If I Only Knew

by Corinne Michaels

  And that’s what also tells me it’s right.

  We get everyone out the door and we both stand there.

  Alone.

  And then, before another breath passes, we collide.

  My arms are around his neck, he clutches me to him, and our lips are everywhere. We kiss hard, then soft, moving our mouths down each other’s necks, then back up again. I can’t get enough of him.

  We both moan as our hands begin to roam each other’s bodies. Every touch is better than the last.

  Milo pushes my back against the wall, and his hot body and the cool wall sends shivers through me. Neither of us talk. Our mouths are fused together, tongues pushing against each other in a kiss that says so much.

  He pulls me off the wall, guiding me deeper into the house. Both of us clawing at each other. My hands yearn to touch his skin, so I pull his dress shirt off, tossing it to the ground. Milo follows suit and rips my shirt off over my head as we keep moving.

  “God, you feel so good,” he says.

  “I missed you,” I breathe and then our lips collide again. No more talking.

  I reach for his pants, undoing the button. He steps out of them, continuing to reach whatever bed or surface we find quickest. I want his clothes off. I want him touching me.

  It’s been too long that I’ve been without him.

  I need him so much.

  He pulls my shorts down as my backside hits the couch.

  “I have to have you,” he says before kissing me again.

  “Need you, too.”

  His hands are everywhere. Rubbing and squeezing my breasts, my hands grip his cock, and then he moves his hand to my clit. There’s no finesse to our touch. Neither of us can get enough, and yet we still need more. Milo lifts me into his arms, my legs wrap around him and he walks to the center of the living room.

  Both of us are now completely bare to each other. He lies me on the rug and sits up on his knees. “I thought about you like this every day that I was gone.”

  I smile. “I’m glad you missed me.”

  “Very much.”

  “Show me,” I request.

  Milo’s grin turns mischievous. “It would be my pleasure.”

  He hovers over me, hands beside my head, his lips barely touching mine. “Milo,” I whimper.

  “I have other places I want my mouth first.”

  And he does. He slides his tongue down my neck, moving slowly across each breast, then he travels to my pussy, licking, and flicking my clit.

  “Yes,” I moan as my fingers tangle in his hair.

  I build so quickly, it doesn’t seem possible. I don’t know if it’s the adrenaline, or the fact that for three weeks I’ve dreamed of this reunion, but I’m on fire. Each cell is alive with desire, firing off different sensations. Hot and cold, pleasure and pain, but it all feels so good.

  He feels good.

  I start to shake as my orgasm hovers on the precipice. “I’m so close,” I yell out.

  My back arches as the sensations become too much. I feel as though my body is about to shatter from the immense pleasure he’s drawing from me.

  Then, he inserts a few fingers, and twists. That’s all it takes. I’m completely gone.

  I writhe on the floor, calling out his name, and then he crawls back above me.

  “Stunning.”

  I smile. “I love you.”

  The words came out so easily, and I stop breathing for a second. I knew I loved him, and I do, but I didn’t know I was going to say it right then.

  We’ve talked about how we’re falling in love, but neither have fully . . . said it.

  Until now.

  Milo doesn’t say anything, and now I feel like a total ass. He looks at me—stunned.

  “You don’t have to say it back,” I say quickly. “It’s really okay. I just . . . I don’t know, it felt like the right thing to say.”

  Shit.

  He’s like a deer in the headlights. Way to go Danielle.

  His finger covers my lips to silence me. “I love you, Danielle.”

  Now it’s my turn to be shocked. “You do?”

  He smiles. “Very much so.”

  “Oh.” I release a soft sigh. “I didn’t mean for that to . . . come out like that.”

  Milo’s hand cups my face. “We don’t do many things like we plan, do we?”

  “No, I guess we don’t.”

  Milo brings his lips to mine and then I see fear flash in his eyes. “I don’t want to lose you.”

  I brush my fingers across his jaw. “You won’t.”

  “God, I fucking hope not.”

  Milo leans forward slightly, and I open my legs to allow him in. We don’t say another word. We let our bodies do the talking.

  But when we’re done, I can’t help but feel a sense of dread in my stomach, warning me something is off. I just don’t know what.

  Chapter Thirty

  Danielle

  “That wasn’t horrible,” Ava tells us as she pops a fry into her mouth. “It wasn’t fun, but I feel like Dad would be happy.”

  Milo nods. “I thought it was bloody brilliant. You and your mother were strong in all the right ways.”

  Both Ava and I decided we didn’t want to talk before the judge. There was too much that we would want to say and not be able to, or we’d say things that later we might regret. Sometimes, silence is louder than a scream.

  Adam McClellan took enough from me. I wasn’t going to give him my words. He was condemned by a jury of his peers, and the judge provided the justice we needed.

  “I think your dad would be proud as well.”

  “Do you think he feels bad?” she asks. “Like, he’ll sit in his cell and wonder how he could be such a horrible human?”

  “No. I don’t think people like that feel remorse and empathy. You noticed even until the end, he didn’t think he did anything wrong. When you’re guilty, you have to stand up and own your mistakes. It’s how we should conduct ourselves in life,” I tell her. “Be sorry when you do wrong. Change starts with you, my darling daughter. You’ve made errors but look how you’ve responded.”

  Ava looks at her plate, and I lift her chin to look back at me. “I was so angry after Dad died.”

  “I know.”

  Milo clears his throat. “My father was killed and anger was the only emotion I knew.”

  Her lips part as she sucks in a gulp. “How old were you?”

  “Your age,” he tells her.

  “I’m so sorry.” Ava’s lip trembles.

  His phone rings, he looks at the screen, and silences it. “Sorry.” Milo takes my hand, pulling it to his lap and returns his attention to Ava. “It’s not a club I wish you joined, but I want you to know that no matter what, I’ll always be a shoulder you can cry on.”

  Ava tilts her head with a smile. “You know, I wasn’t sure about you, but you’re a cool dude.”

  “So, we’re done with you trying to make inappropriate comments?” Milo jokes.

  “Probably not. I’m turning over a new leaf, but the tree is the same.”

  “Yeah, nice try,” I laugh. “You’re done. You’ve had your fun, now it’s time to stop or I’ll ground you again.”

  She huffs. “You’re so lame, Mom. What’s the fun in having a hot boyfriend if I can’t make you uncomfortable?”

  “Shut up and eat.”

  We spend the rest of our lunch laughing and telling stories about our lives before all of this. Ava asks a ton of questions about life in London. I swear she thinks it’s still 1810 and they’re in an Austen novel.

  “We have cars!” Milo chuckles.

  “And they run on gas or do you crank them?”

  He rolls his eyes. “I assure you we are far more civilized than you’re giving us credit for. I’m pretty sure we had most modern technology before you.”

  I sit as though I’m watching a volleyball match. They just toss them back and forth and I’m pretty sure one is going to spike the ball soon.

&nb
sp; “And do you use candles or is there electricity?”

  Milo looks at me and narrows his eyes. “Are you fucking with me?”

  Point one for Ava.

  She shrugs. “Maybe or maybe not.”

  “We live very much like you do in America. We have cars, electricity, fancy stores, and history. Do you really think the Queen doesn’t have electricity?”

  Ava bursts out laughing. “Oh, you should see your face!” She does her best British accent. “Do you bloody believe this girl? Her knickers are in a twist because of electricity.”

  “If we ever get married, does she come with the deal?” Milo asks.

  I nearly choke on my water. “Depends how much I like her at the time.”

  “She is rather annoying.”

  “This is true.” I purse my lips and tap my fingers on the table.

  “Mom!”

  “Ava.”

  She leans back with her arms crossed. “You’re so mean.”

  “Maybe, but you’re a turd on a good day.”

  Milo’s phone pings and he pushes it back in his pocket. The look on his face gives me concern.

  “Everything all right?”

  He shakes his head and gives me a fake smile. “My brother.”

  “Is it about your mother?”

  He spoke with her nurse this morning and said everything was fine. She’s very ill, though. I can imagine information could change rather quickly.

  “No, it’s about another matter.”

  “Okay?” I say as more of a question.

  “Oh,” Ava says with her chin on her hands. “Is this like a big secret?”

  That feeling in my gut is stronger. Something is going on. He’s been acting strange since he got back from London.

  Milo chuckles. “There’s no secret. Why don’t we head back and watch a film?”

  I don’t say anything because I’m not going to put him on the spot here and now. However, Milo and I are going to talk, that much I know. But what happens if I find out that what he’s hiding is something worse that I could have imagined?

  We’re cuddled on the couch, my head on his shoulder, his arms wrapped around me as the kids are passed out in their rooms.

  Parker and Milo played video games—I found out Milo is a really sore loser—while Ava went out with her friends.

  It was a nice quiet evening, and a sense of peace was everywhere.

  There’s something to be said about closure. I always thought it was such bullshit until I actually found it. Knowing Peter’s killer will spend the rest of his life behind bars, has allowed me a chance to accept his loss.

  Then, I look at Milo and I can’t help but wonder if my husband isn’t up there smiling down.

  While he and Peter are polar opposites, Milo is exactly the man I need.

  “I hate that you’re leaving tomorrow,” I tell him.

  “I’m not happy about it either. I’m not happy about anything right this moment.”

  I lift my head back. “You’re not happy with me?”

  He shakes his head. “No, darling, you’re the only thing I’m happy about.”

  Well, that was sweet.

  “It’s hard because I know you need to be there for your mother, but selfishly, I want you here with me.”

  Milo releases a heavy sigh. “We need to talk.”

  I sit up, instantly, feeling uneasy. “What’s going on?”

  “Do you know that my cousin Edward ran the London office of Dovetail?”

  I nod. I’ve spoken with Edward a few times since working for the company. He’s an idiot, but I couldn’t exactly tell Callum that. There was always some issue that was simple to fix that Edward screwed up even worse than before.

  “Right, so he did a rather shit job. I’m sure you’ve had to deal with him a time or two.”

  Then the phrasing he just said dawns on me. “Yes. But you said . . . ran? As in past tense?”

  “Yes.”

  “Okay. Who is running it now?”

  I already know the answer. I can see it in his eyes.

  “Me.”

  My stomach drops and all the feelings I had about security and my life going in the direction I wanted dissipates. Milo wouldn’t look like he’s ready to lose his mind if this was some temporary thing. He wouldn’t be dodging Callum’s calls or texts. He would’ve told me, but he didn’t.

  “How long have you known?”

  Milo closes his eyes and when they’re open again, I see his guilt. “A week. I couldn’t tell you, Danielle. I was dealing with my mother and you had the sentencing. I’m not even sure if I’m going to accept the position.”

  “What do you mean?”

  He gets to his feet and starts to pace. “I don’t want to live in fucking London. I don’t want to go back there like this. I want to stay here, there’s no other way I can be happy. The mere idea of walking away from you makes me ill.”

  “I don’t understand. Callum offered you the company and you don’t want to take it? Because of me?”

  He stops, his eyes boring into mine. “That’s exactly what I’m saying. I’m going to turn him down.”

  As much as there’s a conviction in what he’s saying, I can see the struggle in his eyes.

  This is what he always wanted. He came back to Dovetail to fight for his job. Instead, he’s been offered a chance to run the London office. I don’t see how he can walk away. Whether he needs money or not, he’s not happy being my assistant. Milo is far too intelligent to do that, and I don’t know what job he’d take in the Tampa office. It’s too small still, and . . . Edward should’ve never had that job.

  I can’t ask him to stay.

  I know this in the depths of my soul. It would be selfish of me, and that’s not how love works. We give up things—our own happiness—to provide another person happiness. Milo is willing to walk away from an opportunity of a lifetime for me, now I’m going to fall on the sword instead. Because I love him.

  “Milo,” I wait for his eyes to meet mine. “You have to take it. This is what you were fighting for. The place in the company that you deserved. Besides, you need to be there for your mom. She needs you and . . . you can’t stay for me. Not like this.”

  “I am!” He yells. “I’ll go back, get Mum back on her feet and then we’ll be fine.”

  “Get her on her feet? She has cancer, and she needs you.”

  “I need you, what about that?” Milo asks.

  My chest aches so bad I could crumple to the ground. I don’t want to hurt him. I don’t want to hurt anymore either. Why couldn’t we be happy this once?

  “It’s just not our time.” I force the words out and each one is like a knife slicing me open.

  It was our time. It just got ripped away.

  “I’m not giving up,” he says with defiance. “We’ll fly back and forth. We’ll video chat every day.”

  He’s being crazy and I have to stop this. “You and I both know that’s not true.”

  Tears begin to form and I try with all my might to stop them before they spill over. I’ve loved two men in my life, and now I’ll have lost them both. Only this one I have to let go of willingly.

  “I love you! I love you and I don’t want to lose you.” Milo crouches, taking my hands in his. “I can’t do it.”

  A part of my heart breaks inside of me. Because, I can’t ask him to stay. As much as I want those to be the words that come out of my mouth, I won’t let them. “You have to do this. We both know that.”

  “Fuck. I knew you were going to do this.” He gets back to his feet. “Once I told you, no matter what, you were going to push me to go back.”

  “Of course I am, because it’s the right thing, Milo. You’re not meant to be my stupid assistant. You are meant to run that office. London is your home and your mom is sick. I don’t like the reality of it, but it’s what it is.” The tears I tried to fight fall.

  It hurts so much.

  “Don’t cry,” he begs. “Please.”

&nbs
p; “I’m not.” I try to hide my face and get a damn grip, but it’s not working.

  “Danielle,” his voice is soft. “Look at me, sweetheart.”

  My head lifts slowly and I see the pain mirrored in his eyes. “I didn’t want to love you,” I tell him, “I didn’t want to ever love another man because losing him would be too hard. But now I’m here, in love with you and I have to watch you walk away.”

  “We’ll make this work,” he vows.

  I shake my head, because the reality is, it won’t. Sure, we could try and maybe get a few months where we find ways, but I have kids. I can’t hop on a plane and head off to visit him whenever I want. He’s going to be running an empire and there’s no way he’ll be coming back here. Then, the phone calls will stop. We’ll be too busy and time will get away from us both.

  I was stupid and let myself get caught up in this whirlwind because everything felt so right.

  “We have to be honest.” My lip trembles as pain so deep slices through my heart. “You need to go. Your mother needs you and so does your brother. There aren’t options here, Milo.”

  His head falls to my lap, and my fingers glide through his brown hair. I hate this more than anything. I’m doing everything I can not to break apart. This wasn’t what he wanted, and making this harder on him, won’t help.

  When his emerald eyes meet mine, there are unshed tears. “This isn’t how I wanted things to go.”

  “I know.”

  “I had a plan for us.”

  “Sometimes the plan we have isn’t the one we’re meant to follow,” I tell him softly.

  He cups my face, pulling his lips to mine. “Why did I have to find you only to lose you?”

  I don’t know why, but I’m dying inside.

  Maybe Milo came into my life to get me to see that I could go on and love again. He gave me something I wasn’t aware I was missing. More than that, he’s made me happier than I can remember being in years.

  I dared to hope only to be defeated again. But at least I know that hope is possible.