The It's Kind Of Personal (Complete 6 Book Series)ies

by Anna Brooks

  “No, I’m the one—”

  “Stop.” I pull my head back to look into his eyes and press my lips together. His face is scruffy and he has dark circles under his eyes, but he’s still so handsome. There’s a clarity to his eyes when he looks back at me that I haven’t seen in a really long time. A clarity that I didn’t realize was missing. “Are you okay?”

  “I am now.” He smiles weakly and walks us over to the couch.

  I end up straddling him and I run my fingers through his hair. “Your hair is really long.”

  “I haven’t cut it.”

  His fingers run up and down my arms and I look away shyly, not knowing what the hell I’m doing. It was such a gut reaction to go to him, but now that I’m here, I’m lost with what to say.

  “Do you need help with anything?”

  “No, I just need to finish going through his stuff to see if there’s anything I want to keep. Then I need to find a company to come through and clean the place out so I can sell it.”

  “I can help you do that.”

  “I can’t believe you’re here. You don’t hate me?” The vulnerability in his voice makes me want to break, but I fight it. I need to be strong for him.

  “God, no. I fucking love you. But I was so worried and so mad at you. I’ve been a goddamned mess, Lee.”

  “I’m mad at myself, too. So mad for causing you this, for breaking a promise to you that I swore I never would, for being weak—”

  “You’re not weak, Lee.” I grab his face and tilt it so he’s looking at me. “You are not weak. I’ve had a lot of time to think the past two months and it made me realize how hard everything must be for you. Your commitment to the band, trying to balance being in a relationship, worrying about what you’re going to do once you’re done with Ruin … all of it, and when you were struggling with it, I didn’t stick by you. I thought I was helping you. If anything, I’m the weak one for abandoning you.”

  “No. You’re not. It took you walking away from me to realize how bad of a problem I had. But I have a clear path now. I know what I’m doing, and I got help.” He shakes his head at the admission. It must be hard for him to admit that, to have a sponsor follow him around to make sure he stays on the right path. I’d imagine it makes you feel weak, but he’s anything but.

  “It’s okay. You don’t always have to be strong, ya know? You can let me in.”

  He pulls me into his chest, and I relax in his embrace. Nothing but the sound of our breathing and an occasional sniff from me fill the silence.

  “What happened?” I whisper.

  “Heart attack. He was sitting on the porch step and the neighbor saw him fall over. Called 9-1-1, but it was too late.”

  “When is the funeral?”

  “There’s not. He didn’t want one.”

  “Is he getting buried?”

  “Cremated.”

  I nod into his chest and his arms tighten around me. After a few minutes of just sitting here, I give him a gentle kiss and stand up. “Let’s finish going through his stuff so we can get out of here. Unless you want to stay.”

  “No, I have a room at a hotel.”

  “Come back with me.”

  He tilts his head and assesses me. “You sure? I don’t want you to feel obligated.”

  “When have I ever done anything out of obligation?”

  A small laugh escapes his lips and the cracks in my heart begin to meld back together with that one smile. “True.”

  He grabs my hand and we walk upstairs to the master bedroom. I sit at the end of the bed, not really comfortable digging through his dad’s stuff. I’ve been here before, and sure, I knew his dad, but because he was kind of a loner, I wasn’t that close with him. I was too young to remember his parents’ divorce, but I was around enough to know his dad didn’t do as much as he could have as a father. Lee was always tight-lipped about his dad; he only allowed me to meet him a half a dozen times. I think he was embarrassed as well, so I never pushed the topic. Now I know the real reason, and it’s so much worse than I ever imagined.

  Luckily, Jamie’s dad, James, stepped up to the plate. Plus, Lee had my dad, but that doesn’t make up for the flesh and blood who’s supposed to be there for you.

  “He doesn’t have anything in here. I already went through the living room and the kitchen, Meara. How did he live like this? There’s nothing personal anywhere. Just the essentials. His drawers aren’t even all used.”

  I’m not sure I really know how to answer that, let alone what to say, so I stay silent. He reaches up high on a shelf in the closet and pulls down a shoebox. When he opens it, a somber smile crosses his handsome face and he hands the picture to me. It’s of Liam and his mom and dad.

  He sits next to me and takes the picture back. “When I was here a few months ago, right before I walked out of the door to leave, he told me not to make the same mistakes he did. I didn’t even realize what he was talking about until you came to say good-bye to me at the airport.”

  “Lee …”

  “I’m so fucked up, Meara. I don’t know if I can be the man that you need or want me to be. I’m trying. I’m fighting myself every day to be a better person, and I’d like to promise you that I’ll never fall off again, but I don’t … I don’t think I can do that. And fuck me, I’m selfish enough to want to lie to you and promise it just so you’ll stay.” Desperation laces through his soft tone, and my throat tightens at his pain.

  “You don’t have to promise me that. Just take it a day at a time.”

  The left side of his lips tilts up. “You sound like Bart.”

  “Well?” I shrug and rest my head on his shoulder.

  “I love you, Meara.”

  “I know. I love you, too.”

  “I leave again tomorrow. But I only have a couple of months left. Then I was going to come back here. I’m not even sure what I’m going to do.”

  “You don’t have to worry about that right now. You can stay with me and figure everything else out when you’re ready.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Yup.”

  Liam goes into the basement and I sit on the steps while he rummages through all of his dad’s stuff. His back is to me when he grabs a small baseball mitt off a hook. It flies through the air and crashes into a shelf of nuts and bolts, knocking them to the floor. My entire body jumps but I don’t hesitate to wrap my arms around him from behind.

  He’s so stiff, his arms braced on the wall in front of him. “I don’t wanna be like him,” he whispers.

  “You’re not,” I quickly assure him.

  “What happens when I have a kid? My dad used to be there. I remember it. It was short lived, but I can remember some good times. How do I know the same fucking thing won’t happen to me?”

  I bite on my lip to prevent the tears that threaten, feeling guilty for keeping the baby from him. But I don’t think right now is the time to tell him. “You’re a good man, Liam. Look at what you’ve been doing. You’ve sobered up over the past two months. You—”

  He turns in my arms and scrubs his hands down his face. “Let’s get the fuck out of here. I don’t want anything.”

  While I follow him out, I grab the baseball mitt and shove it in the back of my jeans. I have the picture in my back pocket, too. He might not want them now, but I bet he will want them in the future.

  I wait for him to lock up by my car and when he comes out, he says he’ll meet me at my place. Panic sets in when I realize he’s going to see my apartment … void of all things Liam.

  Shit.

  I throw the mitt and picture in my glove box and lock my car. We arrive back at my place at the same time and he takes my hand and follows me up the stairs. The bar is still open and the quiet thump of bass and voices filter through the staircase. When we get inside, I take a breath and turn the lights on.

  Chapter 17

  Liam

  AS SOON AS THE lights come on, I notice her place looks different. It takes about four seconds to realize what
it is. I shake my head at what a fucking idiot I am.

  “I’m sorry, I was just—”

  “Don’t you dare apologize,” I interrupt her.

  I let go of her hand and walk around, realizing every sign I have been in her life for the past two and a half decades has vanished. This is what it would be like if I continued to be a dipshit. It’s almost as if I’m a ghost, seeing her life without me, and I don’t fucking like it. Then a horrible feeling creeps up my spine and it jolts me so hard I have to grab the couch for support.

  I know I don’t have a right to ask, but I do it anyway. “You brought other men up here?”

  Her jaw drops, and she crosses her arms across her chest. “No. I didn’t bring anyone up here.”

  “Good.” I don’t know how, but through the jealousy and possessiveness I get at the thought of another man touching her, my dick gets hard. It’s difficult not to, just looking at her. She has her natural dark hair again and I swear she got more beautiful in the past two months. I walk into the kitchen, and she steps back until she hits the counter. I unbutton her pants and tug at the zipper. “Is this okay?”

  She licks her lips and sways toward me. “Yes.”

  I pull the denim and her thong down to her ankles, then lift her by the hips and set her on the cold marble. I rip the clothes off her legs and stand between them.

  “You’re mine, right? I can still touch you?”

  I cup her hot pussy and she nods. “Only you, Lee.”

  “I love that you’re already wet for me. You missed me?” I rub two fingers from her clit to her tight hole and slowly press then inside.

  “Yes. So much.”

  She tilts her hips to rock into my hand and I lean down and kiss her face. Her lips, her nose, her cheeks. “I missed the fuck out of you, Meara. I’m so sorry.” I honestly thought I’d never get to do this again. Be able to touch her like this, love her, or even hold her again. Finding out she still loves me and hasn’t given up on my loser ass gives me even more reason to fight.

  Her moans are all I can hear and I add a third finger then almost come in my jeans when she clenches around me already. Some things never change, her response to me included. Without moving my hand, I drop to my knees, suck on her clit, then flatten my tongue and lick between her lips and circle the tight bundle of nerves again.

  “Lee …” Her fingers pull at my hair, but there’s no way I’m taking my mouth off her until she comes for me again. “I want you.”

  I shake my head and stick my tongue straight out and draw lazy circles around her clit, all while fucking her with my fingers. If I have anything, it's rhythm. So I use my skills to my advantage … and ultimately, hers. I continue the slow in and out movements with my fingers and concentrate on licking and sucking every part of her soft, delicious flesh I can get my mouth on.

  Her thighs start to shake as they tighten around my head and she screams my name at the same time her sweetness fills my mouth. I lick every drop and stand up, ready to go take a cold fucking shower, but she uses her ankles to grab me around the waist and pull me to her. I really don’t deserve her.

  “Don’t you dare walk away without fucking me.”

  This is not why I came here tonight, so I certainly didn’t expect it. I shake my head, but she reaches down and unbuttons my fly and pushes my jeans and boxers down just enough for the tip of my cock to stick out. The cool air hits me and I bite back a groan. She pulls me toward her even closer, and I shuffle to her with my pants around my thighs.

  “Please, Lee. I need you.”

  My hands frame her flushed face and the look in her eyes breaks my fucking heart. I don’t even really know what it is … fear, maybe. When I rub her cheeks with my thumbs, her eyes well with tears. “Meara?”

  She shakes her head, but I don’t let her look away. “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing.”

  Her hand that is tremoring slightly reaches down and grips me really hard. After a few excruciatingly slow pumps, she aligns me with her opening, and then I slowly sink into her wet heat. She tilts her head up and I lock my lips with hers, just holding them there, breathing her breath, getting high off her love. Christ, she’s better than any fucking drug; purer, cleaner, safer.

  I slowly back out and push in again, almost losing it right away with the way she squeezes me. She gasps and pulls her mouth back and buries her face in my neck, squeezing me almost as hard as she is my dick.

  We both pant and moan and curse until our bodies finally give in to what we’ve needed, a release that’s been building up for months. We’re both limp, and we finally catch our breath after a while. Holding her in my arms after having one of the most intense orgasms of my life makes me feel like such a fucking jackass. How the hell could I ever think about throwing this away? God, I’m a fucking moron. Weak ass motherfucker.

  “Lee?”

  “Yeah, princess.”

  “I need to go to the bathroom.”

  She unwraps her arms and I gently set her on the floor then watch as she walks to the bathroom with her head down.

  Once she rounds the corner, I pull my pants back up and grab a bottle of water out of the fridge then sit on the couch. Again, I look around and shake my head. She comes back into the room wearing a pair of sweatpants and an oversized shirt and sits in the chair across from me wringing her hands together.

  “Why are you over there?”

  “I feel like we should talk, and I can’t do that if you’re touching me.”

  I smile at her, and her face lights up.

  “I missed that.” She points at me and I turn to look behind me, not sure what she’s talking about.

  “What?”

  “Your smile.”

  “I haven’t done much smiling lately.”

  “Me either. So, how are you? I mean have you …?”

  “Used? You can ask me, Meara. You have the right to drill me, to challenge me, to question me.”

  “I’m not going to—”

  “What?” I interrupt her. I’m suddenly pissed at her for feeling like she can’t talk to me about this. Pissed at me for even making this a topic that we have to talk about. Pissed at my dad for passing along his fucking addiction. Pissed at myself for being pathetic. “Are you afraid you’re gonna find out I’m the piece of shit I’ve been trying to hide from you.”

  She sits up a little straighter and stares me down. “What?”

  “Oh, come on, Meara.” I stand and walk to the window that overlooks the road. “Do you honestly think this is new?”

  “But you said the last time—”

  “I lied!” I turn to her and grip the window ledge with my fingers. “I fucking lied, okay. For fucking years, I’ve been lying to you. It may not have been going up my nose, but the last time I checked, drinking a bottle of vodka a day isn’t normal behavior. That doesn’t scream sober!”

  “You almost died!” She interrupts me now and storms over, inches from my face, pushing against my chest. “You almost died.”

  “I know.” My voice is weaker now.

  “How the fuck are you going to stand here and tell me you’ve had this … this problem for years?”

  A bitter laugh rumbles through my chest. “Because you’re here, all perfect and sweet, and I’m all fucked up. I tried to keep it under control. When I’m with you … I don’t have the urges, the desires. I’m not tempted. You make everything okay. Give me the clarity that booze does. Did. That it did. And I swear, I know it probably doesn’t make it any better, but I wasn’t back on the other stuff for long.”

  “I can’t believe this shit.” She wraps her arms around her stomach and shakes her head. “Were you ever going to tell me? Or were you just going to kill yourself and leave me to figure it out on my own?”

  I don’t have an answer for that.

  “Fucking wonderful, Liam.” She turns to walk away, then before I can blink, she’s up in my face. “What else have you lied about? Huh? What else tempts you when I’m not there? You ques
tioning me about bringing guys up here out of guilt?”

  “Don’t,” I grit out. “Don’t even fuckin’ go there.” Of all the things she can be mad at me about, the fact that she thinks I’d be unfaithful hurts the most.

  “Why? Afraid I’ll find out you’ve been lying about that, too?” A huge rush of air pushes out of my lungs when she punches me in the stomach. Hard. Pierce taught her how to hit … and he taught her well. “Asshole!” she yells.

  “Why do you think all this shit started, Meara? You think it’s easy to sit there and be alone all the fucking time? Not that I ever wanted to fuck anyone else, but watching all the other guys night after lonely night, and knowing I had to go beat myself off instead of having your body. I’d never betray you like that, but Jesus, I got lonely.” Saying it out loud makes me realize what a whiny bitch I sound like.

  “Like I don’t know that? I fucking live it, too! I’ve lived it for the past seven fucking years.”

  When she turns to walk away, I let her. “I know you have. And I was okay for the first year or so, but when I started to feel so alone ... when all I wanted to do was come back home to you and I couldn’t do that … I started finding ways to make that ache go away. And when I’m around you, or on the rare occasion that you came to me, I never need anything else.”

  Her body is a blur as it spins around to face me. “So you’re saying it’s my fault? I should have visited you more?”

  “No. I’m just saying that when I’m with you, I didn’t need anything else. And when I wasn’t with you, booze took the edge off enough, and I figured I’d just keep going on that way until I was done with the band.”

  She storms to the kitchen and with her back to me, pulls open a drawer. A second later, she exhales a huge puff of smoke.

  I walk up right behind her. “You’re still smoking?” I’m so close that when I speak my breath moves her hair. “Don’t you know how bad it is for you?”

  She turns with a smirk on her face and takes another hit, blowing the smoke directly into my face. I laugh at her, reach down to grab the cigarette, and take a hit of my own. When I hand it back, she shakes her head. “Why did you lie to me?”