by Dean, Ali
My hands drop to her ass, squeezing it and pulling her closer to me at the same time. Jordan gasps when her center rubs up against me, and the sound makes me groan. I love how everything about this girl is genuine and honest. Especially when we’re together like this. Her reactions tell me exactly where she’s at, and it makes it easy for me to navigate how fast or slow to move things. As Jordan presses into me, I want more than anything for there to be nothing between us. No fabric, just skin.
Breaking our kiss, I know I’ve got to check in with her about what happened earlier tonight before this goes further. The look in her eyes tells me she’s as hot for me right now as I am for her. Still, I can’t go with it until I know she’s okay.
“Jordan,” I manage to get out.
“Beck?”
“What happened tonight? You really freaked me out.”
She frowns, probably annoyed I’m asking this now, but answers anyway. “Panic attack. I’m good now.”
“You sure?”
“Yeah, I’m good Beck, I promise. It hasn’t happened in years. I don’t really know why I had one tonight, but I’m fine now. It doesn’t last once it passes.”
I swallow. “Okay.”
“Okay?”
“Yeah, I trust you. If you say you’re good, I’ll try not to worry. But you’re staying with me tonight, you know, just in case.”
One side of her mouth tilts up. “Can we take our clothes off first?”
“I was hoping you’d ask that.”
Jordan doesn’t hesitate. She pulls her shirt over her head. Then she’s sliding off my lap and pulling down her pants and underwear until she’s bare in front of me. I’m too damn mesmerized to move, and when she takes control, unbuttoning my jeans, I lift my hips, allowing her to slide them all the way off and kicking them to the side between hers. Jordan takes a moment to stare at the tent in my boxers before I pull those off too, followed by my shirt.
There’s only the sound of our breaths as we take each other in, her standing beside me as I sit on the edge of my bed. We broke down some barrier between us tonight when we exposed more vulnerabilities. The new level of trust forming between us is undeniable, and when Jordan reaches for my length, I don’t stop her. She wants this, and as she holds my gaze, I know she’s not doing it to prove anything, or return a favor, or establish anything between us that doesn’t exist. She’s doing it because she loves me. Me. And she wants me. She wants this. Her eyes flutter closed as she grips the head, rubbing it with her thumb and cautiously stroking down.
“Beck?” she asks, her voice stronger than her grip.
“Yeah?” My own voice is heavy and thick, and I realize I’m half gone while Jordan is still seemingly in control.
“I have no idea what I’m doing. But I don’t really want to mess around tonight.”
“You don’t?” I’m not following, but that could be because my dick is in her hand and her body is naked in front of me.
“What I mean is, I want you, this, inside me.” Her eyes are wide open now, a little blush appearing on her cheeks. She looks so beautiful. Wait, what did she just say?
“You want this inside of you?” I was thinking she might want to play around first, given she’s never even touched a dick before. You know, get used to the idea of it. Maybe she means inside her mouth. Yeah, that must be it.
“I really do,” she says with a strong nod. “I’m on birth control actually,” she starts to explain, her cheeks and neck flushing again.
“There’s no rush for that,” I manage to get out, not expecting this from her. I’d been willing to wait as long as she needed. “But I do have condoms,” I add. Because, well, I do. And she should know this.
“Where are they?”
I’m already reaching to my bedstand for the foil package.
“Come here,” I tell her, just needing to feel her. My hands go to the back of her thighs, pulling her next to me until her breasts are just above my forehead, her stomach at eye level. My lips move along the skin there, underneath the swell of her breasts and along her navel. One of my hands reaches to her center, finding her soaking already. I’m not even surprised as I dip a finger inside.
“I’m ready, Beck,” she confirms, but I already know. “I want this. Right now.”
Her impatience and directness are as much of a turn-on as her naked body in my hands. In case I haven’t heard her correctly, she adds, “Put on the condom, Beck.”
I bite my lip, so fucking hot for this confident woman. She isn’t showing an ounce of fear. Not as she watches me roll on the condom. And not when she’s the one to push me onto my back, straddle me, and line me up at her entrance.
I couldn’t keep the words in if I tried. “I love you so damn much, Jordan,” I tell her as she sinks onto me inch by agonizing inch.
She’s breathing hard, but if she’s in pain, she’s hiding it well. “Fuck,” she pants out. “That feels better than I thought.”
“It doesn’t hurt?”
“Oh, it hurts,” she confirms. “But I love it.”
She’s rendered me speechless. My no-longer-a-virgin girlfriend, sitting on me with wide eyes, loving how I feel inside of her even though it hurts.
“I’m kind of afraid to move though.”
I grasp her hips. “We’ll go slow.”
She winces a little when I guide her hips up, but with each stroke, her expression relaxes a bit. We find a rhythm, our eyes locked on one another as we soak in this connection. It’s not how tight she is that makes it unlike anything I’ve experienced before. It’s the overload of tenderness and devotion pulsing through my bloodstream, the intense outpouring of respect and trust for this woman. It’s more than her breasts bouncing, the muscle tone in her stomach and flare of her hips. She’s not just one more beautiful girl. Jordan’s my girl.
My thumb moves to the spot I know she loves, and her eyes start to roll back. When she calls out my name, her nails biting into my chest, I give up the control I’ve been trying so hard to hold on to. My fingers dig into her hips as my hips thrust with the force of my orgasm. I swell and jerk inside of her and Jordan’s head falls forward as she cries out again. As we come down, I pull her to me, chest to chest, and kiss her cheeks, nose, and forehead.
I’m about to tell her once again how much I love her when she snaps her head up. “Oh crap, you don’t think Griffin heard me, do you?”
There is no way he didn’t hear that. “Pretty sure he wears ear plugs at night and turns on a fan for white noise,” I lie.
She sighs. “Oh good.” Her head falls back to my chest and I stroke her hair.
“Beck?”
“Yeah?”
“I feel so wrong admitting this. But the thing is, that was even better than when I landed a 540 for the first time.”
Chapter Nineteen
Jordan
We’re in a study room in the library, sitting around a big square table covered with papers and snacks. It’s hard to believe next week is Thanksgiving and we’re buckling down on school work as we approach the end of the semester.
We’ve already been at it an hour, and plan to stay hunkered down until dinner time in a few more hours. There’s a loud pop noise and I glance over to find Zora opening a can and taking a sip. I’m about to go back to my psychology textbook but I do a double take. Yup, the label says Truly, the same drink she was having the night she got wasted at Moses’s party. Ellie has headphones on and isn’t paying attention but Lucy catches my eye and shoots me a concerned look.
Zora seemed surprised the morning after Moses’s party, but wasn’t too concerned about it, and the rest of us brushed it off too as a one-time thing. I know it’s her first year of college and she’s maybe testing limits or something, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little concerned with how often I’ve seen her drinking, and the number of empties I noticed in the recycling bin in her dorm room last week.
Lucy must share my thoughts because she blows out her cheeks, sits up straighter, and s
ays Zora’s name loud enough to get her attention through headphones. Ellie’s paying attention now too.
“What’s up, Lucy Goosy?” Zora asks.
“I thought you said you had two tests tomorrow.”
Zora tilts her said to the side. “Yeah…”
“So, why are you drinking right now?”
“Huh?”
“You’re drinking at 2 PM in the library on a Sunday, Zora. I’m just wondering why.”
Zora glances at the can by her books. “It’s sparkling water, Lucy Goosy.”
Ellie’s pulled off her headphones now. “No babe, that’s hard seltzer. You drink it all the time.”
Zora picks up the can and looks at it. She peers down and keeps staring at the label. “No fucking way. This has alcohol in it?”
“Really, Zora?” Lucy asks. “You know it does.”
I’m watching this all go down, uncertain what to think. She has to know that’s alcohol, doesn’t she?
“Have you tried it? It tastes like flavored water.” Zora takes a little sip and tilts her head from side to side. “Huh. Wow.”
Ellie leans across the table toward Zora. “Are you telling us you’ve been downing those things at all hours of the day thinking it’s water?”
Zora’s eyes widen and she looks around the table. “My mom loaded the trunk of the Pilot with stuff for me when I got it weeks ago. She said she’d bought all these flavored waters on a special deal at Costco. There were like six boxes.”
There’s a beat of silence as we all share stunned expressions.
“I was drinking one of these in class the other day!” Zora says on a groan. Her head drops and bangs on the open book at her table. “Oh my God, people on campus have probably seen me drinking these things in the morning with breakfast when I walk to classes. And I thought it was the pink hair and partially shaved head that was getting me funny looks!”
The rest of us are dying laughing while Zora is groaning with distress. “Why didn’t you guys say something sooner?”
Lucy wipes her eye. “Oh man, I was really starting to worry too. I didn’t know how to approach it.”
“It makes sense you got blackout wasted at Moses’s party,” I manage to get out between snorts of laughter.
“I was switching between these” – she holds up the can, shaking her head – “and beer, thinking I was hydrating, when really I was just making myself get drunker faster with all that carbonation.”
We laugh harder, the relief she’s not going down a rocky path as strong as the irony itself.
Ellie clutches her stomach. “So you’re not like, distressed about the three of us having boyfriends then? That’s what I thought it was about.”
Zora snorts. “Seriously? Uh, no. I’m happy for you and everything but I’ve got no interest in being tied down. I like my independence, thank you very much.”
We spend at least ten more minutes laughing about how both Zora and her mom managed to screw it up, and all the time Zora thought she was drinking water when it was alcohol. The rest of us confess we’re relieved, that we’d been worried.
Finally Zora lets out a long sigh. “So you guys all have boyfriends and I don’t. I’m not worried about it. Not for myself. You know I like doing my own thing, always have. If I’m distressed, it’s only for you guys I guess. How do you even know what you want this young? I don’t get it. None of us have even picked a major. How can you commit to a person?” All that laughing must have opened us up, and Zora’s telling us how she really feels about all her friends in relationships. I don’t think it’s what any of us were expecting.
“I don’t know about you two,” I say, pointing to Ellie and Lucy, “but I’m not like, planning a wedding yet or anything.”
“I am,” Ellie says, raising her hand. “I was thinking a destination wedding, like Jamaica, or maybe Cancun.”
Lucy shakes her head, apparently deciding Ellie’s not being serious. “I don’t know, Zora. I’m just really into Coby. He’s a senior so I don’t know what’s coming next. At least he surfs and he’s got his parents’ house so hopefully that means he’ll be around the area after he graduates, but we haven’t talked about it. I figure we just make the most of the time now, take it one day at a time.”
She sounds genuinely unconcerned and in love, and a little part of me envies her for it. I’m doing my best to take it one day at a time too, but it’s hard to ignore what’s looming ahead of us. In four weeks I go home for winter break. And when I return to campus, Beck will be gone.
“Okay, I know we need to get back to studying,” Lucy says, changing the subject. “But I’ve been dying to hear about your interview and shoot yesterday with Skate Wave Magazine, Jordan!”
Zora starts passing around her drink, claiming we don’t want it to go to waste. I take a little sip, curious if it really could be mistaken so easily for sparkling water. Hard to say, now that I know it isn’t.
“It was kind of awesome,” I admit. “I really thought I’d hate that stuff, getting asked questions, going through a legit photo shoot while I skate. But it wasn’t so bad.”
“Probably because Beck was there,” Ellie points out.
“I know, I wonder about that. I mean Griff was there too, but I do wonder if I’d be so cool with all these changes if Beck wasn’t at my side. And that makes me kind of nervous, you know? I don’t like needing someone so much.”
I can’t believe I’m admitting this to them, to myself, but it’s been weighing on me from the very first day I agreed to be the rep for Brazen. I knew that the big thing that pushed me to do it was Beck. Wanting to be in his world, and knowing if I took the leap, he’d be there too, as the other main rep for Brazen. Instead of dreading the photo shoot and interview with the biggest skateboarding publication around, I was excited to do it. And I’m almost certain that wouldn’t have been the case if Beck hadn’t been there too.
Lucy reaches across the table for her favorite comforting move, the hand pat. “Hey girl, it’s okay to need people. The toughest people can admit that. No need to be scared of it.”
“But what about when he leaves? In a few weeks?”
“He won’t be gone off the face of the planet,” Zora says, in a slightly gentler tone than her usual brutal honesty. “And we’ll be here. You know we’ll come to your photoshoots and contests, babe.”
“As long as you aren’t in charge of keeping me hydrated,” I warn.
Zora winks. “Hey, I got an A on my term paper last week and I now know I wrote that baby trashed.”
There’s a round of hysterical laughter and then Ellie points at me. “Oh, I forgot to tell you. Felicity,” she starts but Zora interrupts.
“You mean Fliss.”
“Right, Fliss, as she likes to be called now. She’s been asking if you and Griffin are together. At first I was like no, definitely not, she works for him. But then she asked again last week, and I was like, if she is, she hasn’t told anyone.”
Zora groans. “Ellie! You know how Fliss was at Moses’s party. She literally staked out skateparks to get an invite and then propositioned him, repeatedly. That’s basically the only part of that party I remember.”
“With her friend Daisy,” Lucy adds, “to sweeten the deal. And didn’t they chase after you to get a ride home too?” she asks me.
“Yeah,” I confirm. “But it’s fine, Ellie. Just leave it vague I guess. It’s better than people thinking I’m with Beck and then dealing with that once filming starts. I can handle Fliss if she accosts me about it.” At least, I think I can.
“I don’t think her little fixation is going anywhere with Griff anyway,” Ellie explains. “She’ll lose interest soon.”
At that exact moment, my cell phone buzzes with a text message from Summer.
“Hey, do you know some chick named Fliss?”
I show the girls before responding.
“Yes, why?”
I read Summer’s response aloud to the others,
“She just showed u
p at Stargaze with sorority girls. Me and Naomi are working today. Said she’s friends with you and roommates with Ellie.”
Ellie mutters, “I really hope it’s a coincidence the sorority decided on an outing in Callaway at the same place where Griff’s little sister works.”
I text back, not wanting to get into it now.
“Just don’t be too friendly. She’s got a thing for your brother.”
“K. I got that vibe. See u soon. Can’t wait for you to join with our fams on Tgiving!”
I shoot her a heart-eyes smiley face. I’m excited too. It will be weird not being home with my parents for the first time, but with final exams around the corner, and a three-week winter break not far off, it wasn’t worth the flight cost.
“If Fliss starts messing with Summer or Naomi I’m going to be pissed,” Lucy declares.
“I don’t know. She seems pretty harmless,” I try to reason, though I’m not really sure why. “A little oblivious to social cues and kind of pushy, but more of a nuisance than anything too bad.”
Ellie sighs. “Yeah, I mean we don’t exactly sit around the dorm having heart to hearts, especially now that I’m at Taylor’s a lot, but she just seems so… clueless. I don’t think she’ll really be a problem.”
We all decide we’re done thinking or talking about Fliss and recommit to buckling down for another couple hours.
I already spent last night with Beck, which has become our regular Saturday night routine. Sometimes Fridays too. We got a solid three-hour session at Airwalk this morning, just the two of us. As I force my focus back onto my textbook, I push away the little ache that already misses Beck for not being here next semester. It’s a ridiculous and stupid feeling anyway.
Chapter Twenty
Beck
When I wake up on Thanksgiving morning, it feels like Christmas when I was a kid. Jordan’s curled up beside me, and I get to spend all damn day with her and my family. The Perrys host at their house, and while my mom is an awesome cook, I have to admit Griff’s dad is probably even better. He went to culinary school and spent some years in kitchens before he had Griff and decided to go for an office job with more regular hours. Between the food and the company I know it’s gonna be a good day, plus it’s also Naomi’s sixteenth birthday and I can’t wait to give her her present.