Tobias chuckles. “It’s okay. And for the record, I have no intentions on finding out what it’s like to pee sitting down. So, don’t worry. This…” he circles his crotch, “won’t be going near that…” he repeats the same gesture toward me.
He smiles at me, and my gaping mouth must be freaking him out. Suddenly, he bursts into laughter. So do I. “I can’t believe you had hand actions to go with what you said.”
“Hand actions?” he chimes, and laughs harder.
“Yes, hand act… Oh shit.” And just like that, I make a fool out of myself, again. “I gotta stop talking.”
“No, no, please don’t. You’re really entertaining when you’re not uptight.”
“What?! I’m not uptight.”
“Yeah, you are. But being uptight is what drew me to you.”
“I’m not uptight,” I mumble. He laughs deeply, and the rough sound of his voice sends my butterflies fluttering crazily. “Anyway, where are we going for dinner?” Looking out the window, I notice we’re heading out of the city and nowhere near any restaurants I’m aware of. “Um, you’re not taking me out to the woods to hack me up, are you?”
“I’m not interested in hacking you up,” he says with a chuckle.
“Then where are we going?”
“You’ll see.”
“Oh, mysterious. As long as you don’t hack me into millions of pieces, cool. I don’t think I’d make good fish food.” I turn to look in the back seat, and notice it doesn’t have any digging implements. “Judging by the lack of shovels, you don’t intend to dig a hole anywhere.”
“I’m not hacking you into pieces, or feeding you to the fish.”
“Ha! You didn’t say anything about digging a hole,” I tease.
“Not digging a hole either.” He pauses then adds, “We’re nearly there.” A few seconds pass, and I watch my surroundings. He turns off the highway onto a dirt road. I know where we are. He’s heading down toward the lake.
“I love it down here. If I knew this was where you were bringing me, I would’ve brought my camera. Dad used to bring me here every year on the last day of summer break.” Smiling, fond memories of Dad and me flood my memory. “But that was years ago. We haven’t been here in ages. I wonder why we stopped?” I say the last part more for me than Tobias.
“I only discovered it shortly after I moved here. I took a wrong turn, and found this place.”
The lake is only a short drive down the dirt road. When we reach it, there’s a clearing where cars can park and a path down to the lake. Tobias parks, and jumps out of the car, running around to open my door. I’ve already flung it open by the time he reaches me. “Hey, I want to be a gentleman. You can’t open your own door.”
“Oh, really? Okay.” I close the door again, a wicked smile pulling at my lips.
He opens the door for me, and steps to the side, holding his hand out to me. I lay mine in his, and notice the stark difference between us. I’m so much paler than he is. I suppose, he doesn’t have to hide any scars on his body. I do.
The happiness I was feeling, is now dampened by apprehension. The blood in my veins runs cold, and my heart flutters nervously. God, I’m such a disappointment.
“Hey,” Tobias says as he squeezes my hand tightly. I look up at him. His features have become heavy. Tilting his head to the side, he narrows his eyes. “Are you okay? If this is too much, we can go somewhere else more public.”
Shit, he thinks it’s because of him that my mood has changed. How can I tell him? I can’t.
I gather all my strength to stop the darkness from clouding this night with Tobias. “Yeah, I’m great. And no, I don’t want to go somewhere else.”
He gives me a genuine smile, his happiness reaching his eyes. “Okay, then stay here.”
Letting go of my hand, he walks around the car to the trunk, bringing out a picnic basket. “A picnic?” I ask, surprised.
“Yeah, I hope that’s not too lame.” He scrunches his nose in disgust.
“No! It’s not lame! It’s actually really nice. Thank you.”
He takes my hand in his, and carries the picnic basket in the other. We make our way down to the lake shore, and he sets the basket down. “Is it okay if we set up here?” he asks me.
“Perfect.” He opens the basket to find there’s a blanket folded neatly inside. Shaking it out, he places it on the ground. “You’re really prepared.”
Looking around, I notice how it’s changed. The grass is shorter, and there’s a lit footpath further down near the still water. It’s been updated since the last time I was here. I can imagine families come here to picnic. Right now, we’re the only people here.
We sit opposite each other, and he starts taking things out of the basket. “I have a confession.”
“What?” I ask.
“Clara and Mom helped me make everything. And by help, I mean I was allowed to stand at the kitchen door while they made and packed the picnic basket.”
Clara is a force. I can only imagine how she’d take over. She’d be cussing at him when he’d try offer an opinion about something. “Why is it, after meeting Clara only once, that doesn’t surprise me?”
“We have…” He opens the lid to a clear plastic container and peers inside. “It looks like we have mini pizzas.” He shows me the small cheese pizzas. “And…” He opens another longer container, “…sandwiches cut into triangles with the crust removed,” his voice dips to hide a chuckle. “Do they think we’re five years old?”
“I think it’s cute,” I add. He groans, and I laugh at how uncomfortable this is making him.
“There’s also pasta salad. And some fresh strawberries. And some water.” He looks further into the picnic basket. “Oh God,” he squeaks in an unnaturally high pitch.
“What?” His face is twisted in pain. His eyebrows are high, and crimson creeps up his cheeks. What have they put in there to embarrass him so badly? “What is it?” I ask again moving to my knees so I can see.
He slams the lid of the picnic basket closed and lifts his gaze to look at me. “I’m so sorry. I swear, it was them and not me.”
“I wanna know what’s got you so embarrassed?” I try to open the lid, but Tobias lays his hand over it, not allowing me to look. “Come on, show me.” I nearly beg.
“It’s a condom.” He closes his eyes and shakes his head. “I told you, I’m so sorry.”
Slowly, he lifts his head to find my eyes. I’m somewhere between shocked and amused. I thought I’d be freaked out, and to a degree I am, but a laugh rips through me. “I bet it was Clara,” I say, still laughing.
“Please don’t think I did it,” Tobias pleads with me.
“I don’t. Not after you told me what Dad said to you back at the house.”
“When they were packing the basket, Clara told me to wrap it, and to make sure it was on properly. I knew what she meant, and then I left the kitchen. I didn’t for one moment think they were going to actually include a condom into the picnic basket.” His tone is so deadpan I know he’s sincerely honest.
The red on his cheeks has now calmed to a dark pink. I’ve never seen a guy stay embarrassed for so long. “Most guys would be all, ‘Unless you want me to use it, babe.’” I mimic a deeper voice. “I can tell by the color of your face you honestly didn’t know it was in there.”
He hides his face behind his hands, and chuckles. “I can’t apologize enough. I’m going to have to talk to them about this.”
“Don’t worry about it. I see it as they care. They don’t want you knocking anyone up, or worse, contracting a disease. If you really think about it, it’s quite responsible of them to include a condom.”
He scrunches his brows together as his eyes widen. “You’ve surprised me. I was expecting you to lose it with me.”
“Why would I lose it? Either way, if you had packed it—which you said you didn’t—it would have been responsible of you to pack a condom, just in case. But you didn’t, which means Clara and your mom have alrea
dy thought ahead for you and want you to be safe. Just because it’s there, it doesn’t mean I’m going to have sex with you.”
“Oh shit, Ivy.” He runs his hand through his hair. “Can we change the conversation please?” Tobias takes a deep breath, begging me with his dark, broody eyes.
“Tell me about your dad. Where is he?” I ask as I take a small sandwich and nibble on it. Tobias stills his hand. It’s obviously a sensitive subject for him. Maybe his dad has another family and wants nothing to do with him. Or maybe, he’s a drug addict living on the streets somewhere. Maybe he’s part of an outlaw motorcycle club and his family is trying to get away from him. But the lack of any response, and the way Tobias has frozen, are enough to tell me he doesn’t want to talk about it. “It’s okay, you don’t have to answer.” But it does intrigue me, and I want to know his story.
I suppose we all have a story to tell.
We all have secrets we don’t want to share.
And we’re all embarrassed about something.
Maybe Tobias’s dad used to be abusive toward them, and they left him. Who knows?
“Yeah, he left when I was young. I don’t know him.”
“Do you know where he is?”
“Yeah, I know.”
“Have you ever tried to reach out to him?”
Tobias stands and starts pacing back and forth in front of me. His shoulders are high, and his face is etched with discomfort. “Um…” Suddenly, he stops and moves to kneel in front of me. “Look, my dad’s not someone I want to talk about. He’s not a good man. He never has been. The things he’s put us through isn’t a topic I want to rehash. It’s not you, Ivy, really it isn’t. But I don’t want to talk about him. Maybe one day I’ll tell you, but not now.”
I’m torn, because as much as I do want to connect with him on a deeper level, I also understand that this is a part of his life he’s not ready to talk about. What has made Tobias so closed off? It’s like he’s built walls high around him, and he only lets small parts of him through for the outside world to glimpse.
Bile rises to the back of my throat, and I get an overwhelming feeling that his father must have been abusive toward Tobias’s mom. Domestic violence is at epidemic levels, and so real it wouldn’t surprise me.
“I get it,” I say. “Sometimes ghosts aren’t friendly.”
“I just wish this ghost would die.”
Man, that’s seriously screwed up, to wish death on a man he has nothing to do with.
“Katie seems to have left you alone,” I say, trying to swing this conversation in a different direction and lighten it up.
“Yeah, right.” He sits on his butt in front of me, and grabs the container with the pasta salad, and bowls that were packed in the basket. “Want some?” he asks as he empties some of the contents in his bowl.
“I’ll stick to the sandwiches and the strawberries.”
“Katie,” he says as he shovels some food in his mouth, “is leaving me alone, but the giggling and the hair twirling around her finger is a dead giveaway she’s trying to flirt with me.”
“You got to know you’re nice to look at. I’m surprised more of the girls at school haven’t shown interest in you.”
“I’m surprised none of the guys have snapped you up,” he counters.
“Not interested.”
“…until now,” he adds.
Cheeky bastard. “Ugh, even then.” I shrug, feigning disinterest in him.
“Tease.” He laughs but keeps eating.
There’s just something about Tobias. It’s raw and tender, with an underlying hint of emotional turmoil. I wonder if this is why we’re drawn to each other? Are we both damaged and looking for someone who will accept each other’s ugliness?
“You could have Katie.”
“Huh?” He places his bowl on the picnic blanket. “Where are you going with this, Ivy? What’s Katie got to do with anything?”
“Katie is pretty, and smart, and has a great body. Why wouldn’t you go for someone like her, instead of me?”
His fingers skate over his tattoo. Stay strong. “Beauty is subjective. I think you’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen. She’s okay, but she has nothing on you.”
Smirking, I tuck some hair behind my ear. “But she’s…”
“Not you. She never will be.”
God, in this moment I want to say something super corny, but I hold it in. There’s something between us; I can feel it. “It’s calming, us being here. I feel different when I’m with you.”
He says nothing.
Does he feel the same? Does he feel what I feel?
“I’ve waited for you for a long time, Ivy. I never really thought I’d ever have this kind of connection with someone. I refused to believe that I could find anyone like me.”
“Like you?”
“Someone who ignites something inside of me. A part I thought was never going to live again. You’re my angel, Ivy. From the first time I saw you, I knew you and I both have a story to tell. Your heart is as loud as a howling wind, but your demons drown it out.” The hairs on my neck stand to attention. He knows. “Just like my demons.”
“One day, maybe we can be more than two people with secrets.”
He moves forward, and embraces me. “We’re already on the way to that happening. We’re both ready to pull down the walls we’ve built around ourselves.” He pulls me on top of him, so I’m sitting on his lap. “This isn’t something quick or easy, Ivy.” Tobias knits his hands into my hair, the palms of his hands cradling my cheeks.
“I don’t know…”
“Slow. Very, very slowly. Neither of us is ready for anything more than this.” Moving closer to me, he leans his forehead on mine. Moving my right hand, I rest it on his chest, feeling the fast beating of his heart beneath my palm.
“I can’t rush into this.”
“I won’t rush us.” Leaning forward, his mouth skims over my lips. My heart beats crazily in my chest, as I move closer to his mouth. “Can I kiss you?” he asks.
I don’t reply. I don’t want to ruin this moment with words. Gently I seal my mouth over his, and in an even softer movement, he accepts my kiss.
This is good.
This is right.
So right.
Our kiss isn’t frenzy-driven or desperate, but there is a fever rising inside of me. I don’t want to stop, but I don’t want to rush anything. He’s the first boy I’ve found interesting enough to want more from him.
Pulling away from our kiss, I rest my forehead on his. His trembling breath tells me he was as into the kiss as I was. “Do we have to go to this party?” I ask, silently praying he says no.
“We can do whatever you want,” he replies and kisses me chastely on the lips. “I’d do anything for you, Ivy.”
“Can we stay here?”
“If that’s what you want to do.”
“It is.”
He smiles at me; his words are lost when he leans in to kiss me again.
This time, I don’t pull away. Something more than a kiss is happening.
Our bodies are yet to unite, but our hearts entwine.
This is so right.
Chapter 10
Standing in the lake, I look down at my submerged feet. My jeans and t-shirt have disappeared, and I’m wearing a flowing white dress. The water around my ankles quickly rises.
Suddenly, the water is lapping around my thighs. “Tobias?” I call, but he’s sitting on the shore, watching me.
Panic fills every pore of my body. I try to move to swim back toward him, but my feet have sunk into the muddy bottom and I’m stuck.
“Tobias,” I yell again.
He stands and moves toward me, but instead of coming into the water to help me, he only waves.
“Help! I’m drowning. Help me.” I frantically wave to him. The water is rising rapidly. Soon, I’ll be totally submerged and unable to call for help.
He says nothing. Instead, he watches as the water rises to my
chin. My body is tired of fighting the rapid current. It whirls all around me, dwarfing my struggles and consuming me with its power.
“Tobias!” I yell for the last time. The water is nipping at my mouth. Tilting my head back, I try to take a last breath. My lungs begin to fill with water and a scorching fire begins to burn inside.
It was easy for the water to take me under.
It’s peaceful.
So quiet.
“Ivy.” Someone grabs me by the shoulders and shakes me. My eyes fly open, and Dad’s sitting on the edge of my bed, rousing me from my sleep.
“What happened?” I ask while coughing and trying to bring up the water I’m sure I’ve swallowed.
“You had another nightmare. Are you okay?” He studies my face, looking into my eyes.
I blink the sleep away, then look around my room. “There was so much water,” I say, still not entirely sure I survived the dream. “I was drowning. I was in the same white dress I was in from the first dream, but this time Tobias was standing at the shore, watching me as I was drowning.” I rub my hand over my neck, double checking I’m actually awake.
“It’s okay, sweetheart. It wasn’t real.”
“This is the second dream I’ve had about drowning. Maybe it means something. The only thing the same was the dress I was wearing. White and flowy. I have no idea why that would stay the same, but the rest is different. Actually, I have no idea why I’d be dreaming of drowning to begin with.”
There’s a familiar glint in Dad’s eyes. It’s the same look he had when I had my first dream. Something about my dream is bothering him, but I’m not sure what. “You okay?” I ask as he stares at me, with a crinkled forehead.
“I’m just seeing how much like your mother you really are.”
I smile, but he doesn’t. This troubles me. Something’s not quite right. “Are you sure you’re okay?” I ask.
He shakes his head and looks down at the blanket, then back to me. Something’s changed in him, he appears less uptight or maybe he’s pretending to be. “I should be asking you that. Are you okay?” I nod and barely manage a smile. “Good night, sweetheart. I’ll see you in the morning.” He kisses my forehead, before leaving my room.
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