by Stanski
IN DECLINE
Stanski
Copyright©2013 Stanski
Crawling Distance
Cover photo © Stanski
IN DECLINE
CONTENTS
1.Not History
2.Who Do You Think You Are?
3.Possible Cause
4.In Decline
5.The Pursuit Of Trivia
6.Little People
7.Don’t Try This At Home
8.What Goes Round
1. Not History
You never talk about it
Nobody knows about it
Untold pain behind the smile
When you’re asked about your past
You want to change the subject
‘It’s not important’ you lie
Everyone must be thinking
How convenient to say
‘And the rest is history’
The rest is not history
The rest, of course, lives and breathes
And dwells within heart and mind
And will remain forever
A most unwelcome squatter
So you never mention it
Because you can’t stand the pain
No, you’re not in denial
It’s for real and you know it
The only trouble is though
Once able to admit it
And face it, speak about it
Openly acknowledge it
Then you have to re-live it
Blow by agonising blow
That’s both the physical ones
As well as the mental ones
The rest is not history
Will never be history
Dark in there isn’t it?
In that cavity… those cavities. The one between your ears, and the one between your lungs…
It’s always been dark in there though, hasn’t it? Only now, it’s like really, really dark.
Before… a long, long time ago… it was white… pure virgin white! But that was before… when you were young… and innocent… and didn’t care… and were in no rush…
But, as you grew, it turned, didn’t it? Changed colour…
What was once pure, virgin white, began to discolour, didn’t it?
Off-white, at first… Then, as time passed, it became increasingly darker. Increasingly darker shades of grey, stained what was once pure, virgin white… until you became, not old exactly, but older anyway… certainly not any wiser… and definitely no longer innocent… in fact, completely guilty… of so many things… So many things you’re actually extremely proud of…
But, that’s your way, isn’t it?
That’s always been your way.
The thing is though; you were never actually guilty of anything you needed to be ashamed of, were you?
For sure, most of the things you could be accused of… and with good reason… were, and are, things that most people… most people who consider themselves, well ‘normal’, would be totally ashamed of, and would, in fact, steer well clear of.
But you always were a bit, well… different… to say the least…
The kid
showed them
some pictures
he’d painted
His use
of form
and colour
were naïve
but something
made them look,
and look again
The simplicity
of the images
inspired
subliminal
stimulation
for the
complexity
of the message
he was attempting
to convey in oils…
From the palette
of an innocent babe
a vision
of a world,
no eyes had ever seen
That kid was you…! And that’s when you decided to do the thing you did… the things you did…
Looking back though, you can laugh… and often do…
You seem to remember as you were falling, you were thinking…
On the one hand, it’s a bit like sex… with a great deal of emphasis on the word ‘bit’. There were, after all, only two, very vague, similarities with having sex…
One: random thoughts pop into your head, into your mind, in your bid to delay the inevitable… not that you particularly want to prolong the actual experience…
Two: the inevitable happens all too quickly anyway…
On the other hand, it’s nothing like sex at all, is it? Because… and this is why point two is exactly what makes this particular method so appealing in the first place, isn’t it? Because you actually want it to be over as quickly as possible, don’t you? Which makes you realise that you must have actually been thinking about the fall, before you actually fell…
The thing is though, it’s exactly this thought… the thought of thinking about your action…. that makes you wonder whether the word ‘fall’, or indeed ‘falling’, or even ‘fell’, are actually appropriate words to use, or to consider using, in this particular case…After all… you didn’t actually fall at all, did you?
Let’s face it… you weren’t even pushed, were you? In fact, you actually… jumped! Which kind of explains the suicide note, doesn’t it…
Dear Lifestyle,
suggest me a method
easy to maintain
One with effortless access
not found in books, or on TV
Extol virtues
promote values
When left alone to decide
I screwed up
took others down with me
brought shame on myself
inflicted pain on loved ones
lost my one true friend
I’ve read the books
I’ve watched TV
and came to the conclusion:
Articles
of human interest
trivial pursuits
and fictional romance
that feature in magazines
invade the space
between my ears
take residence in my head
draw me in:
Imaginary worlds
civilisations
light years from this earth
Superior intellect…
Reminders that
the truth I seek
will never be found in print
Game show hosts
who smile from lurid suits
interviews with stars
and all their back-slap crap
… Party poop politician’s
… Manifestos…!
Manifest this…
Parental Guidance advised!
Hollywood
Premier League soccer
live by satellite
Reality programmes
Drama; Documentaries
It’s not TV
nor HBO
It’s just pixels; digital
All in all
existence is a lie
…distraction at best
Pages of printed words…
Television; DVD…
Play… Pause… Rewind…
Play… Pause… Rewind…
‘Hand me another disc, please’
Press Play… Pause…
Eject it and discard…
‘Another disc, please’
And here we go… again!
Just the same as yesterday…
the day before…
day before that…
Play… Pause… Rewind… STOP! … Eject
My shame; this sham
‘Reality’
is no longer virtual…
Passing the forty third floor, another completely random
thought enters you head; your mind… just after the one that suggested hitting the ground might not hurt so much, if you couldn’t actually see it coming at you….
So, with eyes firmly closed, you’re thinking ‘What if a Super Hero just happened to be in the vicinity; in our friendly neighbourhood?
What if he… or she… saw me falling… or a better expression, on this particular occasion, might be ‘descending’… and scooped me into his… or her… arms, and brought me to a safe landing’.
You dismiss this thought as preposterous, and move on to the more reasonable train of thinking that suggests that if you alter your position…. into more of a dive… except with your arms by your side, rather than held out… then, when you do hit the ground, the massive impact, will cause your head to explode, and shatter into a million… or perhaps a billion, tiny pieces, at such a velocity that you won’t actually feel a thing!
You’re still congratulating yourself on this one, when you realise it’s taking an awfully long time to… to what, exactly?
Drop…?
2. Who Do You Think You Are?
If you’re not already lying down, then it might be a good idea to do so now…
Not so much to take the weight off your feet… more off your shoulders…!
Because we all have burdens to carry, don’t we?
And they’re not usually one’s we particularly want to share, are they?
But as you’ve opted into this consultation, this examination, you might as well enter right into the spirit of it.
Lie down on the couch; we’ll begin in just a moment…
And don’t worry… No records will be kept… unless of course you choose to record notes for your own, private purposes.
You may even find post-consultation, self-analysis, useful… But please, don’t feel obliged.
Given an attention span
of miniscule proportions,
it’s little wonder really
nothing seems to sink in
Given your stormy background,
your ability to survive
the strain on your endurance;
one has to sympathise
Given an environment
conducive to lucent thought,
a positive attitude
will banish ignorance
Given your capacity
to absorb, retain, repeat,
remains intact; undamaged,
this boy has potential
Given intellectual
associates, surroundings;
academic achievement
is well within your grasp
Given scope for improvement;
a helping hand to guide you,
time under our tuition,
the best days of your life
Given an education;
a ‘vital’ curriculum,
University entrance,
a viable concept
Given the range of subjects
available to study,
the light shed in dark corners
means moments never dull
Given the motivation;
a mentor’s inspiration
fires the imagination;
provokes fascination
Given the understanding
our innate pride denies us,
minus bias; prejudice;
perspective balances
Given the time, the patience,
the level of attention
required; we hope you may gain
the knowledge that you seek
Given-: you take for granted
our penchant for displaying
patronising attitudes
of condescending clowns…
Now open wide… and let it all out.
A word of warning, before we begin…
This is likely to get quite deep, in parts, and you may find some of it rather harrowing…
But remember…
It is your own reactions to the various scenarios of your perceived condition that will determine the course of your future actions…
Nothing you learn about your potential self, on this occasion, can be construed as conclusive, and therefore is not necessarily guaranteed to be the actual outcome of this, or any other, further, consultation…
Not to put too fine a point on things you don’t understand, concepts you can’t really grasp, especially your concerns about this problem you have… yes, that’s ‘problem’, not ‘illness’, because, as you surely know, it’s not really an illness, not a real one, anyway… You can’t suffer déjà vu… it’s just a phenomenon, brought on by an active mind, driven into overdrive, revisiting old ways, reviving the bad old days… Just for a fleeting moment.
I’ve been trying hard
Not to think about
All I am
I’ve been trying hard
Not to think about
All I have
I’ve been trying hard
Not to think about
All I know
I’ve been trying hard
Not to think about
All I see
I’ve been trying hard
Not to think about
All I feel
But the more I try
The more I think
The more I think
The more I feel
The more I feel
The more I see
The more I see
The more I know
The more I know
The more I have
The more I have
The more I want
The more I want
The more I get
The more I get
The less I need
The less I need
The less I feel
The less I feel
The less I see
The less I see
The less I think
The less I think
The less I know
The less I know
The less I have
The less I have
The less I am
The less I am
The more I try
To understand
What I know
What I think
What I feel
What I see
What I have
What I want
What I need
What I am
But in your particular case, it’s almost as if you’ve got a relapse going on…
Can’t do nothing about it…
Don’t want to though, do you?
It’s coming on stronger now, and you’re addicted to it… that feeling of extreme pain; overwhelming sensation, that courses through your body, whenever you feel the urge, to play your Dangerous Games.
No, you’re not a masochist… Masochistic tendencies, is how it was once described, by someone who knows about… underground activities… like the one’s you’re involved in.
The one’s you don’t talk about… don’t want to talk about… won’t ever talk about…
The ones you can’t do without…
Acts that leave you in no doubt…
That the things that don’t kill you will only make you stronger…
Choices; options are always available, and it is your own ability to make the correct decisions that will determine your final destination…
So relax… while you can… in the relative comfort of your own surroundings.
No need to draw screens around yourself… Nobody is looking!
But, that’s the beauty of private practice…
You pay your money…
The journey begins…
Clear your mind
of all acquired knowledge;
belief,
interpretation,
misconception.
Prepare yourself
for a meeting…
with your Self;
an entity,
existing alone.
There is nothing else.
Nothing at all…
A point exists,
outside of Life;
outside of Time.
A point at which
The Universe
is much smaller;
microscopic…
At this point,
it contracts
yet further,
to its origin…
a Thought…
A simple thought…
The Thought is born.
Becomes a question…
Who am I?
Develops…
Why only me?
Left to fester,
creating
an Energy…
an Aura,
that a single cell
can no longer contain.
Expansion occurs;
The Big Bang…?
Hydrogen
begets Helium,
Lithium,
Beryllium,
Boron,
CARBON…
Building blocks.
Fusion occurs.
Elements become compounds.
Science is born…
Science…
How things work,
the way they do.
How they come to be.
Evolution?
For answers,
explanations,
you turn to Science,
Mathematics.
Without logic,
Matter becomes
unpredictable,
unstable…
Self-destructive.
Application
of logic
ensures survival;
longevity.
Process runs its course
to conclusion.
The Universe
is created.
In terms of such
a vast expanse,
everything takes place
in the Present.
What is measured
in billions of years
by You,
mere Mortal,
is in fact
No Time at all…!
3.Possible Cause
Light Years ago, at ten, it commenced.
You sensed a wave of optimism;
rode the rapids at nine; relished
the prosperity. Nobody could
have predicted the severity
of the decline beginning at eight.
You hate the memories it evokes.
You lost all track of time at seven,
but the countdown clock was still ticking,
stubbornly sticking to its schedule
Dark Ages ago, at six…or five,
barely alive, it began – to gnaw