He's quiet for a moment. "Nothing. She won't ask," he says, and it intrigues me.
I roll onto my side to look at him. I lace my fingers with his and fold our hands so they're pressed to my chest. "Really? I'd want to know where they hell my husband was all night."
"She doesn't question me. I don't question her. This is nothing new, trust me."
"But why? I don't understand why anyone would want a marriage like that," I say.
James sighs deeply and looks at the ceiling, lost in thought. His fingers tighten around mine. "Where we come from, divorce isn't an option. You have to remember, I'm in my fifties. It was a different time then. Once you get married, you stay married. It's just how things were done."
"So, what? If you divorced you'd get twenty lashes? I don't understand."
James goes into detail about both their backgrounds, about how her family is just a step below the Kennedys, but no one knew who he, or who his family was, the way people did hers.
"The problem is that the heat of the moment resulted in a pregnancy. Twenty years ago, when you came from a well-heeled background like her, the only way to cover up a pregnancy was to claim love and marry. Natalie is the only reason we're married and so we stay together for her. I came from a low-class background, which humiliated her family. They paid my family quite well to stay quiet. Marriage was not something either of us wanted. Yeah, we were both attracted to each other, but it was nothing more than a few hot drunk hookups and that was it. Believe me, we tried to make it work for years through counseling, but it just wasn't in the cards for us. Turns out, we don’t do it for each other when we’re sober."
"So that's why you have a membership at Sanctuary Cove," I state in understanding.
He nods. "She thinks something's wrong with me. Like there's some deep-rooted issue that stems from childhood bullshit because I'm too dominant for her. She wants a soft lover—"
A burst of laughter flies from the back of my throat and I cover my mouth.
"What's so funny?"
"You're anything but a soft lover. I could tell that the second I met you."
Leaning over to look at me, his eyes twinkle. "Don't tell me that bothers you and you're only with me for my money."
"No. I mean, at this point, the money is just a plus to me." James stares at me, blinking a few times like he's lost in my eyes. Lowering my voice, I palm his jaw and tell him the truth. "No, it doesn't bother me, James. I actually like the way you handle me. Not because I like it rough, but there's something about the way you touch me that makes me forget everything on my mind. Like your hands understand my body in ways no one ever has. I have this notion that sex is stress-relieving for both of us, like there's an understanding, a connection, and it just works. I've never experienced anything like that before you, so now it's going to be something I always seek. I don't think I'd like a soft lover. That being said, I think you could probably do rough but soft sex it would be really incredible."
James leans in and gives me an emotional kiss, one filled with need and acceptance. His hands roam every inch of my body he can reach, and I draw closer, only for him to break the kiss and lie back.
"The one and only time I got hands-on the way I like it, she said she felt like she was being assaulted, that it came off as rape, and hitting a woman to have sex is repulsive. I never touched her like that again. I would never hit a woman. I have certain tastes my wife doesn't approve of and I hate when she tries to make me feel guilty for them. I need a rougher kind of sex, but she doesn't fulfill my needs, so I look for it elsewhere."
I think it's hot when James is dominant, but I don't tell him that right now. It's not the time.
"But you fulfill hers."
"Yeah," he says, his voice is low and so empty that it hurts my chest. "Do you have any idea how hard it is to have sex with your wife and hate it? I want to be able to connect with my wife, but I never will."
I feel bad. I know what it's like to have bad sex. I can hear it in his voice how unhappy he is and I want to try to fix it.
Gently, the next few words I utter are spoken with hesitation. I don't want him to get the wrong idea, like I'm being pushy or intruding, but maybe he needs to be reminded.
"It's the twenty-first century, James. I don't think anyone would care if you guys divorced. It happens every day."
He shakes his head. "The divorce rate is high these days because millennials have an argument and can't talk it out. Ten seconds later they're googling where to find a quick divorce lawyer and crying about it. Honestly, I've never had a reason to file because I've never found that one person who just does it for me mind, body, and soul. Part of the agreement was that we stayed married for a period of time. After that time was up, we just sort of stayed. Divorce is messy and costs a lot of money."
It's cheaper to keep her, I want to add, but I don't. "That's because you haven’t really had the chance to find that person."
"The one thing we both actually agreed on was to give Natalie a good family, so we've made it a marriage of convenience and stay together for her. Katherine's tried too, but we're just oil and water now. She does what she wants, I do what I want, and everyone stays happy."
I frown. "But you're not happy."
"Far from happy, which she knows." He pauses. "I'm happy with you."
"You're not getting any younger, James. Wouldn't you want to spend the time you have left searching for that person? I would think being alone is even better than that. I'm sorry. I know this is none of my business and I shouldn’t say anything. It's just something I could never do so I don't understand how others can."
"Believe me, I've considered it a time or two. The only thing I want is for someone to want me the way I want them. To want all of me, not just a few parts of me. I want to connect emotionally and mentally and just have fun with someone. Life's too fucking short. If I search for that specific person, I won't find them."
He has a point, but it's still not something I could ever do. I'd rather be alone than stuck with someone who isn't my match in every way. That's not the kind of life I want to live, and I feel bad for the people who do.
"Can I ask what happened with you and Natalie? If you don't want to talk about it, you don't have to. I'm just curious."
James remains quiet for a long time. I kind of feel like I'm intruding on my friend’s privacy, but given the nature of my relationship with James, I feel like I need a little more background.
"I said some pretty shitty things to her a few of years ago that I can never take back. We were arguing about college and her future. The conversation got heated and Katherine wasn't helping the situation. I told her she was ungrateful and…" James hesitates for a moment like it hurts him to speak. "I said I wish her mother would've had the abortion." He closes his eyes, remorse etching his face. My jaw drops at the thought of such cruel words being spoken. "I didn't mean it and regretted it the moment I uttered the words. Of course Katherine confirmed that I wanted one. I'll never forget her face that day. It was like Katherine was proud to tell Natalie." He sighs. "It's been pretty tense ever since."
"You asked for an abortion?"
He nods. "I told Katherine she should have an abortion so we didn't have to marry, but she refused. I'm glad she didn't listen to me. Everything changed for me when the moment came and I got to hold my daughter for the first time. She's been my world ever since and everything I've done has been for her. It wasn't that I didn't want Natalie, I just wasn't ready for a child with a woman I barely knew, and then being forced into a marriage I didn't want. I was barely thirty and my life took a fucking nose dive. Now Natalie looks at me with disdain, like I never wanted her, and that's not true." He's quiet for a long moment. "I only want the best for her and to give her the life I felt she should have. I went about it the wrong way that day. I'd already had a massive fight with Katherine that I was steaming from, but I know when she's older she'll be happy, or at least I hope so."
The creases between my eyes deepen from the s
ound of sorrow coming from his voice. There are so many things I want to say to James.
"You'd feel pretty shitty if it were you, wouldn’t you?" he asks, sounding so far away.
My teeth dig into my bottom lip as I put myself in Natalie's shoes.
"Yeah, I would. Natalie and I, though? We're polar opposites. I can see how she would stay mad. My parents died in a car accident when I was young, so my grammy raised me. I know if those words were spoken to me, I wouldn't ever be able to forget them, but I do know what it's like to miss a loved one I'll never get to see again, so I tend to get over things a little differently. Everyone says things in the heat of the moment that we regret. If we can learn from that, then we can forgive and be a better person. I try not to stay mad too long. All it does is harden the heart and that's not what life is about for me."
"Natalie holds a serious grudge toward me, which is another reason why I haven't divorced her mother. Katherine doesn't want the problem to get worse and thinks it will if we separate. I kind of do too. The tension between me and my daughter eats away at me every damn day, so I suffer through this depressing fucking marriage hoping one day she'll come around. If I divorce her mother, I don't think Natalie will ever have a change of heart with how she already feels." He takes a deep breath. "I think that would be the straw that breaks the camel's back."
"You do realize Natalie isn't a child anymore. She's an adult, and I'm sure if you talked to her, told her the truth, it wouldn't be as bad as you think."
He turns over onto his side to face me. Pulling me so I'm nestled against his body, he lies halfway on me and continues. "It's a risk I'm not willing to take. I love my daughter too much for that. I don't want to lose her completely."
I glare, because I know he's not that stupid. "James. A divorce is something you can work on with her. But I'm telling you right now that if she ever finds out about us, I don't think there's anything you could do to fix it. Not to mention, she's going to think you cheat on—" I stop short. "Well, you do cheat, even though you have an open relationship, but your wife doesn't mess around."
He twirls a lock of my hair between his fingers. He watches his movements, his gaze so far away that it bothers me. It’s a side I've yet to see of him.
"Natalie will never know," he says quietly.
My stomach knots at the thought and all my guilt comes thundering back tenfold. I pray she never does, because even though I know better than to get in bed with her dad, I still did it, even knowing the consequences. I take a deep breath and exhale.
"I hope she never does either."
Forty-Seven
Pulling my cell phone out, I glance down to see Blocked Caller on the screen. I don’t typically care to answer numbers I don't know, but I’ve been getting calls from this one all week, so I decide to put an end to whoever’s on the other end.
"New York City Sperm Bank, you squeeze, we freeze. This is Valentina, how may I help you pump one out today?"
"Val." The voice sends chills down my spine to the tips of my toes. "It's James."
I smile. "Oh, I know it's you," I say, feeling relieved. I'm walking up the stairs and opening the door to the school building.
"How'd you guess?"
"No one calls my cell and says Val, for one thing. Plus, I love the sound of your voice. You could be across the room and I'd hear you and know it's you. How'd you get this number?"
"When you were sleeping last weekend at the hotel I got it."
I smile. "Sneaky. I'm glad, though. I was wondering how you would get a hold of me. I'm about to walk into class right now. Can you call me in an hour and a half? I have a small break in between classes and can talk then."
"How about I meet you for coffee? I just need to see you."
I hesitate for a minute. Natalie will be around this part of town too and I don't want to risk it, but I do want to see him.
"That sounds good. Just not over here. How about—"
"I'll text you the place. Don't worry, no one will see us."
My shoulders loosen. Pulling open the heavy door to the lecture hall, I say, "Sounds good. See you soon."
"Later, sweetheart."
I smile to myself, eager to see James. That light and airy feeling inside my chest stays for a good portion of class, until I get a text from Daniel asking to meet me at our coffee shop.
Guilt wracks me. I lose focus on what my professor is talking about and stare at the text messages. I shouldn't feel as anxious as I am to see James. I should feel like this for Daniel. I mean, I do, but it's just not the same. Not even close.
I stare down at my cell phone, blinking, trying to figure out what I'm going to do. I decide to tell Daniel that I have plans with Natalie, but I'd love to see him for dinner later. I haven't seen him in days and I can tell he's getting antsy. We agree on a late dinner so I can do some homework beforehand.
I shove my phone away and decide not to check it again until class is over. I'm bothered that I'm happy. My heart is conflicted, and I hate that I'm learning to lie to the people I care about so I can please everyone. I'm seeing two men today. Both I really like, both vastly different, and both make me happy to see them. One drives me crazy and sets my heart on fire. The other balances me, allowing me to play it safe. I can't explain what's going on or how this happened, but all I know is that if I don't get my emotions straight, I'm going to slip and fall.
And I have this feeling I'm going to hit the ground hard, and alone.
* * *
"Is this the Aubrey side I’ve wondered so much about?" James asks as he rakes a gaze down the length of my body. I step up to him and he kisses my forehead.
"This is school girl Aubrey." I smile up at him.
Ripped jeans, Toms, and a loose, off-the-shoulder sweater with a stack of books in my arms. It's finally warming up, so I didn't bother with a coat today. I look around at the coffee shop that's about ten minutes up town. "I only have thirty minutes, then I have to head back to class."
"Not enough time, but I'll take what I can get. You look so fucking adorable. I want to take a bite out of you."
I flush and bite my lip. After we get our coffee, James guides us to a little booth in a corner. I place my books on the other side of the table and we sit next to each other. I sling a leg over his thigh so my foot is dangling between his legs and nestle close to him. He drops an arm across the back of the booth.
Reaching up, I palm his cheek and turn his face to mine. I press my lips to his and give him a kiss that just feels right inside. His hand finds my inner thigh and he gives me a tender squeeze, which sends my pulse roaring.
"What was that for?" he asks, breaking the kiss.
I shake my head and shrug. "Nothing. No reason. Just saying hi."
A shadow crosses his eyes. "Hey," he says in a low voice, and it makes me want to kiss him again. So I do. "How are classes going this week?"
"Exhausting." I take a sip of my coffee. "I'm looking forward to finally being done with college, to be honest. And here I wanted to get my masters or go to law school. I think my brain needs a rest before I jump into anything else."
"What happened to the foundation you wanted to start?"
I glance at James. "You remembered that?"
He pulls back, almost like he's offended. "Yes, of course. I loved the idea."
"Really?" I say, perking up. "I feel like you're the first person to tell me that. No one seemed to think it was a great idea."
His brows furrow. "Who?"
Averting my gaze, I look down at our drinks. "Just some friends. I told my grammy, but she’s biased." I smile to myself. "She supports me regardless."
"Were you going to give up on it because of the people who didn't see it was a good idea?"
I purse my lips together and look back at him. "No, definitely not. But when there isn't anyone too thrilled about it rallying behind you, it kind of takes the joy out of it."
He nods in understanding. "You should know that I was serious that night when I said I w
ould make a donation. Yeah, I was just trying to find a way to get to you too, but I meant what I said. Whenever you're ready, just let me know."
"James, I can't take a donation from you."
"Why not?"
"Because that's mixing business with pleasure and that never works out well."
His eyes glimmer. "Sometimes that can make for the best recipe."
I laugh nervously. "Yeah, said no one ever."
He squeezes my thigh again. "Give it some thought. My firm picks two charities a year, and I'd like to make yours one of them."
I swallow back the knot in my throat. "Why did you want to see me today?" I ask, changing the subject. I'm not ready to have a conversation like that just yet. Mainly because I can't tell if he's actually supportive or if it's just a way to keep us together after our time is up.
He sighs deeply and looks ahead. "Work. It's been a stressful week. I love being a lawyer, there’s something new and exciting all the time, but some days it just gets to me, you know? Especially when people need direction over every little fucking task. We have some attorneys fresh out of law school who feel entitled to everything, some seasoned but utterly fucking clueless. I'm not going to baby them, but fuck, I wish they'd use their heads and think before asking a question. I'm trying to prepare for a case coming up that can take my firm to the next level. I don't want to be bothered every second of the day."
I pat his chest, then rub it soothingly. "Try not to take it too personal. You have to remember you were once a novice too and probably were the same way, even though I'm sure it would kill you to admit that." He looks down at me and smirks. "Anything I can do to help?" I say.
"Have dinner with me tonight?"
Leaning in, I give him a peck. "I can't. I'm sorry. I have plans with Natalie," I lie. "But what about this weekend?"
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