“Do you want to head up there now and have a look around?”
“Hell yes! Let’s go.” I hold my camera firmly in my left hand, and grab Tobias with my right hand pulling him along. “Come on. I’ll swap out cameras and we can go.”
“We better get changed into something warmer, too.” As we walk inside, he gazes down and sees the stem of my tattoo sticking out from beneath the arm of my sweater. “I like this.” He pushes my sleeve up a bit and rubs his hand over my tattoo. “I like how you wound it around your scar.”
“I want something on the other side, too. But I don’t know what I want there yet. Getting tattooed is quite addictive.”
“You’re telling me.” Tobias has added to his tattoos, and is slowly working on getting a sleeve.
“Can I ask you a question?” I ask.
“Yep.”
“Why are you working on a sleeve for this arm, but that one only has Stay Strong on it? Aren’t you going to add to it?”
“I’ll never tattoo anything else on this arm, because this is my reminder of what I’ve survived. It’s my strength when I’m weak. I don’t want anything else on this arm, just those two words. Except for you, they’re all I need to keep me grounded. To remember that the past is something we can’t change, but we can do whatever we want in the present if we just stay strong.”
“It’s funny how I used to look at those words and think they were perfect for me.”
“They’re perfect for anyone who’s going through challenges. Staying strong is hard to do, but as long as we live through the night, the next day always brings new possibilities.”
I open my suitcase and take out some warmer clothes. Stripping my sweater off, Tobias’s gaze instantly goes to my stomach. He’s seen me naked plenty of times, but I honestly struggle with the scars. He makes me feel beautiful, but I know my scars are ugly.
Subconsciously I splay my hand on my stomach.
“Don’t do that, Ivy.”
I look away from him. My stupid head is arguing with me. These scars will be with me until I die; I shouldn’t be ashamed of them. They tell a story of a girl who was once drowning in darkness. She didn’t know how to cope, so she cut. I should wear them with pride that I was able to overcome all the negativity. But with Tobias staring at me the way he is, I can’t help letting self-doubt creep into me.
“You have to stop doing that,” Tobias says as he sits on the bed.
“What?” my voice cracks. I know what he means but I’m trying to pretend I’m not attempting to cover myself up. Obviously, I’m not fooling him.
“You do it all the time. You try and cover yourself up around me. When you come into our room to change after a shower, you turn your back to me so I can’t see all of you.”
“No, I don’t,” I say. But, yes, I know I do.
He runs his hand through his hair and stares sympathetically at me. “Ivy, you know you do it.”
“They’re ugly,” I whisper as I look down to my feet, still trying to cover myself.
“They’re you. Without those, who knows if we’d be here today? Please, don’t be ashamed of them. I’m not. I think they’re nearly as beautiful as the woman who wears them.”
He makes me feel beautiful. No, that’s not right. He forces me to look at myself and see beauty, not a girl with a broken past.
Slowly, I drop my hands from my stomach.
His eyes bore into my body. My heart rate increases, as I begin to find my strength.
Tobias stands from the bed, and saunters over to me.
I pull my shoulders back, and lift my chin. Standing proud, I lock eyes with his, and watch as he lifts his hand and gently traces the patterns on my stomach. He drops his gaze, staring at my stomach.
The way he’s touching me so gently coaxes me to enjoy this moment.
His attention is on my stomach, on the crisscross lines and shapes I’ve carved into myself.
“This one here…” He bends his head and trails a line of kisses from one end to the other of a scar. “You cut yourself when you were sad.” I look down at the line he’s talking about, and remember exactly when I made it. He’s right, I was sad. I was unhappy with Azael, and his broken promises. He was promising me to go away and never return if I only cut a little deeper. “And this one here…” he kisses a smaller, less angry-looking scar, “…you made it because you thought no one was listening.”
Tears spring to my eyes. He’s right, I did cut because I thought I was invisible and I’d never be seen. When only the stars seemed to care. Yes, I had Dad and Jared, but I never thought they’d understand. Tears roll down my cheeks as Tobias continues to kiss my stomach.
“And this one…” he draws over the discolored, puffy line with his finger, before kissing it from one end to the other, “…this one you did because he told you to.”
“Please,” I beg as a sob rips through me, causing my chest to tighten. “Stop,” I barely manage to whisper.
Covering my face with my hands, I cry into my palms.
“You’ve come such a long way, Ivy. These scars are a part of you. They’re a roadmap to your soul. Don’t let them become your soul. You’re so much more than these scars, they make you the strong, confident, stunning woman you are today.”
He takes my hands away from my face, and embraces me.
“I’m sorry,” I mutter as more tears fall.
“Don’t be sorry. Be strong. And be proud. You survived, and now you’re thriving.”
He lightly kisses my mouth. His entire body is overshadowing mine. Not in a creepy way, but in a way I know he’ll forever be here for me when I have my weak moments.
He loves me.
“Tobias,” I say as I pull away from the kiss.
“Yeah.” He skims his nose down my jaw line. His tongue slides out as he licks and kisses my throat.
“I love you,” I finally say. I haven’t said it before. I’ve thought it, but never had the courage to say it out loud.
“I know,” he responds as he hugs me against his taunt body and keeps exploring every exposed inch of my body.
Chapter 33
These past five months have been a whirlwind.
Jared moved out of our apartment and in with Josh. I tried to persuade him to stay here, but he and Josh have fallen head over heels in love with each other. Josh is studying to be a nurse too, so it’s only fitting they’ve found each other. And really, they’re quite perfect together. Josh is quiet and reserved, and he calms the excitable Jared down.
They’re mint and chocolate rolled into one. Both are great on their own, but together they’re perfect.
Tobias is studying like crazy because he wants to be the best psychologist he can be. But for the past couple of weeks he’s been even more stressed than normal.
Tobias paces in front of me as I get dressed for today.
“You okay?” I ask.
“I think so.” But I know he means no. He’s far from okay, because of what’s going to happen in a few hours.
“Sit down,” I say and pat the bed. He sits beside me and immediately starts fidgeting. He’s nowhere near okay. “Talk to me.”
Tobias jumps up and starts pacing again. I can only imagine how stressful this is for him.
“I haven’t seen him since I was nine. And, I’m not sure I can see him today.”
“If you don’t go to his parole hearing, you can’t speak up for yourself. You need to do this.”
He comes over to me, and collapses to his knees in front of me. “I’m not sure I’m strong enough,” he says and leans his forehead on my lap.
“You are, Tobias. You have to stand up in front of the parole board, and tell them what it will mean to you if he’s let out.”
“I can’t do it.” He can, but he’s incredibly nervous. The fact he barely slept last night, tossing, and turning ’til morning isn’t helping. And when he did get a moment’s sleep, he was whimpering and mumbling incoherently.
“You can do this. You’re the
strongest man I know, Tobias.” I cradle his jaw in my palms, and kiss his forehead. “I’ll be there, every single step. If you think you need to leave once we get there, we’ll go. But, you of all people know, you need to face him. You need to tell them why he shouldn’t be allowed out and you need to do it with pride.”
“I know,” he says and lowers his head again. He’s hugging me so tightly, it feels like he’s going to squeeze the life out of my legs.
We stay entangled for long minutes. I’m running my fingers through his hair and massaging his scalp as he mentally prepares himself for something that will emotionally tear him apart.
Looking over at my alarm clock, I see the time and know we need to leave if we’re going to get to the parole hearing on time. “Tobias, we have to go.”
“Okay.” He tightens his arms around me, before releasing and standing. “Mom and Clara are going to meet us there.”
“Jared and Dad too.”
Tobias nods his head. “It’s humbling,” he says as he puts his suit jacket on. “Having you, your dad, and Jared there for me. It shows me how important you all are to me, and how important I am to you. I never thought I was going to find that. For a long time, I thought I was destined to be on my own. I never imagined a time when I would have the nerve to tell anyone what happened. But here I am, about to face my abuser and surrounding me will be the most important people in my life. You, your dad, and even Jared, you’ve never judged me. And for me, a man, someone who’s supposed to be strong and stoic, it brings me to my knees. It’s the most grounding and humbling experience of my life.”
“We all support you because we all love you. We’re here for you. We’ll be with you every step of the way. We’re not going anywhere.”
“I know,” he whispers and wipes at a few tears.
He’s the strongest man I know. He’s survived a horrifying childhood, had his trust ripped away by the person who was supposed to be protecting him. And here he is now, trusting us to support him. “I’m honored to be part of this with you, Tobias.” Walking over to him, I give him a hug.
He pulls out of the hug, gives me a small smile and links our fingers together. We leave for the parole hearing.
I’ve never been to a parole hearing, and I’m hoping after today I never have to go to another one. I know I will though, because even if they refuse him parole, he’ll have another hearing next year.
Tobias is beside me, his fingers entwined with mine. I can feel his hand trembling, and his leg is bouncing up and down. There’s a table with five people behind it, facing us, and there are two tables closer, seating lawyers with their backs to us. It’s a lot like you see in the movies. It’s surreal and weird. I feel like there should be a camera in here and any moment, the director is going to shout, “Action.”
A man shuffles into the room in shackles, accompanied by two prison guards. He’s an older man, with a thick, gray mane. He’s tall, with wide shoulders and narrow hips.
Tobias stares forward, but his hand tightens around mine. I hear a small gasp from him.
Turning to look at Tobias, I give him a small nod and try to ease his stress with a smile. He straightens his shoulders and looks straight ahead.
The tension in his hand is crushing, but I can see he’s doing everything he can to hold it together.
The parole board members start talking. They ask Tobias’s dad questions, and I listen to him give them rehearsed speeches and prepared answers.
They look down at their paperwork, then one of them calls Tobias up to give his statement.
As Tobias stands, his father turns to look at him. He gives Tobias a snicker—which Tobias doesn’t see—and I can tell that all his pretty words are nothing more than lies. His gaze catches mine. I sit straighter and glare at him. The tiger in me emerges, and I scowl at him. If he wants a piece of Tobias, he’s going to have to go through me first.
“How’s the penis?” Clara calls out to her son.
You can hear a pin drop. Everyone is silent. Tobias’s father cringes and turns around to face the front. Yeah, that’s right, don’t ever look at Tobias again.
I’m confident that if he’s let out today, Clara will kill him. His own mother will end his life.
“Mr. Baxter, how do you feel about being at this parole hearing?” someone asks. I’m not sure who. I’m too busy plotting his dad’s death in my head.
Tobias’s back is to me. I can’t see his face, which means he can’t see his father, either. I want to go stand beside him to show my support, and give him some comfort. But I can’t. He has to do this for himself, or he’ll forever feel trapped.
Silence blankets the room. Everyone is waiting for Tobias to speak. His words will weigh heavily with the board in determining whether his father is released.
My Dad is sitting on the other side of me. He grips my hand and holds it. “He’ll be okay,” Dad whispers.
Nodding, I know Tobias will be okay. He just needs to open his mouth and speak from the heart. Silently I encourage him. Come on, you can do this.
“My father sexually abused me,” Tobias starts in a low voice. A sprinkling of goosebumps covers my skin. Those words are horrible, and took so much courage to speak. To stand in front of a room filled with strangers and admit something like that must be so hard. “He used my love to manipulate me for his own perverse pleasures. And I didn’t know any better. I was four when he started, and nine when it stopped. The only reason he stopped was because my grandmother, his own mother, Clara, figured out what was happening and called the authorities. There’s no doubt in my mind that he would’ve continued to do what he was doing to me until I got too old for his tastes if my grandmother hadn’t found out about it. He didn’t stop because he was remorseful. He stopped because he was caught.”
Tobias turns to search for me, and I give him a nod, silently telling him how proud I am of him.
“He…” Tobias stops for a second and takes a deep breath. “The words I heard him say to you, about how he’s rehabilitated and sorry for his actions, aren’t words I’ve ever heard from him. He said how truly sorry he is for what he’s done, but at no point has he ever apologized to me. He’s begging you to let him go, and I’m begging you not to. He has no conscience, and no appreciation of what he’s done to me or how much pain I’m still carrying around. If you put him on the street, I can guarantee he’ll reoffend. I know this, because as he was talking to you, he used the same tone he used with me. I used to think he was sincere, and that was how people showed their love. But I recognized the moment he opened his mouth, he was lying and trying to manipulate his way out of this.”
Tobias stops again, looks down at the floor before lifting his head and continuing, “He ruined me. He took something he had no right to take. For many years I blamed myself, because I thought what happened was my fault. If I was shorter, maybe he wouldn’t have liked me. Or, if I was a girl, maybe he wouldn’t have been interested. If I was blonde, maybe he would’ve left me alone. It took me a long time to figure out that it didn’t matter how I looked, what I wore, who I was. I was never to blame. He is a predator. He sexually abused me, his own son, with no remorse or feelings of guilt. What makes you believe he’s rehabilitated when he can’t even say he’s sorry to me? He stripped away my soul, stomped on it, took my heart, and destroyed it. I’ll never forgive him for taking my innocence.”
I look over to his mom and to Clara, who are hugging each other and crying. My own hot tears are falling, and all I want to do is run to him and hug him.
“I’m not afraid of him anymore. But I’m begging you not to let me down the way he did. Don’t let him out. He doesn’t deserve the chance to destroy any more lives. I was a victim for far too long. Now, I’m a survivor, but the next child may not be as lucky.” He takes a drawn-out breath. The room is completely silent. Tobias has commanded everyone’s attention just by speaking from the heart. “Thank you,” he finally says. Turning, he lifts his chin with pride and makes his way over to me.
He grabs my hand, and holds it tightly.
And now we wait.
But we don’t wait for long, before the decision is made.
“Parole… rejected.”
Tobias’s father groans. We all sigh with relief.
His father is led away the same way he came in. Herded like a dangerous animal in shackles. Exactly what he deserves.
Clara sticks her middle finger up at him as he turns to look at us. “Enjoy being someone’s bitch,” she calls to him. “I’ll send you some Vaseline.”
Soon the room is isolated, except for us and a guard.
Tobias hasn’t said another word. He stands, gives his mom and Clara a hug. Then he turns and shakes my Dad’s hand and gives Jared a fist bump.
“Can we go now?” he asks me with tears brimming in his reddened eyes. He’s holding it together, but only barely.
“We can,” I say, hugging him around his waist and snuggling into him.
We all walk out, and head to our cars. The heaviness is still there. It’ll take a while before the fog lifts and he can finally breathe. And there’s no way I’ll let him down by not being by his side.
We get into my car to drive home, and he finally lets all his emotions go. He breaks down, sobbing. “I didn’t think I could see him.”
“But you did.” More of my own tears fall. This day is emotional, and hard on all of us. “How do you feel?” I ask.
He wipes at his cheeks, and takes a few moments to compose himself. He straightens his shoulders and lifts his head. “Truthfully?” he asks.
“Only the truth.”
With the hugest sigh, and the first genuine smile I’ve seen from him in weeks, he says, “I feel lighter.”
Epilogue
Walking in sand with heels is a bitch, so I take them off and sling them over my fingers. I’ll put them on later for the reception.
“You okay?” I ask Jared.
Looking over to him, I can’t help but see how pale he is. “I think I’m going to be sick,” he groans as he holds his stomach.
Edge of Darkness Box Set Page 90