“And don’t forget, you’re always welcome.”
“Thanks, Mr. J. You’ve always been good to me.”
“You’ve been good to my daughter. I respect the people who respect her.”
Jared’s ears turn pink as he lowers his head and stares at his shoes. “Thank you,” he whispers.
“Wanna help with dinner?” I ask.
“I’ll go clean the grill,” Dad announces as he heads out the back door.
“You okay?” I ask.
“You know, your dad is really cool. I’ve always liked him, but I really like him now.”
”Dad’s great. He’s always been chill with everything. I’m lucky to have him.”
“He’s lucky to have you too. You could be out partying and doing drugs and shit, and you aren’t.”
“Yeah, I suppose. But I’d rather stay in the shadows than be known as the person who’s always out partying. It’s just not my scene. I’d rather be behind a camera then behind a drink.”
Jared is quiet for a second as he passes me the lettuce . “What time is Tobias coming over?”
“Not sure. He said he’d be here, so I guess whatever time he can.”
“I like him, Ivy. When he jumped on you to protect you, I fell in love with him.” I swing my head to the side to look at him. “I don’t mean like in love, I mean he won me over. He was willing to sacrifice himself for you, and that did something to me. He’s a good apple, you should keep him.” He cheekily winks at me.
“Yeah, I’m in no rush to get rid of him… yet.” I wink back to Jared, and he knows I’m totally joking.
There’s another knock on the door, and I know it’s Tobias. I rush to open it, and the moment I see him, excitement floods me. He has a calming effect on me when he’s near. “Speak of the devil,” I call to Jared then throw myself into Tobias’s arms. I kiss him before he has a chance to say a single word to me. He still hasn’t told me about this secret he’s hiding. I haven’t asked again. At the moment I’m willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, because I need to fix myself first before I can tackle anything he may throw at me.
His arms snake around my lower back, and he brings me closer to his body. I can feel the effect I’m having on him, and I love knowing he’s into me as much as I’m into him. “Miss me?” he asks and places a gentle kiss to my nose.
“You have no idea,” I answer honestly.
“I missed you so much.” He kisses me again. “I’m so happy I’m here.” I step back and my eyes go to the erection in his jeans. “And this is going to be complicated.” He pulls his t-shirt down. “I’m going to sit.”
“Good idea, cause Dad’s here.”
“Not how I want him to see me.”
“Not how I want him to see you, either.”
We head into the kitchen where Jared’s finishing the salad, and Tobias sits on the bar stool, covering his… happiness. “Hey, you made it.” Jared holds his fist out to Tobias and they both fist bump. I roll my eyes, such boys.
“Yeah, how you going, Jared?”
“You know, getting through. I needed this though.” Jared waves the knife around, implying tonight.
“Trust me, I think we all need it.”
“Wanna help us?” Jared asks.
I burst into laughter, and Tobias’s eyes widen. “In a minute,” he gruffly replies.
Jared lifts his head and eyes Tobias, whose smile is wide and brash, then he looks to me. My cheeks are on fire. “Oh. Right. Well, Mr. J is just out back, don’t let him see you in that condition.” He waves the knife around in the direction of Tobias’s pelvic region.
“Jesus. How about we don’t talk about this?” He shifts on the bar stool in an uncomfortable way. I laugh, and he glares at me which of course makes me laugh harder.
When the laughter dies down, I give Jared a kiss on the cheek, then I give Tobias a kiss on the mouth. “Thank you. I needed you both tonight.”
“I’ve got burgers, hot dogs, and chicken,” Dad announces as he comes in from the back yard. “Tobias, you’re here. How are you, son?” I like how Dad calls Tobias “son.” It means he likes him.
“Good, sir. How are you?” He stands to shake hands with Dad.
“I’m doing okay. Glad you two are here.” He points to Tobias, then to Jared. “You all okay with burgers, hot dogs, and chicken?”
“Sounds good,” Jared replies, and Tobias nods his head.
We grab everything from the kitchen counter and head outside. While Dad cooks, we set up the outside table. Once we’re done, we sit and start talking.
“Can’t believe we’re in the new year,” Jared says.
“With everything going on, I didn’t want to celebrate anything. We didn’t even put a tree up,” I say.
“Clara and Mom tried, but these last few months have been stressful.” Tobias stares at the glass in front of him. “I couldn’t celebrate Christmas or New Year. I wasn’t in the right headspace.”
“None of us were,” Jared says.
“I wonder how many from our class are okay?” I ask. “I don’t want to seem cold or unsympathetic, but I actually don’t want to call anyone.”
“It might help,” Jared says.
“Or it might not. I’m barely hanging on by the skin of my teeth. I don’t want to be put into a situation I can’t handle. I’m nowhere near ready for that.”
“You’re stronger than you think, Ivy,” Tobias says, and Jared agrees.
“Strength isn’t the issue here. It’s whether I’m ready to hear everyone else’s story. Or even have them ask me how I’m doing. I can’t do it, not yet. And I’m not sure if I’ll ever be ready for it.”
“How’s it going with the shrink?” Jared asks.
“Really? Shrink? She’s a psychologist. And it’s going better than I thought it would.”
“How so?” Jared asks again.
Tobias is quiet, just listening to us talk.
I turn my head to look at Dad, who’s also listening. He gives me a small nod, encouraging me to tell them. Tobias already knows part of it; he guessed it in the hospital, although I didn’t confirm it then. But Jared doesn’t know. I take a deep breath. “I have something to tell you both.”
“What?” Jared asks suspiciously. Tobias knits his brows together in question.
“Please, keep an open mind.”
“About what?” Jared barks.
“What I’m about to show you.” Slowly, I lift my shirt, and show both of them the many scars on my stomach. Straight lines run in every direction. Some overlap, some run parallel, some are thin and some are thick. Some of the skin on my stomach is rough and raised where scars are thicker, from deeper cuts. Some of the newest scars are still red.
“Shit,” Jared murmurs bringing his hand to his mouth in shock.
Tobias has never seen my scars, but he’s looking at them now with his eyes wide open. He looks away and shakes his head.
I cover myself up, and sit down.
“What’s going on, Ivy?” Jared asks. “Why?” He points to my stomach while shaking his head.
“I’m a cutter.” This time, the words are easier to say. They don’t get stuck in my throat.
“Why have you never told me?” Jared asks. Tobias remains quiet.
“I was ashamed. And I thought you’d think I was crazy.”
“So, you remained quiet and didn’t say anything? You think silence is the way to go?”
“I wasn’t sure how you’d react.”
“Silence is an epidemic,” Jared says, and I expect he’s talking about more than my cutting revelation. “If people don’t talk about their experiences, then that shit spreads. The more we remain quiet about things, the more it’ll happen. Silence is cancer, Ivy. It could’ve killed you.”
Jared’s giving me the hard truth. Fact is, I know. “I should’ve reached out, but I couldn’t.”
“Why do you do it?”
“For a range of reasons, but mostly because someone whispers to me. No one
can hear him, he’s in here.” I tap my forehead.
Tobias abruptly stands and walks away from us.
“You hear voices?” Jared asks.
“One in particular.”
Jared sits back in his chair, completely dumbfounded by my admission. Tobias is a few feet away, with a clenched jaw and shoulders hard with tension. Dad’s watching us all, ready to jump in if I need him. I shake my head at Dad. I need to handle this on my own. He can’t protect me my whole life. I need to face them, and whatever they have to say.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Tobias asks from a few feet away.
“I didn’t know how,” I answer as honestly as I can. “And I couldn’t risk driving you away.”
He shoves his hands in his pockets and makes his way over to where he was sitting. Jared’s still speechless.
The tension is thick. No one is talking, and I don’t want to be the first one to say something. I want to give them time to digest to what I’ve told them. But after what seems an eternity, I speak. “I’ll understand if either of you wants to leave.”
“Right. You drop a bombshell on us, and you want to kick us out? That’s bullshit, and you know it, Ivy. You just need to give us some time to comprehend all this,” Jared says.
Dad looks to Jared and there’s a slight smile on his lips. But he stays quiet. Dad knew I was going to tell them tonight, and we both expected their reactions to be a lot worse than they’ve been.
I thought Jared was going to accuse me of not being invested in our relationship. I thought he was going to say, that our relationship has been based on a lie. I actually expected him to leave.
But I thought Tobias would be worse. Surprisingly, neither are reacting to the degree of what I expected.
“Tobias?” I’ve given him the option to leave. To walk out and never come back.
“From the first moment I saw you, I knew I’d love you.”
“What?” Dad mumbles.
“I can’t walk away from you, not even if I wanted to. And to be perfectly clear, I don’t want to. But this whole thing of keeping secrets, it’s not going to work.” He shakes his head, and drops his voice to say, “Don’t ever keep anything from me again.” It’s not a warning, it’s a plea.
“I won’t,” I say and mean it. He gives me a small nod, with an even smaller smile. It’s not over, I know. He’s still keeping secrets from me. But for now, we’re okay. Relief floods me, but Tobias is only half the battle. I still have to wait for Jared’s reaction. “Jared?” I plead.
“I love you so much. We’ve been best friends for so long, and for you to keep this from me, hurts me right here.” He clutches his fist over his heart. His words are worse than if he yelled at me. Disappointment is something that challenges me.
“I’m sorry,” I say and try to keep my emotions under control. “But please, I didn’t give up on any of you. I gave up on me. I thought you wouldn’t believe me, or I thought you’d think I was crazy. I’m not.” I rub my forehead and breathe in deeply for ten breaths.
“Please, Ivy. We’re here for you. Now and in the future,” Jared says.
I nod my head and smile.
“How about tonight we just relax and move on?” Tobias offers. “This is something that’s here to stay, and we still need to absorb it. If we want to revisit this later, we can. But for now, let’s drop it.”
“I can do that,” Jared says.
“You both need some time to come to grips with what I’ve told you. To let it sink in.”
Nether Tobias nor Jared agree or disagree. No need to. This is something that needs time to heal so we can move forward. I hope I don’t lose either of them in the process of moving forward.
“Dinner,” Dad announces and places a huge tray of burgers, hot dogs, and chicken on the table. We all sit and eat, and even though I can tell there’s still some tension, we seem to be progressing in baby steps. It’s more than I deserve.
Once we’ve eaten, we all help to pack away, and Dad stays inside while we sit out the back and watch as the sky changes colors. The afternoon sun has streaks of pink and purple touching the part of the world where the sun is descending. The night sky is beautiful tonight. The stars begin to appear one by one, twinkling above us.
“How’s Zane doing?” I ask Jared. He shrugs indifferently. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means he decided he couldn’t be with someone who was too caught up in a shooting.”
“What the hell, dude?” Tobias asks. Tobias reaches for my hand, and gently squeezes it.
“Yeah, apparently, I live in the past and I should just be over it.”
“That’s ridiculous. What we went through isn’t something we can just forget about,” I say.
“It’s okay. Obviously, we weren’t meant to be together. He was more invested in himself than us. I’m not crying about it. I’m not even remotely ready for a relationship right now.”
“When the right guy shows up, you’ll know it,” Tobias adds in a supportive tone.
“Well, the new guy in school is way too interested in my best friend.” Jared chuckles.
“Not cool, Jared. Not cool,” Tobias says to Jared. He drops my hand and his leg starts shaking.
“Just kidding.” Jared laughs, but Tobias isn’t responding in a friendly manner. He’s angry. I sit forward and try to calm him by rubbing his back. “Besides, you’re probably not packing,” Jared teases.
Tobias stands and smashes his fist into Jared’s face.
“What the hell?” I yell as I jump up and put myself between Tobias and Jared.
Jared’s holding his nose. Blood is spurting out of it.
Tobias backs away and clutches at his head. “What have I done?” he says in a breathy voice. “What have I done?” he screams at himself.
“What’s going on with you?” I push my finger into his chest. “Jared was just joking with you.”
He stares at me. Something flitters in his eyes. Regret is written all over his face. “What have I done?” he murmurs again.
He takes off for the back steps and runs out the side gate.
“Are you okay?” I ask Jared.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” The bleeding is easing, and Jared looks as shocked as I am by Tobias’s outburst. “I shouldn’t have said anything.”
“No way! You’re not to blame for this. Are you okay for a minute? I’m going to find out what happened with him.”
“Yeah, go.”
I run through the house and out the front door. Tobias doesn’t see me. He doesn’t even hear me call to him. “Fuck!” he yells at himself and smashes his fist into the side window of his car, shattering it in thousands of tiny pieces.
“Tobias!” I call.
He’s caught by surprise. He turns to look at me, his face etched with regret. “I’m sorry, Ivy.” He steps away from me as I step closer. “Sorry,” he says again.
He opens the car door and is reversing out of the driveway before he’s even closed it.
What the hell just happened?
I look up to the stars and throw my arms up in frustration. “What happened?” I ask them.
If only I knew.
Chapter 22
“Hey.” Jared opens the front door and his nose is heavily bruised.
“Oh shit, Jared. Is it broken?” I ask as I head into his house.
“Nah, he just bruised me up. I tried calling him, but he’s ignoring my calls. I just wanna know why he lost it the way he did. I thought we were friends.”
“I have no idea what happened with him. I want to know why he did it too. He took off so fast I didn’t get a chance to ask.”
“Soda?” he asks from the kitchen.
“Yeah, thanks.”
Jared walks out, holding two bottles of Coke and hands one to me. “I don’t get it, Ivy.”
“Trust me, neither do I. But I’m heading over to his house after here. Dad doesn’t want me to go alone. He told me to call him when I’m finished here and he’ll take
me to Tobias’s, but I’m going to catch the bus. I wanted to make sure you were okay first.”
“I’m fine. It looks worse than it feels. It’s really not that bad. The bruising makes it look horrendous. Mom was surprised, especially when I told her it was Tobias who did it.”
“Dad couldn’t believe it either. Truthfully, neither can I. It was like something flipped in him and he lost it, like that.” I snap my fingers. “I don’t know what happened.”
“When you see him, tell him I’m not angry at him. Shit happens, and as friends, we gotta let shit go.”
“You’re not angry? Not at all?”
“He’s got secrets, Ivy, and I obviously pushed him to the point where he thought he had no other way out. I’ve always known he’s not particularly accepting of gay people, but we managed to push past that. I was saying things to tease him, and I went too far. Don’t get me wrong, he shouldn’t have reacted the way he did. But I’m fifty percent to blame for this.” He points to the dark purple and black blotches around his puffy nose.
“You sure it’s not broken? It looks like it is.”
Jared flicks his wrist at me dismissively. “I’ve broken my nose before, and it doesn’t feel broken. Bruised, yes, broken, no. This will all go away in a few weeks. But I think Tobias is probably feeling more guilt than he should. Get him to come see me, or call me so we can sort this shit out.”
“I’ll tell him when I see him after here. But I’ll definitely be telling him how I feel about what he did. It’s not right. Violence isn’t the answer when you’re being pushed.”
“Hey, go easy on him. I’m a hundred percent positive, he didn’t come to dinner so he could punch me. And besides, I’m not frightened of him after this.” He points to his nose again. “He must’ve felt like I backed him into a corner. Just remember, Ivy, he’s a guy who threw himself on you to protect you. He doesn’t have it in him to be an ass; he just lashed out. Give him the benefit of the doubt.”
“You’re right, I suppose.”
“I am right. We can’t turn our backs on our friends. No matter how hard it gets and no matter what happens. Or we’d all end up being incredibly lonely. He’s a good guy, he just got caught up in a moment of insecurity.”
Edge of Darkness Box Set Page 84