by David Horne
He didn’t feel like a better human being then, though. Even though he had told his mom that he didn’t want Graham to get in trouble, he had considered it. It had only been a split second, but he had still thought about it. That wasn’t who he was, and it annoyed him to think that he had even entertained the thought for a second. He wasn’t petty. He knew better than that. He finally got to the pharmacy. There was one sign outside of it, one of the old school signs that were put on the sidewalk. There was no sign on the actual building, but there were a few posters on it. There was the time when it was open—10 am to 4 pm, which Lawrence thought was oddly short—and a town calendar. Lawrence had never seen a town calendar before, but he supposed he had never been in a place small enough to warrant one. He had spotted one in front of the church and a few other places, but he hadn’t stopped to look at them. He had been walking with a purpose, but once he was in front of the pharmacy, looking at all the pamphlets and community information, there was nothing that he could do. He still didn’t know the pharmacist, he didn’t even know what they were called.
He decided that he would walk down to the beach, the one on the north side of the island, because that seemed like the place people were least likely to go. Lawrence liked his solitude. He liked being alone. He turned around to walk away when someone touched him on the shoulder. Shifting his entire body so that he was looking at the person who had touched him, it took Lawrence a little bit of time to process that the person that had come up to him was Graham.
His face was drenched in sweat and while he had that same cool expression that was always on his face, there was something in his eyes that Lawrence didn’t think he had ever seen before. He was wearing jeans and a black t-shirt that clung to his body, which was more lean and muscular than Lawrence had expected. Lawrence wasn’t in the mood to ogle anyone, definitely not Graham, but he could hardly help himself when he saw him standing there, looking the way he did. Even in the dark of night, with barely any street lights, he still managed to look amazing. Even when Graham was angry at him, he still managed to look amazing.
Lawrence looking up and down, barely noticing the plastic bag that Graham was carrying, then nodded at him. He couldn’t even bring himself to say anything, not even mumble a greeting.
Graham seemed to notice, because he appeared to be hurt for a second, wincing at the nod. Then he cleared his throat.
“Hello,” he said, his voice deliberate, slow and neutral. “I noticed that you were on your way to the beach. Would you like some company?”
Lawrence wanted to say that he didn’t want any company. He wanted to say that he didn’t want anything to do with Graham. That was what he wanted to say, but there were several things stopping him from doing that. Part of it was that he still needed Graham’s help to write the letter to his mother and the last thing that he wanted was to alienate him. The other part, the much more annoying part, was that he simply didn’t want to upset Graham. Lawrence might have been angry at him, but the way he had asked this, the way he had been so weirdly disarming and kind—if only to him, not to Jimmy Hunter—made it impossible for Lawrence to be unkind.
“I don’t know,” he said. He didn’t think that he was being impolite, only sincere. “It’s kind of hard for me to be around you right now.”
“I completely get it,” Graham said. “I’ll let you be, then.”
“No,” Lawrence replied, biting his lips. “It might be hard for me to be around you, but I’m going to have to get used to it. Plus, I think I found a solution for Jimmy Hunter’s treatment.”
Graham looked surprised at that. “What do you mean?”
“Well, Karen told me not to buy antibiotics,” Lawrence said, eyeing the beach. “Walk and talk?”
“Sure,” Graham replied. They started to walk together toward the beach. It never occurred to Lawrence to ask Graham what he was doing there because they were bound to run into each other. The skerry was even smaller than his university’s campus had been so it was no surprise that he would bump into him here. As they walked toward the beach, Lawrence explained the conversation that he’d had with his mother, how she would help—Graham seemed very pleased when Lawrence told him about that—and what it would mean for Jimmy. Eventually, he approached the matter of the letter, and Graham said that he would be delighted to help him draft the letter if it meant that more resources would be sent to their little island. By the time Lawrence was done talking, they had gotten to the beach. There was a restaurant there, but no houses, and the restaurant’s lights were the only ones Lawrence could see. Graham grabbed his phone out of his pocket and turned on his flashlight, putting the light on the sandy ground.
“It’s so dark here,” Graham said. “Make sure you don’t trip.”
Just like that, Graham grabbed Lawrence’s elbow, his hands soft and warm against Lawrence’s skin. Lawrence was startled by his sudden touch, but he appreciated it. He didn’t jerk away at all, he just let Graham guide him onto a little patch of sand that seemed perfectly fine to sit on. The sand had cooled down because the sun wasn’t out anymore. Lawrence’s eyes were adjusting to the darkness, so he could see the vast sea, drenched in darkness in front of him.
Graham gestured for him to sit and Lawrence did as he was told. Part of him didn’t really want to, but he found Graham’s company good and he was an interesting person to talk to, even if Lawrence was slightly angry at him.
They sat next to each other, far too close for a straight guy—Lawrence thought, but he wasn’t going to ask Lawrence if he liked men too, their legs touching a little bit. Graham put the plastic bag in front of him and they both leaned back, looking at the stars. It was only when Lawrence was sitting down that he realized just how beautiful the sky was. It was imposing and it looked like a thick blanket on them, twinkling stars everywhere. If Lawrence lay down, he would have felt like the stars were washing over him. It was a little scary to think about.
“It’s imposing, isn’t it?” Graham asked.
“What?”
“The sky,” he replied. “I know that it’s a bit much when you first come out here.”
Lawrence nodded. “Yeah, no kidding. It makes you feel so small.”
“It’s kind of beautiful, though, isn’t it?”
“Yes,” Lawrence replied. “As stunning as it is scary.”
Graham laughed quietly. “I know it doesn’t feel like it, but I promise that you get used to it.”
“It really doesn’t feel like it, especially when you’re from a big city.’
“Yeah,” Graham said. “Tell me about it.”
Lawrence watched him. “Wait,” he said. “Where did you grow up?”
“London,” Graham said. “A borough called Bexley. You wouldn’t have heard of it. What about you?”
“Chicago,” Lawrence said. “Guess you have me beat on the city front.”
“Just on the city front?”
Lawrence chuckled, despite himself. “What else do you think you have me beat on?”
“I don’t want to say,” Graham replied. “Wouldn’t that just be me giving the game away?”
Lawrence smiled. “I guess. So London? What the fuck are you doing here? If you'll forgive my bluntness.”
Graham chuckled. “Don’t worry,” he replied. “I’ve dealt with Americans before. I’m used to how uncouth you all are.”
“I aim to please,” Lawrence said, laughing along with him. He didn’t want to push it and if Graham didn’t want to answer, he didn’t want to force him to. He understood that the reason that people volunteered and gave up their lives for jobs like Graham’s were as varied as they were personal and Graham might not have wanted to share that with him. He waited, in silence, for Graham to change the topic.
“London isn’t that bad,” Graham said. “I could have stayed there and made a life for myself. I wasn’t expected to do much. My mum raised me, by herself, because my father was in prison.”
Lawrence watched him. “Your father was in prison?”
“Yes,” Graham said. “He got nicked for stealing when I was a little boy. My mum just wanted me to have a better life than him. The estate was fine, a little rough, but I was a tough kid.”
“Right.”
“There was this old man who lived on the estate,” Graham said. “The council had knocked his flat down and they had moved him to our estate and by the time that they had, he was old and… unwell. I used to take him his food and keep him company. He was kind of a war hero. A medic, not a doctor. He didn’t have one of his arms. He lost his mind, eventually, it was really sad.”
“I’m sorry,” Lawrence said when he heard the pain in his voice.
“It’s okay,” Graham said. “I just wish he’d had more support because he was a good man. But being around him got me thinking, what am I going to do, stay here and work in a shop for the rest of my life, or go out there and help people. So I chose the latter.”
“Right.”
Graham sighed. “But you must not think that I like helping people.”
Lawrence shook his head. “I don’t know,” he replied. “I know that you do what you can.”
Graham grabbed the plastic bag and handed it to Lawrence. He grabbed it and opened it, peering inside only for a second to look at the things inside. The bag was light. The only things that were inside were a few boxes of medications. Lawrence grabbed them, bringing them close to his face because he could hardly see the labels in the darkness. They were antibiotics, specifically the ones he had asked Graham to give to Jimmy. He turned to him, knitting his brow. “I don’t understand,” he said.
Graham sighed deeply. “I don’t want anyone to be hurt, Lawrence,” he said. “I really don’t. There’s only so much I can do in an official capacity, but that doesn’t mean that I’m not a concerned citizen.”
“I don’t understand,” Lawrence said. “You said that you couldn’t give him antibiotics.”
“I said that I couldn’t give him antibiotics that come out of the aid money, but I earn my money, and I’m an adult. I decide what to do with it.”
“But…”
“Yes?”
“Karen told me that I couldn’t do this,” Lawrence said. “You said you trusted her and I didn’t want to go against her judgment.”
“You’re right,” Graham said. “I do trust her. And like she said, I don’t think that you should get medication for anyone and let them know about it if you don’t want them to think that you’re going to be able to finance their medication.”
Lawrence nodded. “Right. So what about you? What do you do?”
“I don’t tell them about it,” Graham said. “And I’m swearing you to secrecy. Look, there are only a few people on the skerry who can afford buying medication outright for anyone.”
“Yes,” Lawrence replied, licking his lips. “Antibiotics are expensive sometimes. And usually prescription.”
“Yes, well, I’m also counting on you not to report our pharmacist to the governing board,” Graham said. “There’s only so much I can do. The people here assume it’s one of us, but we keep each other’s secret.”
“So I could have done it.”
“We don’t like bringing the doctor into it,” Graham said. “You already do so much. We can hardly ask you for much more.”
“But still… you didn’t have to let me worry,” Lawrence replied, his voice quiet. He felt a little foolish now, that he had been so angry, that he had thought that Graham was going to let Jimmy Hunter die, that he was going to make it so that a kid wouldn’t have his medicine. But he had been wrong about him. He had misjudged him and he had jumped to conclusions. On the other hand, there was nothing that he could have done, especially not if Graham wasn’t going to tell him the truth.
“The skerry works in very odd, very particular ways,” Graham said. “We try not to scare doctors because they’re so valuable. The last thing I wanted to do was make you feel responsible for this. I told you, it is my job to make your life easier. It might not seem like I’m doing so at the time, but I promise I’m finding a way to make it happen.”
“You wouldn’t have scared me.”
Graham stared at him.
“Okay, you might have scared me a little bit,” Lawrence said. “But I would have gotten over it eventually.”
“I’m sure you would have,” Graham said. “But I’m glad we did scare you, because now we have that extra aid, and it’s something that the skerry can always have more of.”
Lawrence sighed. “Yeah, you’re right, probably. And my parents are happy to give.”
“Good,” Graham said. He let one long moment pass before he spoke again. “Are you still angry with me?”
Lawrence looked at him, his eyes narrowing. “How did you know I was angry with you?”
“I have eyes,” Graham said. “You’re not that good at hiding your emotions.”
Lawrence chuckled, shaking his head. “Yeah,” he said. “Josh always said that I sucked at that.”
He felt startled the moment he had said that. He hadn’t meant to let it slip that he used to date a man, though he knew that it was likely that Graham had already guessed it. Graham seemed like a smart man to him. If Lawrence didn’t know any better, Lawrence would have thought that he was hitting on him, but he clearly wasn’t.
“My boyfriend could be kind of a dick, too,” Graham said, making every muscle in Lawrence’s body stiffen. “I miss him, though.”
Lawrence tried to make sure that his voice was even when he spoke. “Your... boyfriend? Does he come here often? Maybe I’ll get to meet him soon.”
Graham didn’t answer for a long time. Lawrence didn’t push him, but the mood of the conversation had shifted from relief to something else, something a lot heavier, but Lawrence wasn’t sure what it was exactly. Perhaps Graham wasn’t getting along with his boyfriend and that was why it felt like all the air was gone from the beach, like the temperature had suddenly dropped about five degrees.
“He doesn’t come here often,” Graham finally replied quietly.
“Oh,” Lawrence said.
Graham sighed. “He doesn’t—he can’t come here,” he said. “He’s dead.”
“Oh,” Lawrence said again, his stomach turning into a knot. “I’m so sorry, I wouldn’t have—”
“No, it’s okay, you weren’t to know and—”
“But I could have been more sensitive and—”
“It’s okay, Lawrence,” Graham said. “Seriously. I mean, not the dying, obviously, but the bringing it up. You didn’t know about it, and it’s not something I talk about a lot, but part of it is that I don’t really have anyone to talk to about it. I just thought… I don’t know. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”
“You didn’t make me uncomfortable,” Lawrence said, shaking his head vigorously. “Seriously, you didn’t. I thought I had been the one to make you uncomfortable because I had brought something painful up and I didn’t mean to stir up bad memories for you.”
“You didn’t stir up bad memories,” Graham said. “Some of them were bad, some of them were good, but I like thinking about it sometimes. It feels like there’s this part of my life that has such a huge gap in it because of his death and people are afraid of touching it because of him, and it annoys me, because I was there too. I matter too.”
“Of course you do,” Lawrence said.
“Sorry,” Graham said, shaking his head. “I got carried away. I just… it bothers me because it feels like his death stole a lot of things from me, including what could have been my future, but it also bothers me that it feels like it retroactively went back and stomped over everything else.”
“Right,” Lawrence replied. “Well, I’ve never lost anyone like that, but that part of it sounds particularly awful. Do you miss him?”
“Sometimes,” Graham said. “It’s been a few years. I just feel like no one will ever be able to go out with me because I might as well have a sign over my head that says ‘heavy baggage, do not touch’.�
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“I don’t know,” Lawrence replied with a chuckle. “You should hear my baggage.”
“Does it beat dead boyfriend?”
Lawrence giggled, then covered his mouth with his hand. “Shit,” he said. “Sorry. I probably shouldn’t laugh.”
“It’s okay,” Graham said, smiling back at him, wrinkles appearing around his eyes. “Really. I’ve had years to get over it. We didn’t really get along that well, we just both had similar jobs and we were on the road together. We hooked up when we both started and we kept running into each other, it was that kind of thing. We decided it was destiny, but I think we were both just destined to be friends. He was handsome, though, I was young and horny, and so was he. We couldn’t keep our hands off each other. Honestly, a ‘friends with benefit’ arrangement would have worked better, but I couldn’t do it.”
Lawrence cocked his head. “Why?”
“You’re going to laugh at me.”
“Yeah, maybe,” Lawrence replied, a smile on his face. “But you can’t get out of it anymore.”
“I’m kind of a hopeless romantic,” Graham said. “I know, it’s really stupid, but I can’t help myself. I want something real. Something tangible. Jean Luc, well, he never wanted anything like that. But he wanted someone to have sex with and he was more than happy to string me along. We kind of fell into a relationship after a while and neither one of us knew how to get out of it.”
“That doesn’t sound stupid,” Lawrence said. “It sounds sweet.”
“Well,” Graham said. “You’re probably the only person in the world who thinks that. Anyway, like I said, we kind of just fell into it, and we were matter-of-fact about our relationship. It wasn’t anything either of us really wanted, but monogamy kind of happened, and we just… I don’t know how to explain it.”