by Royal Blue
After pushing off the doorjamb, I saunter over to stand behind him and cage him in with my arms, my hands on the rails. He stiffens for a moment but relaxes when I kiss between his shoulder blades. I shift to rest my chin on his shoulder.
“I hate when I wake you. You have training in the morning and press stops after.” He sighs.
“I’ll be fine. I’ve run off of less sleep.”
“So much has changed, and yet so much is still the same.”
“I was thinking that not too long ago. We take the good with the bad, though. We’re lucky to have a great support system,” I say.
“We sure are. Not everyone can say that.”
“What’s on your mind?”
“I got a call from an old buddy today. His wife can’t take it. She’s leaving him,” he says, his voice filled with so much pain.
Angel is so compassionate. When you look at him you may see the rough and tough exterior, but he has a big soft heart. He draws you in with it.
I give a low whistle. “That has to hit hard for them both.” Turning my face into his neck, I inhale him. “But that’s not us. I’d chase you to the ends of the earth to make sure you know I love you, and our little girl is crazy about you.”
“I hate it when you read my thoughts,” he grumbles.
I chuckle and nuzzle his neck. “Just returning the favor. I think that’s when I knew we were meant to be together. You were in my head from the beginning.”
“I think I knew when I turned to find you watching me take a shower in your gym. You didn’t call the cops or try to knock my ass out,” he says with a laugh.
“This house is full of fighters. We’re not leaving you, Angel. Just like you wouldn’t leave us,” I say.
“Para decirle a mi cabeza lo que mi corazón sabe.”
“To tell my head what my heart knows,” I repeat.
“Sí, you’re getting good. Billy loves that she can speak Spanish to us both now.”
“I love it too.”
He turns in my embrace to face me. I slide my arms around his waist and pull him close. There will never be a time where I’m close enough to him. I’ll always want to be closer. If I could, I’d pour myself into him and rest there for life.
“You’re going to win the fight,” he says. “It’s your fight. It’s your time. It was meant to be.”
“From your lips to God’s ears.” I snort.
He runs his hand through the front of my hair. Those whiskey-brown eyes scan mine from beneath those long dark lashes. He cups my face in his hands.
“It’s your fight to win. The only thing that will stop you is you. Leave the baggage outside the ring. You’ve spent over a year getting ready for this. No one deserves this win more than you,” he says with such sincerity I feel it in my bones.
“How do you always know just what I need to hear?”
“You’re the other half of my soul. I am the other half of yours. It’s why you’re always able to call me back to you,” he says against my lips.
We both complete the connection at once. It’s not a hungry kiss, but a tender one that speaks of the patience we have learned with each other and life. Our kiss tells a story of us—going somewhere, it just doesn’t always have to be fast.
“Te amo.”
“I love when your country ass speaks Spanish,” he laughs. “Te amo, Papi. Come, let’s go to bed.”
Chapter 44
Should’ve Told Me
Beau
I’m vibrating with rage as I storm into Refuge. I have the documents that arrived at the gym clinched in my hand, burning a hole through my palm. I still can’t believe what I read on them. I need to hear this from Javier himself.
“Beau, hey, gorgeous,” Darwin sings as I approach the table.
I ignore him and slam the papers in my hand down on the table in front of Javier. My palm slaps the glass so hard, the drinks on it shake and a bottle of champagne turns over. Javier’s gaze takes me in and his smile falls. He lifts the papers to see what I’ve placed before him.
“What the fuck is that, Javi?” I demand.
The blood drains from his face. He swallows hard and looks back up at me. I feel the betrayal cut deep. It’s clear by his expression that he’s seen these documents before. He’s no stranger to what they are.
“Where did these come from?” he asks.
“Answer my damn question.”
“Beau, calm down,” Chris says.
I turn to him and glare. It dawns on me that a few of my friends are here. Daniel takes the papers from Javier, and the look on his face tells me this betrayal runs deeper than I thought.
“Ah, fuck,” Kyle says when he gets his hands on the pages.
“You knew about this?” I say to my brother, feeling the most hurt by him having knowledge of this and keeping it from me.
I consider them all my brothers, but Kyle might as well be my own flesh and blood. This hurts so much, I feel like I’m going to explode. I can’t believe they hid this from me.
“How did you get these?” Javier asks again.
“They were delivered to my damn front door,” I seethe. “I was heading out of the gym when a carrier dropped them off.”
“Un-fuck-real,” Kyle snarls. “So what? This is Steve’s final play. Payback?”
Kyle looks at Javier as he says this. It pisses me off that they’re still excluding me from something that clearly involves me. I snatch the papers back as if I can snatch back the past and do it over again.
“Exactly what I was thinking,” Javi says as he looks me in the eyes. “Your fight is tomorrow. You don’t find it strange that these would appear now?”
“I don’t give a fuck about that. I care that you requested these documents and never thought to share what they revealed. You buried this shit without coming to me.”
“You were not in the right state of mind to find these things out,” Javi says.
“I absolutely agree,” Kyle says. “We didn’t do this to hurt you. It was to protect you. I’d do it again too.”
“It’s been years. You could’ve told me at some point,” I growl.
“In all fairness, Beau, you just turned your life around and came out of the funk you were in after all of that. There has never been a right time to tell you. This damn sure wasn’t the right time either,” Chris says.
The others gathered around the private booth nod in agreement. I tighten my fist with the papers in it. I’m fuming to the point I’m seeing red.
“You moved on with your life. I didn’t see the point in dumping that shit on your doorstep. Shit, you wouldn’t get in the ring before Angel. Now you’re about to have a professional bout,” Ray says.
“Beau, you can’t be angry with them. They always had your best interest in mind, always,” Darwin says.
I stumble to take the empty seat between Javi and Kyle. I drop my head into my hands, still clenching the papers. My head hurts.
“He was high,” I murmur to no one in particular.
“As a fucking kite,” Chris says.
“If you watch the fight, you’ll see something was off. It was more than his usual showboating,” Kyle says.
“How did this happen?” I say, feeling lost and confused. “We were always together. He didn’t use. We were tested before the fight. Nothing was in his system.”
“Which is why I put all my eggs in the basket that says Steve gave it to him right before the fight,” Javi says.
“He was a better fighter than that. He should’ve known better,” I say hoarsely.
“He was young. Steve was selling him all kinds of dreams and shit.” Kyle snorts. “Man, you can’t beat yourself up for any of that.”
“He died. He died on my watch,” I say.
Javi places his hand on my back. I turn to look into his eyes. Regret weighs heavily in them.
“I’m sorry you found out this way. I had planned to tell you after you win this fight. You didn’t need this on your head. Please, don’t take thi
s on, my friend. Roman made several bad choices that led to his fate.
“He and Steve didn’t think about you or what all of this would do to you. I ask you not to throw your future away for people that never cared enough to protect it. We all want what’s best for you. We’re always here to protect you,” he says.
I close my eyes and turn away. I’m angry, but I honestly don’t think it’s with them. I don’t know who to truly be angry with.
Hell, I don’t know how knowing any of this should make me feel. It doesn’t make me feel any better. If anything, I’m back to square one. The blood has stained my hands all over again.
“I need you to stop whatever’s going on in your head, Beau,” Kyle says. “I know you like the back of my hand. You’ve jumped over a huge hurdle in the last few weeks. Don’t let this set you back.”
“I need to go,” I say.
I don’t look back as I stumble from the club and drive home numb to everything. I don’t know if I’ll ever be free of that fight. Roman’s death is hellbent on haunting me for the rest of my damn life.
Angel
I’ve been pacing the apartment since Beau stormed out of here with that letter clenched in his hand. It was delivered to the gym just before we left for the night. Beau didn’t get to open it until after we fed Billy and tucked her in.
If I’d known what was in that envelope, I’d never have let him open it. I felt it in his body as I held him. When I started to read over his shoulder, I felt sick. It killed me that I couldn’t tell him that I knew.
The alarm sounds below, alerting me to the return of my husband. I leave the balcony and move to the hallway, jogging down the stairs. Beau is on the couch with his head thrown back against the cushions and his arms crossed over his face.
I sit on the coffee table in front of him. I inhale deeply as I still myself to tell the truth. I want him to know that I knew.
“I asked Javi to get me access to Steve. I knew Javi had the reach and knowledge to get me to him. However, Javi had it handled before I got to put the pressure on that loser. That night I had planned to confront Steve, while you were sleeping, Javi had come to tell me the job was done. He also told me about the drugs in Roman’s system—”
I pause when Beau’s head snaps up and he gives me a death glare. I sigh. I knew he wasn’t going to take this well. I just don’t want this between us. Not after I saw how upset he was earlier.
“Don’t,” he warns. “Don’t add to this shitstorm.”
“I wanted you to know. It wasn’t my place to tell you. I heard it secondhand, and as your present husband, I didn’t feel it right to tell you that type of thing about your ex,” I say and wince.
“You know. I can’t be mad at you for that. You haven’t known me half as long as them. You weren’t there when it happened,” he bites out.
“They meant well,” I reply.
“That’s not even what has me so damn pissed off,” he says. “I killed him, Angel. Those drugs in his system just helped that right along.”
I fall into a blinding rage. This is what those motherfuckers want. Steve is in jail, but he’s still fucking with Beau. I know in my gut this is because of him. I won’t let Beau let that asshole win.
“Oh, no,” I bark. “I see what you’re about to do. That’s just what whoever sent that shit wants. Don’t you dare. Don’t make this a crutch.”
His jaw works, his nostrils flare, and his eyes flame with fury. He needs to save all that shit for the ring. I’m not trying to hear it.
“A crutch.” He snorts.
“Yes, a crutch. Come on, Beau. You were ready. You’ve been in the zone for the last two weeks. Until you opened that fucking envelope you had this,” I say.
He stands. “I’m going to bed. I have a long day ahead of me. Good night,” he says.
I sigh in frustration. I want to tear my hair out. I have no idea what tomorrow will bring. This could be a damn disaster.
“Fuck.”
Chapter 45
Redemption
Angel
This is the night Beau has worked over a year for. Yet this locker room feels like we’re about to walk out to a funeral. I don’t know how I feel. Do I think he can win this thing? Fuck, yeah. He has worked his ass off and could take this fight in his sleep.
However, I don’t think his mind is here. I don’t know if my fighter is going to appear tonight, and that both scares the shit out of me and pisses me off. He put in too much work for this. Both physically and mentally.
“Can everyone give us a minute?” I say to our team.
Everyone begins to shuffle out. I heave a heavy breath. Today has been a long day. I received a text from Javi that Steve and Norwack’s promoter were in fact behind those documents that were delivered. All of that will remain with me until this fight is over.
I know, I know. Another secret, but the last thing Beau needs is that shit in his head. I’ll protect him no matter what.
I take over taping Beau’s hands. He won’t look at me. It’s been this way all day. I finish up and reach under his chin to lift his gaze to mine. Those troubled gray eyes nearly slay me from inside out.
“You told me that Eric told you to figure out your why? I don’t know if you’ve done that yet, but it’s a good time to lock on to that and not the past. I’m here no matter what.
“All of this means nothing if you’re not happy at the end of it. To be truthfully honest, if you say fuck this shit let’s go home right now, I’m with you. We’re out. No questions asked. As long as we do what makes you happy,” I say.
“I’m no quitter,” he says emotionlessly.
I sigh and shake my head. He’s so damn stubborn. I go to lay into him, but I reel it in. I’m not going to stress him out before he gets in the ring.
I reach to massage his shoulders. I don’t know what else to say. This is all on him now.
I kiss his forehead, willing my strength and love into him. If anyone can make a comeback, it’s Beau. I believe in him. It’s time he believes in himself.
“You’ve got this, Beau. I know you do.”
***
I can’t get my head into the ring. It’s all of our worst nightmares. I’ve been mind-fucked thoroughly.
“Come on, Beau. Start punching,” Angel bellows into the ring. “Move your fucking feet.”
I’m down on the score cards. I know I am. I haven’t been throwing nearly as many punches as I should. I’m on the defense, and this guy is taking advantage of that.
I dance out of his way again as he tries to steer me toward the ropes. The one thing I have going for me is my stamina. This guy is getting tired, and I’m not even panting.
He throws another combination, but only lands a weak jab. Still that jab is one more punch landed, one more on the score card.
The bell rings.
“To your corners,” the ref calls.
I turn and walk to my corner, knowing I’m losing this fight. The lump in my throat feels like it’s going to choke me. He’s not even the better fighter. The old me would’ve taken him out rounds ago.
I can feel the tears stinging my eyes, but I fight them back harder than I’m fighting Gordon. I flop down in my seat, and Angel pulls my guard out of my mouth. Frustration lines his face.
“What the fuck, B? Where’s your head? You’re throwing this fight away. All that hard work to get in here and not fight?”
“I’m fighting,” I say, knowing it’s a lie.
“Fuck out of here. If that’s fighting, I’m married to Apollonia,” he says and frowns.
I’d laugh if I weren’t drowning in the cesspool in my head. So many thoughts, so many emotions and I don’t know how to get ahold of them. The hinge has been blown off, and just as I thought I’m not dealing well with reining it all in on the most important night. “What do you want me to do?”
“Ay coño, Beau. I want you to fight. Throw a damn punch for Christ’s sake. Dios.”
“If you don’t start throwing some s
erious punches in the next three rounds, this fight is over,” Andres says as he wipes my face.
“Come on, Beau, you can do this,” Billy says, holding up my water bottle from outside the ring.
I look her in the eyes. There’s pleading there. I’m failing her. I drop my head and stare at the canvas. Angel moves to place his lips to my ear as he massages my shoulders.
“Stop thinking. You’ve overcome all your shit to be here. Now you’re here. Go get him, Papi. Don’t give him your fight,” he says.
I nod just as the bell rings. I stand, not feeling any more certain that I can turn this fight around. I’m more distracted by the pleading look in Billy’s eyes. So much so, the first few haymakers Gordon throws connect and stun me.
“Wake up, Beau,” Angel calls.
I shake it off and move. I throw a couple of halfhearted punches. I need to make it out of this round with more punches on my score card, but I’m just not taking them. Instead I’m drowning in the roar of the crowd. It’s as if I can hear their disappointment as well. I haven’t shown up to give them the fight I promised.
In the moment when defeat grasps me around the throat, Billy’s little voice carries over everything. Above the crowd, over Angel and Andres, above my father-in-law fussing at me in Spanish, and over my own thoughts—I hear her.
“Come on, Daddy!” Billy says. “Come on! You can do this! Make Grandpa proud. Kick his butt!”
Suddenly everything goes silent, the arena stills, and it all falls into place. My thoughts clear and my why is revealed. Billy has never called me her daddy before. The truth of who I am to her slams into me.
I’m doing this for my little girl. I wanted to show her that she’s right. You don’t ever give up on what you love. You don’t run from who you are.
Something shifts inside me. I’m thrown back in time to one day when I trained with my own daddy. He was extra tough on me that day.
“You know why I’m so hard on you, Beau James?” he said.