by Anna Brooks
“We’re crossing the threshold. Shut up.” I carry her inside, and she slowly slides out of my arms. She runs her fingers along the kitchen island and stops to do a full three sixty turn. I follow her through the living room, past the dining room, and up the stairs. She turns to look back at me, and I raise my eyebrows in question since she hasn’t said anything.
“How can you have any doubt? It’s amazing, babe.”
The rush of air that leaves my lungs makes her hair blow. “Thank God.”
She stops a couple of steps above me and leans down to kiss me again. Then she turns and jogs up the rest of the steps. We walk in and out of each room; there are five in total. She rolls her eyes at the oversized whirlpool tub in our bathroom. “I don’t even take baths. Have you picked up a new bathing routine I don’t know about?”
“Hell no, but I just thought it’d be nice to have if we ever wanted to. That,” I point at the shower, “is what I’m stoked about.”
“I can see why. I mean, I wonder what one could do with a bench and those handles? Makes it pretty easy to get some. That must have been your request, no?”
“Hmm, well. The bench, I’m planning to get old here, so I figure when we’re all brittle we’ll need to sit, and the handles are merely a safety precaution. I was more excited about the dual showerheads and heated floor. But if all you can think about is shower sex, I mean, I won’t stop you.”
“Well, if you weren’t so sexy, I wouldn’t think about sex all the time.”
“Fine!” I toss my hands in the air. “I’ll stop shaving and running. And while I’m at it, I’ll start eating donuts for breakfast and hell … why use deodorant?”
She pushes past me and walks through the bedroom into the hallway, and I follow her. “I might do the same, too. I do love donuts, and I hate when I put deodorant on, and even though it says clear, it still gets white spots all over your …” I bump into her from behind when she suddenly stops. “Clothes.”
“Meara?”
“What is this?” She points at the room I had decorated as a nursery.
“Shit, they were supposed to shut the door.” My plan was to surprise her, but that’s all fucked up now. This was supposed to be the cherry on top, the icing on the cake. I wanted this to be the ultimate gift to show her how serious I am about our future. “I talked to the realtor a lot, and we went over everything you guys discussed looking at houses. Everything you liked, disliked, things you loved, and she told me how excited you got when you saw the room that was a nursery.”
I step around her and a lump forms in my throat when I see tears in her eyes. “If this is too much, we can take it down and—”
“No. No, it’s beautiful.”
She takes in the soft tan colored walls and crib. Her hands open and close the dresser drawers and she sits in the rocking chair in the corner. Tears roll out of her eyes and I kneel before her. “Talk to me.”
“It’s just, I’m happy, I really am.” She laughs humorlessly and wipes her eyes. “I wasn’t expecting this, that’s all.”
“So they’re good tears then?”
“Yes. Very good.”
* * *
“I can’t believe how fast James worked. It’s only been two weeks!” Meara does her little happy dance and spins in a circle.
“Yeah, he’s pretty awesome. You sure you’re ready to do this? I don’t want to rush you.”
“It couldn’t happen fast enough if you ask me.”
The past couple of weeks has been great. Meara and I picked up where we left off, and I’ve never felt better. I’ve been taking some classes with Pierce and found that Tae Kwon Do really helps to center me. I can see how the martial arts take up so much of his time. Meara has been busy with the pub, so we’re packing her apartment today and plan on moving into the house tonight. James really pulled through for me. His team has been awesome and got everything done perfectly. The house looks great, and I hope that Meara will be happy in her new home.
Nobody has brought up what happened in Chicago, and I’m glad about it. I don’t think anyone wants everyone to air their dirty laundry and point out their faults. I asked Meara what she said to everyone. She told them about the drugs, that I was using again, and it was a deal breaker for her.
“What do you want me to go pack?” I ask.
“How about my clothes. The ones from the dresser.”
“Sure.”
She continues going through her desk drawer in the living room and I grab a couple of boxes and head to the bedroom. I fill one box to the top and rip some tape across the flaps. When I open her sock drawer, I throw them in a smaller box and reach in for a piece of paper that’s in the back. Some kind of black and white picture. A glossy one. With her name on it. And a date … about six months ago. It shakes in my hand, and I grip it harder, causing a wrinkle on the corner.
She smiles at me when she notices me standing in the middle of the living room, but it quickly fades and morphs into panic when she looks down at my hand.
“What is this?”
She reaches for it, but I raise it above my head.
“Give it to me. It’s kind of personal.”
“What the fuck is this, Meara?”
“Please,” she whispers, backing away from me.
“Please what? Because if this is what I think it fucking is, you have a lot of fucking explaining to do.” My blood is boiling right now. I have no clue what the hell this means, and it pisses me off that she’s hiding whatever happened from me.
“You know what it is.” Her knees give out and she falls onto the couch, her body limp and face emotionless.
“I want to hear you say it.”
When she doesn’t answer, I ask again, louder. “What the fuck is this?”
“An ultrasound.”
“Whose?”
“Mine.”
“Obviously, since it has your name on it. You know what I mean.”
That gets her attention and the fire returns to her eyes. “Don’t you fucking dare ask me that question.”
“Then talk to me!”
“Stop yelling at me.”
I take a deep breath and nod. “Talk to me, Meara.”
“I was going to tell you that night at the concert. And then I decided not to. Things happened, you left. I went to my first appointment and discovered I’d miscarried.”
“Oh, my God, baby. Why didn’t you tell me? Jesus fuck.” How could she have gone through this alone?
“Char took me to the appointment after I found out, the one to remove … I didn’t want anyone else to know.” She swallows and looks up at me nervously. “I didn’t want it to interfere with your … progress, so I didn’t tell you. I was going to, I swear, it just never seemed like the right time.”
That’s such a lame ass excuse. I had a right to know. “Really? You never thought to tell me I had a baby, and then I lost a baby? Don’t you think that’s something I should have been there for? I should have been there, Meara.”
“I know, okay. I wanted to, but you were doing so well and I didn’t—”
“I’m not an invalid. I could have handled it.”
“How was I supposed to know that? For all I knew, it could have put you over the edge. Then I would have lost you too and I couldn’t! I couldn’t risk losing you, too!” she yells but the words sound so small.
“God, you really think that low of me? That I’d do something that stupid after we would have gone through that? Jesus, we’re supposed to be moving into a house together and you can’t even trust me enough to tell me you were pregnant and that I was a father? Fuck that.”
I grab my keys for my newly purchased car and slam the door on my way down her stairs. As I get to the alley door, I push it open and almost hit Nik with it.
“Whoa.”
I shoulder check him on my way past, and he grabs my arm, but I shrug out of his grip. “Don’t fuck with me right now.”
“Ahh, she told you. I’m sorry, man.”
; “You knew?”
“Umm, yeah. I caught her on a really bad night and she ended up telling me everything.”
“Really?” I shove my keys in my pocket and clench my fists. Nothing but red is all I see right now. “Did you make her feel all better, too?”
“Fuck you.”
I step toe to toe with him. “You’ve been waiting to get in there, huh? You don’t think I see the way you look at her?”
“Liam!” Meara steps in front of me and pushes me back. “Go inside, Nik.”
He rolls his shoulders. “You sure?”
She looks at me and shakes her head in disappointment. “Yes, I’m sure.”
Chapter 22
Meara
NIK SHUTS THE DOOR behind me, and I give Liam a shove. “How dare you?”
“Me? Me? You fucking tell Nik that we lost a baby but not me. The father.”
“I told you why I didn’t. Can’t you at least understand that?” God, he’s throwing every fear I had of him not understanding in my face.
“Can’t you understand that I’m fucking pissed off that you didn’t tell me?”
Tears threaten, but I fight them back. “Yes, I can, but—”
“No. I deserved to know, Meara. I should have been there.” He sucks in a breath and turns his back to me, his shoulders slowly moving up and down. “It was my baby, too.”
I hesitate for a moment before walking up behind him and resting my hand on his back. “I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I’m sorry you didn’t know you were a dad and got to feel that joy and excitement. And I’m sorry you lost a baby.”
He sits down on the cold cement and I awkwardly stand behind him until he grabs my hand and pulls me down into his lap. He shoves his face in my hair and takes a heaving breath. “I’m sorry I’m such a fuck up. I should have been there for you, princess. God, I’m so sorry.” His words end on a choked sob, and I wrap my arms around him and we cry together. For a life that was stripped from us. For the possibilities that were taken away. The time wasted apart when we both know we’re better together. Moments lost and memories stolen.
“How long did you know?” he finally asks.
“Not long. I only found out the morning I went to look at the house. I’d missed a period and took a test.”
“I bet you were happy.”
“I was. Very.”
“Then I fucked it up. Oh, God.” He stands and taps his foot as if he’s keeping the rhythm. “Did it happen that night? When you were in the hospital?”
“No.” I correct his fear immediately. “The baby was fine that night. They checked and told me. My appointment was the day after you left.”
“So you knew for two weeks? You went through the stress of living in a hotel to avoid me and us breaking up, and then you lost it?”
I know what he’s getting at. He’s trying to blame himself, but I won’t let him. “The doctor said that sometimes it just happens.”
“I don’t even know what to say right now.”
“You don’t need to say anything. Just come back upstairs and we can—”
He stands up and gently pushes me away. “No, I need to be alone.” The keys jingle in his hand as he unlocks the car. Before he drives away, his tormented eyes collide with mine, and at this moment, I’m not so sure everything is going to be okay anymore.
Once the taillights fade away, I run my fingers through my hair and kick the gravel around my feet. In all the scenarios I had in my head, this wasn’t one of them. I expected him to be angry, and I anticipated that he’d be heartbroken. Hell, his animosity doesn’t even surprise me. I’d hate me, too. But I wasn’t expecting him to leave. He’s not ever left like that.
Not once, since we’ve been together, have we gotten into a fight and one of us stormed off in anger. I know that we haven’t lived the same type of life as a ‘normal’ couple and that we’ve been through a lot of things other couples may not have been able to handle. But I still think that it’s a pretty big testament to us that we’ve never ended a night like this.
I walk through the door to go back to my apartment and scream because Nik’s sitting on the steps.
“Sorry, just wanted to make sure you were okay. He was pretty jacked up, and I wanted to be here in case …”
His implication pisses me off, and I point my finger in his face. “Don’t ever accuse him of that. He’d never hurt me.”
“Look, all I’m saying is that’s a pretty big thing to go through and with the way he came at me, I was just being cautious.”
“Well, you don’t need to be, asshole,” I snap.
He shakes his head and stands. “I’ve been nothing but nice to you, Meara. I’ve kept your secret from Declan, my best friend. I’ve stayed late with you on nights I had stuff to do because I wanted to make sure you were okay since I know damn well you didn’t tell your family what was really going on.”
“I told Char,” I whisper.
“Char’s pregnant, like way pregnant. And have you forgotten that I know you, Meara? I see the way you act around her.”
I cross my arms and pout at him. “I don’t act a certain way.”
“Ha. You’re so fake around her. You pretend you’re okay when I know … I know you’re still fighting everything.”
“How do you know?”
“I just do.” His cheeks redden a tinge and Liam’s words ring in my ears, ‘You don’t think I see the way you look at her?’ I was so pissed when I heard him talking to Nik that way, but with the shy look he’s giving me now, it makes me wonder.
“Nik …”
“No. God, no.” He must have read my thoughts. “Don’t worry about it. I, umm, if you’re good I’m going back to the bar.”
“Umm, yeah, I’m fine. Go ahead.”
Before he can shut the door, I call to him.
He doesn’t turn around but stops in the doorway.
“Thanks.”
“Yeah, anytime.”
I take Nik’s place on the stairs and laugh at the absurdity that is my life. I wasn’t ever expecting a perfect fairy tale, but I never anticipated this.
The silence from the bar closing is the only indication of how much time has passed. As I sit on the step Nik vacated hours ago, I realize Liam could have called or sent a text, so I rush up the stairs and grab my phone off the table. Nothing. No missed calls or messages. My mind begins to swirl in a frenzy. Is he hurt somewhere? Did he relapse? Maybe he just went to his mom’s house.
My call goes straight to voicemail, and I decide I need to go look for him. I’m not even sure if he can forgive me for lying to him. Seeing the look on his face, how broken up he was made me realize I was keeping things from him for my benefit. As much as I wanted him to be there, I took insult to his issues and made them mine. I misguided the betrayal I felt and redirected it at him when the reality was I was being selfish.
Years of waiting and promises of a future I so desperately wanted overshadowed what was right in front of my face. And that was that the love of my life needed me. I wasn’t there for him then, but I will be now … if he still wants me.
The first place I drive to is his mom’s, but his car isn’t anywhere in sight. I turn the opposite way and head to his dad’s. The house sold but still sits vacant for another few weeks. Maybe he went there for some reason. My disappointment increases when I find the driveway completely empty. All of the bars are closed since it’s now after three in the morning, but I still drive downtown on the off chance he’s there. No luck. My chest is beginning to tighten and my throat closes up when the fear rises.
Where the hell would he go? As I sit at a stoplight, it hits me. I wait impatiently for the light to change and go to the last place I can think of.
His car sits in the unpaved driveway, yet there are no lights on in the house. Gravel crunches and my steps echo as I walk on the porch. I call for him, but an answering silence fills the air.
Each room I pass through downstairs fills me with fear, but once I reach t
he top of the stairs and walk down the hall to the nursery, I see his silhouette in the moonlight, sitting on the floor, knees bent.
Chapter 23
Liam
“LEE?”
Meara’s voice echoes in the empty and quiet house.
“Hi, princess.”
She shuts off the flashlight from her phone and sits next to me as I reach for her hand. Just her presence grounds me. I squeeze her fingers and she does the same back to mine.
“Can I do anything?”
“No. I just … I’m trying to decide something.”
“What?”
“You know how fucking sad I am about the baby, right? God, I can’t even describe it. How do you mourn for a loss when you didn’t even know it existed? When you never even got the chance to be happy about it in the first place? Somehow, I feel like a piece of me, like a chunk of my heart, was ripped out. How can I be so tormented about that, but yet so angry at the same time?”
“I wish I knew the answer to that. All I know is for me, I have to believe that everything happens for a reason, and no matter how mad and angry and sad I am, it’s the only thing that makes sense.”
“Hmm.” I rest the back of my head on the wall and look up at the ceiling. “I’m so mad at myself—” She tries to interrupt me, but I shake my head. “Let me finish this. I’m so pissed at myself because I feel like I failed you in so many ways. And I’m trying to decide if it makes me a horrible person because that’s what upsets me the most. Knowing that you were alone and the only person who knew was your pregnant cousin. And then the only other one you told was because you had a breakdown and couldn’t handle it anymore … after suffering in silence for months. If I had known, I would have been there, Meara. You have to know that. There is nothing in this world, no band arrangement, no contract, definitely not any fucking drug that would have kept me from you if you needed me. And the fact that you didn’t reach out to me when you were going through one of the hardest things in the world … it fucking kills me.” I trail off quietly and don’t know if she even heard the last few words.
“I feel like I failed you.”
I turn to look at her. Even in the dark, she’s the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. “You didn’t. You never have and there is nothing you could do to fail me. If anybody failed here, it’s me.”