagers rush out of a shop barking and hooting. A guy grabs his girl to shield her from the rowdy teens and bumps my shoulder. A motorcycle on the street revs and backfires.
It’s too fast and too much. I’m not able to single them out or cancel them in my brain. The crowd around us grows too tight, closing in on me and raising my anxiety. My sight becomes unfocused, and just when my spiraling out hits its peak, the sound of glass shattering sends me right over.
“Someone talk to me!” I shout, but there’s no returning answer.
They’re gone. They’re all gone.
The smell of burning flesh and gunpower fills my nostrils. Yet I can’t reconcile what that means. I refuse to connect the silence to the smell. My heart races.
“Come on, Bachman, say something, motherfucker. You talk to me,” I shout.
Pain sears my right side. I shove the fallen debris off me, noting my dislocated shoulder. Closing my eyes and taking a deep breath, I roll hard, knocking it back into place. I bite back the scream that wants to erupt from my lips.
“Fuck,” I gasp in a whisper.
After rolling onto my back, I push up. I have to move. I need to get to a safe location before this place collapses or, worse, goes up in flames. Once to my feet, I try to assess where I am and the best plan to exit.
The mission. It was an ambush. Something shifts, drawing my attention. I grab my blade just in time to slash out at the hostile coming toward me.
We struggle as I block out the pain. I fight with everything I have; the adrenaline kicks in to numb my body and my mind. In a quick move, I have his back to my front. I lift the blade to his neck as I hold him in a choke hold.
My arm and hand with the blade are shaking. It’s the shoulder I just popped back in. His hold on my wrist is the only thing keeping me from dragging this knife across his throat. I’m stronger than him, but my damn injured side is allowing this to be a fight.
“Angel.”
I look around. Someone’s calling me. I blink as something about all of this feels off. The smoke thickens and my head feels clouded.
Everyone calls me Hernández or Truth because I’m always honest. Who’s calling me by my name? I try to concentrate. Something’s not right. The guy I’d been struggling with is gone. I’m alone and in the desert now.
My throat feels dry. I’m so thirsty. Where is everyone?
“Angel.”
“Where are you? Who are you?”
“Angel.”
Beau
“Stay back, Billy,” I warn as I block her body with mine.
A crowd has surrounded us on the busy street. The man Angel was holding now sits pushed to the ground, looking on in confusion, but my focus is on Angel standing before me with his arms out at his sides. He’s looking around him, but he’s not seeing the scene before him.
“Where are you? Who are you?” he calls out.
“Angel,” I call again.
He doesn’t respond to me. His face twists with frustration and confusion. I don’t want to risk getting closer. This isn’t like at the wedding or our wedding reception. Something in his body language and expression give me pause.
“Angel,” Billy calls out.
This time his head snaps in Billy’s direction. She’s behind me with her hands clasping my jacket as she peeks around my body. I want to tell her to get back, but this crowd is growing, and I don’t want to lose her in it.
“Angel, it’s me, Billy,” she says.
“Angel, we’re here right in front of you. Can you hear me?” I coax.
“Yo, Angel,” Billy says.
That seems to do the trick. My shoulders sag in relief as he blinks at Billy and stumbles back a bit. His eyes clear, but they bounce between Billy still peeking from around my back and me. All of the blood drains from his face and his eyes widen.
“It’s okay,” I say.
However, it’s not. Angel turns and takes off through the crowd. I go to take off after him, but I pause when I remember Billy.
“Where’s he going?” she asks softly.
I run a hand through my hair and tug. I don’t know where he’s taking off to. I have a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. “I don’t know.”
Chapter 33
Second Thoughts
Angel
I should’ve put more thought into this. Beau and I have been living in a bubble of our own creation, dreaming of things that can never be. Who was I kidding? “You’re so fucking selfish,” I bite out.
The look in Billy’s eyes is burned in my head. I could see the fear in her gaze as she looked at me from around Beau’s back. That little girl has had enough crap in her life. She doesn’t need my fucked-up shit.
I have no business trying to adopt a kid. My worst nightmare is to fuck this up and ruin Billy’s life. We should’ve thought ahead. Eric is wrong. I’m not mentally fit. I don’t care what he says.
“Fuck,” I breathe as I look out over the Hudson.
I needed to get away. I came here to think. I used to come here to get my head right when I lived on the streets. I’ve been here all night; dawn is just starting to break.
My phone rings in my pocket, grabbing my attention. I pull it out to send the call to voicemail. Beau has been calling all night. I just can’t face him yet. However, when I look at the name on the screen, it’s not Beau. I decide to pick up this time, needing a voice of reason. “Hello.”
“Hello, Angel,” Eric says into the phone. “Dar gave me a call. Your husband is very concerne
d about you. Do you want to talk?”
“This was all a mistake. I’ll never be able to start a family like this,” I say.
“Take a breath, Angel,” he says. “Let’s think this through.”
“What’s there to think through? I freaked out in front of the kid. I scared her. How can we adopt her when I could put her in danger at any moment?” I demand.
“You’ve been doing so well. This has been the first major episode you’ve had in almost a year. You’ve reduced your stress, and you’ve been sleeping more. So what makes you think you can’t continue to progress?” he asks.
“I don’t know. It just doesn’t seem like enough,” I whisper.
“Are we talking about your progress or you, Angel? You want to know what I’ve been hearing in our sessions?”
I take a moment to think over his words. Have I done enough to be worthy of Beau and Billy? I sigh, hoping he can point me to the answer. “Yeah, go on.”
“You’ve become anxious in the last few sessions as you talked about getting ready to tell Billy that you and Beau want to adopt her. I see you beginning to stress about moving into the new apartment and taking this next step.
“Under this type of stress, you were bound to have an episode sooner or later. The outside triggers this time were just the catalyst to what was already building. We’ve talked about running away from your problems in the very beginning.
“I don’t believe that’s who you are. You’re not a runner. I think you will be a great father to Billy. I wouldn’t have put her life or care in danger by saying you were ready if you weren’t. I take my job seriously. I stand by my recommendation,” he says.
I close my eyes against the bright rising sun. As the warm rays hit my face, I allow his words to sink in. He’s right. I’m not a runner. I’ve tried it in the past. Running only frustrates me in the end. I’d much rather confront my battles head on. “So what do I do?”
“Go home to your husband. Sit down with him and discuss what you felt before you took off. What’s one of the biggest things you said you learned about yourself in the last year?” he asks.
I stop and think. I’ve shared so much with Eric over the last year. We’ve talked about everything. I’ve found more peace as I’ve revealed to him the things that lurk in my brain.
When I open my eyes, I see the answer. I know exactly what he’s talking about. It’s what shaped my life choices in the past.
“When I choose to run, I base the decision off my perception of other’s feelings, but I’m not always right about how they feel,” I say.
“Exactly. Go home. Put your husband’s mind at ease. Then have a talk with Billy. See how the experience really affected her. Again, I wouldn’t have cleared you or written the glowing letter that I did if I didn’t think you were right for her. A bad day here and there shouldn’t keep you and Beau from loving that child.
“Come see me in a few days. I think I have some new methods you might like to add on to your care plan. And, Angel?” he says.
“Yeah.”
“Bad days help us gauge how we’re doing in this life. You’re doing better than you’re giving yourself credit for,” he says. “You’re very lucky to have the support system you have. Don’t take that for granted. Today is today; tomorrow is tomorrow. You live each as they happen. Not before and not after.”
“I just need time to think,” I say.
“That’s fine. You’re entitled to do that. Just make sure you consider what I’ve said,” he says before we end the call and I power my phone down.
I do think on all he has said as I start to walk. Can I say for sure that I scared Billy? No. In my moment of panic, that’s what I interpreted in the look on her face. Have I come a long way? Yes. I’ve been holding down two jobs, and I function in my home life with Beau. Is it perfect? No. I still get up in the middle of the night most nights, but it’s not as bad as it used to be.
But I do know how serious Eric is about his work. When I thought he would just sign off on my mental health as a friend of Darwin and the family, he didn’t. He actually increased my sessions and had me work through a few things before he did give me the all clear.
But there’s one question that still looms in my head. The most important one in my opinion. The one I need to answer before I return home.
Am I enough?
Beau
I look at the clock again. It’s nine in the morning. Darwin called over two hours ago to let me know that Eric finally got through to Angel. Yet my husband hasn’t answered a single one of my calls. His phone has started to go straight to voicemail.
I can’t lift another weight, throw another pitch, skip another rope. I’ve done it all in between calling Angel over and over. I’m exhausted and worried to my wits’ end. I want to be out there searching for him, but Andres and Alejandro felt it would be better if I stayed here at the gym.
“Hey.”
I whip around at the sound of Emma’s voice. I didn’t even hear her come into the gym. I wipe away the sweat from my forehead with the back of my arm. My muscles are screaming at me in protest of every move at this point. “Hey,” I murmur.
I take the cup of coffee she hands me. I’ll need it. I’m not going to rest until I can see with my own eyes that Angel is okay.
“We know how to pick ’em, don’t we?” she says as we move to take a seat on the bleachers.
“Trouble in paradise?” I ask, not ready to talk about my own relationship.
“That’s just it. I don’t know. Andres has this way of shutting down. I don’t know what I did or what’s going on,” she says and pouts.
“Want me to talk to him?”
“No.” She sighs. “It’ll be fine. I’m just going to give him some space for now.”
I study her face. It’s not fine, but I’ll respect her decision for now. I honestly think Andres has fallen for her. I see the way he looks at her. I’m not really sure what his problem could be.
“Do you think he’s just freaked out about becoming a dad?” Emma says, pulling me from my thoughts after a few moments pass.
“Em, I don’t know what he’s thinking. Angel… he has this way of seeing everyone else for who they are. It’s one of the things that made me open up and fall for him so hard. But when it comes to him looking in the mirror, he doesn’t see how amazing he is,” I reply.
“Everything has happened sort of fast. I can see him needing time to think.”
“He can have all the time in the world to think. I just want to know he’s okay. This isn’t all right,” I explode. I clamp my mouth shut and reel it back in. “I love him. I want to be there for him when he needs me. I’m so damn pissed at him.”
“Maybe you can step into his shoes for a second,” she says. “You’re so used to controlling your environment around you. It’s one of the things you do best. You take care of everything, make sure everything goes the way it should.
“Oh my God, that apartment. It’s perfect for both Angel and Billy. They’re going to flip when they see it. Everything about that place speaks of how you take control.
“You and Angel are so alike in so many ways, but think about it, Beau. This is the one thing he can’t control. He’s trying so hard to. He’s been working so hard. Add to that loving the stuffing out of Billy and being worried that he could lose her because of this. Could you imagine not having the control you always have over something that important to you?” she says.
I look down into the cup in my hands. No, I couldn’t imagine that. It makes my head hurt trying. I never thought of it that way.
Angel and I bump heads about who gets the bill. We’ve learned to compromise control in so many areas, but that’s still a challenge as one of us is always left grumbling about conceding. That’s when we chose to give up control. I can’t imagine involuntary giving up my power over my life.
Even in the ring, I’m making the choices that control my fight. I’m always driving the situation. Always weaving the outcome in some for
m. Making the choices.
“He doesn’t get the choice when this happens,” I think out loud.
“Exactly. Now think about how that must tear him apart,” she says.
My anger begins to wean. I place my coffee aside and wrap my arm around my sister, kissing the top of her head. Her arms go around me and give a little squeeze.
“When did you get so wise?” I murmur.
“Always have been. I knew you’d notice one of these days.”
“I love you, darlin’. Thanks.”
“It’s all going to be fine. I have a niece,” she squeals.
I release a laugh and give her a squish. I hope it all works out. Too many hearts to be broken if we can’t pull it together. “One thing at a time,” I say.
“Yeah, I guess you’re right. But I’m still so excited.”
“No one can say we live a dull life.”
I take out my phone and shoot Angel a text. I’m doing my best to be understanding and do just as Emma said. I’m placing myself in his shoes.
Me: Take your time. I’m here when you’re ready. I love you.
Chapter 34
Love’s Submission
Beau
I peel my eyes open and look around the loft. I don’t remember coming up here or getting into bed. I spent the day locked in my office, waiting to hear back from Angel or someone who found his location.
I turn for the clock and see I must have passed out for a bit. I sit up and toss my legs over the edge of the bed. I lift my phone from the pillow to check for messages. I have a few text messages, but they’re all from everyone except the person I’m looking for. As my head clears, I register the whine of the pipes from the gym below.
I get to my feet and head downstairs without a second thought. As I get to the lower level, the lights in the locker room draw my attention and the sound of the shower reaches my ears. The knot in my chest that has been resting there since last night begins to loosen.