Shaking my head, I scrunch my eyes at Jared. “Seriously? Mothballs?” I chuckle.
“My grandma smells like mothballs. I don’t mind seeing her, but she’s always telling me to eat more and trying to shove food down my throat. The moment I’m inside her door, it’s always the same. ‘Jared, you’re too skinny. Want a cookie? Want some candy? Want food? Something to drink?’ It’s always the same thing.”
Laughing at Jared I shake my head again. “No, Clara is nothing like that. She’s actually not what I expected a grandmother to be.”
“How so?” Jared asks while stealing a piece of lettuce from my salad and popping it into his mouth.
“Well, she’s got bright pink hair and full sleeve tattoos.”
“Hey,” Tobias says as he sits opposite me and bites into his apple.
“Missy over here was just telling me about your cool-as-shit grandma. Mine smells like mothballs, and yours has tattoos and pink hair. Wanna trade? Mine will try to feed you, but yours sounds way cooler.”
“She rides a motorcycle, too,” Tobias proudly announces.
“Man.” Jared slaps his hand on the table. “Some people get all the luck.”
I smile at Jared, and turn to see Tobias staring at me. He’s smiling too, and winks at me. Heat quickly flushes through me, rising to my cheeks. “Need a ride home?” he asks me.
Shrugging, I discreetly look toward Jared. “Maybe,” I tease him.
“Maybe?” he questions. “That’s not the answer I was hoping to hear.”
“You can give me a ride home,” Jared jokes.
Instantly, I see something shift in Tobias. His hand tightens around the apple as his knuckles whiten in color. His jaw tightens and fury flashes in his eyes. “I’m not gay,” he snaps at Jared.
The mood quickly changes, heaviness cloaking our table.
What just happened?
“I didn’t mean to say you were,” Jared quickly defends himself.
I can’t rip my eyes away from Tobias. His entire frame appears to be on high alert. Leaning over, I place my hand on his resting arm and gently stroke his heated skin. I can see he’s very angry. Below my touch, his arm vibrates, as the muscle running down his neck protrudes.
“Good, because if you ever say shit like that again, I will hurt you.”
“Tobias,” I scold him. “What’s going on?”
Tobias stares at Jared, he looks like he wants to leap over the table and smash Jared. Letting go of his arm, I shy away from him and lean in front of Jared, sheltering him from Tobias’s deadly cold stare.
The moment he sees my concerned look, he eases. He looks down and shakes his head. Dropping his apple on the table, he lifts his hand and innocently runs his hand over his tattoo. Stay strong.
Tobias visibly swallows hard, while he keeps his gaze away from Jared. “Sorry,” he mumbles before pushing up from the table and leaving.
It takes a few seconds from when he leaves for me to try and make sense of what just happened. Turning, I look to Jared. “You okay?” I ask.
Jared nods his head, but I can see he’s clearly shaken. Jared is not a fighter. He’s never been a fighter. He’s too kind and gentle, despite his adoption of a feisty persona, to even try to fight someone. “I’m not sure what I did.”
“His reaction was extreme.” Crinkling my brows, I look in the direction Tobias went, but he’s long gone now.
“Something’s not right about him, Ivy. I think you should stay away from him. You saw how he was okay one second, then flipped out the very next. That’s not normal behavior. I mean, I’m no psychiatrist, but something switched on in him and he was ready to kill me.”
“There’s gotta be a reason.”
“Yeah, because I’m gay. Obviously, he’s a homophobe.”
“Jared, I hate that word. It’s so derogatory.”
“So is bashing a gay person.”
“I don’t think he has a phobia toward gay people, because he hasn’t shown any kind of negative emotion toward you in the past, until now. Maybe he just doesn’t want to be hit on.”
“I didn’t hit on him!” Jared screeches.
“No, you didn’t. You said he could give you a ride home. But then again, he might’ve interpreted it as if you were hitting on him.”
“Seriously, now you’re going to defend him?” Jared hisses. “And here I thought you’d have my back.” He shakes his head and rolls his eyes, disgusted by me.
“That’s not fair, Jared! I’m not defending him. I’m trying to understand what made him react that way. It’s not a normal reaction, so clearly something triggered it. If that’s something you can be made aware of, maybe you can avoid saying or doing it so he doesn’t react the same way.”
Jared turns back, his mouth is open and his eyes are wide. “You have got to be kidding.”
“Give me a break. I’m trying to keep the peace here.”
“And you’re choosing him over me.”
“I’m not choosing either of you. You’re being unfair, Jared. All I’m doing is trying to understand what the hell happened. Why he reacted the way he did.”
“Whatever…” Jared stands angrily and steps away. “See ya,’ Ivy.” He too departs the cafeteria, leaving me sitting by myself.
Dropping my head into my hands, I rub at my temple. I feel a headache starting.
Ivy. Right on cue, my monster calls.
I hate him. Why does he always strike when I’m stressed?
“Um, are you okay, Ivy?” Looking up, Chloe and Katie are sitting opposite me. Nodding, I offer them a small smile. “It was really obvious the three of you had a fight.”
Great.
“Did everyone hear and see?” I ask, looking around the cafeteria.
“No, it wasn’t loud but I caught sight of Tobias leaving and then I saw you and Jared looking really tense. Is everything okay?” Katie asks.
“Yeah, it’s kinda… just… I don’t know.”
“Bad boy Tobias has got a temper,” Chloe adds. “But so does Jared.”
“It’s a misunderstanding, nothing more,” I quickly respond in an attempt to defuse whatever they’re thinking.
“You sure about that? ‘Cause from where we were sitting, it looked more like a love triangle.” Katie makes a circular gesture with her finger toward me, where Tobias and Jared were sitting.
“You do know Jared’s gay?” It’s a rhetorical question. Of course, they know.
“Maybe he was trying to get into Tobias’s pants too. I mean, Tobias is super cute. Pity about that temper of his though,” Chloe says.
“He wasn’t trying to do anything. Honestly…” Ugh, these two are making me angry.
“Tobias is cute,” Katie says. “Like… super cute.”
Disinterested, I pick up my salad and stand. “Sorry ladies, I’ve gotta return a book to the library,” I lie. I’m trying to get out of here before I snap at them and say something I’ll likely regret.
“Later,” Chloe calls before she turns to talk to Katie.
Heading out of the cafeteria, I stop off at my locker. I don’t want to spend the rest of the day here with Tobias and Jared. We’ve got classes together after lunch and the last thing I want is to be caught in the middle of those two fighting. Or worse still, Jared thinking I’m picking Tobias over him. Or vice versa.
Ugh.
This is seriously screwed.
Grabbing my stuff out of my locker, I head out the front door of the school and try to get home before anyone sees me.
Dad will be at work, so I know he won’t say anything to me. I suppose I’ll pretend I’m sick if anyone asks.
I am kind of sick.
Sick of whatever happened.
I high-tail it out of there. I get to the bus stop and wait for the next bus to arrive. Checking the time on my phone, I know it’ll arrive within a few minutes.
A text comes through from Tobias, but I choose to ignore it.
I can’t deal with this right now.
As
I slide my phone into my back pocket, it starts vibrating.
Checking it, I see Tobias is calling me. As he’s calling me, Jared’s call comes through too.
Ugh.
I’m so not ready to talk to either of them at this moment. I want them both to leave me alone.
Ivy.
Sitting on the edge of the curb, I draw my legs up to my chest and lower my head so no one can see my face. This is seriously screwed up. I hate feeling like I’m in the middle of their disagreement.
Suddenly my heart skips a beat. Frustration and anger flow through me. Did I cause this argument? Am I to blame for what happened? Is it because I didn’t say anything? Or did I say something to make it worse?
Ivy.
Stop it! Stop pretending you’re here for me! I hate you.
Ivy.
There’s a slight rumble beneath my feet, and I look up in time to see the bus approaching. Standing from the curb, I step back and wait for the doors to open. This time of day, I notice there are only a few people.
I need to stay away from everyone.
My demon has temporarily gone into hiding, and has stopped calling me.
But he’s woven himself into my soul so intricately, that there’s nowhere I can go to hide from him.
He’ll find me.
Wherever I go, he’ll find me.
The bus ride home is quick, because I spend the entire time concentrating on controlling how I feel so Azael doesn’t show up now.
The moment I get home, I head straight to my bathroom.
The urge is there. It’s strong, but I fight with myself.
Ivy. He’s back and he’s stronger than ever.
Standing in front of the mirror, my eyes can’t leave the girl reflected there.
“No,” I say in a small voice. “Fight it.”
Ivy. You know what you need to do.
My heart rate spikes as my eyes leave the face in the mirror and look at the bottom drawer.
This is what you need.
Tears prickle my eyes. “No,” I whisper in a small voice.
I can help you feel better.
I fight with my demon. My resistance is growing stronger until he speaks my name in a way that crumbles my willpower.
Ivy, let me take your pain.
My gaze leaves the bottom drawer, and slowly reaches the girl who’s standing opposite me. She looks so sad, so broken. Tears run down her face. Her cheeks are pink and her eyes are red. “Stay strong,” I whisper, begging her to hold on.
She looks at me with such sorrow, my heart breaks for her. She’s struggling. She wants to reach for the one thing she thinks she needs.
“Don’t,” I try to change her mind.
“I have to,” she replies. Her voice is laced with anguish and hopelessness. “He’s the only one who understands.”
“No, he’s not. I can help you.”
More tears fall from her. She turns her head so her eyes can’t look at me.
Take the blade and put it against your skin.
The blade is in my hand. How did it get there? Did I take it out of its pouch? My hands shake as the cool metal touches the skin on my hip.
When did I take my jeans off?
God, it feels so good.
Do it, Ivy. Press.
No, fight it. This is wrong.
It feels so good. Just one more time, one more small cut. You can stop after this one.
No. No more. I can’t do this again.
It’s your fault Tobias and Jared fought.
I press the blade into my skin. It feels so good. I hold my breath, but my hands are shaking. I shouldn’t do this. I shouldn’t cut.
Tobias hates you.
I press the blade further into my skin. A small trickle of red escapes the blade and trickles down my leg.
Jared is disappointed in you. You chose Tobias over your best friend.
“No,” I cry. “I didn’t.”
It’s because of you they hate each other.
Hot tears cascade down my cheeks. “No,” I sob.
You’ve let them down.
An ugly wail tears through me. “I’m sorry,” I yell with a heavy heart. “I’m so sorry.”
The blade drags through my skin. Deep, rich, red blood flows out of the neat cut.
Good girl, Ivy. You’ve made me proud.
I stumble back until my calves find the bathtub, where I slide down and collapse to the floor.
He’s gone.
He’s not here. I can’t feel him.
I turn my head to see what I’ve done to myself. The metal razor drops from my hand with a distinct clank as it lands on the tiled floor. “Shit,” I grumble as I look at the cut.
I’m grateful it’s not too deep. But the blood is dripping off my thigh to the floor. It’s not streaming, but it definitely needs attention.
I’m mesmerized by the blood pooling on the floor. It’s a small splash on the ground, but it’s growing with each drip. “So pretty,” I whisper as I watch the splendid wine color thicken with every drop. Running my finger through it, I lift it to my eyes so I can examine the texture. “Pretty,” I repeat.
My body hazes over with an overwhelming feeling of contentment. Calmness floods every part of me.
I’m filled with a happy peace.
Lying on the cold floor, my body hums with exhilaration.
Closing my eyes, I let my body relax.
As I lay here with my eyes closed and my body satisfied, something niggles deep down inside of me.
Something I know I should be paying attention to.
It’s not right. This isn’t right. This isn’t normal.
There’s something very wrong with me. I shouldn’t find happiness when I cut.
I’m not normal.
My eyes spring open, as a cold hand of reality slaps me hard. It closes around my throat and begins to choke the air out of me.
Sobbing I try to sit up.
Ivy.
Shit, he’s back… already.
Chapter 7
I won.
I mean I won that round with Azael. He tried to take me under again, but I fought him and told him to leave. I didn’t want to cut myself again. I’m proud of myself for that one act of defiance.
My stomach roils with uncertainty as I eat breakfast. I hate feeling like this. Like I’m waiting for him to spring out and try to take me under again. I don’t want to go to school today. Nothing good can come of it.
Both Tobias and Jared have been calling and texting me since yesterday. But I don’t want to talk to them. I’ve made a mess out of this, and I’m not ready to hear them tell me how disappointed they are in me.
I should’ve stopped Tobias.
I should’ve stuck up for Jared.
I should’ve… I don’t know, I should’ve done or said something to make things better. But I didn’t. Instead, I sat there and let Tobias react the way he did toward my best friend.
Images flash in my mind. The way he switched from carefree to angry. How his fingers tenderly rubbed over his tattoo. The faraway gleam in his eye, as if he was being transported to another time.
Finishing my breakfast, I try to push those images out of my head. I hated how they fought over something so trivial. But then again, maybe Jared shouldn’t have said what he did.
Ugh.
I don’t know.
The one thing I do know is that school’s going to be uncomfortable today.
Take the blade with you.
“Go away,” I say to no one. Thankfully Dad’s on the early shift today or I’d have to try to have this argument with him silently.
It’ll make you feel better if you know you have it.
“I hate you. Leave me alone.” I take my bowl into the kitchen trying to get away from him.
But I can never escape him.
Shoving him as far down as I possibly can, I try and focus on what’s going to happen today. I have to concentrate on the outcome of the whole Tobias and Jared situation.
>
Ugh.
Grabbing my bag, I leave the house and head toward the bus stop. I fight with my anxiety while I wait. A huge part of me wants to go home and hide. But another part tells me not to be afraid and to tackle this head on.
The bus arrives, and when I find a seat, I stick my headphones in and turn some music on. It drowns out the noise in my head. The song lifts the fog from my exhausted mind.
I hate letting anyone down, or being the cause of an argument.
Logically I know I wasn’t the cause, but I also know I did nothing to help it either.
Should’ve taken the blade, he taunts me.
Closing my eyes tight, I tell him to leave me alone. The blade is not the answer. Not today. Not yet.
The bus jerks to a stop, and I open my eyes to see I’m at school. Nearly everyone climbs off, and I wait ’til I’m the last one left on the bus, straggling behind the crowd. Hopefully I’ll get lost in the masses and Tobias and Jared won’t be looking for me.
No luck.
“Ivy,” they both echo while walking up to me.
I look at them both and scrunch my brows together. Neither appears angry with the other. They are approaching me together.
Lowering my head, I try to move ahead without stopping. But Tobias reaches out and grabs my upper arm. “I tried calling you and texting you,” he says as if I should owe it to him to respond.
“What happened to you?” Jared asks.
They stand shoulder to shoulder, as if they’re best friends. My gaze travels between them, and I feel like screaming.
“Say something,” Tobias says. “Anything.”
Narrowing my eyes at him, I shake my head and open my mouth, ready to tell him off. But I close it again and try to walk away.
“Hey, we don’t do this, Ivy. We’ve never walked away from each other,” Jared positions himself in front of me so I can’t leave.
Stepping back, I make sure there is distance between me and them. “So, you both make me feel like shit and now you’re all buddy-buddy?” Jutting my hip out, I stick my hand on it, angry.
“It was a misunderstanding,” Tobias says as he steps forward. I counter his step by moving backward. I don’t want him close to me. My jeans rub painfully against the Band-Aid on my thigh, and it reminds me exactly what I’ve gone through because of them.
“Misunderstanding?” I question. Jared’s nodding, with his stupid ‘don’t be mad at me’ smile. “You stormed off,” I say looking at Tobias. “And you…” I point at Jared. “You made me feel like the whole thing was my fault.”
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