The Complete Ruby Redfort Collection

by Lauren Child

  Clancy was looking down from the upstairs window and when he spotted Ruby he called out.

  ‘What are you doing?’

  ‘I’m babysitting,’ said Ruby.

  ‘What?’ said Clancy. He couldn’t quite believe his ears. ‘You are not serious?’

  ‘Totally,’ said Ruby.

  ‘What happened? Did you lose your mind finally?’

  ‘It’s tactical,’ said Ruby.

  ‘How so?’

  ‘I do a little babysitting and my parents regard me in a more sympathetic light, also it makes them feel I am being punished, which in a way I am.’

  Clancy was really looking at her now.

  ‘Plus it means I get to leave the house, legit.’

  ‘This is your plan?’ said Clancy. ‘Your brilliant plan?’

  Ruby shrugged. ‘The best I could come up with at short notice,’ she said.

  ‘Impressive,’ said Clancy. ‘Where does one pick up a baby at short notice?’

  ‘Elaine Lemon’s,’ said Ruby. ‘Can you come down and open the gate?’

  ‘Sure thing,’ said Clancy, and he ran downstairs and buzzed her in.

  ‘He might be needing a drink already, you got any milk?’ asked Ruby. ‘I tell you, all this kid does is poop and eat.’

  They walked into the kitchen where they found five-year-old Olive Crew reading a book, or at least pretending to read a book; most of it she had simply memorised.

  ‘You want me to read him a story?’ asked Olive. ‘I can read really good.’

  ‘Well,’ corrected Clancy. ‘It’s well, not good, and by the way, you can’t.’

  ‘I can too,’ said Olive and she plonked herself down next to Archie and began the job of pretending to read.

  ‘Once upon a time … you see?’ said Olive. ‘I’m reading.’

  ‘You’re not reading,’ said Clancy, ‘you’re remembering.’

  ‘It’s the same,’ said Olive.

  Ruby and Clancy opened a bag of cookies and Clancy chatted on to her about the Explorer Awards evening.

  ‘I mean those snakes,’ said Clancy, ‘they were something else. One bite and you start sweating a river.’

  And then Ruby told him about how her mother’s evening gown had disappeared.

  ‘Someone must have taken it from her hospital locker,’ said Ruby.

  ‘Maybe it just got lost in the emergency room,’ offered Clancy. ‘I mean, it must have been pretty dramatic, a life and death sorta situation.’

  ‘Yeah, maybe,’ said Ruby. ‘Either way, we got no way of proving my theory.’

  Olive’s little voice droned on in the background. ‘Who is the fairest of them all? … Clancy what does this word say?’

  ‘Liver,’ said Clancy. ‘The queen told him to cut out her heart and her liver.’

  ‘Oh,’ said Olive. ‘The queen told him to cut out her heart and her liver,’ she wrinkled her nose. ‘What’s a liver?’

  ‘It’s one of your main internal organs,’ said Ruby, ‘cleans your blood.’

  ‘Do you need it?’ asked Olive.

  ‘Yeah,’ said Ruby, ‘you’re basically flat-out dead without a liver.’

  ‘So what’s Snow White going to do when the man cuts out her liver?’ asked Olive.

  ‘She’s going to die,’ said Clancy. ‘What do you think is going to happen?’

  Olive ignored him and continued with her story.

  ‘So how long do you think your parents are going to keep this up?’ said Clancy.

  ‘The whole grounding deal? I don’t know,’ said Ruby, ‘they’ll get bored soon enough, want me to go to some party with them and that will be that.’

  ‘What’s a b-o-d-i-c-e?’ asked Olive calling out the letters phonetically.

  ‘Like a corset,’ said Ruby.

  ‘What’s one of them?’ said Olive.

  ‘Something you wear, straps you in real tight,’ said Ruby. ‘Like what?’ said Olive.

  ‘It’s a piece of clothing. You lace it up and it wraps tight around your middle.’

  ‘Like a belt?’ said Olive.

  ‘No, not really, but pretend for the sake of interruption it is.’

  ‘OK,’ said Olive.

  ‘And when do you have to do your community service?’ asked Clancy.

  ‘I’m still waiting to hear,’ said Ruby.

  ‘So the queen pulled the belt really completely tight and Snow White couldn’t breathe and fell over on the floor and was dead, but not quite.’

  Ruby stopped talking.

  ‘What is it?’ asked Clancy.

  ‘What did you just say, Olive?’

  ‘So the queen pulled the belt really completely tight and Snow White couldn’t breathe and fell over on the floor and was dead but not quite.’

  ‘Lost property,’ said Ruby.

  ‘What?’ said Clancy.

  ‘My mom was wearing a belt the other night at the Explorer Awards.’

  ‘So what?’ said Clancy.

  ‘So I need to get to the Geographical Institute and search through the lost property.’

  ‘Because she might have lost her belt?’

  ‘She left it in the powder room, and it might be evidence of my poison theory – I have to get down there, right now!’ She caught sight of baby Archie. ‘Only I can’t because I gotta get the Lemon home. Darn it!’

  ‘Simple,’ said Clancy, ‘I’ll get the belt, you lose the Lemon!’

  ‘Clancy, you’re a genius.’

  ‘No,’ said Clancy. ‘I’m just thinking straight.’

  They had just barely made it to the bus stop when it seemed the baby was trying to tell them something.

  ‘Is it food you’re after?’ asked Ruby. The baby may have smiled, it was hard to be sure with babies; one infant’s smile was another’s gas.

  ‘Oh brother,’ Ruby said as she pulled out one more jar of mush. She began to look for a spooning device.

  ‘Here,’ said Clancy, ‘I always keep one with me.’

  ‘Thanks,’ said Ruby. ‘Weird, but thanks. That kid’s doing my head in.’

  ‘He’s a lot better than Olive,’ said Clancy.

  ‘No, I don’t mean the Lemon, I mean that kid.’ Ruby pointed ahead of her. ‘The cartoon kid.’

  Ruby and Clancy were sitting on the bus stop bench and there was a flyer stuck to a lamppost. The drawing was of that same cartoon kid, the words winding out of its mouth.

  ‘Oh, yeah,’ said Ruby. ‘In all the drama I forgot to tell you – Elliot was right, it is a drink, at least I think so. I saw the bottle the other day when I was getting socked in the nose by Gemma Melamare. It fell out of the trashcan. I can’t be sure because I couldn’t see too well on account of my glasses being broken, but I could swear it was the same image.’

  ‘Well that’s good, so it was all worth it, getting arrested by the sheriff then.’

  ‘I wasn’t arrested, Clancy.’

  ‘You went in the car.’

  ‘Yeah but that’s not being arrested; going in the car doesn’t mean arrested.’

  ‘Did he put the lights on?’ asked Clancy.

  ‘Why would he put the lights on, Clance? What possible reason would there be to put the lights on?’

  ‘I thought you said you had a nosebleed?’

  ‘What, are you outta your skull?’ said Ruby. ‘No one puts flashing lights on for a nosebleed.’

  ‘So what did the bottle look like anyway?’

  ‘Just a glass soda bottle with a sort of twisty glass shape and that cartoon kid.’

  ‘Did you keep it?’ asked Clancy.

  ‘Why would I keep it?’ asked Ruby. ‘I just got socked in the nose. I wasn’t exactly in the mood to bring home somebody else’s trash. Plus I was being escorted away by Sheriff Bridges. What was I going to say? “Excuse me while I take this empty bottle out of the garbage”?’

  ‘Yeah, and I guess your folks would a hated that, on top of all the other delinquent stuff you’d just done,’ said Clancy. ‘My dad would probabl
y have made me join the foreign legion or something. He would not have taken well to the embarrassment of a son getting arrested.’

  ‘How many times do I have to say I wasn’t arrested?’

  The bus came and Ruby and Archie boarded and headed back to the Lemon house, while Clancy went in search of Mrs Redfort’s lost property.

  Forty minutes later, Clancy was breathless and ringing on the Redfort’s front door. He handed over a plastic carrier bag containing Mrs Redfort’s evening gown belt.

  ‘Good going Clance, I owe you one,’ said Ruby.

  ‘No sweat,’ said Clancy. ‘I gotta split, let me know if you’re right, OK?’

  ‘You’ll be the first to know,’ said Ruby, ‘and if not then at least the second or possibly third.’

  Chapter 26.

  Take a minute

  HITCH WAS IN HIS APARTMENT FIXING SOMETHING TOO SMALL TO SEE. Ruby thought it was probably some piece of Spectrum gadgetry, and that reminded her about the camera and Clancy’s behavioural science project. She had promised to at least try and acquire a small video camera from the Spectrum gadget room for Clancy, but exactly when was she going to get around to doing that?

  It was hardly top of her agenda, though she hated to let Clancy down.

  Hitch took off his magnifying eyewear when Ruby entered the room, and sat back in his chair.

  ‘What is it kid, something happen?’

  ‘I’ve been sorta wondering if perhaps it wasn’t an oyster.’

  Hitch took a second or two and then his brain caught up.

  ‘… That poisoned your mother?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘Because of the mucus – oysters are basically all mouth, gills and mucus – anyway, I told her how bivalves eat, and that put her right off. You know about how oysters eat?’

  ‘No, but I think I might be coming around to your mom’s point of view.’

  ‘So I think it’s highly probable she didn’t eat one like she said from the beginning, and if I’m right then something else must have poisoned her.’

  ‘So what are you suggesting? Another food stuff caused her to wind up in the ER?’

  ‘I think it might have been her dress.’

  ‘Her dress?’

  ‘Yes, her dress.’

  ‘Kid, I am actually not following.’

  ‘Something toxic could have been on her dress, soaked into the fabric, an accident probably, but, I mean, I think that could be what happened.’

  She repeated what she had explained to Clancy, and Hitch took his time before asking, ‘Kid, you know how unlikely this sounds?’

  ‘Yes,’ agreed Ruby.

  ‘Where is this dress?’ asked Hitch.

  ‘It’s gone,’ said Ruby.

  ‘So we can’t prove your theory?’

  ‘Maybe we can,’ said Ruby. She explained about the lost property, the belt, the chance that it might be able to prove her hypothesis.

  ‘And you have this belt?’

  Ruby held up the bag containing the red belt.

  ‘OK,’ said Hitch, ‘if you feel there’s a chance you’re right, let’s ask SJ to check it out.’

  ‘You’re taking me seriously?’

  ‘Don’t I always?’ said Hitch.

  ‘Not always,’ said Ruby.

  ‘Well, kid, I’m taking you seriously now.’

  ‘If my parents find out I’m out and about without the Lemon they are going to give me major grief. That kid’s my cover.’

  ‘Redfort, I’m your cover,’ replied Hitch.

  They drove at some speed to the Dime a Dozen in Hitch’s silver convertible. As they drove, Hitch called SJ, the Spectrum lab technician, and filled her in.

  They reached the Dime a Dozen convenience store, stepped through the flyspray shelves and into HQ.

  SJ was waiting for them, protective gloves on.

  First of all she sniffed the red silk belt and then she carried out various tests in her lab.

  Once she was satisfied, she took off her gloves. ‘Yep,’ she said, ‘that’s methanol all right. It’s largely evaporated of course, but if your mother’s dress was soaked in this stuff too then I would guess she is lucky she drank so many cocktails.’

  ‘Was it deliberate?’ asked Ruby. ‘The methanol, I mean.’

  ‘I’d say so,’ replied SJ. ‘It would be a pretty weird accident, wouldn’t you think?’

  Hitch, who was standing behind Ruby, was trying to silently mouth something to SJ and making a sort of cutting motion with his hand as if to say ‘stop talking’, but SJ wasn’t reading this and instead was making it abundantly clear that she was marking this incident up as attempted murder. ‘So now we know how your mother was poisoned,’ she said, ‘though it won’t answer the bigger question of why someone might want to poison her.’

  Ruby was feeling a little weak at that particular moment: sometimes being right about a thing did not lead you to a place of tranquil satisfaction. Why would someone want her mother dead?

  Hitch looked at his watch. ‘Look kid, you need to get going. I have you covered until six but your parents are going to think you have gone AWOL if you don’t make it home by dinner.’

  ‘I’m going,’ nodded Ruby as she turned to leave, ‘but what if someone isn’t satisfied with almost poisoning my mother to death? What if they try again?’

  ‘Kid, don’t you worry about your mother, I got that covered. I have someone watching her, just a precaution.’

  ‘I hadn’t noticed,’ said Ruby.

  Hitch looked heavenwards. ‘He’s a professional, you’re not meant to notice.’

  ‘Oh right,’ said Ruby.

  ‘So scram,’ said Hitch.

  Ruby called Clancy as soon as she made it home and it didn’t take Clancy long before he was ringing the Redforts’ doorbell. Ruby could hear the exchange between her father and her best friend.

  ‘How nice to see you Clancy.’

  ‘Thank you?’

  ‘So I see the wind is still raging out there.’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Do you think it will ever stop?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘So your father must be excited about the trip to Washington?’

  ‘Yes, he is.’

  ‘Are you excited?’ Pause.

  ‘I guess.’

  ‘How’s your mother?’

  ‘OK, she’s had a new haircut.’

  ‘Hair is important if you’re married to an ambassador.’

  ‘I guess.’

  ‘How’s school these days?’

  ‘OK.’

  ‘That’s swell to hear Clancy, a kid’s school days are the best of one’s life, you should enjoy them.’

  A pause and then, ‘I’m depressed to hear that sir.’

  ‘So I guess you’re here to see Ruby.’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Well, don’t let me keep you.’

  ‘Thank you.’

  Sound of footsteps racing up the stairs.

  Door flinging open.

  ‘Boy, do you not know how to sidestep my dad.’

  ‘He’s a tricky customer,’ said Clancy. ‘He actually kind of hypnotises me.’

  ‘Just don’t look into his eyes,’ said Ruby, ‘or listen. You gotta imagine you are very busy and you just smile and say something like “great to see you” and keep moving, never stop, that’s the secret.’

  ‘Got it,’ said Clancy. ‘So were you right?’

  ‘Yeah,’ said Ruby, ‘my mom was poisoned and I know by what.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Her dress was soaked with methanol. Just like I thought.’

  ‘I don’t get it, how did poison get in her dress?’

  ‘Someone put it there.’

  ‘Why is everyone always trying to kill your mom?’ said Clancy.

  ‘Everyone isn’t always trying to kill her, it’s only happened twice before.’

  ‘That’s quite a lot you know,’ said Clancy.

  ‘Yes, but tha
t first time really had nothing to do with her, not really, it was only because Nine Lives Capaldi mistook her for some kind of security genius.’

  ‘Wouldn’t have made her any less dead if Nine Lives had been a more successful assassin.’

  ‘That, my friend, is certainly true,’ sighed Ruby.

  ‘So do you think whoever tried it on this time is going to have another go?’

  Ruby pondered this dark thought for a minute before replying, ‘I really don’t know.’

  ‘This isn’t good,’ said Clancy. ‘I mean what does Hitch think?’

  ‘I think at this exact nanosecond he doesn’t consider she is in too much danger. She’s sitting downstairs eating nachos and watching Take A Minute with my dad.’

  ‘What is it with Take A Minute?’ said Clancy. Take A Minute was a dilemma show where celebrity guests had to make tricky decisions. ‘This? Or this?’ is what the compere would ask, and then he would say, ‘Take a minute.’

  ‘I know,’ agreed Ruby, ‘pretty lame show, huh?’

  ‘So why would they target your mom?’ said Clancy. ‘These poison-dress assassins?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ said Ruby. ‘I guess I’m going to have to take a minute.’

  He opened the door …

  … to find the woman from City Nurseries on the stoop. She was holding a large green box.

  ‘That’s it?’ he asked.

  She looked at her clipboard. ‘You ordered a wolfsbane specimen?’

  ‘That’s right,’ said the man.

  ‘You do know how dangerous these plants are?’ said the woman. ‘You must wear gloves at all times. If the poison from the leaves gets onto your hands, you’ll need to call 911. It works transdermally, and it’s quick.’

  ‘Oh don’t worry,’ he said, ‘no one will be calling 911.’

  Chapter 27.

  The ill-fitting dress

  CLANCY WAS OUT OF BREATH WHEN HE ARRIVED AT SCHOOL – he was cutting it fine, the bell about to go.

  ‘What’s got you all animated?’ said Ruby, stuffing her gym bag into her locker.

  ‘So you know how your hunch was correct about your mom’s dress being saturated in poison?’

  ‘You think I’m likely to forget?’ said Ruby.

  ‘And it worries you, right?’ said Clancy.