The Complete Ruby Redfort Collection

by Lauren Child

‘No, nothing like that. But there’s going to be some community service in your future, Ruby, I gotta be clear about that.’

  Ruby shrugged. ‘I’m not gonna whine about it or anything, but you do know this whole incident had nothing to do with me?’

  ‘I believe you Ruby, but if you aren’t prepared to give me names so I can sort this whole thing out fair and square then I got no choice – trees get broke in two, trash gets scattered, it’s not fair on folks if something isn’t done to put things right. So, you going to name names?’

  ‘Like I said, I didn’t see much on account of my glasses getting broke.’

  ‘OK, then.’ He wished them both good day, explained that he would be in touch with Brant and Sabina, and then went on his way.

  ‘Just perfect,’ said Ruby.

  ‘Only got yourself to blame,’ said Mrs Digby. She sat Ruby down at the kitchen table and gave her a dishcloth full of ice to hold against her bloody nose. The bleeding soon stopped but the swelling wasn’t going to disappear before her mother and father returned home.

  ‘They’re gonna be mad,’ said Ruby.

  ‘They’re going to be mad,’ agreed Mrs Digby, handing Ruby a mug of tea. ‘Your parents aren’t ones to suffer social disgrace lying down.’

  ‘This is hardly social disgrace,’ countered Ruby, ‘just a casual disagreement.’

  Mrs Digby looked at the note that the sheriff had handed her. ‘Destruction of public property, littering of the neighbourhood … I’d say it was the very thing that would send your mother and father into an early grave.’

  ‘Mrs Digby, you’re being dramatic.’

  Mrs Digby put her hands on her hips. ‘You’re not one to get in fights, so what got you into this one?’ she asked.

  Ruby said nothing.

  ‘No doubt it was that Del Lasco,’ said the housekeeper.

  Ruby said nothing.

  ‘She could make a saint grow horns and sprout a forked tail, that one.’

  ‘It wasn’t her fault,’ said Ruby, though what she was thinking was, Del, you’re a numbskull.

  ‘You’re the one that’s going to get punished,’ continued Mrs Digby.

  ‘You win some, you lose some,’ said Ruby.

  ‘Well, you’re going to be losing out tomorrow night,’ said the housekeeper. ‘Your father won’t be taking you to that explorers thingummyjig, you can be certain of that!’

  ‘I know he’ll be mad at first, but he’ll come round,’ said Ruby.

  But she was wrong about that.

  Chapter 20.

  Throwing in the towel

  DINNER THAT EVENING WAS AN UNCOMFORTABLE MEAL.

  ‘Ruby, what were you thinking?’ said her mother over and over.

  ‘She wasn’t thinking,’ said her father, ‘that’s just the problem.’

  Ruby was keeping quiet.

  ‘Last month you practically killed yourself on a skateboard, this month you want to get your head knocked off in a senseless fight.’

  ‘Two totally different situations,’ said Ruby.

  ‘And your new glasses!’ exclaimed her mother.

  ‘Are you looking to kill yourself or kill someone else?’ said her father.

  ‘I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.’

  ‘If you are not responsible then who is?’ asked her father.

  ‘I really couldn’t say,’ said Ruby.

  ‘Will she get community service?’ said her mother.

  ‘It seems likely,’ said her father.

  Sabina suddenly looked alarmed. ‘Do you think they’ll make her wear one of those orange boilersuits?’

  ‘If they do, they do,’ said her father.

  ‘Orange is such an unforgiving colour,’ said her mother.

  ‘You know I can’t abide fighting, Ruby,’ said Brant Redfort.

  ‘I’ve seen you watch the boxing,’ said Ruby.

  ‘That’s utterly different,’ said her mother. ‘There’s a referee and there’s towels.’

  ‘So if I had had a towel it would have been OK with you?’

  Fortunately her father wasn’t listening, he was on a roll. ‘Fighting and spreading trash all over the place, I mean, really.’

  ‘Yes,’ agreed her mother, ‘this town is knee-deep in garbage already. I mean, if you must fight then avoid knocking into the garbage cans,’ she paused as she let the picture take hold in her mind’s eye, ‘and the bacteria involved, it just makes me shudder.’

  Brant looked at his wife concernedly. ‘The point is, honey, she shouldn’t fight, period, she’s been told. Fighting is not a solution to anything.’

  ‘Exactly,’ said Sabina, ‘and littering just makes it 150% less of a solution.’

  ‘I don’t know what to say,’ said her father. ‘I mean, after what happened all those years ago … I thought you would have learnt your lesson, I thought we had agreed. You made a promise.’

  ‘And I kept it. I wasn’t fighting,’ said Ruby, ‘I don’t fight. I didn’t land a single punch, not even a pinch.’

  Brant Redfort stood up. ‘The Explorer Awards, you can forget them. I mean Ruby … I just don’t know,’ then he left the room.

  She opened her mouth to protest, but thought better of it. Instead, Ruby got up from the table and took her dish into the kitchen. She was surprised to see Hitch there, she hadn’t heard him come in, yet there he was polishing a pair of black shoes, shoes so shiny you could use them for a looking glass.

  ‘Do you use those for spy work?’ she asked.

  ‘You never do know when you’re going to need to have something reflected back at you,’ replied Hitch. He paused. ‘You OK kid?’

  Ruby nodded.

  HITCH: ‘Your dad sounds pretty mad. I’ve never heard your folks go off at the deep end like that.’

  RUBY: ‘They don’t like social embarrassment.’

  HITCH: ‘Who does?’

  RUBY: ‘Plus a tree got damaged, my dad’s a nature lover.’

  Hitch continued to shine the shoes and Ruby stacked her plate in the dishwasher.

  HITCH: ‘Doesn’t sound like he’s too keen on fighting either.’

  RUBY: ‘He has a thing about it.’

  HITCH: ‘You could tell him what really happened.’

  RUBY: ‘Oh yeah, and what really happened?’

  HITCH: ‘You found yourself between a rock and a hard place – Lasco and Begwell.’

  RUBY: ‘How do you know it was between Del and Vapona?’

  HITCH: ‘It’s obvious.’

  RUBY: ‘I was trying to talk some sense into them.’

  HITCH: ‘So you’re not much of a negotiator.’

  RUBY: ‘You ever try reasoning with two people who hate each other?’

  HITCH: ‘Actually yes, it’s sort of my day job, but I only ever stand in the middle if I know I’m going to come out the winner.’

  RUBY: ‘What choice did I have?’

  HITCH: ‘Del Lasco can fight her own battles.’

  RUBY: ‘She has a hand sprain.’

  HITCH: ‘She’s got legs, doesn’t she? Walking away can work.’

  RUBY: ‘Del’s more of a fighter.’

  HITCH: ‘Pretty dumb to fight when you have a busted hand.’

  RUBY: ‘Pretty dumb not to fight when it means you wind up getting socked in the nose.’

  HITCH: ‘If you knew how to avoid getting into a fight in the first place, you wouldn’t have been socked in the nose.’ ruby: ‘When Bugwart wants a fight, you don’t have a whole lotta choice – you just get pounded.’

  HITCH: ‘Or you run real fast. You can run kid, I’ve seen you.’

  RUBY: ‘Yeah, and I’m happy to run, it beats getting smacked in the kisser believe me, but if I had then I would have left Del to face Bugwart’s gang alone.’

  HITCH: ‘Like I said, seems to me this was Del’s fight.’

  RUBY: ‘Del’s fights have a habit of becoming everyone’s fight, if you know what I’m saying.’

  She turned to leave.

&
nbsp; HITCH: ‘Well, kid, you know what they say – it’s your nose.’

  Ruby returned to her room and walked into the bathroom. She peered at herself in the looking glass – her nose didn’t look too pretty.

  Mirror mirror on the wall, Ruby Redfort, you look awful.

  She wasn’t sure but she thought that particular blow had come from Gemma Melamare, an eye for an eye, a nose for a nose. She just hoped the swelling would subside by sun up.

  The light on her message machine was blinking like crazy and she rightly guessed that was down to Del.

  ‘Rube, you there? You not answering my call because A: you’re mad at me? or B: you’re not allowed to take calls, or C: you’re dead? Look, anyways, whatever, I’m seriously sorry, OK, I’ll speak to you tomorrow … if you’re not hospitalised, that is.’

  The answer machine had just finished replaying Del’s message when the phone rang. She took the receiver from the squirrel’s paw.

  ‘You’re late,’ said Clancy, his voice loud in her ear. ‘I’m at a phone box on Amster and you are late!’

  ‘It’s worse than that,’ said Ruby.

  ‘You mean you’re not coming.’

  ‘I can’t come.’

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘I got into a bunch of trouble.’

  ‘Yeah? Well, it better be the sort of trouble that involves the cops or I’m gonna be mad about it.’

  ‘Actually it is.’

  Clancy began flapping his arms; she could hear him doing it. ‘You’re kidding,’ he said. ‘You are kidding, aren’t you?’

  ‘No, as a matter of fact I’m not, Clance.’

  ‘I’m coming over,’ he said.

  ‘I wouldn’t advise it,’ she replied. ‘They’re kinda furious, my folks, I mean.’

  ‘But your folks are never furious,’ said Clancy.

  ‘Well this time they are and I don’t think they are going to back down.’

  ‘But you’re still coming to the Explorer Awards, right? I mean they’re not so mad at you that they would ruin your life?’

  ‘I’m afraid they are,’ sighed Ruby. ‘Look I’m sorry I forgot to call, probably something to do with being punched on the nose, but I’ll see you in school.’

  ‘I’m not in school tomorrow, remember?’ said Clancy. ‘I got that whole pre-party photo op thing with my dad.’

  ‘Oh yeah,’ said Ruby. She’d forgotten about that. ‘I’m losing my mind.’

  ‘You’re just not sleeping enough,’ said Clancy. ‘So when am I going to see you? I mean, if your parents aren’t letting you out, I’m not going to see you all weekend.’

  ‘Don’t worry, I’ll come up with a brilliant plan,’ said Ruby, and she hung up.

  She changed out of the ill-fated ‘keeping the peace’ clothes and climbed into bed, then she lay there in the dark, thinking. She could make this all go away, her dad’s disappointment in her, her stupid punishment, if only she gave up the names of Del Lasco and Vapona Bugwart. Most people would understand, even Del might understand. But Ruby couldn’t square it with herself.

  It was like Mrs Digby said: be true to yourself, Ruby Redfort, and it will steer you right.

  She hoped so.

  No one knew where the

  first dollop of mashed potato

  came from, but it was

  all it took …

  … seconds later and the canteen of the women’s high-security correctional facility was a chaos of food ammunition, clattering metal trays and spinning cutlery. It seemed that every single inmate was involved and every single one of them was shouting. By the time the prison officers had taken control, every inch of the place was covered in stewed vegetables and Jell-o.

  Remarkably there were no casualties, but for the one prisoner found knocked out and lying face down on the floor covered in mashed potato and vegetable stew inside the walk-in refrigerator. It was also discovered that one of the prison officers, Officer McClaren, was missing. A search was conducted, her car was gone from the warden parking lot and the CCTV footage showed her driving out of the prison grounds during the riot.

  ‘This will be a disciplinary offence,’ said the warden. ‘She had no right to leave the prison compound during a security breach.’ The warden’s administrator picked up the phone to call Officer McClaren back in.

  There was no answer. Either McClaren was ignoring the call or she had not yet arrived home.

  Meanwhile, the unconscious prisoner was taken to the prison sanitorium to be checked out by the medical team. Only after the food and dirt was wiped from the face of the prisoner was it discovered that the prisoner was not a prisoner. The prisoner was Officer McClaren.

  The sirens sounded and the manhunt began.

  Chapter 21.

  Taking it on the chin

  RUBY WAS RELIEVED WHEN MRS LEMON CALLED ROUND DURING BREAKFAST. This was not normally a cause for rejoicing, but right then Ruby could use the distraction. The day had got off to a bad start when there was an angry phone call from Consuela Cruz. Apparently she had been told ‘just two minutes ago, not even’ that chicken could not be served at the awards due to Mrs Abrahams, the Mayor’s wife, suffering from a chicken phobia.

  ‘Who has a phobia against the chicken? This woman is loco, crazy, a fruit cake.’ Consuela was set to walk out, resign, tell them to ‘stick their stupid awards to the explorers!’ but Brant had talked her down. That crisis had but barely been averted when the Sheriff called to inform Ruby’s parents that Ruby was to be assigned six hours of community service.

  ‘I was just wondering if you might want to babysit Archie on Sunday?’ said Elaine Lemon. She looked at Ruby as if this were the offer of the century and there might be nothing a thirteen-year-old girl would rather do than spend her weekend looking after a one-year-old boy.

  ‘Sure,’ said Ruby, ‘be delighted to, but the thing is I’m grounded.’

  ‘That’s OK, Ruby,’ said her father, ‘you will be doing Elaine here a good turn and you won’t be having fun, it’s a win win. In fact, let’s make it a regular arrangement.’

  Elaine looked a little perturbed by Brant’s assertion that looking after her son would not be fun, but she was so relieved that she had finally pinned down some childcare that she kept her mouth firmly closed.

  When Ruby climbed on the school bus she saw Del Lasco waving at her eagerly from a seat near the back. Ruby stumbled down the aisle and sank down next to her.

  ‘Why haven’t you called?’ said Del.

  ‘I haven’t been getting a lot of “me time”,’ said Ruby.

  ‘How did your folks take it?’ asked Del.

  ‘Ah, you know,’ replied Ruby, ‘a little bit badly.’

  ‘Like on a scale from one to ten?’

  ‘Maybe thirteen.’

  ‘So you’re in trouble?’ asked Del.

  ‘Well, the Explorer Awards are off,’ said Ruby.

  Del made a horror-struck face. ‘Now I feel really terrible,’ she said.

  ‘It’s not your fault,’ said Ruby.

  ‘I think it is actually.’

  ‘It’s not.’

  Del gave her friend a good-natured thump on the arm. ‘Look, thanks a million for not ratting me out, I really massively appreciate it.’

  ‘Of course,’ said Ruby.

  ‘Yeah but I mean, thanks, my mom would have grounded me till Christmas if I had been caught fighting again.’

  ‘It’s OK,’ said Ruby, ‘you would have covered for me.’

  ‘You got that right,’ said Del, ‘but I feel bad. I didn’t mean to leave you there, I mean I never would a, I thought you were right behind me – I had no idea your glasses had been totalled.’

  ‘My stupid clogs didn’t help, but it’s not a big deal,’ said Ruby, ‘don’t make a thing of it.’

  ‘Not a big deal?’ said Del. ‘But you were really stoked about going to that explorer thing tonight.’

  ‘Yeah, well, I’m sure the six hours community service will take my mind off it.’

>   ‘Oh jeepers, not that too,’ said Del. ‘Look, I’ll help you out.’

  ‘You won’t be allowed,’ said Ruby, ‘and in any case, if you do, then they’ll figure it was you I was covering for.’

  By the time they made it to Junior High they were talking about other things.

  At least they were up until they ran into Vapona Begwell.

  ‘Hey Lasco, who knew you could run so fast?’ jeered Vapona.

  ‘I’m surprised you even noticed given you split the scene before the cops even turned the siren on.’

  ‘I guess I must a been trying to catch you and Redfort.’

  ‘Actually Ruby took the fall, she was picked up by the sheriff.’

  That silenced her. ‘You were arrested?’ said Vapona after a pause.

  ‘Of course I wasn’t arrested,’ said Ruby. ‘What, you think having your glasses stomped on, and your nose smooshed makes you responsible for wrecking a tree and kicking over a bunch of trashcans?’

  ‘So I suppose you squealed, Redfort?’

  ‘Are you kidding Bugwart, Ruby doesn’t squeal.’

  ‘Which is lucky for you, Lasco.’

  ‘She saved your butt too, Bugwart.’

  Ruby didn’t want to be reminded of the dumb argument that had led to her missing the event of the year so she walked off in search of a more intelligent conversation.

  Back home again and Ruby was trying hard to take it on the chin, but it wasn’t so easy when the thing you really wanted more than anything had just been taken away from you. She had played it down with Del, the big disappointment about missing the Explorer Awards, because she didn’t want Del to feel bad, and though in a way Del was sort of responsible for the whole mess, it was like Hitch said: all Ruby had had to do was walk away. Well, she wasn’t going to demean herself by begging; she knew by the look in her father’s eye that he would never change his mind. Her mom she reckoned she could break down, but her dad, no chance. She went straight up to her room, did her homework, watched no TV and read a book called The Four Dimensions of Taste.