by Lauren Child
‘Yes, but trespassing on my property!’ said Mr Parker. ‘That girl needs to learn to respect her—’
Mrs Digby stepped forward, raising her broom. ‘Well this is Redfort property,’ she said. ‘So I suggest you remove your ungrateful behind before I sweep you off it.’
For a moment, Mr Parker eyed the broom. Then he glared at Ruby. ‘This isn’t over,’ he said. ‘Trespass is illegal. It’s the principle of the thing. You, girl, are a delinquent! A degenerate!’
Ruby had had enough. ‘Yeah?’ she said. ‘Well, you’re a small-minded jackass who should stick his principles where the sun don’t shine. And you know what else? You can …’
She told him what else and then some. Most of it did not bear repeating.
‘Hey Ruby,’ called a small lispy voice.
Quent Humbert had appeared on the pathway behind Mr Parker. As the old grouch stormed off, shouting back at Ruby as he went, Quent was almost knocked off his feet and into the bamboo.
‘Quent?’ she said.
‘Hey Ruby, how are you?’ said Quent. You could be forgiven for thinking the previous minute’s confrontation hadn’t happened.
‘Oh you know, fine Quent, I was just talking to that nice neighbour of mine about the reptile infestation under his house which is about to poison the entire neighbourhood starting with his own dog.’
Quent nodded. ‘I’m glad he’s not my neighbour, he’s kind of grouchy.’ Then Quent stuck his hand in his jacket pocket and rummaged around for a few seconds before pulling out a small book which had a picture of a mouse on the front. The mouse was holding a camera and in the camera flash was written the word Autographs. He handed it to Ruby.
‘What, you want my autograph?’ she said.
‘I already got it,’ said Quent, ‘but I was hoping you could take my book to the Explorer awards and get as many signatures as possible. My dad told me you were going. I wish I was, but I’m not, I can’t, there aren’t any more tickets.’
‘Look Quent, I’d like to help out but it might be kinda frenzied, you know, trying to get signatures and all.’
Might be kinda dorky too, was what she was thinking.
Quent looked like he was going to have a lower-lip tremble. Plus Mrs Digby gave a meaningful sniff before turning and going back into the house.
Ruby sighed. ‘Hey, I tell you what, you hold on to it for now and I promise I’ll take it on the night. I’ll do my best, OK?’
‘Thanks Ruby, it would be unbelievably super if you could.’
‘Like I said, I’ll do my best.’
‘So my mom said you’re not coming out tonight?’
‘Why would I be coming out tonight?’ asked Ruby.
‘For a family dinner,’ said Quent. ‘I hoped you’d be able to come, but your mom said you had a big basketball tournament.’
‘That’s true, I did have a big basketball tournament.’
‘So why are you here?’ asked Clancy.
‘It was cut short,’ explained Ruby.
‘What happened?’
‘We lost.’
‘Great, so now you can come?’ said Quent hopefully.
‘Sorry to disappoint you know, Quent, but as you can see I’m all tied up with community stuff.’
‘Too bad,’ said Quent. ‘Another time.’
‘Not if I see you first,’ said Ruby.
He smiled. ‘You’re funny Ruby.’
Ruby walked back inside.
‘Boy, that kid has some issues,’ said Del.
‘Talking of issues,’ said Ruby, ‘are you short sighted or something?’
‘How do you mean?’ asked Del.
‘You were supposed to be looking out!’
‘I was looking out, but what was I meant to do? Shout “Ruby get the heck outta there, the old trout is on his way”? I mean, that would have been kinda obviously giving the game away, wouldn’t it?’
‘Have you ever heard of sound signals?’ said Ruby. ‘A hoot, a whistle?’
‘You want me to hoot like an owl?’ said Del. ‘How suspicious is that in the middle of the day? Owls are night birds.’
‘Well, it’s no great surprise you’re not a secret agent.’
‘Yeah, well as far as I heard neither are you,’ said Del.
Chapter 14.
Two wrongs make a right
RUBY WASN’T SURE WHAT VIEW HER PARENTS WOULD TAKE ON THE MR PARKER INCIDENT, not after her mom had taken the call from Mrs Boyce informing her about the Five Aces dumpster-episode gossip, which had travelled down from the biggest mouth of them all, Mr Chester. Mrs Digby had warned Ruby that the ‘cat was out of the bag’ and that Ruby should ‘brace herself for a truck of trouble’.
‘How do you know?’ asked Ruby.
‘Your mother phoned me from work – asked me if I was aware.’
‘What did you say?’ asked Ruby.
‘I said I don’t waste my time listening to tittle-tattle,’ said Mrs Digby.
‘She hasn’t just heard about what just happened with Mr Parker, has she?’ said Ruby.
‘One crime at a time,’ said Mrs Digby.
‘Maybe I’ll have an early night,’ said Ruby.
‘That’s why your mother was calling – she wants you to meet at the restaurant.’
‘What restaurant?’
‘Cipriani’s, you’re having a family supper.’
‘What?’ said Ruby. ‘Tell me Quent will not be there …’
‘Quent will be there.’
‘They’re torturing me,’ said Ruby.
‘Well, for what it’s worth,’ said Mrs Digby, ‘I think you did the right thing. And even if Bubbles is the devil’s own dog, she deserves an owner better than Mr Parker. If you hadn’t done what you did, Bubbles would be dead and buried, and you would be sitting here feeling worse than wretched.’ Mrs Digby looked Ruby square in the eye and said, ‘Be true to yourself, Ruby Redfort, and it will steer you right.’
When Ruby arrived at the restaurant, she found her mother sitting waiting for her, a bowl of fat green olives on the table and another dish already a quarter full with olive stones. Not a good sign: her mother only ate fast when she was angry.
‘Where is everyone?’ said Ruby, wishing they would appear.
‘I wanted time alone with you,’ said Sabina Redfort, popping an olive into her mouth. ‘We need to straighten a few things out, young lady.’
‘Mom, you sound like Knuckles Lonagon from Crazy Cops.’
‘It’s all around town,’ said her mother.
‘Are we talking about what I think we are talking about?’
‘You have something else to confess?’
‘Not right now,’ said Ruby.
‘Well, no matter, I’m sure Mr Chester will pick up the phone if there is.’
‘Mr Chester must lead a very dull life,’ said Ruby.
‘Yes, he does,’ said her mother, depositing the stone in the dish. ‘We should pity him for having nothing more interesting to talk about than you but, before we do, let’s pity the long-suffering mother who is raising a daughter who thinks it’s perfectly acceptable to jump into a trash can.’
‘It wasn’t planned,’ said Ruby.
‘Well, that is a relief,’ said Sabina. ‘I really would be depressed to discover you had planned to start your day by jumping in garbage.’ She reached for another olive. ‘Boy are these olives good.’
‘Pugliese,’ said Ruby.
‘Pardon?’ said Sabina.
‘They’re Pugliese – from Puglia in the south of Italy, firm to the bite, creamy texture, not in the least bitter – in my opinion they’re the best kind.’
‘When did you learn so much about olives?’ said her mother.
Ruby shrugged. ‘Just picked it up, I guess.’
‘Well, getting back to the point …’ said Sabina.
‘I’m sorry,’ said Ruby. ‘If it helps then I should say that I have no desire to do it again.’
‘It helps a little,’ said Sabina.
> ‘Can we please go back to pitying Mr Chester for leading such a futile life?’
‘No,’ said her mother, ‘I haven’t finished being mad at you.’
‘Is there something I can do to make it up to you?’
‘Yes, you can rinse out our garbage cans and clean up the trash that is blowing around in front of our house, starting tomorrow.’
Ruby rolled her eyes. ‘Now you’re encouraging me to engage with garbage, make your mind up.’
The restaurant door opened and Sabina started waving like crazy at Freddie and Marjorie Humbert.
‘Over here!’ she called.
‘Ruby!’ shouted Quent. He had a large Band-Aid wrapped over the lobe of his ear. ‘I got bitten on the ear by my gerbil, do you want to see the wound?’
‘That just happened? I mean, you were at my house about an hour ago,’ said Ruby.
‘I know!’ beamed Quent. ‘Unlucky, huh? It’s really oozing.’
Ruby looked around the restaurant; it felt like everyone was looking.
‘Keep your voice down Quent or they’ll all want a peek.’
Everyone settled into their seats and chit-chatted for a bit. Ruby attempted to dissuade Quent from revealing his gerbil bite (unsuccessful), the waiter came over, orders were taken, the main course was eaten and things were going pretty smoothly, if a little dully, until Quent piped up.
‘So Ruby rescued a dog.’
Ruby kicked Quent under the table.
‘You rescued a dog?’ said Brant.
‘Not really,’ said Ruby.
‘She did!’ said Quent. ‘My gerbil’s vet told me.’
‘I thought it was you that got bitten?’ said Sabina, looking confused.
‘Boy, word really does get around,’ said Ruby.
‘It was being attacked by snakes,’ said Quent.
‘The gerbil or the dog?’ said Marjorie.
‘The dog,’ said Quent, ‘it was bitten by snakes.’
‘Snakes where?’ said Sabina.
‘Under the house,’ said Quent.
‘Whose house?’ said Freddie.
‘Mr Parker’s,’ said Quent. ‘But Ruby saw it and called for help.’
‘What were you doing looking under Mr Parker’s house?’ said Brant.
‘I wasn’t. Look, if you must know, I was just retrieving my comic which had blown into Mr Parker’s yard and then I heard a dog whimper, saw some snakes, called the vet and the emergency services, end of story,’ said Ruby picking up her menu. ‘Does anyone feel like dessert?’
‘Mr Parker must have been quite relieved,’ said Marjorie.
‘He was furious,’ said Ruby.
‘Why?’ asked Freddie.
‘He doesn’t like people trespassing,’ explained Brant.
‘What, a kid can’t occasionally kick a ball into his yard without the cops being called?’ said Freddie. ‘What kind of person is he?’
‘A grouch,’ said Sabina.
‘I quite agree,’ said Brant, agreeing. ‘I mean, why shouldn’t a kid occasionally drop something in another person’s yard and need to retrieve it?’
‘And if Ruby hadn’t been so careless then the man’s dog would be dead as a doormat,’ said Sabina.
‘Dormouse,’ said Marjorie.
‘Dodo,’ said Ruby.
‘She’s a hero of dogs,’ said Quent.
‘You got that right,’ said Sabina. She raised her glass. ‘Congratulations on saving the life of that awful dog,’ she toasted.
‘That poor unfortunate awful dog,’ said Brant, chinking glasses.
And just like that, Sabina Redfort stopped being mad about the dumpster incident and was beaming with pride about her dog-saving daughter.
The unpleasant clank of
the wake-up alarm sounded
in the penitentiary …
… and the prisoners waited to file out of their cells. The usual count began, but this time the numbers did not add up right.
‘Marshall? Where in all curses is Marshall?’
There was no reply, just the drip drip sound from the prison-cell faucet.
‘Toss the cells!’ bellowed the guard. ‘Check every darn crevice of this facility!’
Thirty minutes later and all that was recovered was the prison-issue uniform of prisoner 2185.
Five hours later and a tunnel was discovered, beginning to the left of the sink and winding its way through the inside of the building’s walls where all the pipes converged, and exiting …
…500 yards beyond the prison fence.
Chapter 15.
In the doghouse
IT WAS ONLY WHEN RUBY TOOK THE STAIRS DOWN TO BREAKFAST THE NEXT MORNING that she realised that although her parents were happy to let the matter drop, Mr Parker was not.
‘I want to know what you are going to do about your daughter?’ she heard him demand from the front stoop.
‘What do you mean? She saved your dog, didn’t she?’ her mother replied, her tone indicating that she was trying to reason with a most unreasonable man.
‘She did no such thing. She trespassed on my land is what she did.’
‘And discovered a whole bunch of snakes,’ argued her mother.
‘Which she had no business discovering,’ countered Mr Parker.
‘But if she hadn’t then Bubbles would be dead, poisoned to death at the hands of one of those vipers.’
‘Who’s to say what would have happened? Maybe I would have found Bubbles and saved myself a vet bill too.’
‘Look Mr Parker, we are very happy to cover all expenses,’ said Sabina, trying to calm things down.
‘That isn’t the point.’
‘Mr Parker, you are one contrary man,’ announced Mrs Redfort.
‘Now you are sounding like that daughter of yours, I’m sure she gets her foul mouth from somewhere.’
‘Well, I beg your pardon Mr Parker!’ cried Sabina. ‘I do not have a foul mouth and I only ever curse when I feel there is no alternative which happens to be just about n—’
Brant Redfort arrived on the scene.
Brant: ‘Now Mr Parker, my wife is only trying to point out that my daughter’s actions were well meant. I’m happy to pick up the vet bill if you are happy to let the matter drop.’
‘What?’ spluttered Mr Parker. ‘After what your daughter said to me?’
Brant Redfort swallowed nervously. ‘I’m sure Ruby wasn’t intending to offend.’
Mr Parker: ‘Well if she wasn’t intending to offend then why did she call me a small-minded jackass who could stick his petty principles where the sun don’t shine?’
Oh dear, thought Ruby, well at least he stopped there. But unfortunately for Ruby, Mr Parker hadn’t stopped there, he went on to repeat word for word all the other stuff Ruby had enjoyed telling Mr Parker and, as much as Ruby knew her father loathed Mr Parker, she also knew just how much her father loathed any kind of rudeness. Don’t sink to the level of bottom feeders or you yourself will become a bottom feeder, was something Brant Redfort regularly trotted out.
Ruby waited until the front door had been closed before coming down to the kitchen.
Her father looked up when she entered the room.
‘I’m guessing you’re aware that Mr Parker just paid us a visit.’
‘Oh is that who it was,’ said Ruby. ‘Did he have anything nice to say?’
‘When does that man ever have anything nice to say?’ said her mother.
‘I understand this fellow could make a saint swear, Ruby, but I would hope you were above that,’ said Brant.
‘Well, sorry, I’m no better than a saint,’ said Ruby.
‘I’m afraid I’m going to have to ground you,’ said her father. Ruby’s parents rarely, if ever, grounded her. They looked most uncomfortable about it too, it just wasn’t their style – she could see how embarrassing they found it and that made it worse somehow.
‘Do what you gotta do,’ said Ruby, who had never been successfully grounded her entire life, though of
course her parents didn’t know this. ‘I better go ring Red, tell her I won’t be meeting up to plan the Halloween costumes.’
‘Well …’ began Sabina, ‘maybe we could make an exception for that. We could ground you afterwards, that way you wouldn’t miss out.’
Brant raised his eyes to heaven. ‘The whole point, honey, is that she does miss out, otherwise why ground her?’
‘I don’t know, Brant, it just seems a bit harsh.’
‘Look,’ said Ruby, ‘don’t let’s go getting our underwear in a bunch. Dad’s right, I’ll miss the meet up, that way everyone will feel I’m suffering – I’ll suffer, my friends will suffer, you’ll suffer …’
‘Wait a minute, how will we suffer?’ said Sabina.
‘You’ll have me cluttering up the place. We’ll all suffer together for what I said to Mr Parker even if he in fact deserved it,’ said Ruby.
‘Well, we know he deserved it,’ said her mother.
‘That’s not helpful honey,’ said Brant.
‘It’s fine, I’ll do my time,’ said Ruby.
‘Oh, thanks Rube, that’s very good of you,’ said Sabina.
‘Don’t mention it,’ said Ruby, ‘so are the Explorer Awards off too?’
Her parents looked troubled. ‘No, of course you mustn’t miss the Explorer event,’ said Sabina.
Her father said nothing for a minute and then, ‘Look, since you are being such a sport about all this, why don’t we all agree to skip this whole grounding thing this time,’ he said. ‘I mean, I think we are all on the same page here, don’t you?’
‘Don’t swear at the neighbours. Got it,’ said Ruby.
Clancy was looking pretty happy when Ruby got to school that morning. He was standing by her locker waiting for her.
‘What’s making you all at one with the world?’ she asked.
‘I figured how I’m going to tackle my behavioural science project,’ said Clancy. Clancy was pleased because he often agonised about these things. When everyone else seemed to have come up with their brilliant idea he was still sitting there chewing his pencil. ‘It’s good, really good, but I’m going to need a state-of-the-art video camera.’