He watches me for a second, then looks at my chest. I follow his gaze. There are teeth marks everywhere. His thumb grazes over them softly, his brows angled deep.
"What's wrong?"
"You fell apart in my arms," he says quietly, studying me.
Heat fills my cheeks. I did fall apart in his arms, and it was the most intense thing I can say I ever felt in my life. The kind of sex we just had isn't normal. And it's the kind of sex I've been craving and just didn't know it. It's dangerous and freeing and easily addicting. We were burning in the flames together, responding to the other's bodies as we came alive. All outside noise was forgotten in that moment. We felt every touch, every kiss, every stroke, every thrust. It sealed our relationship, whether we wanted to acknowledge it or not.
"I did. I've never had that happen before. It's like you cherish a woman's body. It was…overwhelming to say the least."
He looks at me. "I do. I love all women and everything about them. If I had it my way, I would end my day just like this every day."
I would too.
"You made me feel wanted…desired."
James frowns. "You typically don't?"
I shrug, my chest feeling a little empty now that I'm admitting how I feel. "I'm a prostitute. Where's the desire in that? Yeah, I know I have a pretty face and I keep my body in shape, but the way you touched me, you made me feel like you actually do desire more than just a place to stick your dick. Sex is meaningless for me, it always has been. And I'm okay with that, but tonight, it was different, and it made me feel different." I pause, feeling embarrassed. "I probably don't make any sense. Feel free to tell me to shut up."
His frown deepens. "Sex should never be meaningless."
"It always has been for me."
He muses over my response. "Sex is how you connect with another person. It's where you see their vulnerabilities and insecurities, where you want to make them forget everything but remind them you're there for them. When you're both into each other and understand each other's minds, it's a deeper connection. It's how the intimacy grows."
James pulls out but leans down so he's lying on top of me. I smile up at him, my cheeks aching from my grin. He's a big man, but his weight is like a security blanket on me, smothering my anxiety.
I wrap my arms around his shoulders and wish I knew what it is about this man that settles that edgy feeling inside my gut and quiets the thoughts and fears in my head. He's the best anti-anxiety medication there is.
"It's like you just knew what I needed," I say.
"Are you trying to say you had a meaningful dick ride?"
We both grin, trying not to laugh. "It made a difference to me. Is that stupid?"
"No, it's not. How you feel should never be stupid, Aubrey. What I did with you tonight"—he looks away and pauses for a moment—"it’s something my wife doesn't let me do. She doesn't let me spank her, or tie her up. I definitely can't bite her and fuck her as rough as I did you. That only touches on the things I want, and need, but I never get. I have needs too. I have to be able to release the weight of my day, and when I can't, all it does is build up inside me. The pressure makes me tense, like a ticking time bomb. So I seek out women who will allow me to control them for a little bit, ones who won't call me a freak the way Katherine does."
My brows shoot up. "She called you a freak?"
He nods and my heart breaks a little. Now it's my turn to frown.
It's never crossed my mind to call someone a name for their personal preferences, and it bothers me that the one person who should always have his side is the one who ostracizes him. What people do behind closed doors is none of my business and I would never make them feel like shit for it. What I find gratification in, someone else might not, and I'm okay with that. It's what makes us all so interesting.
"The way you were tonight, I honestly can't imagine you any other way. You're definitely not the type to just lie there and take it, but I don't think you're a freak for that either."
"I can do that though, if that's what you need," he responds quickly.
Why did those words penetrate my soul? I know why. My gaze drops to his lips and my heart softens for him. I gave him what he needs, so he'd do anything I want in return for that.
"It's called compromise, but a lot of people don't have that word in their vocabulary. It's all I do with her—compromise—and it fucks me in the ass."
"You watched me fuck your friend. I definitely don't think you're a freak, James." I chuckle softly. "I thought it was kind of hot actually."
His eyes darken, desire swirling in the depths. His jaw flexes. "Do you have any idea how much control that night required? Practicing control only heightens the pleasure, but that night almost broke me."
He licks his lips and I have the urge to kiss him now. I want to, but I don't know if I should. I don't really know what this arrangement between us means actually. Do I wait for him to tell me what to do? Or do I just take the initiative?
"What are you thinking about?"
I swallow, and tell him the truth.
"I want to kiss you but I don’t really know if I should or not. I don't know what our deal means, what it entails, what I should or shouldn’t do. I feel a little lost right now."
"Aubrey?"
"Hmm?"
"I know this makes me a heartless piece of shit, but my wife and I have an agreement. It’s one of the only times we've really agreed on anything. To make the marriage work, she told me to fulfill my needs somewhere else. Keep it discreet and never bring it home. To be honest, it killed me when she said that, because to me it shows she really doesn't care that I've done everything I can to make her happy. So, I fuck random women. But with you, and our deal, I don't want you to ever hold back. So fucking kiss me like you really want to and do it whenever you want."
I blink, taken aback by this news. "Wait. She's okay with you being with other women?"
He scoffs. "No, she fucking hates it."
"Is she with other men?"
"I don't ask, but I don't think so."
"Then why are you married?" He doesn't answer, so I continue. "I love sex, and I get the feeling you do too, but how does that work when you don't mesh with your spouse? I would definitely go all Lorena Bobbitt on you if I were her, but then again, I don't think I could marry someone with such stark likes in things I have no interest in. It's hard to connect when two people don't like the same things, you know?"
He huffs. "Yeah, I do know, and I hate it. So when you want something, you tell me. When you want to touch me or kiss me, or fuck me, do it."
"You do have a nice ass for a man your age."
He raises his brows and grins. My cell phone chimes and James moves off me so I can reach for it. He sits up, and I stare at him while he picks up his pants. I grab my cell phone and see Natalie's name flash across the screen. I sit up against my headboard and cover my chest with the sheet.
My heart drops and James takes in my face. I feel sick to my stomach as I text her back.
Quietly I say, "Natalie texted me. She's on her way back."
James slips his shirt on, his movements carefree like he isn’t worried, meanwhile I'm a little terrified we’re going to get caught. I study the lines around his eyes and see he's deep in thought. He fastens a few buttons then leans over and drops a kiss to my forehead. His tattooed chest is exposed and he's looking damn good just like this.
"Don't worry. She won't see me leave, and she'll never find out."
I never say never.
Before he can pull back, I grab his collar and kiss him like I wanted to before. I rise to my knees and clutch his shirt tightly in my fists and press my lips to his. His arms automatically wind around my back, and one of his hands grips my ass. The way he grabs me makes my heart pound. I don't know what I'm doing or why, and I know I should run and tear up the check, but there's something about James that I'm not ready to let go of yet. He creates this fluttering in my chest every single fucking time we’re together. I do
n't want to lose it.
Breaking the kiss, I ask, "Why me? Why push for me when you can have any girl at Sanctuary?"
He brushes my hair off my shoulder and tips my chin up. As he looks into my eyes, I have to wonder if he's certifiably insane to attempt this thing between us.
"You have a backbone. You're sassy. You're smart. You're fucking gorgeous. You're resilient, and you'll do any kind of work to make a life for yourself. You're not ashamed and you don't seem to give two fucks what someone thinks of you. Plus, I like the way your mind works." The way his voice washes over me like silk makes me hang on to every word he says. "I gravitated toward you in spite of all that. Katherine is the opposite. I don't fuck with my coworkers, and the other girls I've been with ‘yes’ me to death. Fucking boring."
Licking my lips, my gaze drops to his mouth, but he doesn't let me look away.
"Nope. Look at me."
I do. James kisses me one last time and it settles something in my mind and eases the apprehension ruffling through me.
"I have a dinner coming up that I want you to come with me to. It's a cocktail thing for two merging companies."
"A work event?"
He nods. "If I have to suffer through it, I want you there with me."
My brows furrow. "People will know I'm not your wife, though. Aren't you worried?"
"Not in the least. Half of them aren't faithful, and my wife doesn't attend the events anyway."
I feel only little relieved. I’m not sure why, when in the past I had no issue taking jobs like this from Christine. This shouldn’t be any different, but it feels that way.
"When I call you, I expect you to be there. No excuses."
I swallow. The nervousness clenching around my shoulders creates unwanted tension.
"Get rid of the boyfriend who probably only does thirty seconds of damage to your pussy. He's not negotiable. Is that clear?"
"Fine. No boyfriend."
"You should also tell Christine you're taking a break. I want you to be exclusively mine."
Irritation simmers in my veins. My eyes lower. I'm not quitting my job for an entire year.
"James, one thing you need to understand is that I don't like being controlled or told what to do. I'm an adult and I make my own choices. The only time you get to tell me what to do is when your cock is inside me making me forget my name. Deal?"
His eyes darken and I can feel the rumble in his chest vibrate against mine. "We'll see about that."
Forty-One
"Is it summer yet?" Natalie asks dramatically. "This snow is starting to make me feel suicidal."
Every year I swear the winter gets longer and colder. Still, I'd take it over the heat any day.
I glance out our small apartment window at the gray skies. It's been snowing for three hours straight and I find it so peaceful to just sit and stare at it, which is what I've been doing. It clears my mind.
"I love it."
She throws a pillow at me. "Let's plan a trip to the Bahamas."
"When? We have school right now."
"We can go for the weekend. We'll leave after classes Friday and come back late Sunday. Just us. We can drink fruity drinks from a coconut and sit on the beach and do nothing. The conch there is fresh and the best. I love it, especially when it's fried."
"We know you love conch." I joke.
As much as I love the idea, it's not something I can do right now. Not after the deal I made with James last weekend. I haven't seen him or spoken to him since that night, and I'm not sure how to feel about that. While I'm kind of glad I haven't, he's been on my mind and I can't help but wonder what he's doing right now or where he is.
I glance toward Natalie as she scrolls through her phone. Her legs are hanging over the arm rest of the couch, her UGG boots dangling while she lies on her back. Being in the same room with her these days has been difficult. I find it hard to look at her, hard to talk to her, hard to just sit next to her without feeling insanely guilty. The pressure in my chest steadily grows, like a giant divide that's trying to put distance between us. I can feel myself trying to pull away. I've contemplated countless times this week to tell James this isn't going to work, but I know deep down that I won't. I have him—really have him this time—and I'm not ready to let go.
I sigh inwardly, exhausted with my thoughts. The snow is getting heavier and falling faster, holding me in a daze. Going to my classes has been the only time that's allowed me a moment of reprieve from my shame. I've immersed myself in homework. School has been more like a lifeline lately until we got the notice that classes were cancelled due to the impending snowstorm. Now I feel trapped and paranoid again, the guilt is eating away at me.
Natalie came home about an hour after James had left. She’d tried to rouse me to talk to me, but I pretended I was sleeping. I couldn’t look at her after what I’d done, not when I still felt her father's cum seeping out of me. For days now I've acted like I'm insanely busy with work and school, but at the same time, I'm getting paranoid thinking I've made it obvious I'm avoiding her.
I'm not sure the mind fuck is worth the money.
Oh, who am I kidding? My dignity, and my sanity, is obviously worth five million dollars.
"What do you say? Wanna hop on a plane and hit the surf? We can fly first class and get drunk on mimosas, then plant our asses in the pink sand and soak up the sun."
"I don't know… I have a bunch of jobs coming up I already agreed to. Maybe we can plan something for the summer when we have more time."
She groans. "I'm going to join Bumble just to find me a new bestie because you're fucking lame."
I smile, knowing she's just being dramatic. Her cell phone rings and I hear her greet her mom when she answers it. My face falls, my stomach tightening when I hear her voice on the other end.
Standing up, I walk into my room. I have a lunch date with Daniel that I need to get ready for, but first I'm stopping by Grammy's house to make sure she's stocked with necessities for the blizzard. I told her I would stay with her until the storm rides through, but she told me to stop babying her and that she has her cats.
Changing out of my clothes, I can hear Natalie talking to her mom. I don't want to eavesdrop, so I close the door, but her voice carries. I can hear the urgency in her tone.
"No, Mom, I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation for why Dad’s acting like a dick. He must be on his period because a few days ago you were going on and on about how wonderful he’s been.” She pauses, probably to listen to her mom vent. “I don’t know why you’re surprised. This sort of thing happens often with you guys, but just like those other times, it’ll smooth out like it always does in a day or so.” She sighs. “Yeah, I know, but you guys haven’t come this far for nothing. What happened with counseling? Are you guys still going?” She pauses again. “Oh, good. Maybe you guys just need a vacation…”
I don’t want to listen to any more, so I put on a playlist and get changed. Once I’m done and bundled up, ready to brave the snow, I step into the living room.
"Where are you going?" she asks.
"We're supposed to get eighteen inches of snow tonight. I have to make sure Grammy is taken care of, then I'm going to Daniel’s. He's been bugging me to come by all week."
"I'll take eighteen inches and some snow right now." Her eyes twinkle, and I shake my head and laugh.
"Everything okay?" I ask.
Natalie chews her lip as she looks back at her blank phone screen and stares at it. "Yeah, you know, all parents argue. They're always up and down, but that's also because they're polar opposites."
"They say opposites attract," I offer, and she nods, though the sad smile doesn't fill her face. I’m not sure why I even said that. I guess to ease Natalie's worry, but maybe more so to feel a little better about myself.
* * *
"Grammy, I don't like the way you're looking. You're really pale," I say, studying her face. "You're basically translucent."
"Sweetie, I don't leave the house
when it gets cold out," she responds, trying to make me believe her, but something is up, I can feel it in my gut. Unless it's the guilt still eating away at me, which it could definitely be. "Of course I'm going to look like a ghost."
"All right, well, eat that lunch while I unpack the car."
After taking the train and bus to her house, I borrowed Grammy's car to go stock up on the snowstorm essentials I knew she wouldn't have. She always assumes the storms won't be bad, but I don't like for her to risk it, especially at her age. Luckily I went when I did. It was slim pickings, but I got precut wood for her fireplace in case the electricity goes out, water, a loaf of bread, and a few cabinet staples. I even set up a company to come shovel the driveway and around her car.
"How is school going?" she asks once I put everything away.
"It's going. Only a couple of months left until I'm free like a bird and can take on the world."
She's petting her cat lovingly, her voice soft as she speaks. "I'm counting down the days I get to see you get that diploma you worked so hard for." Her chin quivers and my smile slips.
Whenever there's a milestone in my life, she gets emotional wishing my parents were here. I lift my hand, my fingers grazing over my mother's necklace I remove only when I go on a job.
"Have you figured out what you want to do with it yet?"
"Does anyone know what they want to do with their life?" I say, and Grammy just smiles. "I'm thinking I might move back in with you."
It's more of a joke. I don't need to move back in with her with the money I have now, but I would if she needed me.
"You know you can always come back here until you find the right job. I don't want you to do something that doesn't make you happy just to do it. Life is short, but it's a long one too. You should do what you love. This will always be your home and I would never turn you away."
Exhaling a heavy sigh, I tell her what's on my mind. "I don't know what to do, Grams. I feel like I suddenly have to make this big choice and I don't know which door I should open. Do I do what my heart is telling me to, or do I use my head and make the choice that's smarter? Take the path that will set me up with a good job and one I can supposedly be proud of that will make me money? I feel like I have one chance and I don't want to mess up."
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